Fooled by a Retarded Mexican Cook or How I Learned to Never Trust a Mexican (717 hits)
Category: HumorRating: 1.9 on 11 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by March of flames <astheruinfalls> (View user info) at 2005-02-07 23:47:44 EST
I work in a restaurant. Not just any restaurant, a Mexican restaurant. A Mexican restaurant that is run by Mexicans, owned by Mexicans, and worked by Mexicans. So yeah, it's pretty much just a normal Mexican restaurant.
Suffice to say, I am the only white person/non-Mexican on the entire staff. I feel outnumbered.
As the story stands now, all of you are thinking, "Gee wiz, how has this kid not have gotten gang banged by a bunch of dirty cooks and dishwashers looking for some sweet ass?" I'll tell you how: A lot of duct tape to protect my vital areas. Along with my numerous other items in my utility belt I carry a round of duct tape for such instances as these.
Anyway, back to the story. So I work in a Mexican restaurant, and on a daily basis I usually order myself some Mexican shit inducers (i.e. - burritos) when I get hungry. I also get a soda or something of that sort to wash down the food. When I order these I always have to go back and tell one of the cooks to batch it up for me.
When they make me food the cooks always do little shit to piss me off, like drench my burrito in sour cream or put salsa in my drink, but nothing too serious. Until yesterday that is.
It started out as any normal day would. I started working and eventually I noticed my stomach trying to speak to me.
Stomach: Get me some mother fucking food or I'll make you shit your pants.
Me: Okay.
Yeah no arguments here, I can't go around bringing people food in one hand while trying to hoist up my sagging pants with the other now can I?
I answer the call of the gut fervently and make my way into the kitchen to order myself a one-way ticket to the toilet.
"Hey Cesar get me a burrito. By the way how's your green card coming along?"
He just smiles at me mostly because the only words he understands from that sentence are "Jorge" and "burrito". Damn these Mexicans and their non-English speaking ways. At least they make good food, or they probably would still be working construction, HA! Take that cooks and dishwashers.
I wait for my burrito by the stove; all the while Jorge has a big goofy smile on his face. "You know Jorge, you're really starting to creep me out, maybe you should not smile at me all the time. Yeah you know maybe you should also learn English so you can start speaking instead of smiling like a child with downs syndrome."
Yeah that didn't work. I've just had about enough of his smiling so I decide to stop slacking and get back to work.
Five minutes later I hear the order bell start ringing non-stop and I enter the kitchen to see Jorge slamming it repeatedly.
"Wow you really do have downs syndrome Jorge, I was just joking before but now I know the truth. You might want to check into getting some help for that."
He just smiles at me and pushes the burrito and soda in my direction.
"Gracias Jorge."
He rambles on about something in return but I don't understand a word he says so I just take my food and go sit down to eat.
My fork meets the burrito and transfers it to my mouth. Oh my God, the Lord Jesus Christ in heaven couldn't have made a better burrito then this. It's simply heaven wrapped in a tortilla, and surrounded by beans, and other things... like lettuce... and stuff. Beautiful, simply beautiful.
After I finish off the Mexican shit inducer I notice a gurgle in my stomach. Not just any gurgle though, it's like an earthquake is raping the inhabitants of my now ravished stomach and taking me down with it. This can't be good...
After a few more rumbles that could've registered on the Richter scale I run into the bathroom and let loose a god-awful shit that could kill twenty men at once, maybe thirty depending on the size of the room they're in. It's simply horrendous.
Thirty minutes go by. Now forty and I'm still going strong. This can't be healthy.
Finally as the cataclysmic event comes to an end and all is well in the world I wash my hands and step out of the bathroom. To my amazement and horror the cooks and dishwashers are laughing hysterically at me.
As a confused look spreads across my face I look around to see what's so funny.
My attention is directed towards Jorge and anger sweeps over me as I see what he is holding in his hands.
"You sneaky bastard Jorge. I'd fuck you up if you didn't make such damn good burritos. Plus I think you have a switchblade on you."
As he wipes the tears from his eyes the same goofy smile spreads across his face.
In his hand is the tool that led to my demise. A bottle of ex-lax.
User Reviews
Submitted by TheSpook (user info) at 2005-02-08 08:40:42 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 for the description of that shit. Sounds fucking rough.
Submitted by MisterOCD (user info) at 2005-02-08 08:29:21 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Anything that makes me hard pressed to disguise my laughter at work gets a +2. Good stuff!
Submitted by Chinaski (user info) at 2005-02-08 04:22:50 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
mine is on par
http://www.ubersite.com/m/52981
Submitted by TheJedi (user info) at 2005-02-08 03:17:28 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Me no like racist remarks...
Submitted by r1nce (user info) at 2005-02-08 03:03:48 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by Duke_Diggler (user info) at 2005-02-08 00:27:12 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
pretty funny...i definitely expected cum in the burrito.
Submitted by Saxon (user info) at 2005-02-08 00:26:31 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Yessssssssss love a good poop story.
Submitted by MandaPanda (user info) at 2005-02-08 00:13:00 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
You poor thing.
Submitted by FunnyAsCancer (user info) at 2005-02-08 00:09:36 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"Hey Cesar get me a burrito. By the way how's your green card coming along?"
He just smiles at me mostly because the only words he understands from that sentence are "Jorge" and "burrito".
Apparently Cesar is English/Spanglish for Jorge.
But +2 ya crazy bastard.
Submitted by Rammstein (user info) at 2005-02-07 23:54:48 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
i hate niggers i hate spics..they all suck the white mans dick
Submitted by Degreeless_Capibara (user info) at 2005-02-07 23:51:33 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
So I said to my friend, "Dude, we should go to Taco Bell," and he says, "Haha Michael Moore is hot."
I'm priceless.