I am thinking of getting a wife. (1368 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1.65 on 55 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Apollo (View user info) at 2005-02-02 11:48:55 EST
The thing is - I lack direction.
Nothing REALLY matters to me and things tend to come very easily. Money, talent, good looks, Lego collection, hamster porn collection etc.
I have tried it all sex, drugs and rock 'n' roll (more like wanking, aspirin and the Glen Miller Band -ed) but the party has to stop some time - and now is the time.
As a first step towards achieving this goal I have ceased to masturbate. Yes that's right you heard me I have stopped playing with myself. I haven't pulled the head off it this year. My theory being that perhaps it will motivate me to get off my fat arse and get a bird.
Usually I can't be doing with that whistley whiny noise that comes from their mouths. Talking I believe it is called. I am hoping that my swinging knackers full of semen might over rule or at least raise my irritability bar to overcome this.
The major problem is, and I'll let you all into a secret here, they are all weird. Every single one of them is fucked up in some small way. Don't believe me? Well, and I am not sure as to the veracity of this statement but I have heard that they... pee sitting down. How strange is that?? They must get their arses pretty damn wet sitting on that urinal.
So how to go about it?
Well, the first place I started looking was all the obvious one football grounds, video game shops, internet cafes, xxx sex stores, car dealerships, hardware stores but they don't seem to hang out there, which again I am sure you will agree is strange.
So where do they lurk? I asked around and apparently women are into flowers and soft music and make up. So naturally I started hanging around funeral homes but they didn't seem to be exactly in their droves there. Some of 'em looked quite fresh but I have standards you know. Plus they were all locked up at night.
After exhausting all available options I have turned to the interweb. Uberweb to be precise.
So anyone fancy marrying me? Oh and your cunt has to work as I want a kid eventually, it will save me sneaking around at night snatching them, kinda like when you start growing your own weed.
Nothing like finishing on a crude note to reel the ladies in. I rock.
User Reviews
Submitted by c1ndy (user info) at 2005-02-12 03:01:09 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
good luck!
Submitted by Dervel (user info) at 2005-02-07 07:27:38 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Apologies for the hijack Apollo, but I just wanted to say:
Ha ha! Beat You!
In your face:
http://www.ubersite.com/cgi-bin/nfl2005.cgi?stats=details
Submitted by wardy (user info) at 2005-02-04 11:08:01 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
ban apollu
Submitted by Dervel (user info) at 2005-02-04 10:57:12 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Don't even mention the abomination that is discos to them though. They don't like that.
---
Imagine you like salt and vinegar crisps but hate nightclubs. How would you construe the above?
You're to blame.
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2005-02-04 07:54:42 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Yes, well, obviously they LIKE the pickled onion ones but they are generally on their way to speed dating meetings and don't want to smell.
Ever wondered why squirrels always seem to be in a rush? Horny little beggars.
Submitted by tuesdaydelay (user info) at 2005-02-04 07:19:29 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
http://www.ebay.co.uk ?
Submitted by Dervel (user info) at 2005-02-04 06:52:39 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
If squirrels don't like discos why did I see one this morning wearing pink platform boots and an outrageously oversized afro wig?
Not even pickled onion space raiders? I find that very difficult to believe.
Submitted by mrwolf (user info) at 2005-02-04 06:43:44 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by munkeypants (user info) at 2005-02-02 13:03:52 (#)
Ranking: 2
fancy moving to Boston?
We can only get married if I can bring home really hot women every once
in a while... for us. Also, I would prefer it if you went out at least once a week
with your drinking buddies and didnt come home until the next day. A girl needs her space
you know. and please PLEASE go to strip clubs every once in a while or
i will worry that you are turning gay. the fridge can only be stocked
with beer, meats, and pies. and i find it entirely appropriate for
you to ogle my sister.
whaddya say?
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
In the words of the 'beautiful south'... "Don't marry him, have me" Radio edit of course. The album version's naughty
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2005-02-04 06:22:15 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
No, no, you are mistaken, they don't like space raiders, they are, in fact, rather fond of salt 'n' shake. They like to nibble the sachet open and shake the bag leaping from tree to tree shout 'whee wheeeeee'.
Don't even mention the abomination that is discos to them though. They don't like that.
They get all monthy python on your ass.
Submitted by Dervel (user info) at 2005-02-04 06:15:36 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Squirrels don't eat salt 'n' shake, you'll have to swap the nuts for a garlic mushroom canapé.
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2005-02-04 06:08:08 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
I am allergic to peanuts.
perhaps a bag of salt 'n' shake ?
Otherwise it seems a flawless plan.
Carling Black Name Tag.
hehehehehe.
<farts>
Submitted by Dervel (user info) at 2005-02-04 04:26:00 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Glen Miller. How conspiracy loves a dead star. Especially when they can't find the body.
I like the Parisian whore version best.
Apollo, I think it's time for me to share my wisdom:
Build an assault course in your garden, think Krypton Factor but with more ropes. Put a bag of KP salted peanuts at the end and run it each morning.
I saw it on the telly a few years ago, it might have been a Carling Black Label advert.
Anyhow it matters not, the chicks love it.
Submitted by FelizJbirth (user info) at 2005-02-04 04:25:22 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
You know if you don't masturbate for 3 weeks, you go blind... be careful.
Submitted by Wiggles (user info) at 2005-02-04 02:07:55 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
http://www.ubersite.com/m/58597
Submitted by Merlina (user info) at 2005-02-03 08:42:31 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
really? prove it!
er...............
Submitted by Hadooken (user info) at 2005-02-03 08:12:33 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
how many people are going to photoshop their mug onto that photo?
the over under is 4
Submitted by justjoe21 (user info) at 2005-02-03 07:56:09 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
quality post, good luck with that! ( there is always something weird.....ALWAYS!!!! )
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2005-02-03 07:47:02 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
I have, honest!
Submitted by Merlina (user info) at 2005-02-03 04:53:39 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
stopped masturbating?
I don't believe you.
Submitted by corn_nugget (user info) at 2005-02-02 20:54:16 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Apollo... don't blame shift. I see how you cut the chinese-dad out of the picture!!! ARE YOU ASHAMED?
Submitted by Saxon (user info) at 2005-02-02 18:45:17 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I find alcahol as a good substitute.
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2005-02-02 18:28:16 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
that is so racist corinne.
especially since you marry sand nigger towel heads.
(you know i didn't mean that right?? I am so pro-arab/muslim it is almost treason)
Submitted by corn_nugget (user info) at 2005-02-02 17:20:58 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Apparently you want to marry into an asian family.
Submitted by Flying_buttmonkey (user info) at 2005-02-02 16:50:59 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Well I was about to say something derogatory regarding the scouse accent but Stin seems to like it....although she's kinda taken.
I don't know, when you've grown up around trackie/trainie wearing big issue selling scally scouse work-dodgers it doesn't really do anything for you. City of Culcher..the irony.
Nothing against you though Apollo, I'd fuck you any day. It's not like you're Welsh or anything.
Submitted by Davros (user info) at 2005-02-02 16:36:57 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by screamfeeder (user info) at 2005-02-02 15:14:54 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by loki (user info) at 2005-02-02 13:17:49 (#)
Ranking: 0
You could always go about it the old fashioned way, knock up some slore who has a rich daddy.
---------------
mom?
Submitted by Stin (user info) at 2005-02-02 14:26:52 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
You forgot to mention the oh-my-god-fuck-me-now Scouse accent.
If that don't pull the US chicks, I don't know what will.
Submitted by 1Point21Gigawatts (user info) at 2005-02-02 14:15:42 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
So where do they lurk?
------------------------
At my place.
Submitted by AwesomeJohnson (user info) at 2005-02-02 13:52:39 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
once again, I've got dibs on candlesticks.
Submitted by ellsmall (user info) at 2005-02-02 13:37:43 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
My crystal ball reveals a murder/suicide in your future, just can't see if it's you or your future bride (lucky girl) that snaps first.
Let me know where you register.
Submitted by ess-arr (user info) at 2005-02-02 13:25:10 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
HAve you tried picking them up in the middle of the interstate?
Submitted by loki (user info) at 2005-02-02 13:18:43 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
dangitall I meant to rate this
Submitted by darko (user info) at 2005-02-02 13:18:17 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 for groundhog day!
Submitted by loki (user info) at 2005-02-02 13:17:49 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
You could always go about it the old fashioned way, knock up some slore who has a rich daddy.
Submitted by Yes (user info) at 2005-02-02 13:13:04 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Sure... but you gotta have the baby, I'm the pitcher, I don't recieve.
Submitted by TigerLilly (user info) at 2005-02-02 13:10:42 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Thats my Munkeypants!!
I've seen her sister too. Definitely ogle material!
Submitted by munkeypants (user info) at 2005-02-02 13:03:52 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
fancy moving to Boston?
We can only get married if I can bring home really hot women every once
in a while... for us. Also, I would prefer it if you went out at least once a week
with your drinking buddies and didnt come home until the next day. A girl needs her space
you know. and please PLEASE go to strip clubs every once in a while or
i will worry that you are turning gay. the fridge can only be stocked
with beer, meats, and pies. and i find it entirely appropriate for
you to ogle my sister.
whaddya say?
Submitted by Loren1 (user info) at 2005-02-02 12:43:40 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
What JMG said, only, I don't want to be the baby.
Submitted by Ainkara (user info) at 2005-02-02 12:32:59 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Oh Apollo, we have so much in common. You are from the almighty England, I am from the convict island of England...
We could have such a happy life together if you get me a pardon from this sentence of mine...
Submitted by Soley_Trinity (user info) at 2005-02-02 12:21:27 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Oooooh DADDY!
Submitted by oddbob (user info) at 2005-02-02 12:16:48 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I've always found these people very helpful, they've got me 7 brides so far. The 8th would be here already, but i couldn't afford first class postage so they had to send her by yak.
http://www.thai-professional.com
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2005-02-02 12:16:22 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
It's just so much dirtier when Soley says it.
Submitted by Soley_Trinity (user info) at 2005-02-02 12:15:33 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by JMG114 (user info) at 2005-02-02 11:56:07 (#)
Ranking: 2
I'd like my face to be where the baby's face is in the picture. I want you to be my daddy.
Submitted by Caulaincourt (user info) at 2005-02-02 12:09:08 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
you and your wife dress like people on wellfare
Submitted by Adamdidit2u (user info) at 2005-02-02 12:05:53 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
You make a good argument
Submitted by Pentameter (user info) at 2005-02-02 11:59:22 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
This made me laugh...especially the funeral homes bit.
Submitted by WhatTheHell (user info) at 2005-02-02 11:57:34 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Try getting a "head reduction"... woman don't go for the inflated look too often, old chap.
Submitted by JMG114 (user info) at 2005-02-02 11:56:07 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I'd like my face to be where the baby's face is in the picture. I want you to be my daddy.
Submitted by Teephphah (user info) at 2005-02-02 11:55:57 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm sold. Oh, if I weren't already spoken for.
No worries though, I'm sure you will be beating them off with a stick.
(Wait, that could be taken completely out of context. . .)
You'll be masterbating them with a twig.
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2005-02-02 11:54:05 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Invest in a bottle of Rohypnol.
Submitted by funk_boy (user info) at 2005-02-02 11:54:01 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Get her. Marry her. Then burn, fuck and eat her.
and steal some babies
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2005-02-02 11:53:55 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
I reserve the right to change my rating.
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2005-02-02 11:52:52 EST (#)
Ranking: -1
Lotsa luck with THAT, Barney.
You might have a better shot at picking up a husband, in this joint.
Submitted by TheSpook (user info) at 2005-02-02 11:51:58 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Why don't you just send all your money to me instead?
I mean, if you're just gonna throw it away on marriage.
Submitted by comicbookguy (user info) at 2005-02-02 11:50:52 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
apollo, my next post shall solve your problem, however it does require stealing babies