Fired (1548 hits)
Category: NoneLabels: Fired
Rating: 1.83 on 41 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Mr. Cancer <funnyascancer.at.gmail.com> (View user info) at 2005-02-04 22:21:03 EST
It was late one Friday afternoon when the memo began showing up on computer screens around the office building.
In one particular cubicle, Michael Rutherford was getting ready to pack up and go home, a long and utterly unproductive work week finally over. He had just put on his jacket and was about to put his computer on standby for the weekend, when a cheerful synthesized voice proclaimed a new e-mail.
Sighing, he took off his jacket, and sat back down at his workstation. Perhaps he might not be going home as early as he had thought.
Upon opening his inbox, he was surprised to see the last-minute message was from Willard Thompkins, the eccentric CEO of the upstart software company where Michael was employed.
Not only was Michael puzzled to see such a direct link from the CEO to a lowly peon like himself, he was also perplexed at the sudden reappearance of the reclusive billionaire.
After leasing the 30-story building that Michael now worked in, Thompkins hired a couple executive managers to finish the rest of the hiring process, then retired to God Knows Where to let the company start up, backed by his investment. He hadn't been seen for several months, and as far as Michael knew, this was the first time he'd even given a direct order since the company began.
Confusion aside, Michael clicked on the new message, displaying the following text:
"To: All Employees
From: Willard Thompkins
Subj: My Retirement
It was three years ago this Monday that I founded this company, giving it the necessary life to become the successful young business it is today. At the time, it seemed like a brilliant idea, a profitable idea, an idea that would prove to be very beneficial for me if only I poured in a couple dollars and hours. Several years and a couple billion dollars' worth of stock options later, I'd say my instincts proved me right.
But now that I have the return investment, I really see no reason to continue with this sham. I know nothing of technology; it confuses me, and seems more like a hassle than a blessing. And so I've decided to retire from the rat race, and go live a simple life, perhaps on a tropical island purchased with the money you faithful employees have earned for me.
This leaves the question of what to do with the company. Should I simply quit, and let you figure it out amongst yourselves? Should I fire you all, and simply shut down the business? Or should I just sell it to the Japanese? They've already put in an offer that's quite tempting, but I have a better idea. It's actually based on all three ideas, so I think you'll get a kick out of it.
Effective immediately, all employee positions are terminated. Marketing, engineering, security, the whole lot of you. You are to leave all company property on the premises, and leave without a fuss. Should the need arise, I have the police on standby. Anyone attempting to remain behind will be arrested and thrown into prison for trespassing.
But that's not to say your future at this company is entirely over. For you see, this is where it gets interesting. Any employee who wishes to return to this building on Monday shall be presented with the challenge of a little contest of mine. The wager? Well, there will be a piloted helicopter awaiting on the roof of the building. Inside that helicopter will be one billion dollars, the prize for whomever reaches the top first.
Of course, there will be some rules. They're really not that hard to understand, so I'll just list them here.
-Doors open at 8am. Anyone may enter the building after that time, but not before.
-Cheating is encouraged. Use whatever means necessary to beat your fellow employees to the top. And I do mean any means, including weaponry. Guns, knives, baseball bats, your wits...whatever you feel comfortable with. The building will be under martial law for as long as the police remain clueless. And considering the donation I just contributed to the policemen's ball, I have a feeling you all should have a good hour-long head start.
-There will be moderators. And by moderators, I guess I should say armed guards, whose only objective is to stop any and all contestants from reaching the top. They are trained to kill. Oh, and I guess I should mention that they are all ex-members of the Japanese military, so they also extremely trained in the art of hand-to-hand combat. I wouldn't want it to be too easy for you, now would I?
Other than that, anything goes, and I wish anyone hoping to participate good luck. Make this interesting for me. I'll be watching.
Willard Thompkins, CEO"
Michael had grabbed his coat and was out the door before his swivel chair stopped spinning. He had to go out and buy a gun.
~~~
On the 30th floor, a man looked out his window at the scurrying employees in the parking lot, and laughed.
User Reviews
Submitted by jojojojoan (user info) at 2006-04-20 03:25:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Wildman (user info) at 2006-03-19 03:38:16 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
How did I miss this series for so long?
---
And iddqd, you are a continually and consistant bad judge of what represents good/fun writing.
How about comparing your average ratings with FAC?
Yeah...I didn't think so.
Submitted by Revolutionman (user info) at 2005-05-15 23:09:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Jungle_Jimanee (user info) at 2005-05-05 07:33:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by thecaes (user info) at 2005-02-07 22:41:18 (#)
Ranking: 1
I think it's a fun idea, but not very realistic. I can't think of a single person I know who would run a gauntlet of crazy gun-toting co-workers and a small army of Japanese assassins for any amount of money.
That being said, BRING ON THE CARNAGE!
Submitted by nrduncan (user info) at 2005-03-25 11:24:28 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by munkeypants (user info) at 2005-03-25 10:47:22 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by boneface (user info) at 2005-03-24 01:09:08 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by TimeCop (user info) at 2005-03-24 00:30:52 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I JUST NOT found this. Sounds like what would happen if "Rat Race" was written by Kubrick.
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2005-02-16 09:20:52 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by HZRD (user info) at 2005-02-08 15:51:45 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by thecaes (user info) at 2005-02-07 22:41:18 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
I think it's a fun idea, but not very realistic. I can't think of a single person I know who would run a gauntlet of crazy gun-toting co-workers and a small army of Japanese assassins for any amount of money.
That being said, BRING ON THE CARNAGE!
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2005-02-07 09:31:11 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I like it!
Submitted by FunnyAsCancer (user info) at 2005-02-05 12:33:35 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Yeah, ID, I was surprised even myself at the 1.9 for what is in essence just a fake memo. Not that I minded, but still, I was surprised.
And yes, I will be doing a Part 2. Probably up sometime this weekend.
Submitted by iddqd (user info) at 2005-02-05 06:16:26 EST (#)
Ranking: -1
sorry, mr cancer but this is pretty ordinary. its nice to see someone actually posting something a) not of a typical anecdote-y standard uber post and b0 somethign that actually required thought, but this is getting rated way too highly. try re-writing this. its an interesting concept (if a little 'running man'-ish (stephen king running man, not arnie) and i think you could have something worth this score youve gotten...
Submitted by Katastrofadark (user info) at 2005-02-05 05:08:25 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
PART 2!!!!
Submitted by c1ndy (user info) at 2005-02-05 04:59:10 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
see i don't think any amount of money is worth risking your life for... maybe he should pay a million to all the employees who don't turn up, as a reward for having soem sense!
Submitted by mrwolf (user info) at 2005-02-05 04:46:38 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by sword (user info) at 2005-02-05 02:11:07 (#)
Ranking: 2
What I would do is sell my house, sell my car, empty my bank accounts or whatever it took to charter my own helicopter, hire another pilot, and buy a gun. At 8:00 that day I would just fly to the top of the building. Me and the second pilot would get out. At gun point I would tell the second pilot to fly me to the nearest bank and that he would get a million dollars if he didn't press charges
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Well that's one plot twist you now can't write...
This was good man. I say write that sequel
Submitted by Ingsoc (user info) at 2005-02-05 03:31:44 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Feijuada (user info) at 2005-02-05 03:24:33 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Part 2 waiting for I am.
Submitted by darko (user info) at 2005-02-05 03:01:15 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Why just today I was walking around listening to my ipod and i thought about how you cheated me out of a conclusion to the ipod series you set up. Don't cheat me here to you bastard!
Submitted by Mister_Fahrenheit (user info) at 2005-02-05 02:29:13 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by sword (user info) at 2005-02-05 02:11:07 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
What I would do is sell my house, sell my car, empty my bank accounts or whatever it took to charter my own helicopter, hire another pilot, and buy a gun. At 8:00 that day I would just fly to the top of the building. Me and the second pilot would get out. At gun point I would tell the second pilot to fly me to the nearest bank and that he would get a million dollars if he didn't press charges
Submitted by mystiamoon (user info) at 2005-02-05 01:58:14 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by GreenRiver (user info) at 2005-02-05 01:45:46 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
very nice.
Submitted by Freight_Train (user info) at 2005-02-05 00:41:06 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by matrix2681 (user info) at 2005-02-05 00:38:42 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
FunnyAsCancer--yeah it would be worth a +2... but you know it would happen. There's no surprise, see?? I just have a soft spot for minimalist stories. The rest of you who said I suck can go run in the middle of traffic.
Submitted by creep_firebombing (user info) at 2005-02-05 00:20:00 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
more
Submitted by Remission (user info) at 2005-02-04 23:51:51 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
DO NOT LISTEN TO MATRIX!!! I am always down for some good ole ass kicking.. Good stuff man.
Submitted by LadyPlural (user info) at 2005-02-04 23:48:34 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Cool. Carry on.
Submitted by Tigre (user info) at 2005-02-04 23:31:27 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Goddamnit.. you and your genius writing styles and shit.. >: (
Submitted by FunnyAsCancer (user info) at 2005-02-04 23:20:14 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Hey matrix, what if there was a lot of ass-kicking? You know, guns blazing, fists flying, random violence for the sake of violence? Part 2-worthy then?
Submitted by matrix2681 (user info) at 2005-02-04 23:13:40 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
This story rocked, but I don't think it should be taken farther. I mean, seriously, you know what's going to happen already and there aren't many believable plot twists this could take. It's just an eccentric man who can manipulate the minds of all the employees in a huge building and you see just how greedy people can be--you already know they were willing to kill each other.
So nah, no second part to this. It was a tidy little package and very enjoyable.
Submitted by Ed_0150 (user info) at 2005-02-04 23:07:00 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm waiting for part 2.....
Submitted by EmuParrotCock (user info) at 2005-02-04 23:06:16 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Jack_McCallum (user info) at 2005-02-04 23:01:06 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Hey, that was a fun read.
Submitted by screamfeeder (user info) at 2005-02-04 22:59:44 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Amber - "Where is Buzzsaw?"
Ben Richards - "He had to split."
---------------------------
Ben Richards (after killing Fireball) - He was a hothead.
Submitted by Zackstersmackster (user info) at 2005-02-04 22:50:02 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Excellent story! I'd love to actually see that happen and watch to find out which greedy bastard survived! Wonder what the armed guards are paid? Maybe I'd get a job as one of those guys.
Submitted by MandaPanda (user info) at 2005-02-04 22:42:31 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
More, please.
Submitted by stevie_says (user info) at 2005-02-04 22:31:22 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I'd cheat and hide in the building and then WHAM at 8 a.m. just scurry to the top.
Fuckin' eh.
Submitted by FunnyAsCancer (user info) at 2005-02-04 22:28:55 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Part 2 to come? Possibly, if people are intrigued. Otherwise, just an idea I'm throwing out there.
Submitted by Bigmike (user info) at 2005-02-04 22:28:21 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
I liked this. It didn't kick my ass, but it was good.