1st Time in Jail, or how I almost missed the Super Bowl (a little long) (825 hits)
Category: HumorRating: 1.4 on 16 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by L.G. <el2tha.g.at.gmail.com> (View user info) at 2005-02-07 15:15:03 EST
*This story is presented in completely unexaggerated, unedited form. The following are the events of my Saturday night, to the best of my memory.
As many of you know, it is Mardi Gras right now in New Orleans. Usually you can find some sort of Mardi Gras celebration/party in cities across the US, and ours was no exception. Saturday, February 5th was Pardi Gras, the Sacramento, CA version of a Mardi Gras party. All proceeds went to children's charity, so my friends and I felt good that we could get drunk, see some titties(hopefully), and help out the kids at the same time. Like Wu-Tang, we're for the babies. The event was held at a warehouse that had been turned into a virtual Bourbon Street, complete with floats, beads, Cajun food, and a few rock bands, the most popular being the Presidents of the United States. My roommate Devin, friends Ryan and Jason, and I had all purchased VIP admission, which allowed us unlimited alcohol, shots, and a private VIP area with a special view of the stage. We knew it was going to be a great night.
The event was scheduled to run from 6PM - 12AM. We arrived there right around six and got in right away, ready to start the partying. The first few hours were spent wandering around, looking at the various attractions, and starting off with a few beers. We checked out the VIP room, and we did body shots of tequila with a few of the bartender chicks. I then switched my drink of choice to Jack and Coke, a longtime favorite. Shit finally started getting good around 9:30. The women were all liquored up, we were starting to get a little drunk, and the titties were coming out. A few more Jack and Cokes, and I switched to Bacardi and Coke. I have no clue why I did this, as I never drink it, but it seemed like the smart thing to do at the time. We get some more shots from the girls, this time getting flashed as a bonus. By the time the Presidents came on stage, we were all smashed, with the exception of Jason, who, conveniently for us, doesn't drink.
I don't really remember too much of the show, but I do know it rocked. I am a serious hip-hop fan, but these guys were awesome. It was at the end of their show that my memory gets really choppy. I remember the night like this:
Show done, and we get more drinks.
<blackout>
Titties, titties in our faces "YEAH THIS SHIT KICKS ASS!!!!"
<blackout>
"Dude, look at Ryan, he's grabbin the bartenders tits and making out with her"
<blackout>
POUND POUND POUND.
<blackout>
"...scared the shit out of her."
<blackout>
"Face the wall..."
<blackout>
"Any disease or medical conditions?"
<passed the fuck out>
I had the deepest few hours of sleep, and the last image in my mind was the bartender flashing us. It was then that I woke up. Cold. On a bench. With nine other people. In a cell. I was in jail for the first time in my life, and I had almost no clue of what I had done to get in. My hand hurt like hell, and I could remember pounding on something really hard, but I couldn't remember what. My wrists were sore and red, and I figured that was from the handcuffs. Still being a little drunk and not really knowing what was going on, I decided to sleep a little longer.
It was 4AM when I finally woke up again. I know this because it was then that the cell door opened up and a bunch of food trays and milk cartons were slid across the ground into the middle of the cell.
"Must be four o' clock." One of the regulars stated, "That's when they feed you. Four o' clock."
I took one look at the food and decided I wasn't hungry. I think it was supposed to be pancakes. And it did look like pancakes to a certain extent. Imagine pancakes. Now imagine chewing them in your mouth. Now imagine spitting them back out instead of swallowing. The finished product would look just like what we were given. There was also some sort of green slimy stuff, and I had no clue what that was supposed to be. There wasn't really anything too funny or special about jail. The cops are dicks (when asked what time it was, one looked at his watch, looked back up and said "I have no clue." And walked away), and the cells suck. It's either the bench or the ground. The bench is hard, and you can't lie down on it. The ground is harder, but you can stretch out and try to sleep. I spent the rest of my time rotating between standing up, sitting on the bench, or laying on the ground.
There was really only one funny thing that happened in the first cell. Sometime between getting there and the food, some old guy in the corner had decided to have some one-hand love. Apparently, he was jacking off for about an hour before the guards took him away. Now it wasn't the jacking off that amazed me. That was no big deal. It was the fact that he had been doing it for an hour. Who can do that? This guy should be in a fucking ad for Viagra. It was the next cell where things got interesting.
A little while after they had "fed" the prisoners, I was moved to the release tank. This being my first time in jail, I didn't really know what it was for, but anything with the word release in it was fine by me. There were about twelve other people in there, about half of them black, a few Mexicans, and some white guys. The black guys were all laughing at some guy in the corner, so I figured I'd go see what was up.
Eugene was his name. I figured that much out when he was called to be released. Eugene was a bum. He had tore up dirty clothes, and no teeth. He was all cut up and bandaged, something he said the cops had done when he had talked shit to them. At the time I got there, Eugene was on some shit. I never really talked to him, but I did overhear his conversations with one of the black guys, Phil.
Eugene: "Yeah man, I used to play for Rick James."
Phil: "Oh really man?"
E: "Yeah. (singing now) You dropped the bomb on me, baby"
P: "Man that's the Gap Band"
E "Yeah it's cool huh!? Did I tell you about the time I was in Compton?"
P: "Naw man, what happened"
E: "We were little, and I was chillin with Juice. That's what we used to call Ice T, Juice. So I was with Juice and we robbed this liquor store man. Yeah, I did it cuz I wanted to get beat by the old lady. I liked that shit. Like some S&M."
P: "Man, you on some shit. You crazy"
E: "And one time I was in Oakland. And some fool came up to me and asked my name. I told him 'I'm Rick James' and he was like 'You ain't Rick James' so I told him ' I'mma bitch slap you if I ain't Rick James and then you'll know my name'."
P: " That's why you be coming in all bloody. Always talking shit."
E: "Yeah but I'm a pimp."
P: "Oh you be pimpin?"
E: "Yeah this is what I do. I find a pretty young lady. Then I fuck her, and if she don't give me the pussy, I take it! Then I make sure she's rich, and I steal her panties. Then I hold her panties for ransom from her rich grandma."
P: "What the fuck?"
E: "I wear that shit and I hold em for ransom!"
P: "You trippin man."
Eugene and Phil continued talking for a while, and I finally fell asleep. When I woke up there were about thirty people in the room, and they were getting ready to release some people. About ten people were let out, me not being one of them. Eugene had passed out lying on the ground, his feet inside the toilet. He was talking in his sleep.
Eugene: "Hey baby. Yeah I'm in jail. What? You got pictures of me there and here at the same time? That's fucking impossible! Oh yeah? You want me to fuck you? Ok baby I'll be right over. Hold on baby I got another call. Hello? Hey man what's up? What?! Rick James is waiting for me? Aww man tell him I'll be right there. Yeah I'm in jail. Yeah man fuck the cops."
He went on for about half an hour rambling some shit I couldn't make out. Someone then made a phone call and we got them to ask for the time. It was 11:45. Eugene was let out a little later, leaving his shoes behind and taking the county jail shoes with him. The rest of us waited, not knowing what time it was or how much time had gone by since we had last checked. A few more people came and went, but nobody noticeable. Everyone had come in either drunk or high, and we were all feeling hung over and tired. I tried to sleep, but ended up laying there most of the time, hungry and bored out of my mind. My name was finally called, and when I got out I saw it was 3:15. Still enough time to catch the game.
I called my roommate from a pay phone because my cell phone was not included in the bag of my property. It turns out that nobody knew where I was, and everyone was looking and calling around to try and figure out where I was. When he got there I asked him what had happened, and from what he knew I was able to piece together what had happened the night before.
Jason and Ryan had dropped me and Devin off at our apartment after the party, and they were going to go eat at Denny's. They had dropped us off in front of the wrong apartment, exactly one row down from mine. Devin knew this and walked down a bit to our apartment. I was so drunk I did not notice this, and went straight to an apartment that looked exactly like ours on the outside. When my key didn't work, I started to knock, thinking my roommate was fucking around. When he didn't open the door, I started pounding. When that didn't work, I started kicking at the door. The old lady had been scared to death that someone was trying to kill her, so she called the cops on me. They came, and I was taken to jail. I do not know why they didn't just take me to my apartment, but I can only imagine the things that were coming out of my mouth with that much alcohol in me.
I was given my cell phone back when I got picked up. I guess I had forgotten it in Ryan's truck. We all had a few good laughs about the night before, and headed towards the house. We got there just about halfway through the 1st quarter, started drinking again, smoked a few blunts, and watched the Patriots beat the Eagles, as expected. I'm thinking about apologizing to the old lady when I see her, but I don't want to give her a heart attack when she sees me.
User Reviews
Submitted by thecaes (user info) at 2005-02-07 21:46:57 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Heh. Long, but a good story. You drunken bastard.
Submitted by belgarion (user info) at 2005-02-07 21:10:59 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by L-Gizzle (user info) at 2005-02-07 19:05:08 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
It's always nice to know you are not the only dumb ass in the world
;)
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maybe we should share stories. i've done a lot of stupid things and it'd be nice to know what other dumb asses do. ;-)
Submitted by Girlwithaclue (user info) at 2005-02-07 18:49:17 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
It's always nice to know you are not the only dumb ass in the world
;)
Submitted by Katastrofadark (user info) at 2005-02-07 18:33:12 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Haha that's better than I thought it would be.
Submitted by L-Gizzle (user info) at 2005-02-07 17:53:39 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Plus 2 because I did something like that before. We had just got home from a 3 day drinking binge in Vegas and I had to pick up some friends on my way home. Mind you I had been drinking for 3 days solid. Anyway, I ended up in front of an apartment complex on the same street that looked almost identical to the place I was going. I went up to the apartment, noticed the bushes seemed different and started banging on the door. They would not answer the door so I thought they were fucking with me. Finally I started banging on the window. Then some frightened lady looked out the window. I asked her if my friends were there. She said "no" and I totally did not believe her. Finally I gave up and left. I drove down the street and 2 blocks down there was the apartment I was really looking for. Oooh I am so lucky my ass did not end up in jail........
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nice to see i'm not the only one who's done something like this
Submitted by Girlwithaclue (user info) at 2005-02-07 17:40:00 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Plus 2 because I did something like that before. We had just got home from a 3 day drinking binge in Vegas and I had to pick up some friends on my way home. Mind you I had been drinking for 3 days solid. Anyway, I ended up in front of an apartment complex on the same street that looked almost identical to the place I was going. I went up to the apartment, noticed the bushes seemed different and started banging on the door. They would not answer the door so I thought they were fucking with me. Finally I started banging on the window. Then some frightened lady looked out the window. I asked her if my friends were there. She said "no" and I totally did not believe her. Finally I gave up and left. I drove down the street and 2 blocks down there was the apartment I was really looking for. Oooh I am so lucky my ass did not end up in jail........
Submitted by Joemama (user info) at 2005-02-07 17:13:15 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Welcome to the world of the Sacramento
County Sheriff's Department
Enjoy!
Submitted by L-Gizzle (user info) at 2005-02-07 15:50:53 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Wow. That ain't that bad. These assholes up here in Ohio will charge you with 3 things and steal all your money.
I gotta get down there for Mardi Gras before I'm 30.
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There was a guy in the cell with me who was at a bar with a friend. Walked to the car, not even being the one who was going to drive, and they arrested him for public drunkeness.
A bunch of us are trying to organize a Mardi Gras trip next year.
Submitted by TheSpook (user info) at 2005-02-07 15:37:47 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Wow. That ain't that bad. These assholes up here in Ohio will charge you with 3 things and steal all your money.
I gotta get down there for Mardi Gras before I'm 30.
Submitted by L-Gizzle (user info) at 2005-02-07 15:35:48 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
haha
What citation did they give you?
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they actually didn't charge me with anything. i was expecting either a drunk in public or disturbing the peace charge, but i guess they just wanted me to sober up.
Submitted by TheSpook (user info) at 2005-02-07 15:32:54 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
haha
What citation did they give you?
Submitted by Timmah (user info) at 2005-02-07 15:27:49 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by knucklesnelson (user info) at 2005-02-07 15:21:45 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
haha
Submitted by jack11058 (user info) at 2005-02-07 15:21:32 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
whoops
Submitted by RamJetMax (user info) at 2005-02-07 15:20:30 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Go for the edited version next time. And only use one title.