UberMurder! Police Report #3 (722 hits)
Category: NewsRating: 1.9 on 21 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Timmah http://www.these-bloody-hands.tk (View user info) at 2005-02-07 21:39:57 EST
From the desk of:
Chief of Police FunnyAsCancer
Well, ElectricToothSyndrome has been killed, in what is now the third murder at the hands of this sadistic madman. Why ETS, you may be asking? Why? He amused us all with his musical talent, with his comical antics, so why take him out?
That, my fellow citizens, is something only a murderous maniac can answer.
Indeed, ETS' death is a tragic loss to us all. He will be gravely missed. But in spite of ETS' untimely passing, the police force does have some good news to report. The murderer's accomplice, Degreeless, has been caught, tried, and sentenced to death. We should have known from the very beginning Degreeless would have some part in this.
But something Degreeless said just before he took his own life struck a chord in the minds of the police force:
"You all think you know who to look for. Let me just say this. For the ubermurderer, the best thing of all turned out to be the worst thing of all."
We here on the force either would have to be idiots to not catch this clue. "The best thing of all?" That sounds an awful lot like the final title for UberMadness II. And who was in that? Jack McCallum and...domenad. Domenad lost in the final round, and what could be worse than coming in second, and not being able to reach that final goal of yours, the one that's stretched over 4 months?
Ah yes, domenad. How could we have forgotten domenad? Maybe because this has been his only comment during the entire UberMurder investigation:
"Submitted by Degreeless_Capibara (user info) at 2004-12-08 22:01:35 (#)
Ranking: 2
"He who smelt it, dealt it."
I still have to go with GLALL. The denial of an interview is pretty damnable evidence.
Submitted by domenad (user info) at 2004-12-08 21:53:53 (#)
Ranking: 2
GLALL is pretty sick. I vote him. Especially w/ the pooper incident."
Oh, and what a coincidence! The murderer's accomplice just so happened to back him up mere minutes later.
But what motive did domenad have for killing loki, ETS, and munkeypants?
Munkeypants- In the final 5 rounds of UberMadness, munkey only voted for domenad 1 time.
Loki- Loki's a Democrat, domenad's a Republican. They've had fights before. Here's an entire post of his just about proving loki wrong: http://www.ubersite.com/m/24356
ETS- Political rabble. Take this post (http://www.ubersite.com/m/38033) for example. Both of them arguing about different things, and it never stops. Add to that the fact that ETS never voted for domenad in UM II, period.
Vote. Decide. Make my job easier.
Chief of Police,
FunnyAsCancer
http://www.ubersite.com/m/53534 - Murder of Munkeypants and coroners report #1
http://www.ubersite.com/m/53693 - First Police report.
http://www.ubersite.com/m/54454 - Murder of Loki and execution of GLALL coroners report #2
http://www.ubersite.com/m/55197 - Police Report #2
http://www.ubersite.com/m/58470 - Execution of Degreeless
http://www.ubersite.com/m/58954 - Murder of ETS and Coroners report #3
User Reviews
Submitted by Timmah (user info) at 2005-02-09 11:23:51 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Well according to this we only have three villagers. Funny that. I'll give this until 12 o Clock my time. Then I'll write up the next execution
Submitted by DonkeyOnTheEdge (user info) at 2005-02-08 22:51:08 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Death_Metal_Dude
Submitted by Degreeless_Capibara (user info) at 2005-02-08 22:37:40 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Degreeless
Submitted by polyamorousaj (user info) at 2005-02-08 22:21:19 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Domenad.
Submitted by darko (user info) at 2005-02-08 22:04:18 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I'll stick to the officil theory and vote domenad.
Submitted by Timmah (user info) at 2005-02-08 20:20:56 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Bump
Submitted by Timmah (user info) at 2005-02-08 15:33:43 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
219 hits and 14 reviews yet not one single vote. How do you think we will catch the killer? Asking him nicely to come out the shadows?
VOTE BASTARDS!
Submitted by electrictoothsyndrome (user info) at 2005-02-08 12:41:25 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
this police report is incomplete...
Wanna know who might want to kill me?
Here is the short list:
domenad
Jack_McCallum
professorfuckface
Shlongy
possibly AJ
who knows who else i've pissed off... see if AJ has been dissed by munkey and loki.
Submitted by electrictoothsyndrome (user info) at 2005-02-08 12:30:22 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Fuck domenad.
Submitted by Timmah (user info) at 2005-02-08 12:15:19 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
bump
Submitted by munkeypants (user info) at 2005-02-08 08:11:51 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
<dead>
Submitted by darko (user info) at 2005-02-08 03:33:52 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
If it wasn't domenad congrats to degreeless by throwing me off with his pre-suicide rant. I took that above all the evidence which is still something I'm not too confident in. But implying that we were nowhere near the right murderer and then the possible ubermadness reference that I picked up on just seemed like such forceful evidence. But one comforting fact is that a murder finally took place outside of ohio. But kentucky is right on ohio's border. IT just makes me think the killer is from the area, quite likely indiana or west virginia where he can slip right back into his state after commiting the crime. But domenad's florida... I know he has motive for loki, and maybe the only reason he killed munkepants was that he wanted to do her in the pooper, but why ets? Ok yes they disagreed on some political issues, but The murders seem to be happening in a specific geographical location to which it wouldn't make sense for someone from florida to keep commiting these murders.
I'm really conflicted here because I feel the police report was rushed and done solely based on degreeless's last words instead of the evidence. And even though I was one of the ones who originally believed that degreeless was implementing domenad, that doesn't mean domenad was the killer. It is completly plausible that domenad simply forgot about this going on after the first murder and then never commented again. But then why comment now when we implement him?? If he forgot he was even playing this isn't awfully convienent for him to remember just before he is put to death?? and if evidence states that ets was killed by an overweight man, http://www.ubersite.com/m/22598 domenad calls himself obese.
Maybe this is just my pride getting in the way of me not spotting domenad earlier and ruling him as a suspect. If the evidence pointed to CATAL or Aj who were the other three in my original suspects i'd have a much easier time going with it. There's just one problem here, the evidence DOES point to AJ! "A size 14US (13UK) footprint was found" and "the killer was large (overweight)" Through reserach I found three users, Tom, Bigmike, and AJ who have made it known on uber that they have size 14 shoes. And Aj is the only one of the three participating here. As for being overweight, juyst look at http://www.ubersite.com/m/58896 . Clearly AJ has been getting out of shape as he states and has become one fat fuck. I mean even CATAL brought these points up in http://www.ubersite.com/m/58954#1125854 . And I find it slightly more believeable that a killer from iowa is comminting crimes in ohio and kentucky than one from florida.
In all honesty, I have no fucking clue at the moment. When it turned out Degreeless was not the murderer my confidence was shaken. My gut feeling when I read the degreeless suicide post was that domenad was the killer. But that was before this new evidence that came to light. Sadly the police report was filed based on prior suspicions and i don't believe accounts for the death of ETS. But just as this police report we made with domenad seeded into the minds of the entire police force as the probable killer, I too still have aj in my head. I mean http://www.ubersite.com/m/54454#1027622 still makes sense. He kept voting for someone that wasn't participating!
I just can't vote right now, hopefully after some sleep things will clear up for me.
Submitted by domenad (user info) at 2005-02-07 23:24:22 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Uh, I haven't said a word on these because they're about fifty years apart and I forgot I was even a part of it. But there's an easy way to prove I'm not the murderer - Caulaincourt is still alive. Were I the murderer, you don't think I'd start with the CAnadians?
Submitted by Kent_Weirdo (user info) at 2005-02-07 23:10:30 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I always knew that Degreeless was a real oddball...
Yep... a REAL oddball...
Submitted by DamienX (user info) at 2005-02-07 22:27:37 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
This was weirdly entertaining.
Submitted by Degreeless_Capibara (user info) at 2005-02-07 22:07:47 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Haha I'm a genius.
Submitted by GodLovesALittleLovin (user info) at 2005-02-07 22:05:21 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Circe is the killer.
Submitted by GodLovesALittleLovin (user info) at 2005-02-07 22:04:44 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm still dead right? You guys are the shiftiest police force I have ever seen, killing people off without a care in the world.
Godamn you domenad and Degreeless. I will haunt you and your children until the day comes when god bans ghosts from doing that anymore. That's in like 200 years bitches.
Submitted by Degreeless_Capibara (user info) at 2005-02-07 21:58:46 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Let's hope they have better luck than they had with GLALL.
Submitted by Timmah (user info) at 2005-02-07 21:44:41 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
My fault for not proof reading. YET AGAIN
Submitted by FunnyAsCancer (user info) at 2005-02-07 21:43:40 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 for my many, many typos.