Don't Hate Us Just Because We're Fun Size And Aren't Very Fun (904 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1.89 on 20 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by NerfHerder <NerfHerder.at.comic.com> (View user info) at 2005-02-03 10:16:00 EST
"Ooooooh, assorted chocolates. That would be good to put in our candy dish, wouldn't you think?"
A cheer erupted from inside the bag as our barcode was scanned and currency was exchanged. We were bagged and then transported to our new home by way of late model minivan. The inside of the minivan was rather hot, and some of my comrades believed themselves to be melting. But they held together until we reached the sweet, sweet air conditioning of the Williams family stead.
We were dumped into the ample candy dish, one after the other. Each one landing on top of the other layer, which emitted a low groan every time another layer was packed on top. After all of the miniatures were unloaded from their transport bag, it was discarded, leaving the chocolates to fend for themselves.
Eyes shifted around, taking in our new surroundings. The candy dish was glass, allowing convenient viewing for those both inside and outside of the dish. Around the top was a plain gold band, signifying that these people truly cared about their candy.
But we didn't really care about them. We didn't need the Williams. We had each other. Back when we were imprisoned in the supermarket, we had constantly melted together to solve problems and eventually escape from that awful place of price guns and bright lights.
But now that we were in the soft lighting environment of the Williams abode, things were different. Chocolates that had once been my good friends would not even speak to me in the dish. Chocolates that hadn't spoke to me before would now issue me death threats daily. And chocolates that issued me death threats before were...well...still issuing death threats.
We were all one little dysfunctional candy dish...until one fateful February day. One of us disappeared. It was a Mr. Goodbar from the topmost level. Nobody knew how or when Mr. Goodbar had disappeared, but when we spied his crinkled wrapper just outside of the dish, we knew that he wouldn't be back.
Some of the younger chocolates were mortified by the scene and attempted to shift to the other side of the dish so they wouldn't have to look at that awful sight.
Luckily, a few of the others didn't matter being so close...TO A MURDER.
However, it was the very same chocolates who started the revolution. One day, while the Mr. Goodbar wrapper was still in plain sight, out of nowhere, one of my fellow dark chocolates said,
"Well, at least he didn't really count. Nobody likes the Mr. Goodbars."
Immediately, all other eyes attempted to match his. The dark chocolate knew that he had said something wrong, and attempted to make up for it.
"I mean, I'm sure he was a good guy and all...but I mean...it's not like...and we're still all..."
"Goddammit," said one of the many Krackel bars in the dish. "it's just like your kind to say something like that. I mean, whenever some gang member gets shot, you're boo hooing for a week. But when some Mr. Goodbar takes one for the team, you're just like this. You make me sick."
A milk chocolate bar entered the fray.
"Guys," he said, "no chocolate is different from the other. Just calm down. Mr. Goodbar was a good...bar...?"
"Oh that is sooooo forced," said another one of the Mr. Goodbars. "leave it to the perfect chocolate that everyone likes to come up with a politically correct intervention."
"Shut up Goodbar. Why don't you keep your opinions to yourself for once? Other people have problems too, you know," I said. "My people have been suffering by the hand of the human for centuries. Dark chocolate is passed over time and time again for countless jobs that we would excel over all other applicants. But we are denied, solely based on our race."
"I don't care if you're black," said the milk chocolate, "but you are a racist, you bastard. And if you can be racist, so can I. Get the hell away from me, you darkie. You're the reason there's too much violence in this dish. And you're the reason that nobody picks the ziggers," I said as I pointed to each of the other chocolates that I shared this dish with. "That's right...I used the z word and there's nothing you can do about it. We're allowed to use it."
I vowed then and there that someday I would prove the value of my people.
--
Ding-Dong. Our first experience with the doorbell, the entire population of the dish shifted around and quivered. The Williams approached the front door and opened it, revealing more humans.
"Jane! Jim! How are you? Do you want something to drink? Kool-Aid? Wine?"
"No thanks."
"Some chocolates, then? They're fresh!"
"Ooooh, what have you got?"
"Well we've got a little bit of everything. Krackel...regular....dark chocolate...."
"Got any Mr. Goodbar?"
"Let me check," said Mrs. Williams as her hand perilously wavered above the dish, fingers curling upward and backward for seconds, each finger in a different position.
Then all at once, without warning, her hand dove to the bottom of the dish, submerging half of her forearm in chocolate. Her fingers made nearly the same motion at the bottom of the dish, as if each of her fingers had sensors on it that could tell which miniature chocolate had crispy rice and which did not.
That feat is impossible of course, but Mrs. Williams attempted it all the same. She rooted around and picked a random chocolate, and pulled it out. Milk Chocolate.
"Aw nuts. It looks like we might be out of Mr. Goodbar. How bout a regular milk chocolate," asked Mrs. Williams.
"See, the problem with that is that you have a glass dish. I can see that there are several yellow Mr. Goodbars in there," retorted Jim, who was correct. In front of my eyes alone there was a cluster of three Mr. Goodbars who were shaking in their wrappers.
"No no..." countered Mrs. Williams. "the yellow ones aren't Mr. Goodbars. Those are krackel."
"Mrs. Williams, I think I know what my favorite miniature chocolate looks like. Now, may I please have a Mr. Goodbar?"
Mrs. Williams looked like a badger trapped in a corner with a mushroom and a snake. So she did the only thing she could. Mrs. Williams lunged towards the candy bowl and took on the persona of a sloppy sniper. She grasped Mr. Goodbar after Mr. Goodbar and shoved them into her mouth, wrapper included.
The wrath in the Jim's eyes grew and grew. The entire bowl shuddered with the realization that a war had been declared on our turf for no reason. Jim lunged for the bowl, attempting to grab any yellow wrapper before his opponent. Eventually, all semblance of rational thought or choice had vanished.
All of the Mr. Goodbars were gone, but they just kept eating and shoving and shoving and eating. Soon they were shoveling whole handfuls of miniature chocolates into their mouth. The layer above me disappeared in the midst of four hands grabbing for any little piece they could get.
And for what?
Just so they could have a silly little feud that they could laugh about over tea later? Why did we, the little guy, always have to suffer?
I was scooped up in Mrs. Williams hand and shoveled towards her mandibles. I saw her masticating my friends who I had shared the dish with just seconds ago. They screamed at me, asking for me to save them. But what could I do? I was swooped to the back of the mouth, where I thought I could be safe.
This was my chance. From here, I would be able to set up a command outpost, from where all other attacks could commence from. Mrs. Williams would never know what hit her. We could recruit anything else that she wolfs down, too. Multivitamins, banana chunks...finally, different foods working together for the common...oh shit.
Then I saw the giant molar descend upon me and tear apart my delicious self. I could only hope that the lesson of my dark chocolate mixing with the milk chocolate taught him that my people were just as good as his, even if they did taste better and cost less.
User Reviews
Submitted by LadyPlural (user info) at 2005-02-04 07:55:31 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
You left too many plot points just hanging, but it was a good story nonetheless, so have a +2.
Submitted by GodLovesALittleLovin (user info) at 2005-02-04 01:27:40 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Oh nerf, you and your crazy-ass perspectives on life.
Submitted by stardamage (user info) at 2005-02-03 23:04:51 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
This was awesome. For some reason it reminded me of Spirited Away when the parents are eating at the counter and turn into pigs.
I don't know why. +2.
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2005-02-03 15:31:11 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
DEATH TO CHOCOLATE!
Submitted by CookieLass (user info) at 2005-02-03 15:04:48 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"Mrs. Williams looked like a badger trapped in a corner with a mushroom and a snake.:
badger badger badger badger badger badger badger badger badger badger badger MUSHROOM MUSHROOM!!! badger badger badger badger badger badger badger badger badger badger badger MUSHROOM MUSHROOM!!!
SNAAAAAKE A SNAAAAKE! OH NOOOOO IT'S A SNAAAAAAKE!
*ahem* sorry. Carry on.
Submitted by lucid (user info) at 2005-02-03 12:53:10 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by interchange (user info) at 2005-02-03 12:35:24 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Dark chocolates are the best, damnit.
Submitted by munkeypants (user info) at 2005-02-03 11:54:53 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
If I eat you would I be able to write like this?
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2005-02-03 11:07:24 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
a fine example of creative writing
Submitted by Nvtro (user info) at 2005-02-03 11:03:15 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
I may never eat another Mr. Goodbar again.
Submitted by Fleadh (user info) at 2005-02-03 10:54:01 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Kickass
Submitted by freebie (user info) at 2005-02-03 10:50:08 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
This is exactly what I would have written if I was any good at it.
Submitted by TigerLilly (user info) at 2005-02-03 10:48:29 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Creative. Great job!
Submitted by cheruboo (user info) at 2005-02-03 10:40:02 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by NerfHerder (user info) at 2005-02-03 10:35:12 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Wooo lobesex!
Just don't hit my hippocampus and spill my bladder unless you're ready for it.
Submitted by comicbookguy (user info) at 2005-02-03 10:31:43 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Pardon me for sounding too forward, but may I have sex with your brain?
Submitted by HZRD (user info) at 2005-02-03 10:24:53 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"no chocolate is different from the other. Just calm down. Mr. Goodbar was a good...bar...?"
Excellent - the world needs more puns.
Submitted by DonkeyOnTheEdge (user info) at 2005-02-03 10:24:25 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Penis room.
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2005-02-03 10:22:03 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Must....buy....chocolate...
Submitted by Pentameter (user info) at 2005-02-03 10:19:19 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Hahahaha...brilliant.
So creative.