Why Does God Hate Me? (1090 hits)
Category: HumorRating: 1.43 on 23 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Zod (View user info) at 2005-02-07 23:42:44 EST
So yeah, I had an interesting time this weekend...
Long story short, I had a few friends come over and drink. Three girlfriends and my two roommates and I. One girl was a close friend, the other two were acquantances. For the sake of this post, "Amanda" was one of my acquantances. Beautiful girl, great personality...but mostly beautiful girl. Great body, beautiful face, boobs to die for. Now this girl decided early on in the night that she was going to hook up with me. Told my friend that she was, even before we started drinking.
Good for me.
So the night goes on, and I decide, what the hell, i'm going for this girl. There's nothing like a good sex to get the blood flowing...directly into my penis. So we drink and we party and we have fun. The whole time my eyes don't move from her chest. Even playing beer pong, i'm sinking shots with my head looking down and away. Her mammaries possessed me with a sort of divine radar, blessing my hand and making it go straight and true.
Good for me.
The night drags on, and my friend starts to cry. Basically, they took a pic of her tits in private and I decided it would be fun to show my two roommates. Believe me, it was. But she got upset, for whatever reason, and started crying. I laughed. She cried harder. I love alcohol. So apparently, somewhere in there, she told her friend not to hook up with me. Fuck.
Bad for me.
The night is almost over, and the hot girl decides to take everything off but her panties and jump into my bed. I guess she was too drunk at the moment to remember her promise. She yells for me and says she needs me. I sprint my ass into my room and shut the door. I rip my clothes off and jump into bed, ready for action.
Good for me.
Once in bed, she talks. She talk A LOT.
Bad for me.
As I lay there, feeling my penis slowly shrivel back down to its regular size, she hits me with an interesting little tidbit of information. "I was pregnant three months ago. I didn't know who it was out of three guys. I never found out for sure, I just got an abortion and ended it. Never even told my mom. Funny, huh? Anyway, wanna snuggle?"
For some reason, funny didn't seem like the appropriate word to use in that situation. Nauseating sounded better. I could actually feel my peener huddle itself into my stomach, cringing away from the gaping maw of disease that was only a panty-lining away.
So fucking bad for me.
So my night prospects went from hooking up with a gorgeous girl all night long to cringing in fear against the wall of my room while she rubbed my back and tried to get me to take my boxers off.
Ok, thats a lie...
I'm not a total fag. I still made out and fondled her boobs all night. They were delightful. But that was it. Her baginer was on its own.
God works in funny ways, doesn't he?
P.S. - AJ's lanky ass has alerted me to the fact that I accidentally sent a blank page before this. Yeah, I'm an idiot. We all know that. At least give me the dignity of getting more reviews on my post with substance than my blank one. That is all.
User Reviews
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2005-02-14 23:39:15 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
God doesn't "hate" you, per se.
He just chooses to ignore dorks.
Submitted by thecaes (user info) at 2005-02-08 16:12:25 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"So the night goes on, and I decide, what the hell, i'm going for this girl. There's nothing like a good sex to get the blood flowing...directly into my penis."
BAH-HA HA HA HA HAAAAA!!
It's funny 'cause it's true.
Submitted by TheSunGod (user info) at 2005-02-08 12:13:43 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
so you laid in bed all night, nearly naked, with a nearly naked woman who wanted to get rid of the "nearly" part and hump your brains out?
god hates you because you're a homosexual.
Submitted by Jay_Bassman (user info) at 2005-02-08 08:52:19 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Made me laugh.
"We regret to announce the following layoffs. Simpson, Homer. That is all."
Gotta love the "that is all".
Submitted by Merlina (user info) at 2005-02-08 08:37:41 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Loved the way that was written although the content a bit weak.. made me laugh though so +2
oh and I like the "that is all" comment at the end - something I say alot myself..
Submitted by MisterOCD (user info) at 2005-02-08 08:32:31 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by munkeypants (user info) at 2005-02-08 08:05:44 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
why would she tell you that as you're both ready to get it on?
jebus.
Submitted by Lyric (user info) at 2005-02-08 04:00:59 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Girls are so weird.
Submitted by r1nce (user info) at 2005-02-08 03:01:06 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by Zod (user info) at 2005-02-08 01:42:59 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Haha, what the hell did I do to you, sammy? I've never even heard of you before.
Submitted by TheJedi (user info) at 2005-02-08 01:42:25 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Life's a fucking bitch, ain't it... Sigh...
Submitted by Ainkara (user info) at 2005-02-08 01:39:07 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I love you.
Submitted by ak_whitebread (user info) at 2005-02-08 01:36:26 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Fuck what everyone else thinks. This post is AWESOME. I have not laughed like this in quite some time. That and alcohol always helps too. Keep up the good work!
Submitted by tinactin (user info) at 2005-02-08 01:34:12 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I think Sammy's a big fan
Submitted by SammySam (user info) at 2005-02-08 01:25:48 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
This sucked.
You sucked.
This will forever remain to suck.
You will forever remain to suck.
Submitted by Siren (user info) at 2005-02-08 00:30:36 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Method (user info) at 2005-02-08 00:20:56 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Saxon (user info) at 2005-02-08 00:16:41 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I think god hates us all but we must be a good source of amusement to him. Kind of like watching a male Corgi try and hump a female Great Dane on heat.
Submitted by AlwaysAnEagle (user info) at 2005-02-08 00:06:16 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I ask myself that all the fucking time.
Submitted by polyamorousaj (user info) at 2005-02-07 23:56:53 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Because you're Italian.
Submitted by FunnyAsCancer (user info) at 2005-02-07 23:50:16 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Because that girl touched you at night...
AND YOU TOUCHED HER BACK! She was only 16, you sick fuck!
Submitted by Degreeless_Capibara (user info) at 2005-02-07 23:47:28 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
I drained all my wit on your last post.
Submitted by Sideburns (user info) at 2005-02-07 23:45:22 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Because you touch....
Ah fuck it, I'm an unoriginal hack.