A longing Valentine of love and longing to my long gone ex-husband (long) (1372 hits)
Category: NoneLabels: crap:humour
Rating: 1.97 on 58 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Circe <fickle.muse.at.gmail.com> (View user info) at 2005-02-08 08:35:11 EST
My absent love, it's been too long. I remember the first time we met. You were drunk, and so was I. You smelled of beer and cigarettes, and I smelled of vodka and cigarettes. It was like we were made for each other.
I said something that got lost in the noise and confusion and alcohol fumes of the pub, and you laughed like a hyena that'd been hit in the head with a hammer. It was so endearing, especially as I'd only asked if you knew where the bathrooms were. You always did find bodily functions amusing. I loved that about you.
That first night, I still remember the words you said to me after we staggered back to your place and you threw up in the bathtub while I tripped over the dirty laundry on your floor and hit my head. They are seared into my mind and always will be. Your bleary eyes tried to focus on my tits and you mumbled "Wanna suck my dick?"
I still don't know why I refused you. Your charm was apparent even then. But I, with remarkable foresight as it turns out, told you drunkenly to "go fuck a hole inna wall" and wandered home.
But something was determined to bring us together. Was it fate? Was it god? Was it the fact that we lived in the fucking desert and you were the only male for 550km that had read a book, even if it was the "Holden Kingswood Owners Manual"? In any case, our relationship progressed with all the momentum of a brick sinking to the ocean floor to settle amid the mud and rotting flesh and bottom feeders.
We moved in together and you knocked me up one night when I forgot to chain my legs closed before I fell asleep.
The memories I have of that time are so clear, so vivid. Like the time you took a picture of me when I was naked and pregnant and I lovingly drowned your new digital camera in the sink. The smell of you - beer and grease and that red Kalgoorlie dust that had settled into your pores. You were eighteen years older than me, and I always found it too fucking sweet for words when you tried to teach me to drive/cook/clean/breathe/walk/blink/speak. You treated me like a brain dead toddler when you weren't groping my breasts, and I can't think of any woman that could ask for more.
Remember your 41st birthday? How I made you that card, with the carefully pressed flowers from our first real date (remember that? That was the one where you took me to dinner, then back to your place to watch lesbian porn and slobber beer all over me. I'll never know romance like that again. Ever. Unless someone gives me a lobotomy first) and it said "Happy Birthday!" on the front? And then you opened it up and it said "Here's your freedom"? Oh, how we laughed.
And even now, that spark that kept us together is still going strong. You came down to see the kids on Christmas with enough toys to buy their love for the next thousand years... it was so cute how you can't tell your daughters apart.
And that quiet, tender moment in the kitchen when I was doing the dishes, and you came up behind me, dry humped my ass, fondled my boobs and slurred "So are we gonna have a root or what?" It took all my willpower to turn you down; to remind you that I'm engaged, happily in love, and that fucking you is about as much fun as being impaled by a very small cocktail frankfurt. I gently informed you that if you didn't stop squeezing my tits like potter's clay I'd have to remove your fingers and feed them to you, and you understood perfectly.
The last time I saw you, you were pulling out of the driveway in the car that used to be your contribution to your children's upbringing. You roared away doing eighty in a sixty zone and laid rubber on my heart.
This Valentines day, I'll be thinking of you.
Alone. And drunk. And staring at an eight seat minivan you have no earthly use for but still have to make payments on.
Love always -
That awful bitch you hate.
User Reviews
Submitted by Fey (user info) at 2007-04-28 12:40:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by c1ndy (user info) at 2005-06-22 17:41:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Bigmike (user info) at 2005-02-13 01:04:52 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Nicely done.
Submitted by Trishtopher (user info) at 2005-02-09 20:48:04 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Made me go RARRRRR!
...success is truly the best revenge
Submitted by JohnGalt (user info) at 2005-02-08 22:02:53 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I hope what you have now is so much better. From the way you talk about it, it is, and that's awesome.
If you want some extra company though, let me know. I'll bring my claws and kitty suit. :-)
Submitted by Rawrg (user info) at 2005-02-08 21:34:54 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Oh my...
Submitted by williamson (user info) at 2005-02-08 21:25:49 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Love it.
Submitted by TragicKingdom (user info) at 2005-02-08 20:56:56 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
that was awesome.
Submitted by LadyPlural (user info) at 2005-02-08 20:42:42 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
http://www.despair.com/bittersweets.html
Submitted by Durae (user info) at 2005-02-08 19:44:52 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
This thoroughly ruined the taste of my peanut butter and blueberry jelly samwich.
Submitted by LadyPlural (user info) at 2005-02-08 18:53:02 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Circe, you dirty fucking slut.
On your knees, bitch. You know how I like it. Oooooohm yeah, that's the spoooooooooooooooooooooooooohhhhhhhhh!!!!
*interesting Noises*
What?
Submitted by Chinaski (user info) at 2005-02-08 17:13:23 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
dick lickingly snoresome
Submitted by screamfeeder (user info) at 2005-02-08 15:45:24 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
He sounds like a winner.
For Shame fool Circe!
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2005-02-08 15:05:03 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I have but one thing to say:
I AM IN LOVEWITH CIRCE'S EYEBROWS.
Seriously, you are bery hot.
Submitted by Stin (user info) at 2005-02-08 14:45:56 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Simply tear-jerking.
Submitted by electrictoothsyndrome (user info) at 2005-02-08 14:44:12 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No wonder you went nuts. Bradradamus says it's about time you found some happiness.
Submitted by thecaes (user info) at 2005-02-08 14:43:41 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Yeesh. That's...horribly rough. I had nothing to do with this, but somehow I feel the need to apologize.
Ye gods.
Submitted by tinactin (user info) at 2005-02-08 14:23:59 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
You bring a tear to my eye
Submitted by ess-arr (user info) at 2005-02-08 14:22:04 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by FilthyAssistant (user info) at 2005-02-08 14:19:59 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Ouch.
Wanna come help me commit various counts of arson and indecent exposure? It'll take the edge off.
Submitted by satchel (user info) at 2005-02-08 14:06:51 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"fucking you is about as much fun as being impaled by a very small cocktail frankfurt."
Perfect.
Submitted by Snark (user info) at 2005-02-08 13:57:10 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"We moved in together and you knocked me up one night when I forgot to chain my legs closed before I fell asleep."
That's how babies are made!!!
Submitted by Teephphah (user info) at 2005-02-08 13:53:27 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Dear God! How young were you?
I agree with what the Jedi said, I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
I think . . . I think it might be the later.
Submitted by drfeggphd (user info) at 2005-02-08 13:34:36 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by RamJetMax (user info) at 2005-02-08 12:45:55 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by wookie (user info) at 2005-02-08 12:36:52 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Beautiful.
Submitted by thaumaturge (user info) at 2005-02-08 11:50:57 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Damn scroller. I'm no cad, here's your +2.
Submitted by thaumaturge (user info) at 2005-02-08 11:50:08 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Bubbling with sarcastic hate. I need some visine now.
Submitted by AshK (user info) at 2005-02-08 11:02:31 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"Wanna suck my dick?"
Heehee. I love you
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2005-02-08 10:52:47 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
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Submitted by Circe (user info) at 2005-02-08 10:09:17 (#)
Ranking: 0
Siren - I had 'longing' twice, and 'long' once, and leaving them uneven would have made everyone I know die horribly in something probably involving napalm, magma, and those little umbrellas they give you in sugary drinks.
Best avoided all around.
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2+ if for no other reason.
Submitted by mrwolf (user info) at 2005-02-08 10:49:16 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Circe (user info) at 2005-02-08 09:40:32 (#)
Ranking: 0
DeathJester - I consider "Chick" to be high praise indeed. Thank you!
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chick chick chick chick chick chick chick chick chick chick chick chick chick chick chick chick chick chick chick chick chick chick chick chick chick chick chick chick chick chick chick chick chick chick chick chick chick chick chick chick chick chick chick chick chick chick chick chick chick chick chick chick chick chick chick chick chick chick chick chick chick chick chick chick chick chick chick chick ***Back to the MRR*** chick chick chick chick chick chick chick chick chick chick chick chick chick chick chick chick chick chick chick chick chick chick chick chick chick chick chick chick chick chick chick chick chick chick chick chick chick chick chick chick chick chick chick chick chick chick chick chick chick chick chick chick chick chick chick chick chick chick chick chick chick chick chick chick chick chick chick chick
Submitted by Caulaincourt (user info) at 2005-02-08 10:47:34 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
that's fiction right? I mean, there are still men like that?
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2005-02-08 10:33:08 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
WOW!
Submitted by Millie_Grace (user info) at 2005-02-08 10:18:26 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
brilliant
Submitted by Circe (user info) at 2005-02-08 10:09:17 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Siren - I had 'longing' twice, and 'long' once, and leaving them uneven would have made everyone I know die horribly in something probably involving napalm, magma, and those little umbrellas they give you in sugary drinks.
Best avoided all around.
Submitted by Siren (user info) at 2005-02-08 10:03:54 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Was the "(long)" in your title describing the length of the post or reiterating just how gone your ex-husband is?
Submitted by pen_name (user info) at 2005-02-08 09:54:52 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
tried to come up with a million jokes, and all i got to say is...
at least he'll probably die first...(aheeb, aheeb, a--that's all folks!)
Submitted by Ivy (user info) at 2005-02-08 09:54:18 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Now I feel all warm and fuzzy
Submitted by creep_firebombing (user info) at 2005-02-08 09:47:10 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
There are now words for love (or possibly lust) I feel for you.
"Aw! When do I get to slobber bear on Lynnie's tits?!?!"
Submitted by QueenAshlee (user info) at 2005-02-08 09:42:02 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
This is true beauty.
Submitted by Circe (user info) at 2005-02-08 09:40:32 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
DeathJester - I consider "Chick" to be high praise indeed. Thank you!
Submitted by DeathJester (user info) at 2005-02-08 09:37:23 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Chick... You're awesome.
("Chick" is a term of endearment from me, and should not be taken as defamaroty).
Submitted by Soley_Trinity (user info) at 2005-02-08 09:29:59 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
The one that got away.
Thankfully.
Submitted by Circe (user info) at 2005-02-08 09:28:12 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by mrwolf (user info) at 2005-02-08 09:24:51 (#)
Ranking: 2
Wow... I don't know whether you intended this as funny or whether its just the easiest way to communicate what is a truly sad story.
__________
A little of both, with a healthy dose of venom mixed in.
Submitted by Coyote (user info) at 2005-02-08 09:26:17 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I'll never look at cocktail weenies the same way again.
Submitted by mrwolf (user info) at 2005-02-08 09:24:51 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Wow... I don't know whether you intended this as funny or whether its just the easiest way to communicate what is a truly sad story. Forget him, what a fucking asshole.
Almost makes me wanna quit drinking for fear of beoming that bum... almost.
Submitted by Ainkara (user info) at 2005-02-08 09:19:33 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by TigerLilly (user info) at 2005-02-08 09:17:18 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Awsome.
Submitted by Pentameter (user info) at 2005-02-08 09:14:54 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Too fucking good.
You rule.
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2005-02-08 09:06:49 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
We moved in together and you knocked me up one night when I forgot to chain my legs closed before I fell asleep. """"
Har Har Har Har
Peener.
Submitted by TheJedi (user info) at 2005-02-08 09:06:48 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Don't know whether to laugh or to cry... Happy Valentine's Day... God Bless
Submitted by AlwaysAnEagle (user info) at 2005-02-08 09:05:38 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Ahh love.
Submitted by Jay_Bassman (user info) at 2005-02-08 09:03:34 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Awesome. A post that fantastically evil makes me want to be your groupie. Just so I can learn something for when I actually decide to post something.
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2005-02-08 08:59:17 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Pure unadulterated evil.
It brought a tear to my eye.
Submitted by TheSpook (user info) at 2005-02-08 08:56:49 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Makes me want to get married and have children.
Submitted by Merlina (user info) at 2005-02-08 08:52:01 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
hehehe
Submitted by Megso (user info) at 2005-02-08 08:42:38 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Great imagery - reminds me of some of my finer romances
Submitted by JMG114 (user info) at 2005-02-08 08:40:21 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Bitch.