It’s Not You, It’s Me (1180 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1.48 on 44 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by 1Point21Gigawatts (View user info) at 2005-02-08 13:46:23 EST
So I haven't found good companionship in the last eleven months or so, and I've been doing a reflection into my past to try and make sense of it all. Where did it all go wrong? What has happened to make my life a never-ending string of seemingly successful relationships that end up in failure?
To truly understand it all, I need to go back to the beginning. My memory is hazy, and I'm not sure this will ever make it to publication. But at least I can satisfy my scientific nature by performing an analysis on papers. Let see where it takes us.
Girlfriend 1: Eighth Grade
The first girl I actually called my girlfriend was Michelle. Michelle was well liked by nearly everyone. She loved to have fun, she could make people laugh, she was well liked and she was cool. The only problem was, she was ugly.
So I guess I'll blame this one on me for being shallow and breaking up with her for a hotter chick. Score: Me 1, Girlfriends 0
Girlfriend 2: Ninth Grade
This was one of those best-friends-turn-romantic relationships. She was really a sweet girl, very pretty and outgoing. In fact, she was too pretty and outgoing, making me the ugly one this time.
This can be blamed on her since I wasn't a good accessory. Score: Me 1, Girls 1
Girlfriend 3: Tenth Grade
It's never a good idea to date an eleventh grader when you're in tenth grade. By far more experienced than me, I was introduced to titty-fucking and salad-tossing at the tender age of 15. She was also of Hispanic descent, which was really cool, except my parent's thought she was a bad girl. She was, in fact, exactly that. She got in trouble for fist fighting, smoking weed, drinking, skipping class, and all sorts of other shit that I did but was able to keep quiet about.
I'd blame my parents but it was really my fault, I could've disobeyed my mother and continued seeing her, but I was getting bored of it anyway. Score: Me 2, Girls 1
Girlfriend 4: Eleventh - Twelve Grade
My first true love, we lost our virginity together and fucked like jackrabbits everyday until we broke up. We lasted for 18 months, all the way until the summer before I went to college, when she cheated on me with a good friend of mine and I hooked up with her best friend (who later became Girlfriend 10) to get back at her. The girl went psycho, tried to commit suicide and was later diagnosed with Social Anxiety Disorder and started taking pills and sleeping with every guy I knew.
Obviously the blame is easy to put on her. Score: Me 2, Girls 2
Girlfriend 5: Freshman Year College
Annie. Sweet, innocent, fresh into college and inexperienced with men. She was Jewish, and I'm not, so her dad told her to stop dating me after a month. She did the rebel thing and stayed with me until Christmas break, when I'm sure her entire family ganged up on her for touching a Catholic boy. Then she broke up with me when we got back.
Blame her! Score: Me 2, Girls 3
Girlfriend 6: Sophomore Year College
This chick drove past me in her Saab over summer break and I was in love. I saw her all over town and had to have her. At some point, I found out that she knew a friend of mine, and that was all it took. I took her virginity within 2 months, and fell in love again. She went to school in NYC and I went in Boston, but Boston is a shitty city so I made my way to NYC at least once a month to see her, and she came out to Boston every so often to make that place not seem so terrible. It was great.
She broke up with me slightly before I went on Spring Break to Daytona, because she didn't want me to go. She and I became friends with benefits after that, and we kept that up for a while, and the last time we had sex was last July. Score: Me 2, Girls 4.
Girlfriend 7: Summer after Sophomore Year Part I
Lauren. Hot as all hell, tall, voluptuous, and sexy. My friend's girlfriend, who made it her goal to set me up that summer, hooked this one up. I don't exactly remember why we stopped hanging out, I think it just fizzled away and we parted friends. To this day, I still say that I'd marry her in a heartbeat.
No blame. Score remains unchanged.
Girlfriend 8: Summer after Sophomore Year Part II
I'm a HUGE idiot for this one. I saw this girl perform in a play along side my friend's girlfriend (see above), and she had the lead. She was beautiful, a tall redhead with an amazing voice and a bubbly personality. She came out with me after the play and we had an amazing time. She told me she was 17, which was young, but I had just turned 20 and the age difference wasn't so bad, really. We got along really well, and although the relationship didn't get too hot and heavy because of her age, it was still very fun. Then I found out she lied about her age, she was only 16! Not only that, but she had just turned 16. Totally freaked me out. Then she asked if I would mind taking her virginity. I told her I would, but I was really just stalling. I went back to school and stopped calling her.
Why am I such an idiot? Seems like a smart thing not to be involved in some statutory shit, right? Well, this past fall, I was in a local bar and all of my friends were checking out this knock-out woman. Full C-cup breasts, an amazing smile, just really sexy. Yup, it was her! She was with her boyfriend, who looks like a douche bag. She is 20 now and goes to acting school in NYC. Blame is definitely on me. Score: Me 3, Girls 4.
Girlfriend 9: Junior Year
By far one of the oddest relationships of my life. As with many other girls on this list, I've written many a story regarding our relationship. This was a southern belle, from Alabama, still a virgin in her sophomore year at college. She was busy with the sorority thing and I was busy with my band, so we hung out in the wee hours of the morning. We broke up for almost a full year, where I never dated anyone seriously, and when we got back together she asked me to take her virginity. I did that, then it turns out later that she'd been letting guys fuck her in the ass to save her hymenal virginity, and she then she slept with my bandmate while I was on Spring Break in Montreal (with four girls).
Both break ups were her fault, but I'll lump it onto one. Score: Me 3, Girls 5.
Girlfriend 10: Post College Year 1 and 2
I loved this girl. I loved her more than anyone other girl I've ever known. She, by far, took the cake in all "best of" categories: looks, brains, sense of humor, charisma, success, intelligence; you name it, she had it all. God, she was amazing. She and I first became romantically involved right after high school, and it took us well over four years to become official. The first year of our relationship was great. Then we moved in together in a new town and it all went to hell. I made friends in our new situation easily, while she made very few. She went out on her own, flirted with other men, got their numbers, and never saw anything wrong with it. She called me jealous and gave me tons of shit. Technically, I was the one who physically called off the relationship, but that's because she spent hours on the phone with me arguing about how terrible our relationship was and she never seemed to have the guts to pull the plug, so I just did it.
I'm still putting the blame on her, though. Score: Me 3, Girls 6.
Girlfriend 11: Early Summer 2004
We got along great until her friend caught me making out with my dream girl (Girlfriend 7) at Star Room out in the Hamptons. Damn, that was a fun night.
Blame on me. Score: Me 4, Girls 5
Girlfriend 12: Summer and Fall 2004
She was smart and successful, very cute but extremely short and unbelievably annoying. She makes more money than me and thinks I'm cheap, pays for almost nothing and lives in the city. In October she broke it off with me since she didn't think the relationship would ever get serious. Then last month she slept with me and said she broke up with me because she thought she was pregnant (it would've been mine) and she didn't want to have to deal with me, but it turns out her pill was just fucking with her cycle. I got freaked out and haven't called her since.
Hard to call this one, but the blame should really be on me since I've stopped calling her and I avoid her calls as well. Score: Me 5, Girls 6.
So there you have it. It's not me, it's them! I guess I have nothing to worry about. Fuck it, why don't you just check out this logo?
![121GIGAWATTS[1].jpg (61 kB)](http://stuff.ubersite.com/1107888383451119708/1/121GIGAWATTS[1].jpg)
User Reviews
Submitted by Dustbrother (user info) at 2005-02-14 19:27:27 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Its not you ITS SANTA!!!
Submitted by 1Point21Gigawatts (user info) at 2005-02-10 11:10:13 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by yermom (user info) at 2005-02-09 17:39:20 (#)
Ranking: 2
I call shenanigans, there aren't that many virgin girls around.
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Holy shit you called shenanigans! You need to check out my 100th post anniversary!
Submitted by yermom (user info) at 2005-02-09 17:39:20 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I call shenanigans, there aren't that many virgin girls around.
Submitted by Herpes (user info) at 2005-02-09 16:18:19 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Me: 2, Girls: infinitybajillion.
Submitted by MyNameIsTim (user info) at 2005-02-09 04:20:10 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
kids these days...
Submitted by 1Point21Gigawatts (user info) at 2005-02-08 23:05:19 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by bob (user info) at 2005-02-08 18:17:21 (#)
Ranking: 2
doug- you got an aim?
id like to hear of your experience at Tufts.
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Yeah bob/chris, it's dgboarder1 (est. with AOL in 1993 - how's that for classic?)
Submitted by lordofthedance (user info) at 2005-02-08 18:19:49 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I can't even remember further back than a year ago. +2 for even remembering your highschool girlfriends.
Submitted by bob (user info) at 2005-02-08 18:17:21 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
doug- you got an aim?
id like to hear of your experience at Tufts.
Submitted by 1Point21Gigawatts (user info) at 2005-02-08 17:18:58 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Caulaincourt (user info) at 2005-02-08 16:09:54 (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm canadian...I just speak the language godamn it!
But it's all right since I AM all right.
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I know, dude, but you defend the place all the time.
And Jimmy, you should make your presence known if you've been on Uber since 1987, I don't think anyone knows who you are or is familiar with any of your work.
Submitted by Nicole3 (user info) at 2005-02-08 16:48:57 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
I wouldn't even think abou it if I were you.
Nice logo.
Submitted by Jimmy (user info) at 2005-02-08 16:22:15 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Welcome to uber? I was on uber while you were still eating assholes :)
And caulincourt, i will hire you as my body double to step in whenever my big mouth earns me a 5 man beat down (frequently)
Submitted by Caulaincourt (user info) at 2005-02-08 16:11:02 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Would you fight a man with arms THAT big, uh? http://www.ubersite.com/m/58766
Uh?
(Lame attempt at talking shit)
Submitted by Caulaincourt (user info) at 2005-02-08 16:09:54 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm canadian...I just speak the language godamn it!
But it's all right since I AM all right.
Submitted by c1ndy (user info) at 2005-02-08 15:52:05 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by 1Point21Gigawatts (user info) at 2005-02-08 15:50:18 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Caulaincourt (user info) at 2005-02-08 15:42:06 (#)
Ranking: 2
w00t! Make sure you break a couple of my ribs and my clavicle. Go easy on the face though.
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I don't care what these other American Uberers say about the French, I think you're allll-right.
Submitted by girlintheworld (user info) at 2005-02-08 15:50:16 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
This post. With a bullet.
Submitted by Caulaincourt (user info) at 2005-02-08 15:42:06 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
w00t! Make sure you break a couple of my ribs and my clavicle. Go easy on the face though.
Submitted by 1Point21Gigawatts (user info) at 2005-02-08 15:38:50 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by epiphany (user info) at 2005-02-08 15:32:57 (#)
Ranking: 1
Lets say the girl, in the course of the relationship, gets fat. Is it your fault for breaking up with her, or her fault for ballooning?
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Her fault - if she was skinny when you met her, it's probably a good reason for why you got together in the first place. Therefore, if she gets fat, it's like a null and void of the relationship. Luckily, this never happened to me. Did it happen to you?
Oh and Caulaincourt, we can battle right after I fuck little Jimmy's mother in the ass - that way your chances will be much greater since I will be tired from all the sex. I don't think I'll get too tired smashing his face in though, I bet that will be easy.
Submitted by epiphany (user info) at 2005-02-08 15:32:57 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Lets say the girl, in the course of the relationship, gets fat. Is it your fault for breaking up with her, or her fault for ballooning?
Submitted by BoogieFevuh (user info) at 2005-02-08 15:32:11 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Good stuff, as usual.
Man, what's with people trying to out-do you after reading this?
And on a side note, did you know I lost my virginity at the age of 4?
.....to you?
Submitted by Caulaincourt (user info) at 2005-02-08 15:27:12 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"Hey Jimmy, welcome to Ubersite. I would love to smash your face in with my bare fists, the warm blood spewing out all over me. Then I'd like for your mother to come by and I'll fuck her in her loose ass in a pool of your blood. After it's all done, I'll take your lifeless body and feed it to my neighbor's dog, Buster, who is a medium sized German-Shephard / Boxer mix. After that, I'll write about it on Ubersite and be further heralded for ridding the site of you so quickly.
So how about it, can I have your real name and address, please? "
Hey, can I replace him? When I'm done fighting you, girls will rush to my hospital bed and do me right there for my courageous attempt. I have foreseen this scenario.
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2005-02-08 15:23:00 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
all righty then
Submitted by 1Point21Gigawatts (user info) at 2005-02-08 15:19:49 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Jimmy (user info) at 2005-02-08 15:02:10 (#)
Ranking: -2
read up to the part where you toss someones salad- how could you admit to that, but more importantly how the fuck could you do that in the first place? I'll tell you how, your bent as a crow bar.
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Hey Jimmy, welcome to Ubersite. I would love to smash your face in with my bare fists, the warm blood spewing out all over me. Then I'd like for your mother to come by and I'll fuck her in her loose ass in a pool of your blood. After it's all done, I'll take your lifeless body and feed it to my neighbor's dog, Buster, who is a medium sized German-Shephard / Boxer mix. After that, I'll write about it on Ubersite and be further heralded for ridding the site of you so quickly.
So how about it, can I have your real name and address, please?
Submitted by espo (user info) at 2005-02-08 15:19:15 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
i gotta +2 this just for the fact that i broke up with my g/f this past weekend.
ATTN GHEY MENZ!
Submitted by Jimmy (user info) at 2005-02-08 15:02:10 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
read up to the part where you toss someones salad- how could you admit to that, but more importantly how the fuck could you do that in the first place? I'll tell you how, your bent as a crow bar.
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2005-02-08 14:50:26 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
dude, you bang a lot of virgins - how do you manage that in this day and age?
Xcellent logo, as well.
Submitted by AwesomeJohnson (user info) at 2005-02-08 14:48:48 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
shit and fuck.
Submitted by AwesomeJohnson (user info) at 2005-02-08 14:48:36 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
sweet. i dig the logo too. i'd wear it as a tshirt until i had to tell someone what it meant.. uhhh..some dude on the internet..yeah..he made a logo for himeself...and i'm wearing it... what do you mean "get out of the car?" what do you mean "i'm psycho"...what do you mean "screetching tires"?
Submitted by 1Point21Gigawatts (user info) at 2005-02-08 14:42:08 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by tinactin (user info) at 2005-02-08 14:19:45 (#)
Ranking: 2
This reminds me a bit of High Fidelity
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It's one of my favorite movies (although not my top five)
Submitted by Pentameter (user info) at 2005-02-08 14:33:42 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by ess-arr (user info) at 2005-02-08 14:25:16 (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by tinactin (user info) at 2005-02-08 14:19:45 (#)
Ranking: 2
This reminds me a bit of High Fidelity
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very much so
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Indeed.
I enjoyed reading this....
Submitted by ess-arr (user info) at 2005-02-08 14:25:16 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by tinactin (user info) at 2005-02-08 14:19:45 (#)
Ranking: 2
This reminds me a bit of High Fidelity
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very much so
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2005-02-08 14:21:18 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
What the heck are you going to do once you get married?
Submitted by tinactin (user info) at 2005-02-08 14:19:45 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
This reminds me a bit of High Fidelity
Submitted by 1Point21Gigawatts (user info) at 2005-02-08 14:19:34 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by wtf_is_going_on (user info) at 2005-02-08 14:12:45 (#)
Ranking: 2
Dang, it took you a while to lose your virginity.
I was only in 7th grade when I lost mine.
I probably have ALOT more experience than you!
But no problem, if you need any pointers, I can teach you some things.
+10 cause this was pretty good. Awesome job.
Remember: e-mail me when you need some pointers.
+10 again.
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You do realize that I am 25, right?
I only WISH I had the morals today that I held back in High School: at least then I wanted to be in love with a chick before I slept with her, now I'll just take anything home with me and not call it the next day. I wish I had waited longer than 11th grade.
See my previous post about how kids nowadays are getting laid at ridiculously young ages.
I was getting head in 7th grade, which is bad enough as it is...
Submitted by pantsarestupid (user info) at 2005-02-08 14:15:51 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
You live in the city still? Maybe you're just not dating the right ones?
Submitted by wtf_is_going_on (user info) at 2005-02-08 14:12:45 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Dang, it took you a while to lose your virginity.
I was only in 7th grade when I lost mine.
I probably have ALOT more experience than you!
But no problem, if you need any pointers, I can teach you some things.
+10 cause this was pretty good. Awesome job.
Remember: e-mail me when you need some pointers.
+10 again.
Submitted by wardy (user info) at 2005-02-08 14:03:34 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Everything you ever wanted to know about HZRD
User id: 15866
Registered on or around: 2005-01-26 14:27:11
# Messages posted: 9
# Reviews written: 90
# Times these posts have been reviewed : 121
# Hits: 2328
Average rating of all messages: 0.46
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in other words: ATTN: GHEY MENZ
Submitted by Lechuga (user info) at 2005-02-08 14:01:53 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Glad to know you're putting all the blame on the women. Carol Richards would be pleased.
Is that going to be your new superhero logo? Mine's just a head of lettuce.
Submitted by HZRD (user info) at 2005-02-08 13:59:32 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
-1 for stealing my logo, you jerk. not really but hey
-1 for making me think back on all my past relationships god damn it. bitter bitter bitter
Submitted by ess-arr (user info) at 2005-02-08 13:58:45 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
If you ever hit Montreal again... drop a line.
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On a side note, I used your the ---It's not you, it's me-- line yesterday. great girl and it was all me. I like the scoreboard track. I may organize myself one.
Submitted by TigerLilly (user info) at 2005-02-08 13:56:37 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"then it turns out later that she'd been letting guys fuck her in the ass to save her hymenal virginity"
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I just don't understand that philosophy.
Submitted by WhatTheHell (user info) at 2005-02-08 13:56:25 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Exactamundo !!
Submitted by CJRipley (user info) at 2005-02-08 13:51:52 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Nice logo
Submitted by wardy (user info) at 2005-02-08 13:48:59 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
This is too long for me to read right now, but it looks like it ruled, judging by the title, length, and captions for the sections.
way to go, 1.21