Fun With Real E-Mail, Part 5 (The Lord of the Idiots) (6393 hits)
Category: HumorLabels: fun_with_real_e-mail
Rating: 1.94 on 86 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Tom Sorrell (View user info) at 2005-02-02 10:50:00 EST
There are many people who claim Lordship. You have God, Frodo Baggins (Lord of the Rings), Michael Flatley (Lord of the Dance), Darth Vader (Sith Lord extraordinaire), that guy from Braveheart who killed William Wallace's wife, and of course, George Costanza (Lord of the Idiots). Until recently, I had believed that George Costanza really was the Lord of the Idiots, but now I'm not so sure. I think I work with the Lord of the Idiots, and to my surprise, she's a woman.
I have saved three of her "Greatest Hits," so to speak from the last month or so for my own amusement. However, thanks to the overwhelming popularity of my Fun With Real E-Mail series, I've decided to post them on here. for your enjoyment. I have deleted her name to protect her anonymity, and she will be referred to as LOTI. (Even though she's an idiot, she doesn't need to be slandered - at least not directly by name - over the internet.)
Once again, these e-mails (aside from her name) are REAL and UNEDITED. Enjoy.
-----------------------------------------
To: Tom Sorrell
From: LOTI
Subject: white out
can i have a new white out please
--
To: LOTI
From: Tom Sorrell
Subject: re: white out
No.
You will continue to use the one you have and you will be thankful to have it. When I was your age we didn't have white out... we had to start all over from scratch, even if the mistake happened on the last letter of the last word of a five thousand word essay.
Damn spoiled kids.
--
To: Tom Sorrell
From: LOTI
Subject: re: white out
look im older than you and ive been using white out since i was little
--
To: LOTI
From: Tom Sorrell
Subject: re: white out
Well that's fantastic. I was wondering, when you were little, did you eat a big, red candle?
--
To: Tom Sorrell
From: LOTI
Subject: re: white out
no why
--
To: LOTI
From: Tom Sorrell
Subject: re: white out
No, no reason...
-----------------------------------------
To: Tom Sorrell
From: LOTI
Subject: tom
tom i need some staples and when you get a change i need your help with a few boxes
--
To: Tom Sorrell
From: LOTI
Subject: hello!!!!!!!
i still need the things i asked for earlier where are you
im going to tell the ops manager that your being uncoprative*
(*Author's note: I think she means uncooperative.)
--
To: Tom Sorrell
From: LOTI
Subject: TOM!!!!!!!
why are you ignoring me???? im out of staples now and i really need help with these boxes theyre to big for me to move!!!!!!!!
--
To: Tom Sorrell
From: LOTI
Subject: oh
i just found out your not here today* when you read this im out of staples and i need you to help me move thse boxes
(**Author's note: Her desk is twenty yards away. The first e-mail was sent to me at 9:30 AM. I received the last one at 2 PM.)
-----------------------------------------
To: Tom Sorrell
From: LOTI
Subject: fax
on 12/18 i dropped a fax off but you didnt fax it
i need you to fax it asap
--
To: LOTI
From: Tom Sorrell
Subject: re: fax
First of all, there is no way you dropped off a fax on the 18th of December... the 18th was a Saturday.
Second, what was the fax number, I'll check the outgoing fax log and see what happened.
--
To: Tom Sorrell
From: LOTI
Subject: re: fax
the number is ***-***-**** and i mustve given it to you on that friday the 17
--
To: LOTI
From: Tom Sorrell
Subject: re: fax
It was never faxed and I do not have the documents.
--
To: Tom Sorrell
From: LOTI
Subject: re: fax
i know i have them right here in front of me
--
To: LOTI
From: Tom Sorrell
Subject: re: fax
What? You have a copy? Did you make copies before you dropped them off?
--
To: Tom Sorrell
From: LOTI
Subject: re: fax
no you gave it back to me
--
To: LOTI
From: Tom Sorrell
Subject: re: fax
No I didn't. I don't give faxes back unless they're personal. I file them away for record keeping. By any chance, is there an initial or time stamp anywhere on the cover sheet?
--
To: Tom Sorrell
From: LOTI
Subject: re: fax
no
--
To: LOTI
From: Tom Sorrell
Subject: re: fax
Well that means you never gave it to me to fax.
--
To: Tom Sorrell
From: LOTI
Subject: re: fax
yes i did!!!!
--
To: LOTI
From: Tom Sorrell
Subject: re: fax
No you did not.
Had you given it to me, it would have my initials on it indicating that I received it. If I had actually faxed it, there would be a time stamp indicating that it was faxed at that time. You have said neither of these are present, therefore you never gave it to me to fax.
Would you like me to fax it now or would you rather keep wasting time trying to blame me for your mistake?
--
To: Tom Sorrell
From: LOTI
Subject: re: fax
i know i gave it to you why are you lying
--
To: LOTI
From: Tom Sorrell
Subject: re: fax
Yea, you're absolutely correct, I am lying because I am involved in a massive company-wide conspiracy against you and your ability to fax. I can't believe you found this out, we thought we had you fooled.
What had actually happened was: We all came in on that Saturday to set this up. We changed the dates on everything to make it seem like it was Friday, then we called you at home and asked why you were not here. When you came in, you brought me a fax, but I just took it and hid it for a week without initialing it, faxing it, or time-stamping it. Then I put it in your desk and waited until today to set the plan into motion. You said you're faxing it to ***-***-****, but in reality, that is a number we made up and the client you're faxing it to does not exist. The person who called you today was actually someone we hired to act like a client. He did a pretty good job too.
Anyway, congratulations of figuring this out, maybe you should submit an application to the CIA. I hear they're always looking for code-breakers.
--
To: Tom Sorrell
From: LOTI
Subject: re: fax
im telling brian about you
--
To: LOTI
From: Tom Sorrell
Subject: re: fax
Brian does not exist, he is a figment of your imagination.
-----------------------------------------
*************BONUS***********
-----------------------------------------
To: Tom Sorrell
From: Brian
Subject: So...
I hear I'm a figment of someone's imagination.
--
To: Brian
From: Tom Sorrell
Subject: re: So...
Who dat? Who there?
--
To: Tom Sorrell
From: Brian
Subject: re: So...
Look, I know she's not the sharpest knife in the drawer, but please don't do that. You just make my life more difficult.
(Off the record, if you can actually convince her that I'm not real, I will double your salary and give you a company car.)
User Reviews
Submitted by BobSandwich (user info) at 2008-07-18 14:47:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Give us more Fun with Real E-mails and I will blow you.
Submitted by shadow (user info) at 2008-07-18 14:27:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
AHAHAHA
company car, ftw.
Submitted by Fey (user info) at 2008-07-18 13:56:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Zax (user info) at 2008-07-18 13:32:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
so funny hard to breathe
Submitted by experima (user info) at 2007-02-27 22:11:52 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by EchoBoxing (user info) at 2006-04-04 23:24:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
overall, it was alright. the last line was brilliant though. tell your boss he kicks ass.
Submitted by Stagger_Lee (user info) at 2006-04-04 23:13:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Fuck, I wish my last office job boss had been like that, instead of the insane bastard he was.
Submitted by williamson (user info) at 2005-03-15 00:47:51 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by AlwaysAnEagle (user info) at 2005-02-14 18:50:05 (#)
Ranking: 2
Tell Brian I'll marry him and fuck his brains out every night, just for his pure awesomeness.
------------------------------
I too am willing
Submitted by urbaneruralite (user info) at 2005-02-20 20:26:48 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by BobLobla (user info) at 2005-02-18 13:45:51 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Obi-wan (user info) at 2005-02-16 12:56:08 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 for adding brian in at the end
Submitted by jgreening (user info) at 2005-02-14 19:00:21 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Yep. This kicked ass.
Submitted by AlwaysAnEagle (user info) at 2005-02-14 18:50:05 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Tell Brian I'll marry him and fuck his brains out every night, just for his pure awesomeness.
Submitted by DamienX (user info) at 2005-02-14 15:30:59 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Mr.JackassFrost (user info) at 2005-02-06 16:15:10 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
This has got to be the most hilarious series every.
You may continue.
Submitted by Stin (user info) at 2005-02-06 15:38:56 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Please email my colleague. Give her hell. Make her cry. Make a knife jump out of the screen and stab her to death. Please Tom, I neeeeeeeeed you...
Submitted by ariseymour (user info) at 2005-02-06 15:09:59 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Yep, waiting for part 6.
Submitted by Electro (user info) at 2005-02-06 03:46:02 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Post a part 6 now or YOUR FIRED!!!
Submitted by Electro (user info) at 2005-02-06 03:44:56 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
BAM!
Submitted by c1ndy (user info) at 2005-02-06 03:44:51 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
tom sorrel you are wasted in your job
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2005-02-06 03:35:33 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
You fucker, with all the laughing and what not.
Submitted by bart (user info) at 2005-02-06 02:47:40 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by thecaes (user info) at 2005-02-06 02:35:16 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Brian's last line made me laugh out loud. I never laugh out loud. My existence is humourless and sombre, and you've ruined me.
Ruined me I say!
Submitted by JohosaPhaTZ (user info) at 2005-02-05 18:02:02 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Your boss kicks as much ass!
Submitted by Lechuga (user info) at 2005-02-04 14:41:40 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Oh, how I loved this series. More Tom, MORE MORE!
THE GNOMES DEMAND IT!
Submitted by bush_for_god (user info) at 2005-02-03 19:24:04 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2005-02-03 19:09:13 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
that is pretty brilliant!
Submitted by CJRipley (user info) at 2005-02-03 14:55:49 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
These are fucking priceless! Gotta love the village idiots.
Submitted by Fartman (user info) at 2005-02-03 14:55:23 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Great stuff, and Brian is the man.
Submitted by HZRD (user info) at 2005-02-03 14:27:29 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I fucking love these. Keep 'em comin'!
Submitted by BuckeyesTHEGAME (user info) at 2005-02-03 08:30:40 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
A cult following, eh? I like that. I'm the Kentucky Fried Poster or Amazon Women on the Ubersite...
Tell everyone at your work I said hello and tell them Brian said: "Get off the internet and get to work you lazy slugs."
Oh, wait... he was talking to me. Nevermind.
Submitted by B-Nizzo (user info) at 2005-02-02 23:21:35 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
You and your boss have a cult following at my work. Again, solid gold. Keep em' coming.
Submitted by JohnGalt (user info) at 2005-02-02 23:06:10 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Pure awesome.
Submitted by Shizae (user info) at 2005-02-02 22:46:37 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by UrbaneMischief (user info) at 2005-02-02 20:32:04 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by TragicKingdom (user info) at 2005-02-02 20:13:06 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
nice
Submitted by Katastrofadark (user info) at 2005-02-02 18:00:42 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
This is one of the greatest series I have read so far on here.
Submitted by transhuman (user info) at 2005-02-02 17:36:46 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by EAZEDZT (user info) at 2005-02-02 17:02:49 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Look, I know she's not the sharpest knife in the drawer, but please don't do that. You just make my life more difficult.
(Off the record, if you can actually convince her that I'm not real, I will double your salary and give you a company car.)
Too funny.
Submitted by AshK (user info) at 2005-02-02 16:14:31 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Bravo!
Submitted by TimeCop (user info) at 2005-02-02 15:44:51 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
WEll, whaddaya know...
I go to the IT building before class to check Ubersite for the express purpose of seeing if you had put up a new Fun with Email post. Nope, none there. Five minutes after I leave, you put this up.
Son
Of
A
Bitch
Submitted by BuckeyesTHEGAME (user info) at 2005-02-02 15:40:13 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Lyric (user info) at 2005-02-02 14:59:57 (#)
Ranking: 2
I love this series.
What IS your job? It seems all you do is answer the plees of useless idiots who can't get their own staples.
------------------
I literally do a little bit of everything. It's frustrating sometimes.
Submitted by knucklesnelson (user info) at 2005-02-02 15:26:00 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
har har
Submitted by FilthyAssistant (user info) at 2005-02-02 15:25:35 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm amused.
Submitted by spedmonkey (user info) at 2005-02-02 15:08:46 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Brian actually is THE FUCKING MAN.
Submitted by Caulaincourt (user info) at 2005-02-02 15:01:36 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by potatomanjack (user info) at 2005-02-02 15:00:59 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
The Deuce
Submitted by Lyric (user info) at 2005-02-02 14:59:57 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I love this series.
What IS your job? It seems all you do is answer the plees of useless idiots who can't get their own staples.
Submitted by espo (user info) at 2005-02-02 14:47:15 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Look, I know she's not the sharpest knife in the drawer, but please don't do that. You just make my life more difficult.
Submitted by joefu007 (user info) at 2005-02-02 14:22:21 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
You are a god among us mortal men.
Please keep them coming!!
Submitted by Yes (user info) at 2005-02-02 13:03:15 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
HAHAHA!
Submitted by seanfogy (user info) at 2005-02-02 12:51:08 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
this is great stuff
Submitted by polyamorousaj (user info) at 2005-02-02 12:47:37 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by darko (user info) at 2005-02-02 12:46:48 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 for groundhog day!
Submitted by xenon (user info) at 2005-02-02 12:42:43 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
these actually get better with age...like a fine wine
Submitted by Soley_Trinity (user info) at 2005-02-02 12:42:19 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Brian - Man.Myth.Legend.
Submitted by nitty34 (user info) at 2005-02-02 12:37:29 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Outstanding.
Submitted by Adamdidit2u (user info) at 2005-02-02 12:36:10 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
hahahhahah
Submitted by SilvrWolf (user info) at 2005-02-02 12:34:27 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"Off the record"
I'd hold him to that deal and she doesn't sound like it'd be too hard to pull off.
Submitted by DirtySpoon (user info) at 2005-02-02 12:28:31 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I would give my first born child to have a boss that cool.
Submitted by Rocktsrgn (user info) at 2005-02-02 12:07:27 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I think that I'm in love with Brian.
Submitted by thaumaturge (user info) at 2005-02-02 11:58:08 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I feel your pain, I work for Dept. of State.
Submitted by L-Gizzle (user info) at 2005-02-02 11:54:10 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
i wish the people in my office weren't so damn uptight. i tried emailing like this to a co-worker whose daughter was abused by her dad. told her i was going to rape her daughter and make her call me daddy. i now need a new job, and for some reason the authorities are watching me.
Submitted by Hadooken (user info) at 2005-02-02 11:53:07 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
epic, as always.
Submitted by ess-arr (user info) at 2005-02-02 11:37:04 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
The last one from LOTI, didn't really seem like you were having fun though. you seemed aggravated.
top notch.
Submitted by bossk (user info) at 2005-02-02 11:36:37 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
My god, if I tried that here, we'd have a fucking all-day meeting about it. You are a lucky man.
Submitted by BuckeyesTHEGAME (user info) at 2005-02-02 11:33:54 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
I'nm actually really busy now, so I have to get to work.
Submitted by Rawrg (user info) at 2005-02-02 11:28:56 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
This is a good series, keep em coming... even it if it's at the expense of your job...
Submitted by GreenRiver (user info) at 2005-02-02 11:27:09 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
good series!
Submitted by WhatTheHell (user info) at 2005-02-02 11:23:40 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
What is this world coming too ?
http://www.ubersite.com/m/58412
Click above to find out.....
Submitted by The_taste_of_Monkeys (user info) at 2005-02-02 11:22:58 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
sweet
Submitted by BuckeyesTHEGAME (user info) at 2005-02-02 11:22:17 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Every person has had one or two stupid moments here, but the only person I would call ignorant is is the one featured in this post...
Submitted by indoninja (user info) at 2005-02-02 11:20:47 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I think I could be running your office inside of a week. Of course with the idiots you work with, I don't know if I would want to.
Submitted by Donitsu2002 (user info) at 2005-02-02 11:17:50 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Brian is the frikkin MAN
Submitted by AwesomeJohnson (user info) at 2005-02-02 11:16:47 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
if you could go ahead and high-five Brian for me, that'd be great. mmmm yeah.
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2005-02-02 11:14:52 EST (#)
Ranking: -1
What are you, the office slave?
Fuck that job.
Submitted by PWNstar (user info) at 2005-02-02 11:11:53 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Tell Brian he has a loyal following of fans on this site
Oh, and I think its libel when its in writing, not slander. Minor detail.
Submitted by DeathJester (user info) at 2005-02-02 11:10:59 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Laughing while I write this review.
OK smiling now.
Still smiling.
Small smirk.
Smiling again.
Ok, now i'm good.
Nice one.
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2005-02-02 11:10:53 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I like the cut of Brians jib.
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2005-02-02 11:09:04 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Xqueezums (user info) at 2005-02-02 11:05:14 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
I would definitely try to convince her that "Brian" does not exist. Where do you work and what I.Q. must the employees have before they submit resumes, mainly the people who have made it to your posts?
Submitted by Pentameter (user info) at 2005-02-02 11:03:20 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Hahahaha!
This is hilarious!
The last line clinched it.
Submitted by fluff (user info) at 2005-02-02 11:01:55 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Hahahaha....
+2 For the ending!
Submitted by ThineJericho (user info) at 2005-02-02 11:00:40 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Fucking awesome.
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2005-02-02 10:59:23 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Awwww, yeaaaah, boy-eeeee.
Submitted by JMG114 (user info) at 2005-02-02 10:55:11 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm going to start praying to you each night before I go to bed.