Crimes Against Humanity Volume 2 - The White Rasta (1957 hits)
Category: HumorRating: 1.88 on 20 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by bossk <emangevine.at.yahoo.com> (View user info) at 2005-02-08 17:25:40 EST
Volume 1: http://www.ubersite.com/m/58664
Welcome to volume 2 of "Crimes Against Humanity". Today we explore the gut-wrenching idiocy of the White Rasta. If you live in a college town or city, you've seen this guy: scuzzy blond dreadlocks hanging around his dirty face, or tucked up in one of those red, gold, and green knit scrotums they like to wear on their heads. He trails a funk of marijuana fumes and unwashed ass at all times. He usually has a wife and one or two ratty kids following him around, though he refuses to talk to any of them.
Now, plenty of people like a little Bob Marley from time to time, but this guy takes it a couple steps too far, into "wannabe" status. If he liked hip-hop, he'd be a wigger. But instead he follows an obscure religion that follows the tenets outlined in this passage:
"Early Rastafarians considered Haile Selassie the living God who fulfilled a prophecy of Marcus Garvey. In the early 1900s, Garvey was an American black nationalist who tried to form a "back to Africa movement." He hoped this would culminate in the establishment of an independent African country made up of Americans who have African ancestry. Garvey's prophecy reportedly said, "Look to Africa, where a black king shall be crowned, for the day of deliverance is near."
Does this sound like a place where your narrow white ass will be welcome, Chet? I don't care how many Afrikaa Bambataa records you own; you are going to be everybody's ass-pony if this prophecy ever comes true. Your stash might be from Negril, but your ass is from Skokie, so you're just not going to make the cut. Sorry, better luck next time.
And while we're on the subject, you don't really have to jump on a whole new religion just because they consider weed to be a holy sacrament. Many people smoke it just for fun, including Deadheads, Mall-Rat preteens, and former president Bill Clinton. If you need to go to church to legitimize your shake, I guess that's up to you.
All I ask is that you cut back on the patchouli deoderant - you're giving me an asthma attack.
User Reviews
Submitted by Adamdidit2u (user info) at 2005-02-16 14:06:12 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
patchouli
ugh!
Submitted by Girlwithaclue (user info) at 2005-02-09 17:32:11 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Fuck I hate the smell of patchouli
Submitted by bossk (user info) at 2005-02-09 17:17:56 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by HillBoyJr (user info) at 2005-02-09 16:56:39 (#)
Ranking: 1
what about if they dress their winter bodies in summer clothes?
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You are intentionally ruining my +2 streaks. I don't want you to review me any more....
Mon.
Submitted by HillBoyJr (user info) at 2005-02-09 16:56:39 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
what about if they dress their winter bodies in summer clothes?
Submitted by bossk (user info) at 2005-02-09 13:16:00 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Jungle_Jimanee (user info) at 2005-02-09 11:55:10 (#)
Ranking: 2
As long as this does not include girls, who in my book should be allowed to have white dreads (this comes from seeing two of such specimens at a recent party, they truly where the fittest of things)
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Fact: Hot girls are allowed to break ANY rule I post in this series, as long as it does not compromise their hotness.
Submitted by Jungle_Jimanee (user info) at 2005-02-09 11:55:10 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
As long as this does not include girls, who in my book should be allowed to have white dreads (this comes from seeing two of such specimens at a recent party, they truly where the fittest of things)
Submitted by jack11058 (user info) at 2005-02-09 11:43:07 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Judoka (user info) at 2005-02-08 20:55:51 (#)
Ranking: 2
This is a really good series.
Submitted by indoninja (user info) at 2005-02-09 11:26:07 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Teephphah (user info) at 2005-02-09 09:23:28 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Fuck you mon! The Honorable Robert Nesta Marley, O.M., was a prophet!
Sure, maybe sometimes my bruddas call me a blue-eyed-devil, but dat's not de point mon.
White devil like you could neva undastand.
Submitted by Timmah (user info) at 2005-02-08 22:52:37 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
B@W!
Submitted by thecaes (user info) at 2005-02-08 22:28:23 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 because it's fun to hate people!
Submitted by FATMANTPK (user info) at 2005-02-08 21:45:23 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Judoka (user info) at 2005-02-08 20:55:51 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
This is a really good series.
Submitted by bossk (user info) at 2005-02-08 19:32:03 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by EbolaMay (user info) at 2005-02-08 17:53:47 (#)
Ranking: 2
University of Michigan. I dunno how these guys have the 1) money or 2) G.P.A. to school here, but there are plenty of em.
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Well, I'm sure they're all rich kids from the suburbs. Like most trend-jumpers.
Submitted by HZRD (user info) at 2005-02-08 18:42:37 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
fucking patchouli bastards
Submitted by Pentameter (user info) at 2005-02-08 18:29:21 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Hahahahaha! So true.
Submitted by wardy (user info) at 2005-02-08 18:18:55 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
britney spears topless!!!12!!#eleven http://www.ubersite.com/m/59041
Submitted by pen_name (user info) at 2005-02-08 18:08:58 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
yeah, mahn.
Submitted by EbolaMay (user info) at 2005-02-08 17:53:47 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
University of Michigan. I dunno how these guys have the 1) money or 2) G.P.A. to school here, but there are plenty of em.
Submitted by forensicgirl3 (user info) at 2005-02-08 17:33:09 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
When I was an Undergraduate, I had to sit next to one of these guys in a PoliSci class. I don't think the guy ever bathed.
It was an extremely nasty experience and I still have nightmares to this day.