How not to pick up chicks at bus stops. (1649 hits)
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Submitted by Lyric (View user info) at 2005-02-05 14:33:50 EST
Format taken with respect to comicbookguy's How to Pick Up Chicks at Bus Stops: http://www.ubersite.com/m/50706 (read it first to refresh your memory of this work of greatness)
While waiting at the bus stop yesterday so I could get to work on time, I had an encounter with a guy who had obviously read the fantastic how-to manual by Hugh (but you can call him Mr. Jassdick). Unfortunately this guy decided to take his own artistic approach to this guide and successfully fucked it all up. Where, oh where did this guy go wrong?
Step 1 was "Fix your car stupid!"
I'm standing there, blandly looking out into traffic with the Yeah Yeah Yeahs playing in my ears, when I realize someone's talking to me and has been for probably the last 5 minutes. I politely turn off my music, turn to the person, and say, "I'm sorry, what?"
Standing there is a guy who could give McBain a run for his money in the "who got beat with an ugly stick more as a child" contest. But hey, I bet he's got a great personality. Anyways, he grins at me and says, "Man, busses are great, especially when you're driving the kind of wheels I got... my feet!" He then proceeds to laugh himself silly.
Strike one.
Step 2 was "Use weather to your advantage."
It was a bright gorgeous day yesterday. The wind was blowing lightly, the sun was shining, the birds were singing, pink elephants were dancing in the grass. I was damn well comfy where I was. Hell, I would have walked to work if I had time to.
Strike two.
Step 3 was "Pick out the right girl."
I think this was the only time he made the right decision. I was rocking the "looks really hot but dresses really shitty" ratio thing Mr. Jassdick was talking about. Standing there in my hoodie and jeans, hugging my backpack straps, dark red hair in a messy ponytail and artsy glasses on my face. I was sad, sad that I didn't have many friends because I just moved to this city and was afraid of breaking out of this social shell, perhaps due to the past. Perhaps a boy broke my heart, perhaps I experienced a tragedy in my family. Or, perhaps it was all of the above! How's that for a big pity party for Lyric, huh? I accept flowers and money in condolences. But I digress.
I needed some tender loving. And there is nothing more tender than a penis. And those two sentences seriously belong on a T-shirt.
Step 4 was "Pick the right bus stop."
Well, this bus stop happens to be situated in front of an adult store called "the Love Stop" (holy shit, I just realized I wait at the BUS STOP in front of the LOVE STOP! No one but me cares, but come on... THE LOVE STOP! YES!). What better place to pick up a chick than at a bus stop in front of an adult store? That way, if I say yes to whatever tender words of love this stranger emotes to me, I can make a quick run into the Love Stop first and pick up all necessaries. You know, like condoms, lube, an inflatable sheep. How perfect.
Step 5 was "The approach."
Unfortunately, I think this guy was so happy to be close to a woman at all, that this step is where he lost it. Mind you, it didn't help that he didn't have a car to offer me a ride with, but still. He tried. I was trying to ignore him by looking away everytime he stopped talking, as if the car dealership across the street was the most fascinating thing in the world (which, at this point, it actually was). So instead of being sweet and sensitive, he tried to impress me.
He turned and waved at a bunch of punk ass-looking kids on the other side of the street. They waved back. He looked at me and said, "It's taken me 21 years but I finally got respect on the street!" Two seconds later, a car ran over a pop bottle on the road, which blew with a loud BANG! sound. The guy jumped about three feet in the air, and the started laughing nervously. "Oh, man, wouldn't that be great? I thought that was a gun! Right after I tell ya everyone loves me, I get popped with a cap in my ass!"
Wonderful. I'm going to get shot at a bus stop because of some dude trying to pick me up.
"What's your name?" he asks as he sticks out his hand. I smile warmly. "Bertha. And yours?" He looks confused. "Your name is Bertha?" "Yes, do you have a problem with my name?" "No, no, not at all, it's a sexy name. I'm Brian, but they call me Ice."
Ice. Right. It's all I can do to not start singing in his face. You know what one I'm talking about. Alright, stop, collaborate and listen! Ice is back with a brand new invention! Something, grabs ahold of me tightly, flows like a harpoon, daily and nightly! Will it ever stop? Yo! I don't know! Okay, I'm done. Thinking back on it now, I SHOULD have started singing it. That would have been grand. But I didn't because I'm one of those people who walks away from something and then thinks about 15 clever and bitingly witty things I could have said. Anyways.
More from Ice:
"So whatcha standing here for?" "Well, I'm waiting for the bus. That's why I'm standing here... at the bus stop."
"So do you live alone?" "What? No, I live with a roommate. He's, uh, a cop."
"Can I have your number?" "I don't have a phone."
"Do you have a boyfriend?" "Why is that your business?" "Because I want to know if I can score!"
Needless to say, Ice got his strike 3 a long time ago. I gave up trying to humour him and hoping he'd go away by just being rude. "Look, Brian-" "It's Ice!" "I said, look, Brian, you're not gonna score, I have no interest in you, my personal life is none of your business, and here comes my bus."
As I went to get on, he called out one last thing: "Can I take you for a beer sometime?"
I should have kneed him in the junk (see, there's that 'I just walked away and now I know what I should have said/done' syndrome kicking in). Instead, I just took my seat and proceeded to turn my music back on.
In closing, I'd like to thank Mr. Jassdick for his attempts to make the world a better and easier place for guys to get laid. Watching the plan in action provided me with more than enough humour to accompany me through my shift at work.
I work today in 3 hours, I wonder if Ice will be at that bus stop again.
User Reviews
Submitted by sideshow (user info) at 2005-09-08 16:05:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
It's too bad some loser had to hit on you.
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2005-02-07 11:18:15 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
History has shown that actions always speak louder than comebacks. I would've kneeed him in the groin if I were you.
Oh, and +2 for making me laugh out loud!
Submitted by Casey_Jones (user info) at 2005-02-07 01:32:07 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Alright... +1 for the (intentional?) reference to Skippy's List... +1 for mentioning the whole "hot chick in a hoodie/red hair/artsy glasses combo".... all together a really funny post. Once again I bow to your greatness.
Submitted by Amy (user info) at 2005-02-06 01:04:27 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No comment
Submitted by creep_firebombing (user info) at 2005-02-05 23:38:38 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by MyNameIsTim (user info) at 2005-02-05 18:26:14 (#)
Ranking: 2
gold. did you just move to NYC? i hope so, because i did (to the 'burbs of it) and am looking for drinking buddies. maybe ice will pound some beers with me.
i like the modified shocker that V-Ice is throwin down.
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DAMNIT! I saw that picture and the first thing I thought was something along the lines of "Hey look at Rob Van Winkle throwin' up a primitive and now defunct version of the shocker."
Thanks Tim. You're fired.
Submitted by LadyPlural (user info) at 2005-02-05 23:34:10 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I giggled.
Submitted by YELLOW-MAN (user info) at 2005-02-05 20:15:42 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by BongZilla (user info) at 2005-02-05 18:50:13 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I pick up chicks at the free clinic. uh....I mean....no....Shit!
Pretty funny, and the casual look you got going sounds hot.
-BongZilla
Submitted by MyNameIsTim (user info) at 2005-02-05 18:26:14 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
gold. did you just move to NYC? i hope so, because i did (to the 'burbs of it) and am looking for drinking buddies. maybe ice will pound some beers with me.
i like the modified shocker that V-Ice is throwin down.
Submitted by munkeypants (user info) at 2005-02-05 18:21:24 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm not too sure what's going on here but +2 for Jassdick
Submitted by comicbookguy (user info) at 2005-02-05 18:15:33 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
muchos props yo
Submitted by thecaes (user info) at 2005-02-05 18:09:43 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Herpes (user info) at 2005-02-05 15:12:30 (#)
Ranking: 2
Make eye contact. Smile. Head-nod. "Hi my name is ______". Wanna go grab a drink or something later?
I'm sure I'm leaving parts of my approach out, but that's really all you need to do.
So Lyric, my name is Herpes. You wanna go get a drink or something later?
*************************************
If your approach doesn't work, it's probably because your name is HERPES.
So Lyric, my name is Scorching Urinary Tract Infection. You wanna go get a drink or something later?
Submitted by antluvdog (user info) at 2005-02-05 17:34:46 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
If you were standing at a bus stop, I'd pick you up in my feet, I mean CAR.
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2005-02-05 16:34:21 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Here's something I learned the other day from Zoidberg. Its a nice French phrase.
But I didn't because I'm one of those people who walks away from something and then thinks about 15 clever and bitingly witty things I could have said.= Esprit d'escalier
Submitted by Genko (user info) at 2005-02-05 16:28:27 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"Standing there in my hoodie and jeans, hugging my backpack straps, dark red hair in a messy ponytail and artsy glasses on my face."
Holy shit. You ARE the right girl.
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2005-02-05 16:03:18 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Here's what I'd do.
I saunter up to you...carefully checking my money clip to make sure I have my usual $1500 on me (keeping money in wallets is really gay), making sure you notice...and casually say..."Hey, babee...I'm going for a couple of cocktails...let's go. Now!" You would be attracted to my "Bad Religion" t-shirt and the obvious bulge in my trou.
And you would follow me to the nearest hip dive bar. Then, after a few cocktails, we'd fuck like badgers.
Submitted by The_taste_of_Monkeys (user info) at 2005-02-05 15:52:23 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Ice Cold baby
Submitted by Lyric (user info) at 2005-02-05 15:49:23 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
I'm going to go get drunk and go dancing tonight at Hush here in Victoria. Anyone who's from here should go, too. If you try to pick me up, or even introduce yourself with a stupid name like Ice, I WILL knee you in the junk. You've been warned.
Why do guys never try simple things like Herpes' approach?
Now I have Ice Ice Baby in my head and will probably be singing it all day. Motherfucker.
Submitted by polyamorousaj (user info) at 2005-02-05 15:44:22 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Durae (user info) at 2005-02-05 15:22:41 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
You'd think something as simple as listening to music would deter stupid random conversations, but no, we're never safe.
Submitted by purringbubbles (user info) at 2005-02-05 15:17:32 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Herpes (user info) at 2005-02-05 15:12:30 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I've never understood the "Try to impress" style of picking up chicks. Do you really want to bang chicks who can be banged by spouting off a shitload of lies to them? I know one person who doesn't, and that's me.
Make eye contact. Smile. Head-nod. "Hi my name is ______". Wanna go grab a drink or something later?
I'm sure I'm leaving parts of my approach out, but that's really all you need to do.
So Lyric, my name is Herpes. You wanna go get a drink or something later?
Submitted by Caulaincourt (user info) at 2005-02-05 15:00:51 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment