Crimes Against Humanity - Volume 1: The Fanny Pack (1390 hits)
Category: HumorRating: 1.92 on 18 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by bossk <emangevine.at.yahoo.com> (View user info) at 2005-02-04 15:30:38 EST
One thing you must always ask yourself before donning any item of clothing. WWJLD? Or, What Would Jet Li Do? If he wouldn't wear it, neither should you.
The fanny pack seemed like a good idea on the surface. "I'm going to be walking around Miami all day, and I don't want all of this junk in my pockets getting stolen". Solution: I'll put everything into this zippered pouch, then belt it around my waist so it's completely secure! Genius! When I need stuff, I can just sling it around from the back to the front! I am da man!
Unfortunately, the fanny pack in practice was more unsightly than its creator could have ever anticipated. Fat tourists were barely able to snap the web belt around their torsos even at the longest setting, resulting in tumor-like vinyl packs riding high on a shelf of jiggling ass-cheese. It's no better when worn in front, either. Even Albert Einstein would look like a moron digging around for a nickel stored in his crotchal region. It simply shouldn't be done.
The fanny pack was at peak popularity in the 90's, before right-thinking people everywhere began to take a long look at the social ramifications of storing personal property in a bag that looks like a herniated goiter. Even so, there are several social groups that still embrace the fanny pack, all of them equally reprehensible:
1. Germans - The nation that produces the finest beer, beautiful automobiles, and beautiful blue-eyed, blonde women also has some of the worst taste in clothing ever known. Perhaps it's some kind of karmic repayment for that whole "master-race" thing.
2. Medieval Re-enactors* - Otherwise known as Renaissance Fair Dorks. Sir Humphrey of Forest Lakes will wear his fanny pack slung low and in the frontal position, and will refer to it as his "codpiece". Don't be fooled, it's a fucking fanny pack, and he's a cashier at Barnes & Noble.
3. Hippies - Yes, Moonbeam, you CAN put your weed in there, but it's the first place Jay Peg is going to look when you show up at Red Rocks for the Phish concert. http://www.ubersite.com/m/56654.
4. Carol Richards - It's the perfect size and shape for tampons.
In this day and age, there is no excuse for a mentally stable human being to wear a fanny pack. Recent history has shown, however, that nostalgia brings every clothing trend back around for a whole new generation of idiots, so we can probably expect the return of the fanny pack somewhere around 2025. Those who do not learn from history are doomed to repeat it. Don't say I didn't warn you.
P. S. Some companies that cater to law-enforcement have introduced a fanny-pack for semi-automatic pistols. This is a definitive exception to the general rule.
User Reviews
Submitted by bossk (user info) at 2005-02-09 13:14:16 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by indoninja (user info) at 2005-02-09 11:31:28 (#)
Ranking: 2
This guy I knew who ran a martial arts school would always wear a fanny pack. I think it was so he could kick the shit out of people who made fun of them. I still laugh at people who wera fanny packs, but not where they can hear me.
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Yeah, it's getting so you can't make fun of anybody out loud lest they place a cap in your posterior these days. I miss the good old days.
Submitted by indoninja (user info) at 2005-02-09 11:31:28 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
This guy I knew who ran a martial arts school would always wear a fanny pack. I think it was so he could kick the shit out of people who made fun of them. I still laugh at people who wera fanny packs, but not where they can hear me.
Submitted by thecaes (user info) at 2005-02-08 22:31:20 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
resulting in tumor-like vinyl packs riding high on a shelf of jiggling ass-cheese.
+2 for that line right there.
Submitted by bossk (user info) at 2005-02-08 13:33:04 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
No it's not. If you see some dude walking around with a military haircut and his polo shirt tucked into his jeans wearing a fanny pack, you know it's a fucking cop. Actually, if you see anyone that doesn't have a mullet or a beer gut wearing one, it's a good bet it's a cop. Either way, at that point, you're not fooling anyone so just wear a damn hip holster.
Fuckin' rookies.
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Yeah, the cop may be a dork, but I'm not laughin' at him if he's got a Glock in his fanny pack. Everyone else on the list is fair game.
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2005-02-07 09:06:40 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
A HA HA HHAHA A HA!
*hee!*
Fanny packs rool!
Submitted by creep_firebombing (user info) at 2005-02-04 23:30:31 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
P. S. Some companies that cater to law-enforcement have introduced a fanny-pack for semi-automatic pistols. This is a definitive exception to the general rule.
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No it's not. If you see some dude walking around with a military haircut and his polo shirt tucked into his jeans wearing a fanny pack, you know it's a fucking cop. Actually, if you see anyone that doesn't have a mullet or a beer gut wearing one, it's a good bet it's a cop. Either way, at that point, you're not fooling anyone so just wear a damn hip holster.
Fuckin' rookies.
Submitted by bossk (user info) at 2005-02-04 20:25:07 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Degreeless_Capibara (user info) at 2005-02-04 19:11:48 (#)
Ranking: 0
Third streak.
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I assume this means it was just schlaverage?
Submitted by Degreeless_Capibara (user info) at 2005-02-04 19:11:48 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Third streak.
Submitted by Rawrg (user info) at 2005-02-04 18:54:15 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Good balance of writing style, humor and length. Enjoyably +2.
Submitted by d_prime (user info) at 2005-02-04 17:24:43 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm sickend.
Submitted by bossk (user info) at 2005-02-04 17:18:13 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by c1ndy (user info) at 2005-02-04 15:34:58 (#)
Ranking: 2
see in the uk it's called a bum bag.
you call a slapper a tramp, a tramp a bum, a bum a fanny and a fanny a pussy.
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I imagine this has made for some hilarious misunderstandings down through the years.
Submitted by EbolaMay (user info) at 2005-02-04 16:11:09 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Yep.
Submitted by Jack_McCallum (user info) at 2005-02-04 16:03:47 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
1. Germans - The nation that produces the finest beer, beautiful automobiles, and beautiful blue-eyed, blonde women also has some of the worst taste in clothing ever known.
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+2 for speaking the truth.
Submitted by FATMANTPK (user info) at 2005-02-04 15:53:54 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I guess when you are that fat, there is no room in your pockets. They made extensions for the belts so fat people could wear fanny packs. A guy i worked with last year had one. How fat was he? Pretty damn big. But he loved our potlucks - http://www.ubersite.com/m/21071
Submitted by The_Wizard (user info) at 2005-02-04 15:50:20 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Auto Carol plug +2
Submitted by TheSpook (user info) at 2005-02-04 15:45:11 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
The fanny pack was definitely ghey.
Submitted by c1ndy (user info) at 2005-02-04 15:34:58 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
see in the uk it's called a bum bag.
you call a slapper a tramp, a tramp a bum, a bum a fanny and a fanny a pussy.
Submitted by xenon (user info) at 2005-02-04 15:34:33 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
enjoyed it