Excalibur suffers from Pithecophobia (1315 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1.97 on 49 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by screamfeeder (View user info) at 2005-02-02 20:50:06 EST
What follows is a verbatim transcript of my conversations with employees of the Excalibur Hotel and Casino.
I have changed the names of all parties involved to protect the innocent.
The events leading up to these calls are of no-consequence and should be taken as the ruminations of a madman.
They are 100% accurate and true.
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*click*
RecordedVoice-"Thank you for calling Excalibur Hotel and Casino..."
*Here is where I just pressed 0 a few times till I heard ringing*
WayTooHappyLady-"Excalibur Hotel and Casino, how may I direct your call?"
Screamfeeder-"Hello. My name is Howard McDougal and I am calling for some information regarding your 'Tournament of Kings' event."
Lady-"Of course sir. Let me transfer you to the Entertainment desk."
*more ringing*
Another Lady-"Excalibur Entertainment, Home of The Kingdom, would you like to hear about our current shows?"
SF-"Hello. My name is Howard McDougal and I am calling for some information regarding your 'Tournament of Kings' event."
Lady-"Of course sir. We have two Daily shows that run at 6:00pm and 8:30pm. The show includes meals and..."
SF-"Sorry to interrupt uhhhhhh...?
Lady-"Jennica."
SF-"Jennica, yes sorry to interrupt but I have all of the general information on the show already. What I am looking for is something a bit more specific. Like if I had a very special request to make concerning the show."
Jennica-"Well sir if you would like to plan a special event I can give you the rates and times that we have available."
SF-"Hmmm, well not exactly. See I am coming to Las Vegas over a weekend in March, and I am bringing along a friend of mine. This is his twenty-first birthday trip and a bunch of us are taking him out and showing him a great time."
J-"Will you be staying with us?"
SF-"Well no. We actually already have our rooms at another location, but the birthday boy's biggest request does concern Excalibur and the 'Tournament of Kings' show."
J-"Well we can provide some extra services, but the cost may be extra as well."
SF-"Money is not really a huge concern to me and my friends. We would be bringing in a large sum just with our presence. We are very powerful people. What does concern me is that my friends' greatest request will be met with some...trepidation."
J-"Uhh sir?"
SF-"It means anxiety. Cold feet, jitters, the heebie-jeebies..."
Jennica-*annoyed* "I know what it means sir, what is your request."
SF-"Well, you see I have to handle this with some tenuity because of my friends...uhh condition."
J-"Sir we can make just about any accommodation for our guests."
SF-"Oh I am sure you can, but this is a little strange. You see, my friend, let's call him PJ, he has Proteus syndrome."
J-"Uhh, what is that?"
SF-"Well, let me put it this way, he has 'Elephant-man disease'."
J-"Like the movie?"
SF-"Sure, like the movie. Either way, this condition means that he is forced to walk around covered up, and since PJ is a very tall man he can sometimes look a little strange. All bundled up in cloaks and capes and white masks and such. So, what he proposed to me was that, since we would be in Vegas, why not dress up in some sort of suit, so that people would just think he was part of a show. That way he could just have a good time and not worry about if people were staring at him. Does that make sense?"
J-"Of course, did you want to dress him up like knight or wizard? We do sell costumes in our gift shop..."
SF-"No no, nothing like that. He has already been provided with an outfit that he likes and feels that it will enable him to wander to all sorts of places without getting too much attention."
J-"Ok."
*5 second pause*
J-"Sir...?"
SF-"It's an ape suit."
J-"An ape suit?"
SF-"Yes. Both him and his friends feel that, while still attracting notice, it will be far less conspicuous for him to walk around dressed like an ape. It's better than being disguised in bandages and cloth like some sort of Sin City Mummy, right?"
J-"An ape suit? Your friend is going to walk around dressed in an ape suit?"
SF-"Yes, it was either that or the giant cow, and that one shows his mangled features soo..."
J-*muffled laughter* "Ok sir, I fail to see how we can help you here? Your friend is more than welcome to come to a show dressed as an ape. I can inform the security staff and we can make sure that everything is taken care of."
SF-"Well there is one other thing."
J-"Sir, is this some kind of joke? Am I on a radio show or something because if so I need to get back to work?"
SF-"Jen. May I call you Jen? Look Jen, me and my large group of friends are going to be spending a lot of money on this trip, hopefully most of it at Excalibur, I understand how this sounds but trust me, this is not a joke. If I was joking I would have called Medieval Times."
J-"It is just a little hard to believe..."
SF-"I know how it sounds, trust me, I am very serious."
J-*Sounds like she is having trouble breathing* "What else would you require?"
SF-"Well it has always been PJs dream to be a knight. So I was thinking that we could surprise him by letting him, oh I don't know, maybe meet some of the knights, swing a mace around, maybe a joust or something like that."
J-"A joust? I don't think so sir, we have some liability issues there when dealing with the fights."
SF-"Even if notarized paperwork is provided that will assure your legal safety? I can guarantee you I am not talking about having him duel your men to the death or anything, just a simple joust, one pass."
J-"Sir I am afraid that is just not possible. The possibility of..."
SF-"Might there be someone else I could speak too about this? I will pay whatever it takes. He is my best friend in the entire world and I want to see his dream come alive."
J-"If you call back tomorrow you can speak with the show director but I am telling you, there is no way he will ever allow something like this."
SF-"Can I get his number?"
J-"It's ***********. He should be available after 11:00am and I will let him know that you will be calling. I'm sorry sir, I missed your name."
SF-"Howard McDougal."
J-"Ok Mr. McDougal I will let him know. Is there anything else I can help you with?"
SF-"Answer me one question Jan."
J-"Sure"
SF-"Does the idea of a giant ape-man jousting a knight sound funny to you?"
J-*I think she dropped the phone here or something. There was a loud crack some fuzzy noise*
SF-"Jen?"
J-*muffled laughter* "Sir, I think the idea is kind of strange to be honest and I am still not sure if this is serious or not, but speak with the show director tomorrow and see what he has to say."
SF-"Thank you Jen, have a nice day."
J-"You too sir."
*click*
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The next day around 11:30am I called the number Jen had provided. It was picked up by a woman in his office. Her voice dripped sex-appeal but when I got to her boss, I was met with a voice straight out of a movie. Italian New Yorker-type. It was very unnerving because this was someone that might be able to order my death in a shady backroom via a large brute named 'Tug'. I was not swayed from my noble course.
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*Click*
Woman- "Nicky Santoro's office." *names changed*
Screamfeeder-"Hello, this is Howard McDougal calling for Mr. Santoro. He is expecting my call."
Woman-"One moment."
*Pause, quick ring and click*
Man-"Nick Santoro."
SF-"Hello Mr. Santoro, this is Howard McDougal. I spoke with someone yesterday concerning some things about your "Tournament of Kings" event. I was wondering if we might be able to work something out."
NS-"Who is this?"
SF-"Howard McDougal, I spoke with Jennica yesterday about my friend and us coming to Excalibur. The special requests?"
*I was nervous as all hell at this point and hoping my voice didn't crack*
NS-"Uh huh. Something about your friends medical condition right? As I am sure she told you, we can make just about any accommodation for our guests."
SF-"Well...uhhh...there was the other thing as well. I am not sure how much she told you."
NS-"That was it."
*Fuck. I was hoping at this point he might have had time for the shock value to subside.*
SF-"Well sir, in the interest of not wasting your time, I will get to the gist of it. My friend PJ has Proteus syndrome. The same thing that the...uhh...Elephant man had."
NS-"Oh right right. She did mention the monkeysuit."
SF-"Well actually it's an apesuit..."
*DUMBASS. My sarcasm gets me in more trouble than anything else*
NS-"mmmhmm"
SF-"Uhhh, either way, PJ has a thing for Knights. Not a "thing", but you know, he uhhh, thinks they are cool. So we were wondering if he might be able to..."
NS-"Are you serious son?"
SF-"Well, yes I am. Very serious in fact. He wants to know if he can maybe hang out with the knights. See with his condition and all he has always been picked on and beaten up. He wants to hang out with some guys that have...you know...honor."
NS-"You know they are actors right? Those aren't real knights."
SF-"Oh I am very much aware of that. PJ is too. He is a sharp guy. He just wants too, how can I put this, live the dream...so to speak."
NS-"Well I think we could manage him to come backstage to the prep room and meet some of the guys. I take it he will be wearing the monkeysuit?"
*At this point I sensed a change in Mr. Santoro. His voiced lightened up and I even heard him chuckle a little*
SF-"Yes sir that is correct. But if you think that would be too much of a distraction, we could always you know, give him some armor or something over the apesuit. So he blends in.
NS-"Wait, dress up in armor? All of our outfits are custom tailored and are..."
*His voice actually made my kneecaps hurt*
SF-"Well sir I did some research and it looks like one of your knights, Sir Franklin Roosevelt is about the same size as my friend. They are both very tall, although Roosevelt is a bit more... brawny. I am sure that we could work something out. Maybe a small duel between the..."
NS-"No. Absolutely not. This is ridiculous. First you want to bring your friend here in a monkeysuit, now you want him dueling our Knights? This is absurd."
SF-"Mr. Santoro, let me be honest. My friend has been in a lot of pain his entire life. He may not live past 25. I am going to be coming to your casino with about 20 people that are going to be spending a lot of money. We have tried just about every other avenue to help him make his dream come true. We even went to Medieval Times. You know what they told us at Medieval Times Mr. Santoro?"
NS-"You sound insane.."
SF-"They told us no. This is Medieval Times we are talking about here. The lowest common denominator of feudal era replication. We figured that if were going to help out PJ, we should go to the top and stop playing softball. So what else is there in the way of heroic Dark Age entertainment?"
NS-"Am I on the air or something...?"
SF-"Excalibur, that's what! We thought that maybe at Excalibur we would find decent people willing to make a freakishly grotesque young mans dream come true. And now you are telling me no?"
NS-"Look, if your friend is in such pain, I do not think that sitting him on a horse and having a lance thrust at him is such a good idea."
SF-"Is that it Mr. Santoro? Or are you afraid that maybe...just maybe...he might win?"
NS-"What? What are you talking about? You're craz..."
SF-"Mr. Santoro, are you a man of honor?"
NS-"This is bullshit..."
SF-"PJ will fight for his honor in combat. Would you?"
NS-*laughing* "Will you send me a recording of this when you are done? I haven't laughed this hard in a while."
SF-"This is not funny. PJ is going to fight your army. And he is going to win."
NS-*Laughter ends abruptly* "Son, if I get word that there is a man in a monkeysuit anywhere near this Casino, I will have you and the monkey arrested."
SF-"I am willing to be jailed for my mutant friend Mr. Santoro."
NS-"I bet you would, you sound like the type that spends a lot of time in jail."
SF-"Verbal threats against me will do neither you nor your evil band any good. It is too late for that."
NS-"I am through here. If your friend wants to meet any of the show cast, he can come stand in line like everyone else, without the monke..."
SF-"Apesuit."
*click*
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COMING UP NEXT!!!-I get called a terrorist by the MGM Grand! Also, Treasure Island says pirates have never sailed with an ape before and call me a loon for thinking otherwise.
User Reviews
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2006-01-24 18:04:40 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Ape suit
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2005-10-19 03:45:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
There are a solid four pages of +2 streaks with 30 or more reviews. That is stupid. I am weeding it all out by giving every one of them a +1; that way posts that have 1.99 with 200+ reviews gets best ever.
Submitted by Whiplash (user info) at 2005-09-25 22:00:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha
Submitted by pharmgirl147 (user info) at 2005-09-25 21:48:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This made me laugh too hard :D it was great.
Submitted by ChronicMasturbator (user info) at 2005-09-25 21:35:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by UrbaneMischief (user info) at 2005-03-01 15:41:07 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
how did i miss this!?!?!!
Submitted by Holz (user info) at 2005-02-16 14:50:32 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by ilovepoopers (user info) at 2005-02-14 02:42:09 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
No Comment
Submitted by Saxon (user info) at 2005-02-09 23:18:31 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Im not sure i could keep a straight face doing this kind of thing but it is dang funny.
Submitted by Adamdidit2u (user info) at 2005-02-04 09:17:39 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
These are awesome
Submitted by Durae (user info) at 2005-02-03 21:45:21 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Is this going to be an uber version of Crank Yankers or something?
Submitted by insanedoc (user info) at 2005-02-03 19:42:32 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Wicked-awesome!
Submitted by Davros (user info) at 2005-02-03 18:19:14 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Kre8rix (user info) at 2005-02-02 21:39:58 (#)
Ranking: 2
This was awesome.
Submitted by Yes (user info) at 2005-02-03 15:03:17 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
awesome.
(starting to think about roaming the strip in an mon- apesuit.)
Submitted by polyamorousaj (user info) at 2005-02-03 12:53:32 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I can't wait...
Submitted by GodLovesALittleLovin (user info) at 2005-02-03 12:47:01 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
apesuit motherfucker. Godamn they never get it right do they? Monkeys are IDIOTS compared to apes man.
Submitted by munkeypants (user info) at 2005-02-03 11:50:38 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
aaaahahahahahahahaha
OGODMYSTOMACHEHURTS
Submitted by Smurfs (user info) at 2005-02-03 11:23:27 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I was hoping this was true
Submitted by WhatTheHell (user info) at 2005-02-03 09:48:57 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Damn funny son!
Submitted by indoninja (user info) at 2005-02-03 09:40:10 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Monkeys
Submitted by Donitsu2002 (user info) at 2005-02-03 09:32:03 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Oh god, i haven't laughed so hard in who knows how long
Submitted by Awko (user info) at 2005-02-03 09:24:39 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by GodChicken (user info) at 2005-02-03 09:23:17 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
no words.
Submitted by Method (user info) at 2005-02-03 09:18:49 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
hahahahah i love you man
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2005-02-03 09:07:26 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
gold. pure gold.
Submitted by comicbookguy (user info) at 2005-02-03 08:51:36 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Kazzerax (user info) at 2005-02-03 07:49:48 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
DEGREELESS YOU FUCKER! YOU RUINED HIS STREAK!
Submitted by DeathJester (user info) at 2005-02-03 07:43:12 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Fan-fapping-tastic.
Submitted by CJRipley (user info) at 2005-02-03 06:43:24 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by JMG114 (user info) at 2005-02-03 00:38:24 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
You're a maniac. I like that in a woman.
What?
Submitted by Joemama (user info) at 2005-02-03 00:37:07 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
I'll take your word for it...
But how do you know how much
your room costs? Comp always?
Submitted by Degreeless_Capibara (user info) at 2005-02-03 00:21:01 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
I can't believe I read that whole thing.
Submitted by JohnGalt (user info) at 2005-02-03 00:03:56 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Oh man...I still can't breathe.
Submitted by TimeCop (user info) at 2005-02-02 23:27:56 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Pure comedy. I love messing with people over the phone.
Submitted by ScottMaximus (user info) at 2005-02-02 22:53:47 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
good shit
Submitted by seanfogy (user info) at 2005-02-02 22:53:01 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by corn_nugget (user info) at 2005-02-02 21:04:27 (#)
Ranking: 2
haha
You did this, didn't you?
You did.
Your friend sounds like a real tool.
BAAAH it is true. AJ is a tool.
Submitted by Genko (user info) at 2005-02-02 22:19:07 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I laughed.
Submitted by corn_nugget (user info) at 2005-02-02 21:55:31 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by polyamorousaj (user info) at 2005-02-02 21:49:37 (#)
Ranking: 2
^^ PJ.
****
Thank you Captian Obvious.
Submitted by polyamorousaj (user info) at 2005-02-02 21:49:37 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
^^ PJ.
Submitted by Kre8rix (user info) at 2005-02-02 21:39:58 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
This was awesome.
Submitted by bush_for_god (user info) at 2005-02-02 21:27:48 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by CookieLass (user info) at 2005-02-02 21:22:08 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I love you.
Submitted by screamfeeder (user info) at 2005-02-02 21:19:34 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
JoeMama.
Obviously you have never delt with vegas types before.
You do not actually talk about the physical bling.
You creat an atmosphere that eludes to you have all of the bling.
Pfft, they would eat you alive son.
Submitted by Jarvis (user info) at 2005-02-02 21:16:17 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
XXX CLICK HERE FOR HOT APESUIT BUTT SEX XXX
Submitted by Joemama (user info) at 2005-02-02 21:16:11 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Good start. To enhance your credibility
include $..either as an offer for services
to be rendered, or in the form of a question,
as in: How much to make this happen for my friend?
It is Vegas! I'd like to know what "figure" comes up!
Submitted by FunnyAsCancer (user info) at 2005-02-02 21:09:25 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
You sound like you've got some Proteus in your crotch, 'cause damn, would it take some balls to do this.
Submitted by darko (user info) at 2005-02-02 21:06:12 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 for groundhog day!
Submitted by corn_nugget (user info) at 2005-02-02 21:04:27 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
haha
You did this, didn't you?
You did.
Your friend sounds like a real tool.
Submitted by Circe (user info) at 2005-02-02 20:55:56 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
That was fucking hilarious.