How I saved A Squirrel From Certain Doom! (1631 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 2 on 21 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Jack McCallum (View user info) at 2005-02-06 13:16:39 EST
How I saved A Squirrel From Certain Doom!
A True Story of Rodent terror!
Once upon a time I was living in a wretched land with too-hot summers and too-cold winters and bad TV and an obsession with a whole sport built around the premise that ice can be fun.
I had a boring job at the {insert major government Crown Corporation name here} of Canada. I was working alone in a ground floor office on a Friday afternoon in September. There was a window, but it just looked out on a big air space - nothing but windows on all four sides of a concrete slab - depressing as shit.
I was about to leave for the day and dying to get the hell out of there, when I noticed a squirrel had become trapped in the air space. It was running in circles and squeaking and trying to find a way out. How in Christ it got there was beyond me. It must have come through another office. All the other windows were shut and the lights were off in the offices. If I left, the squirrel would be trapped all weekend, or most likely disposed of by the janitorial staff.
The janitors in this place were mutants who would basically kill anything that didn't walk on two legs or wear a leash. They saw squirrels as vermin, and killed them on sight.
Now, it wasn't the squirrel's fault that during its entire life in the nearby trees dumbasses had been throwing parts of their lunch to it. It seems a natural conclusion that the squirrel would try to find more food inside. The poor goddamn thing was gonna end up dead— either starving to death or being squashed by some asswipe with a big broom.
I decided to rescue it.
The first thing I did was open my window. Seeing an opening, the squirrel ran through it into my office. At this point I should have realized that the squirrel was fast, and smart, and desperate. I didn't.
I closed the window behind it. That squirrel must have been coated with flubber, because it proceeded to bounce off the walls like a superball, looking for a way out. It was like something out of a cartoon. Jesus, that little bugger was fast! Every time I moved it started running and bouncing faster, so I sat and waited it out.
After about fifteen minutes, it started slowing down. After a half-hour, it was nervously walking around and sniffing things. Remember that this was a Friday afternoon, and I was fucking desperate to go home, so that half-hour seemed like three or four days.
I found a sturdy cardboard box. I thought I'd just drop it on the squirrel and trap it. Easy, right? I was wrong. Every time I tried to trap it, the hyper-squirrel darted away and made a squealing noise. I was trying to save the squirrel, but instead I was pissing it off and scaring it. So now there was a swearing, enraged guy shambling around an office chasing a freaked out squirrel.
Finally, after about forty-five minutes of this shit, I put on a heavy pair of leather work gloves, and when the squirrel stopped to catch its breath in a corner I grabbed it. Now all I had to do was drop it in the box. Easy, right? Being a dickhead, I was wrong again. This particular squirrel had a taste for blood.
Remember, it was a wild animal. In the wild, being grabbed doesn't mean you are going to get your belly rubbed or get a Milk Bone. It means you are about to be eaten. And that means you fight back with everything you have.
The squirrel's head turned almost completely around and it sank its teeth into the middle of my right pointer finger. Squirrels are basically rats with a nicer wardrobe. Squirrels crack open nuts as hard as stone to get the food inside. Squirrels, like rats, can chew through wood, plastic, and softer metals. Squirrels don't consider flesh to be an obstacle. The little fucker bit down hard. I felt his teeth hit bone, and begin to dig in. Imagine someone deciding to remove one of your fingers by pressing a chisel through it.
I yelled so loud snot came out of my nose and I nearly shit my pants.
I tossed the squirrel into the box, slamming the lid down fast. The box started thumping and jerking like there was a really small heavyweight fighter inside.
I pulled off the glove, thinking I probably had a little nick on my finger, and blood went everywhere. The glove had been full of blood, and it was pouring out of my finger like the wound was an open tap. It was disgusting. I piled some stuff on the box lid while I cleaned my hand (all the while listening to the squirrel rocketing against the walls of the box) and then thought, 'If the squirrel can do this to my hand, what could he do to cardboard?' I had to hurry the hell up.
I wrapped some paper towels around my hand and grabbed the box, hoping I wouldn't pass anyone on the way out of the office, since the squirrel was still thundering around inside the box and I had a huge wad of paper towels around my hand. It would have looked a little weird.
When I got outside, I was an hour late, I had blood on my shirt, and my finger was killing me (and starting to swell up in an obscene fashion). Stopping on the sidewalk near some trees, I put the box down on its side, hoping that when I opened the lid the squirrel didn't go for the revenge option and come at me. I eased the lid open, and the box was suddenly turned into a cannon.
I heard a bang and the squirrel shot out of the box. It must have gone fifteen or twenty feet on that first jump. Two more jumps like that and it was up in a tree safe and sound, instead becoming a bloody smear under some janitor's boot.
I went back to the office, got my stuff and locked up. As I walked away, heading home, I heard a chittering noise. The goddamned squirrel was up in a tree giving me shit.
"YOU'RE WELCOME YOU BASTARD!" I shouted to the trees.
An old guy walking by at that moment jumped back a step and looked at me like I was nuts.
My finger hurt like a bitch for three weeks.
Still, it was worth it, just to be able to say that I've fired a squirrel cannon.
User Reviews
Submitted by experima (user info) at 2007-09-14 00:51:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Jack_McCallum (user info) at 2005-08-03 11:54:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Supreme Overlord damage control...
Submitted by Supreme_Overlord (user info) at 2005-07-21 22:24:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
shite
Submitted by Stin (user info) at 2005-02-11 11:50:52 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Ungrateful little sod.
Submitted by rurumon (user info) at 2005-02-07 15:43:19 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Didnt see this. I guess you were lucky you didnt catch any random diseases.
Submitted by yermom (user info) at 2005-02-07 14:24:08 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I also understand the power of the squirrel.
http://www.ubersite.com/m/57349
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2005-02-07 11:57:48 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
A HA HA HA HA!!
A wild animal is always wild, no matter how many PBJs it's eaten...
Submitted by MandaPanda (user info) at 2005-02-06 17:11:46 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I know how that feels.
I had a hamster bite me. You wouldn't know it, but those things hurt like freakin' hell.
+2 for Canadianism.
Submitted by Duke_Diggler (user info) at 2005-02-06 17:01:36 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
nice to save an animal. you should go to the hospital and get rabies and other appropriate shots though.
Submitted by MANICMOTHER (user info) at 2005-02-06 16:55:54 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by mystiamoon (user info) at 2005-02-06 16:32:27 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
you told me this story already
Submitted by BrittInToledo (user info) at 2005-02-06 15:10:59 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"'YOU'RE WELCOME YOU BASTARD!' I shouted to the trees."
CLASSIC. loved it, am still laughing!!!!!!
Submitted by LadyPlural (user info) at 2005-02-06 15:08:29 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
http://www.ubersite.com/m/15006
Holy hell. Me too. Perhaps it's a conspiracy...?
Submitted by CookieLass (user info) at 2005-02-06 14:58:37 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
2 words: tetanus shot
Submitted by TigerLilly (user info) at 2005-02-06 14:54:17 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
So funny you are.
Submitted by creep_firebombing (user info) at 2005-02-06 14:21:06 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Fuck yeah.
Submitted by JohosaPhaTZ (user info) at 2005-02-06 14:19:50 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Fucking awesome.
Submitted by Ainkara (user info) at 2005-02-06 14:00:29 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Bastard squirrels....
Submitted by Tigre (user info) at 2005-02-06 13:58:03 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Niiiiiice. Read about Fat tony's hamster cannon. Some good shit.
Submitted by Jack_McCallum (user info) at 2005-02-06 13:54:10 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by QueenSkye (user info) at 2005-02-06 13:47:17 (#)
Ranking: 2
fucking hilarious, moreso because there is a squirrel sitting outside my window looking at me... actually, thats a little creepy
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*can't stop laughing*
Submitted by QueenSkye (user info) at 2005-02-06 13:47:17 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
fucking hilarious, moreso because there is a squirrel sitting outside my window looking at me... actually, thats a little creepy