Cats. The Weaker Pets. How To Control Them (877 hits)
Category: HumorRating: 1.69 on 16 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by bossk <emangevine.at.yahoo.com> (View user info) at 2005-02-03 10:18:54 EST
http://www.ubersite.com/m/58073
There's no reason for a man to be pussy whipped. Even if she takes more tongue-baths then you, even if you
are a stay at home dad or if you have a tiny dick, no man should be pussy whipped. Therer's only
one thing worse then a man who is pussy whipped and that is the man that lied about being pussy
whipped.
Me? I'm da man. I make all the desicions and I take control of each and every situation. I can't
stand when a man asks a cat "Can I?"
Friday night, watching DVDs with the boys. A friend who is obviouslly pussy whipped asks to host.
Without trying to embarrass him, I ask "Are you sure? We're staying up late.", he agrees so we come over. Not more then 2 hours into the night, his Persian starts to howl. I can hear the bitch
yell and complain over by the litter box, she wants him to come shovel it. "Hun, in a little bit, I'm making guacamole" and I can hear her say that she doesn't want him to hang out with us any more. He ignores her. We're getting ready to throw in 'The Wrath of Kahn'. He asks if we still want to see the movie, duh, of course
we want to see the movie. The cat squawks 10 minutes later, he talks to her and starts watching the movie again.
This happens 3 or 4 times until I can't take it any more.
Cat walks in, I pick it up.
Me: What?!?
Captain Whiskers: Meow?
Me: Are the kittens OK?
Captain Whiskers: Meowwwrrrr?
Me: Is anyone trying to break into the house?
Mr. Whiskers: Mreowwwwwrrr!!
Me: Squawk one more fucking time and tell him to come clean the litter box and I'm taking him to Vegas. Do you hear me? Unless the fucking house is on fire, unless the kittens have a hairball, unless you're getting raped by a calico, call one more, JUST ONE MORE TIME! And I swear on my Siamese that I'll take your fucking owner to Vegas and we're not coming home until Monday! Got it?
Mr. Whiskers: Mroo?
Me: He's in the fucking car with 6 other men and you are treating him like a little fucking kid.
I want this shit stopped now. Gahed, call once more. Watch what I do.
Mr. Whiskers: Purrrrrrrrr.
Me: Call back. C'mon. Call once more.
The rest of the night went perfectly without a whimper. Just to be a dick I made sure the night
lasted until 4:30 after we watched 'Generations'. David was asleep on the couch, and the cat had pissed on the leg of his piano.
Sometimes a man has got to take a stand. It's one thing to be pussy whipped at home, alone, but to be
disrespected when you're watchin' Star Trek is complete different subject. You've got to keep your bitch in line.
There's one thing I've noticed. The men who treat their felines like queens, the men who adhore and
do everything for their cats and are cutesy fools are the ones who are pussy whipped. The men
that treat their kitties like shit with the occasional pimp slap now and then, the men who treat
their felines like a hundred dollar hoe, get more respect, more rubbins and more everything from their
felines. From what I've seen, felines like to be mistreated a lil bit. Felines like to be treated like
a hoe now and then. Dare I say it? Fuck it, felines even like to be smacked around now and then.
Ever see a somewhat abused cat? I'm not talking about a black & blue or bruised up cat. I'm
talking about a sexy felines who deserves more then what she has. A cat who everyone talks about.
A cat who leaves truck load after truck load of shit in her litter box, yet she stays with him.
Why does she stay? Because felines like a little mistreatment, a lil slap, a lil "shut da fuck up
and get my catnip-filled squeaky plastic mouse, bitch".
Now, ever see a lucky cat? One where her owner does everything for her. Maybe he's not wealthy,
but he does EVERYTHING for her. He's generous, he cleans the litter box, he waves around that feather on the end of a stick, he does the shit that
makes normal cat owners want to vomit. AND THE CAT COMPLAINS ON HIM! She even gets food from another family!
She even considers leaving him! Why? Deep down, she wants to be mistreated. Kitty-slapped. Rough
play. Abused a lil bit.
Never ask your cat. TELL YOUR CAT.
When you tell her, do it with confidence. Smooth, no um... ah... well..... see... smoooooth.
Don't give her time to think about it. if she disagrees, squirt her with the spray bottle.
Treat your cat like a Princess, she'll want you to treat her like a Queen.
Trear your cat like a Queen, she'll want you to treat her like a King.
Treat your cat like a King, she'll walk all over you and you're doomed to a pathetic miserable life.
Treat your cat like a hoe, she'll respect you like a Pimp.
That's where cat owners are fuckt up today. They try to convince everyone else that they're a playa or a
pimp. You need to convince your cat that you are a pimp. You need to DICK-MOTIZE your cat
into thinking you are the man. She'll never do better then you and never come close to getting
anything remotely as good. DICK-MOTIZE your cat and convince her you are the pimp daddy of the
universe. Fuck what everyone else thinks. Once your cat is DICK-MOTIZED your life is 100
times easier.
You don't have to have a huge cock to DICK-MOTIZE your cat. Mistreat her during playtime. Felines don't
want to be loved and scratched behind the ear. They want to be petted like a $20 shelter cat. Sure, to get her
in the mood you have to be all romantic and sensual and etc. But once she's ready, pet her like
she's an alley cat you'll never see again. Pet her like she's got 500 alley cat friends who'll tell every
single one of them how good you pet and fed her. Then you'll get your Pimp respect.
She'll never admit it, but she wants a lil abuse. Not physical abuse, the occasional back hand to
keep her in line. But the mental and emotional abuse. If you do the emotional and mental abuse
right, she'll be more attached to you and will do prety much whatever you say.
Fade out to "Battle In the Mutara Nebula" By James Horner, Star Trek II Soundtrack, instrumental version.
User Reviews
Submitted by icarus1987 (user info) at 2005-02-04 13:28:44 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Wonderful. Brought tears to my eyes. Glad you link-whored this baby.
Submitted by HellHound (user info) at 2005-02-03 19:16:51 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
It made me nearly spit Sprite all over my keyboard.
Submitted by bossk (user info) at 2005-02-03 16:27:32 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Adamdidit2u (user info) at 2005-02-03 11:13:39 (#)
Ranking: 2
One of the best Parody's EVAR!
-----------------------
I am extremely flattered, but in my opinion this http://www.ubersite.com/m/54609 is the best parody EVAR. Which inspired me to attempt mine.
Submitted by Holz (user info) at 2005-02-03 15:30:32 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
I definately have to slap my cat around a bit to keep him in line or that bitch will meow all
night.
Submitted by bossk (user info) at 2005-02-03 13:34:18 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Grin (user info) at 2005-02-03 12:59:52 (#)
Ranking: 0
I LIKE cats. In fact, I have one.
------------------------
So do I. You have to read the serious post that inspired it (link at top) for it to make sense.
Submitted by indoninja (user info) at 2005-02-03 13:04:42 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
It was a little too late for the plus two, but still funny.
Submitted by Grin (user info) at 2005-02-03 12:59:52 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
I LIKE cats. In fact, I have one.
Submitted by xenon (user info) at 2005-02-03 12:14:27 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
better than the original
Submitted by Teephphah (user info) at 2005-02-03 12:13:26 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
You all can hate me for saying this if you want, but truer words have never been written.
This shit is 100% accurate.
Submitted by Loren1 (user info) at 2005-02-03 11:50:54 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
what the hell man, if they're meowing at you, more better you change that cat litter...
Submitted by Adamdidit2u (user info) at 2005-02-03 11:13:39 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
One of the best Parody's EVAR!
Submitted by The_Grammar_Nazi (user info) at 2005-02-03 10:34:35 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 because i hate cats. They always look at me like they wanna eat me. Devious bastards...
Submitted by thorpe (user info) at 2005-02-03 10:31:51 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
As much as I hate to admit it, I had this big goofy looking smile over my face when I read this. I think I'm just really tired, it's 1:30 AM where I am.
Submitted by RyuFu (user info) at 2005-02-03 10:29:04 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 because cats are the worst fucking pet compared to the awesome that is dogs.
Submitted by Pirateboy (user info) at 2005-02-03 10:21:51 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Disgusting.
Submitted by Hadooken (user info) at 2005-02-03 10:19:40 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
cats taste good if you deep fry them and dip them in sweet and sour sauce.