How to pick up chicks at grocery stores (21042 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1.96 on 140 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by comicbookguy (View user info) at 2005-02-02 12:15:01 EST
Tired of never meeting women? Tired of going to bars and clubs but struggling to catch the attention of that young girl in the middle of a giant sausage fest? Tired of never getting laid?
If you answered no to all of those questions, then fuck you. But, if you answered yes to even one of them, take my hand and come with me on this journey.
Allow me to reintroduce myself bitches.
My name is Hugh.
But you can call me Mr. Jassdick.
I'm a dating instructor and I have been picking up chicks for years, and with my five part instructional video series, you will too. The key to picking up chicks is to understand that chicks are everywhere. They are not just in clubs or bars, or back alleys behind dumpsters. They are in your everyday places, and that is why my set includes:
1)How to pick up chicks at bus stops: http://www.ubersite.com/m/50706
2)How to pick up chicks at grocery stores
3)How to pick up chicks in an elevator
4)How to pick up chicks at the doctor's office
5)How to pick up chicks in various other potentially socially awkward situations that cannot be categorized in the above four videos
After you have watched these videos, you will be a lean, mean sex machine like I am. You will be picking up chicks in no time, and I don't mean lifting fat women. If you're into that, buy my other video series on how to build muscle through the lifting of fat women. I'm talking about bench pressing fat women, curling fat women, and doing push ups with fat women sitting on your back.
After you have seen these videos, you will be able to walk up to a woman in any of these situations, get her number, get a date, and get laid, eventually leading to a healthy long-term relationship. Or, conversely, a lot of casual monkey sex with you eventual dumping her because she wants commitment. You dog you! Either way, if your penis enters one of her orifices, I know I have done my job and that gives me a warm fuzzy feeling inside that reminds me why I got into the business in the first place.
Today's episode will teach you how to pick up chicks at the supermarket. The ironic thing about a super market is that it is neither super nor a market, except that it actually is a market, but not very super. Trained with your knowledge on how to pick up chicks at bus stops, the super market should pose a much easier situation in which to pick up chicks. The time frame in which you can operate is increased ten fold which gives you a plenty of time to attempt different options and formulate a strategy. It is also a place where sexual innuendo is thicker then Star Jones' thunder thighs.
Cucumbers
Sausages
Oils
Raisin Bran
All of these things are dripping with allusions, intimations, and insinuations of sexual intercourse and thus the supermarket contains in it a magical atmosphere in which god's voice booms down from the Cosmo's as if to say, "THY SHALL PICK UP CHICKS HERETH"
Step 1: Pick the right supermarket
The 24 hour convenience store on Ass Clown Road run by the Indian or Korean who charges you 35 cents for a hot dog from 1998 is not a super market. Chicks don't shop there, and if they do, then GOD HELP US ALL. These are not the chicks that you are interested in. For once in your miserable life, you will need to shop in an actual supermarket that contains food fit for consumption by normal human beings. A medium sized supermarket/grocery store with roughly 7 or 8 aisles with an additional fruit and vegetable section is ideal. Do not attempt to be bold and try to pick up chicks at a Costco or a Sam's Club. These areas are much too big to formulate a quick and strategic plan of attack, and besides, you don't want to be reduced to having sex with somebody who buys lard in bulk.
Stay away from the Costco's and the Sam's Club's. I know that your pathetic diet and income is dependent on their delectable free samples for your daily sustenance, but when picking up chicks are concerned, sacrifices must be made. My uncle didn't give up four limbs in Vietnam so you could eat free taco samples and not screw his granddaughter.
THIS IS WAR GENTLEMAN.
And you are soldiers.
Step 2: Borrow or steal a baby
The power of a baby is a thing of genius that science cannot explain. A baby will increase your chance of picking up chicks by 4000% percent. It has been endorsed by various professionals (http://www.ubersite.com/m/53276), and it has been proven that the exploitation of babies is best used in the super market setting because they can be placed in the confines of a shopping cart. To start, make sure the baby is not yours. I realize that most of you have impregnated several hideous women in drunken sex orgies in ratty alleyways, but it is of utmost importance that the baby be cute. We all know that your shriveled penis and defective sperm could never produce a baby that didn't look like the spawn of Geraldo Rivera and...uh...Geraldo Rivera. You need to borrow a baby from someone beautiful, or in most cases, steal the baby. Have a cabbage patch doll handy, make the switch, and no one will be the wiser. Next, drug the baby so he/she falls asleep and will not awaken to your hideous face. You can't be running game with a screaming baby in your shopping cart, crying and trying eating your food.
Step 3: Secure a sturdy shopping cart
This is an underrated step and most men do not take in into consideration. If you have a faulty cart, YOU WILL FAIL. Test the cart by wheeling it the length of the aisle. Examine each wheel and have some WD-40 handy to eliminate squeakiness. It is imperative to have complete control of ALL VARIABLES IN THE PICKING UP CHICKS EQUATION. One glitch and you'll be back home, dick in hand, beating off to Cosmo testimonials. A secure shopping cart with no squeaky wheels of the utmost importance.
Do you ever notice those cool guys like me who can do anything without anything going wrong? When they throw their hat, it always lands on the hat holder. When they throw their coat, it always lands on the coat holder, not out the window like when you did it. They don't bend down to pick up a dime they may have dropped like you do, you cheap bastard. They just continue on their way. It is not cool to pick up dropped dimes. When they slip on a puddle, instead of falling and ruining their clothes like you would, they merely execute a perfect back flip to the cheers and adulation of female bystanders. These men have total control of the environment in which they operate and the variables that affect them. THAT is how you will succeed my friend.
Step 4: Stacking your cart
I realize that you have not eaten fruit, or vegetables, or cooked meat in a long time, but this is not about you. You must stack your NON FAULTY cart with items of consumption that exude sexual innuendo. Sausages, wieners, cucumbers, zucchini's, squash, chocolate sauce, strawberries, grapes, licorice, oil, butter, margarine. These are your friends. Use them wisely. The power of suggestion is quite powerful, which is why it's called the power of suggestion stupid. You want to create an environment where your target's subconscious is thinking about sex. Do not stack your cart with sexually displeasing things like bread or apples. No one wants to have sex with a loaf of bread, though I would imagine a soft piece of Wonder's white bread would feel masterful against the phallus. HOWEVER, you must remember that an apple a day keeps the pussy away.
Step 5: Picking the right girl
The best chick in the supermarket is the one with the highest "most pickupability to most in need of sex" ratio. Who fits this category to a tee?
SINGLE MOTHERS.
It is a well documented theorem that states that of all places in the world, single mothers flock most to the medium sized super market. The grocery store is chock full of single mother goodness. However, you want to pick the right kind of single mother.
First things first. Look for women with strollers or sleeping babies in their shopping carts. You will find plenty, but unfortunately, they are not all targets. Second, make you sure they are not with a man. Maybe you're into the two dick thing but not me you faggot. I will not endorse man on man on woman. Third, look for the ring. Contrary to popular belief, married women will not have sex with you. The fourth step is the most important. Do not attempt to pick up MILFS who are in a rush. This tells you two things. First, they have somewhere they need to be rather then hoping they get picked up by some blubbering homo at a supermarket, and two, because they are in a rush, they will not be suitable targets because you cannot pick up chicks in a rushed environment. She will not be receptive and will shun your advances. You are not as important as yoga class or soccer practice.
Thus, the ideal target for this mission will be the mother with no ring, no man with her, and some type of baby in her possession. Also, SHE WILL NOT BE RUSHING. The supermarket is this woman's only escape from her crappy apartment and 10 hour job. She aimlessly strolls the aisles, lost, a direct metaphor of her life. She needs sweet, sweet love and you and your 4 inches of man hood will provide that love.
Step 6: The Approach
Okay pimp. You're in a prime location, you got your target acquired, you got your stolen or borrowed baby, you got your smooth three wheeled ride and you got that ride stacked with penis shaped vegetables and meats. It's on like Donkey Kong. You're Montel Jordan bitch, and this is how we do it.
Slowly move into the aisle in which she is located with your shopping cart, casually whistling, as if you are in that aisle strictly for grocery shopping purposes and not for picking up chicks. Have a flyer handy in case you need to impress her with you knowledge of the week's specials. Pay some dumbass five dollars to bump into her while she's picking out a box of Kraft Dinner, thus causing many boxes to fall over because she is clumsy and less than agile. Race your shopping cart to the scene of the crime and shake your fist at the man angrily, threatening to exert physical harm on him if necessary. The man (who knows it is all an act) will cower in fear, and run away. This simple yet highly complicated production tells the woman that you were willing to sacrifice your body to save her from potential peril.
Bend down and help the woman pick up the fallen boxes. At this point, she will be shy and nervous, thanking you for your bravery. Show concern for the well being of her baby as well by say something like, "is your baby okay? I have a baby too, so I know about babies."
As you pick up the boxes, make you sure you try and pick up a box that is in her vicinity so you both go for the same box at the exact same time. Your hands will touch. This is important. MAKE SURE YOU HAVE A WARM LOOK IN YOUR EYES WHEN YOUR EYES MEET DUE TO THE HAND TOUCH.
If all goes well, she will smile and you will tell her your name. You will both stand up and she will notice your beautifully sleeping baby, i.e. the icing on the motherfucking cake. She will comment on your baby's beautifulness, and you will return the comment by saying the same about her baby, even if the baby is terribly ugly.
As you both wheel towards the cash registers, Ask her about herself, BUT DON'T SAY ANYTHING ABOUT YOU. No one cares. If she asks you about yourself, make up something based on the information that she has given you. If she has a button on her jacket that says "free Tibet" tell her you're a Buddhist. Then in the bedroom, you can be all like, "BOOYA bitch, here's some enlightenment in the form of my penis"
Pay for your respective groceries and then help her put her groceries into her car. Do not forget about your stolen or borrowed baby. Poke it from time to time to make sure it is still breathing and has a faint pulse.
Now it is time for the obtaining of the number. After you have helped her with her groceries, an awkward pause will follow. This is perfect. Grab the baby from the cart, hold him/her with one hand, and put your other hand in your pocket. Say, exactly like this:
"So...uh...can I...umm....you know....call you some time?"
Look at up her with a half smile, showing slight signs of nervousness.
I guarantee she will say yes my friend, because as everyone knows, my theory can be proven through simple logic.
Dogs are a man's best friend: you want to screw her in the ass.
Diamonds are a girl's best friend: a penis is forever.
Two plus two equals four bitch.
User Reviews
Submitted by Cakes (user info) at 2009-10-07 04:04:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Against my better judgement, which is usually right.
Submitted by zeppert (user info) at 2009-09-11 09:37:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"My uncle didn't give up four limbs in Vietnam so you could eat free taco samples and not screw his granddaughter."
If I could give this more than a +2 I definitely would. That line is fucking priceless. Fucking awesome post all around.
Submitted by locksly (user info) at 2009-09-11 07:20:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
t bag
Submitted by EchoBoxing (user info) at 2006-12-31 14:46:08 EST (#)
Ranking: -1
mediocre at best
Submitted by Zebra (user info) at 2006-11-29 03:04:28 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Really funny.
Submitted by konohasaiyajin (user info) at 2006-11-28 02:41:40 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
no wonder all my other "super" market trips have been failures! it's all so clear to me now!
Submitted by EdaphonE (user info) at 2006-11-25 09:09:03 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Genius!
Submitted by DonSturgeon2003 (user info) at 2006-11-10 23:34:12 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by awesome_face (user info) at 2006-10-31 11:26:26 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2006-10-29 23:04:04 (#)
Ranking: 2
Now it's only 3rd best.
Submitted by darko (user info) at 2006-10-29 22:32:15 (#)
Ranking: 0
This is the 2nd best post ever, and the only thing keeping it from the top is an arbitrary +1 from rad. (pretty sure WhatTheHell lost his ratings)
__
Well if you like to get technical, it is only the 3rd best.
but still #1 in my heart
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2006-10-29 23:04:04 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Now it's only 3rd best.
Submitted by darko (user info) at 2006-10-29 22:32:15 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
This is the 2nd best post ever, and the only thing keeping it from the top is an arbitrary +1 from rad. (pretty sure WhatTheHell lost his ratings)
Submitted by awesome_face (user info) at 2006-10-17 15:25:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Hey remember that one time you were thinking. "Hey this isn't the best post on uber."
Well you're fucking gay. This is the best.
Submitted by awesome_face (user info) at 2006-09-13 20:15:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Just reminding Uber that this is THE BEST FUCKING POST ON THIS SITE!
Submitted by Deidra (user info) at 2006-09-12 18:45:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by HotWillie (user info) at 2006-09-11 04:24:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Awesome.
Submitted by Istaros (user info) at 2006-09-03 11:38:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
this was the best part:
Show concern for the well being of her baby as well by say something like, "is your baby okay? I have a baby too, so I know about babies."
just imagine a dude actually saying it
Submitted by LSD420 (user info) at 2006-08-20 20:24:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
hnourary +1 for not thinking about when she finds out about you having stolen a baby to trick her into fucking you.
Submitted by street-pirate (user info) at 2006-08-20 19:12:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Damn this was good.
Submitted by Maltese (user info) at 2006-07-24 06:49:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I am going to +2 all your posts.
Submitted by Average_Dan (user info) at 2006-07-10 01:37:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Smurfs (user info) at 2005-02-02 15:44:59 (#)
Ranking: 2
"Maybe you're into the two dick thing but not me you faggot."
Submitted by DoctorPhil (user info) at 2006-06-21 03:30:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
OMG its brilliant fucking brilliant
Submitted by LT (user info) at 2006-05-08 08:40:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Booya bitch, fantastic
Submitted by Crystle (user info) at 2006-03-20 23:15:50 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Astropath (user info) at 2006-01-26 17:24:34 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Diamonds are a girl's best friend: a penis is forever.
=======================
Elegant; subtle and timeless.
Submitted by awesome_face (user info) at 2006-01-26 17:15:59 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by EAZEDZT (user info) at 2006-01-11 17:59:16 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I think you know stuff
Submitted by MistressFist (user info) at 2006-01-11 13:53:19 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
What is I just want to rape a chick at the grocery store. This whole "date" thing is waaay to committal for me.
Submitted by JohnGalt (user info) at 2006-01-11 13:34:25 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2005-12-18 18:28:25 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
kekekekekekekekekekekekekekekekekekekekekekekekekekekekekekekekekekekekekekekekekekekekekekekekekekekekekekekekekekekekekeke
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2005-12-14 06:43:56 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
As you pick up the boxes, make you sure you try and pick up a box that is in her vicinity so you both go for the same box at the exact same time. Your hands will touch. This is important. MAKE SURE YOU HAVE A WARM LOOK IN YOUR EYES WHEN YOUR EYES MEET DUE TO THE HAND TOUCH.
---
Yep.
Submitted by Walker (user info) at 2005-12-14 06:37:55 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Good show, old chap!
Submitted by BeavisChrist (user info) at 2005-12-11 15:56:32 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Outstanding.
Submitted by Yams (user info) at 2005-12-11 15:54:55 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
100ish reviewers can't be wrong.
Submitted by refusenik (user info) at 2005-12-11 15:27:20 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
classic
Submitted by WhatTheHell (user info) at 2005-08-29 15:55:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
yup ... I'm a dick
Submitted by FartSmeller (user info) at 2005-08-19 16:59:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Merely execute a backflip.
HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!
Submitted by Chroniclysm (user info) at 2005-08-16 02:43:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This is so fucking funny that I don't know what to say.
Submitted by whiskey_jack (user info) at 2005-08-14 23:05:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I tried this. It worked too, but there was one problem... she was a tranny. Well actually the problem was that she/he/it didn't give the reach around.
Submitted by Mike00295 (user info) at 2005-08-08 15:19:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
102.
Submitted by Vulva (user info) at 2005-08-08 14:10:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Here's #101
------------> +2
Submitted by fudgepacker (user info) at 2005-08-08 13:58:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
nice job.
perfect 2 on 100 reviews.
of course i just jinxed you and some asshole will come along and ruin it. kind of like not talking to your pitcher in the middle of a no-hitter. but still....awesome post.
Submitted by Katelyn (user info) at 2005-08-04 04:38:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Superscan753 (user info) at 2005-08-02 18:12:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Awesome.
Submitted by TheJessicar (user info) at 2005-07-31 18:51:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Show concern for the well being of her baby as well by say something like, "is your baby okay? I have a baby too, so I know about babies."
This would have definitely worked on me.
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2005-07-30 03:14:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Back on top, my nigga.
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2005-07-30 03:13:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
WTF?
Submitted by w_t_a_y_s_t_r_m (user info) at 2005-07-29 04:03:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I hated that cock knocker anyway, but this has really pissed me off. So here.
Submitted by DonovanMD (user info) at 2005-07-29 01:28:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
What a dickhead. Hopefully this +2 helps.
Fight the idiots!
Submitted by entrophize (user info) at 2005-07-28 17:58:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
It doesn't seem fair to have 91 +2's. So here.
Submitted by d_prime (user info) at 2005-07-28 17:37:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Why isn't this on B@W? WHY?
Submitted by Phallic_Cymbals (user info) at 2005-07-25 07:46:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Hilarious, like:
http://www.ubersite.com/m/63279
Submitted by Pr0j3ct (user info) at 2005-07-24 16:09:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
How did I miss this!?!?!?!?!
PURE GOLD!
"Do not forget about your stolen or borrowed baby. Poke it from time to time to make sure it is still breathing and has a faint pulse."
HAHAHAHAHA
*gasp*
HAHAHAHAHAHA
*gasp*
HAHAHAHAHAHA
*dies*
Submitted by c1ndy (user info) at 2005-07-18 13:10:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by jack0173 (user info) at 2005-07-18 02:19:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by jgreening (user info) at 2005-07-13 10:49:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
CBG = badass
Submitted by Unabonger (user info) at 2005-07-10 17:32:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
anyone remember when posts were good?
Submitted by Mike00295 (user info) at 2005-07-08 12:01:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You're Montel Jordan bitch, and this is how we do it.
--------------------
Holy christ cakes that was funny.
Submitted by Ejryuu (user info) at 2005-07-08 11:55:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Fuckin' A man.
Submitted by Confuzitron (user info) at 2005-07-08 11:29:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
How many days is it gonna be until some lame-ass alter gives this a +1?
Submitted by Method (user info) at 2005-07-06 18:44:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by nightshade (user info) at 2005-07-06 02:12:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
so going to try this now
Submitted by pen_name (user info) at 2005-06-02 02:56:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by tehgareh (user info) at 2005-06-02 02:02:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by homeslice (user info) at 2005-05-15 20:37:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
HAHAHAHAHA hilarious
Submitted by dodahdave (user info) at 2005-04-27 16:01:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Damn, CBG, we miss you.
Uber has gone to hell in your absence.
Submitted by blank_mind (user info) at 2005-04-19 16:41:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
+2
+2
+2
Submitted by Phallic_Cymbals (user info) at 2005-04-17 20:10:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
WTF im not reading all the koran!?!?!
Submitted by Quasiplasmohedron (user info) at 2005-04-17 19:43:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Bork. Bork bork!
Submitted by Banga3386 (user info) at 2005-04-17 05:14:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You're Montel Jordan bitch, and this is how we do it.
This 10+ year old reference make me choke on my lemon pepper chicken.
Holy god this has way too much funny to be in just one post.
Anyone ever notice that Montel Jordan looks like Arsenial Hall without the freakishly long fingers?
Banga
Submitted by Wazza (user info) at 2005-04-17 04:38:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
B for Brilliant man ,just cool.
Submitted by mxc_jwebber (user info) at 2005-04-17 04:01:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2005-02-02 15:27:04 (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Hadooken (user info) at 2005-02-02 13:48:29 (#)
Ranking: 2
<linkwhore removed>
Did this fat loser of a fuck just link his horseshit post to this masterpiece?
What a fucking dipshit.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Yeah, then you made the mistake of doing it for him again. Fortunately being Shlongy gives you immunity against getting bitched out for it. Just do as I did above. BTW, GOLD.
Submitted by SullyThePirate (user info) at 2005-04-17 03:20:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
genious.
Submitted by drfeggphd (user info) at 2005-02-11 11:28:35 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
awesome! gonna check out more of your stuff...
Submitted by WhatTheHell (user info) at 2005-02-11 10:49:21 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Grilliant!!
Submitted by DeathJester (user info) at 2005-02-09 09:27:11 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Dogs are a man's best friend: you want to screw her in the ass.
I don't get it, but my trousers are wet now.
Submitted by TheJedi (user info) at 2005-02-06 04:47:37 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Fucking Hillarious!!!!!!!!!
Pure talent and full of potential...
This was a classic...
Submitted by UlfGabe (user info) at 2005-02-03 23:05:57 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Worth of a straight +2 streak
Submitted by Holz (user info) at 2005-02-03 18:04:52 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I know cucumbers make me hot.
Submitted by Jungle_Jimanee (user info) at 2005-02-03 09:09:36 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by thecaes (user info) at 2005-02-03 06:57:38 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Too many funny one liners for me to quote. SO I'll just quote one that no one else has yet.
"Or, conversely, a lot of casual monkey sex with you eventual dumping her because she wants commitment. You dog you! "
Submitted by williamson (user info) at 2005-02-03 06:51:08 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
beautiful
Submitted by Faith (user info) at 2005-02-03 06:08:04 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"You don't want to be reduced to having sex with someone who buys lard in bulk."
No, we couldn't have that now could we?!
+2, another masterpiece!!
Faith
Submitted by Ed_0150 (user info) at 2005-02-03 03:28:01 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by DanielH (user info) at 2005-02-02 22:41:06 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
+++++
Reminds me of "Animal House" when they went to Food King- gotta watch it now. (Saturday and Sunday afternoons in fall are best at grocery stores, since the guys are home dissolving into beer and football.) Awesome.
Submitted by NoahsArk (user info) at 2005-02-02 22:39:58 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by MyNameIsTim (user info) at 2005-02-02 22:21:49 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
you always don't never fail to not dissapoint.
Submitted by Demolocke (user info) at 2005-02-02 21:00:54 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by transhuman (user info) at 2005-02-02 20:52:11 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
wtf? I read all that
I love you comicbookguuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuy
Submitted by Saxon (user info) at 2005-02-02 19:16:20 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Damn good advice.
Submitted by Caulaincourt (user info) at 2005-02-02 19:07:29 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Pentameter (user info) at 2005-02-02 18:33:30 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by 1Point21Gigawatts (user info) at 2005-02-02 16:41:04 (#)
Ranking: 2
"You know, you shouldn't be standing in the frozen food section. 'Cause you could melt all... this... stuff!"
Who knows the movie?
----------
My Blue Heaven...one of the funniest movies ever.
Submitted by spedmonkey (user info) at 2005-02-02 17:01:41 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
What the hell are we going to do once your posts are curtailed when you're in Australia?
Submitted by 1Point21Gigawatts (user info) at 2005-02-02 16:41:04 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"You know, you shouldn't be standing in the frozen food section. 'Cause you could melt all... this... stuff!"
Who knows the movie?
Submitted by hidden101 (user info) at 2005-02-02 15:48:42 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
it's grocery day for me. i'm going to test this out.
god, i'm lonely...
Submitted by Smurfs (user info) at 2005-02-02 15:44:59 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"Maybe you're into the two dick thing but not me you faggot."
Submitted by screamfeeder (user info) at 2005-02-02 15:37:19 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No witty reply here.
Submitted by AshK (user info) at 2005-02-02 15:29:28 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
You're Montel Jordan bitch, and this is how we do it.
Oh man. I injured myself laughing at that.
I wonder how many Ubermens have rubbed their raging boners with Wonder bread today?
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2005-02-02 15:27:04 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Hadooken (user info) at 2005-02-02 13:48:29 (#)
Ranking: 2
http://www.ubersite.com/m/16910
Did this fat loser of a fuck just link his horseshit post to this masterpiece?
What a fucking dipshit.
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2005-02-02 15:21:22 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"here's some enlightenment in the form of my penis"
Brilliant.
Submitted by bossk (user info) at 2005-02-02 14:40:22 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Effin' Hilarious.
Submitted by drfeggphd (user info) at 2005-02-02 14:33:39 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"is your baby okay? I have a baby too, so I know about babies."
hahaha. awesome, the whole thing.
Submitted by Wallstreet (user info) at 2005-02-02 14:25:23 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I would have givin this a +3've but that wasn't a viable option.
Submitted by Wazza (user info) at 2005-02-02 14:03:30 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
yesss
Submitted by DonkeyOnTheEdge (user info) at 2005-02-02 13:59:45 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Find a chick that thinks diamonds are shit and never, ever let go.
Submitted by Hadooken (user info) at 2005-02-02 13:48:29 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
http://www.ubersite.com/m/16910
Submitted by runninginplace (user info) at 2005-02-02 13:47:37 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2005-02-02 13:36:52 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Grin (user info) at 2005-02-02 13:32:27 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Boo! Hiss! This reeeks of sexism and should be banned, no matter how well thought out it was or the fact that it is obviously a joke!
Okay, enough of that crap. It made me laugh. I like it. Here's a good rating.
Submitted by RyuFu (user info) at 2005-02-02 13:28:13 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
This string of +2's will extend for infinity plus 2
Submitted by lucid (user info) at 2005-02-02 13:27:36 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Laughed all the way through it, and gonna try it tonight to see what happens.
Hopefully the stacked boxes of Kraft won't knock her baby out...that would be bad because she might not want to get laid when her baby's in a coma?? I've so much to learn....thank you.
Submitted by Yes (user info) at 2005-02-02 13:22:33 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Mmmmm, sourdough is sooo sexy....
Submitted by potatomanjack (user info) at 2005-02-02 13:15:58 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Word
Submitted by seanfogy (user info) at 2005-02-02 13:14:54 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
WOOO +2 for drugged up babies
Submitted by GodLovesALittleLovin (user info) at 2005-02-02 13:14:16 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by NerfHerder (user info) at 2005-02-02 13:02:54 (#)
Ranking: 2
A few months? *whine* Why don't we just train to be Olympic athletes in that time or win a nobel peace prize?
----------------------------------------
NERF IS A FUCKING GENIUS. Every day from now on we will play in the rec league at the YMCA as a sort of training so that we can have Ubersite represent America as the United States basketball team. CBG's got the three point shot, I've got the mad-dunking skills, tinactin is Mexican, NerfHerder can use magic to turn the other players into chunks of feces, and we can recruit the marvelous Steve Francis to pick up the slack. Donkey can coach us because he is good at yelling andbribing olympic associations.
Submitted by ess-arr (user info) at 2005-02-02 13:11:52 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
THE CART! THE CART! DAMNIT! I knew I was forgetting something, NEXT TIME! NEXT TIME!
Thanks Hugh
Submitted by HZRD (user info) at 2005-02-02 13:07:40 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
'"BOOYA bitch, here's some enlightenment in the form of my penis"'
Fucking geenyus. BRAV-HO!
Submitted by Soley_Trinity (user info) at 2005-02-02 13:04:55 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by NerfHerder (user info) at 2005-02-02 13:02:54 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
A few months? *whine* Why don't we just train to be Olympic athletes in that time or win a nobel peace prize?
Submitted by TigerLilly (user info) at 2005-02-02 13:02:11 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
This will certainly come in handy. What?
Submitted by strider (user info) at 2005-02-02 13:01:06 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Step 5: Picking the right girl
The best chick in the supermarket is the one with the highest "most pickupability to most in need of sex" ratio. Who fits this category to a tee?
=================
There's a flaw in your equation. You have pickupability/needs sex, higher is better. But having a high need of sex in the devisor will actually LOWER the ratio.
Otherwise, quite hilarious.
Submitted by tlovess (user info) at 2005-02-02 12:56:51 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Diamonds are a girl's best friend: a penis is forever
__________________________________________
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHA This is what did it for me. This is hilarious. But seriously, how do guys pick up chicks without babies? REally, not every man wants a screaming, eating, shitting machine to deal with. (I want children eventually, just not now).
Submitted by GodLovesALittleLovin (user info) at 2005-02-02 12:55:51 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by comicbookguy (user info) at 2005-02-02 12:42:38 (#)
Ranking: 0
let's go baby stealing
------------------------------
baby stealing season is over. I think we should get into a European hot-air balloon race around the world. Only takes like, you know, a few months...........eh? eh?
Submitted by MickGinny (user info) at 2005-02-02 12:55:27 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
firefly
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2005-02-02 12:52:14 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Don't buy bread with holes poked in it.
Submitted by hairycoo (user info) at 2005-02-02 12:50:56 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by munkeypants (user info) at 2005-02-02 12:50:49 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Pentameter (user info) at 2005-02-02 12:50:33 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Oh Tinactin, you're lucky I love you. If I didn't, I would dance to La Cucaracha on your skull while eating enchiladas.
Submitted by Ainkara (user info) at 2005-02-02 12:47:57 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by comicbookguy (user info) at 2005-02-02 12:42:38 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
let's go baby stealing
Submitted by darko (user info) at 2005-02-02 12:42:28 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 for groundhog day!
Submitted by GodLovesALittleLovin (user info) at 2005-02-02 12:37:53 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
The toronto raptors suck.
Did that piss you off? Try watching Cleveland make the game-tying shot last night at the buzzer only to be waived off a minute later by the ref, and glory boy LeBron wearing a face-mask that makes him look like some sort of homosexual with a mask fetish.
yeah i'm still bitter, so I must take out all my rage onto you CBG. go eat yourself fucknuts babyloving horsetard.
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2005-02-02 12:36:50 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I've been employing most of your tips for years- I hit the local Kroger once a day- but it really helps to have it all laid out in front of you in a comprehensive manual, as it were.
Submitted by tinactin (user info) at 2005-02-02 12:35:07 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Forgive me, Pentameter. Not all of us were sucking down Marinara-flavored amniotic fluid.
Submitted by Phinch (user info) at 2005-02-02 12:33:39 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
lovely.
Submitted by Pentameter (user info) at 2005-02-02 12:30:59 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by tinactin (user info) at 2005-02-02 12:24:48 (#)
Ranking: 2
You know what's a good condiment? Salsa.
Enjoy a gratuitous Penis Room +2
---------------------
Stupid Mexican. He would say salsa.
Penis Room = +2.
Submitted by scrumdown (user info) at 2005-02-02 12:29:50 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I am speechless. That was awesome.
Submitted by Lechuga (user info) at 2005-02-02 12:26:15 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Dude, this sucked.
And by sucked I mean rocked.
Submitted by JMG114 (user info) at 2005-02-02 12:25:07 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"No one wants to have sex with a loaf of bread, though I would imagine a soft piece of Wonder's white bread would feel masterful against the phallus."
That line sits up there with the wheel and the cell phone as mankind's greatest achievements.
Submitted by tinactin (user info) at 2005-02-02 12:24:48 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
You know what's a good condiment? Salsa.
Enjoy a gratuitous Penis Room +2
Submitted by cat_head (user info) at 2005-02-02 12:23:30 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
This killed me.