the roommate (617 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1.17 on 20 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by madnessdance (View user info) at 2005-02-08 21:57:30 EST
Alrighty. After the shittiness that was my first post, I have concluded that I must do penance by posting some utterly original material. Only in the form of bitching can this be achieved.
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Roommates can be the coolest folks you meet in your adult life. They may also turn you into psychotic killing machines with their endless bullshit. I find myself bordering the latter. I cannot stand my roommate and have decided to spare other potential roommates of hers from suffering in the same fashion. Before I ask for your suggestions, allow me to enlighten you to the character of the person I shall refer to as "C."
C is not the most reliable person in the world. This I have no problem with, unless she insists on using my shit and it falls off the face of the planet. I have not seen an entire set of my dinnerware for 3 months. My worst fear, as yet unconfirmed but becoming undeniable, some of my very best undergarments have gone missing. I hate that bitch.
In my dorm hall there is this cute little no smoking rule that states we cannot have candles, cigarettes, hot plates...basically anything that can start a fire-that's reasonable. C is one of those badass bitches that completely ignores shit like that. She showed up on move-in day (keep in mind all this shit is listed in the room contract) loaded up with nasty dollar-store candles and like fifty of those Bic lighters, which she then proceeded to dump on the floor for all to see. There was no problem with this. I just told to move that shit out or it would get moved for her. Then she took to lighting up right in the room, on her bed (which is lofted), right underneath the goddamn smoke detector. Captain Obvious failed to note that. She set off the fucking alarm the first week and earned us both a citation. Fucking brilliant.
C also has no business being in college. She doesn't go to half of her classes and plays computer games instead of crackin' those books to make up for it. She also speaks a very strange version of English that I have never encountered until this year...very close to ebonics but not quite. Spelling isn't a strong point either. I'm no fucking genius, but I can pull out a dictionary when the need arises. The bitch calls my cell phone when I'm in class to ask me shit like that. When I'm trying to read she'll poke her head over my desk every fifteen minutes to ask me some dumbass question. Today one of my favorites was "hey, why do women have periods?"...coming from an 18yr old with a rabid sex life. It's called puberty, it happened to you and I'm sure they talked about in 6th grade. Or hey, since you're on the compter so much, why don't you force those two brain cells together and google it. Try some of that magic shit called learning, it's a wonderful thing. People like her should be sterilized.
I failed to see on her package that my very own C comes with an attached boyfriend. This was not an issue-- at first. I love men, I cannot live without mine. But this motherfucker is at the bottom of the chain. He lives a few minutes away from campus and insists on driving here all the time to see her, even though she spends every weekend there and call him everyday. The kicker is, she pays for all his gas, buys his cigarettes (even though his dad owns his own company and can pony up the cash) and doesn't seem to notice that he goes for weeks without showering. This asshole smells like a damn dump. There would be no problem if he just visited and left-but then he is a leeching cock. He spends the night in our tiny ass dorm room at least 3 times a week. He eats my food (I opted out of a meal plan to save money), lays on my bed when I go to class, and throws garbage wherever he wants. In this prison cell that is our room, a third person with no sense of hygiene is a fucking nightmare. Lastly, is their sex life. When I found out about my "other" rommate, I insisted on one rule: do not fuck when I am in the room. Yeah. Everytime that asshole spends the night I wake up to them going at it. I hope those two get some fucked up disease and pass it back-n-forth (by the way, she sleeps around too).
So, in conclusion, C is a filthy, lazy, retarded, crusty-cock fucking whore and annoying bitch with a matching boyfriend. I'm going to kill them both before the end of the semester to prevent the spread of their genes and the posibility of someone else picking up their habits. I need suggestions and seek out the boundless knowledge of Über in my plight. Please help!!
User Reviews
Submitted by HZRD (user info) at 2005-02-09 12:52:40 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
"Everytime that asshole spends the night I wake up to them going at it....(by the way, she sleeps around too)."
You should get a camera and quietly get out of bed, grab it, and sneak up to them (if she's in a lofted bed, get on a chair duh). Yell out "Now THIS is a Kodak moment! WHOOOOOOOO!" I'd have a contingency plan that involved running to the local Wal-Mart or CVS to get it developed right then and there. It would be KEY if you could snap a photo of her doing it with some random dude and then show it to the crust-cock boyfriend. Then he'd never come back and you could burn your roomie; those 2 birds would go down like some Thai hoookers.
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p.s. - I'm sure if you complained enough to the housing authority on campus or to your RA you could move, maybe even into a single... WOOT.
Submitted by etbeliever (user info) at 2005-02-09 11:42:55 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Too true. Nothing on a former housemate of mine who had the matching boyfriend, but also a 'princess' complex and a nasty lil' drug habit. Only person in the world I hate. But I never had to share a room with her I guess....Move out while you can.
Submitted by Adamdidit2u (user info) at 2005-02-09 11:34:19 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
yea, sorry we'll stop fucking on your bed then ok?
Submitted by wtf_is_going_on (user info) at 2005-02-09 11:29:40 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Just don't get too attached to your roommate
cause you may come out gay!
Believe me, I've seen it!
Submitted by TigerLilly (user info) at 2005-02-09 09:50:57 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by MandaPanda (user info) at 2005-02-08 22:04:55 (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 because I know exactly what you're talking about.
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Yup!
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2005-02-09 09:34:21 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
oh the memories of college...
Submitted by Jeanneee (user info) at 2005-02-09 08:40:49 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Makes me glad I roomed with a friend from high school. I can't imagine living in one of those little dorm-room cells with some gross stranger. *shudder*
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2005-02-09 07:29:20 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by thecaes (user info) at 2005-02-08 23:45:33 (#)
Ranking: 1
Good post, but I would have liked it better if you made fun of her more, and in a more clever/hateful fashion. As for possible revenge suggestions, it all depends on how nasty you want to be. From not nasty at all (call her a big jerkyhead) to pure fucking evil (sabotage her birth control).
Harsh but brilliant. Or you could just tell her boyfreind his girlfreind is cheating on him, alternativly say they both attacked and raped you.
Submitted by hungovermondays (user info) at 2005-02-09 02:39:20 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
live off campus.
Submitted by matrix2681 (user info) at 2005-02-09 00:04:57 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Yes, kill them both. Get a heavy rubber apron, some work boots you don't mind "losing", gloves and I dunno, put down some newspapers or something.
Submitted by Jeffisland1 (user info) at 2005-02-08 23:55:50 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
That's cool I guess. I like the ending. When you kill them. I like killing and dead people.
Submitted by thecaes (user info) at 2005-02-08 23:45:33 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Good post, but I would have liked it better if you made fun of her more, and in a more clever/hateful fashion. As for possible revenge suggestions, it all depends on how nasty you want to be. From not nasty at all (call her a big jerkyhead) to pure fucking evil (sabotage her birth control).
Oooh! Actually, figure out a way to give her genital herpes. If the boyfriend isn't a total moron, he'll visit less often. By the sounds of it, she'll probably contract that on her own before too long anyways.
Submitted by madnessdance (user info) at 2005-02-08 23:04:12 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
durae--she was sitting right under the alarm, blowing the smoke right into it. she is not the brightest crayon in the box. normally the alarms don't pick up cigarette smoke, but she was like 6 inches away from it.....there should be a screening process for roommates!
Submitted by Durae (user info) at 2005-02-08 22:59:15 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
why do they do make us live with random strangers?! and last time i checked cigarette smoke doesn't set off fire alarms (i also live in a non-smoking room, where i smoke a lot).
Submitted by girlintheworld (user info) at 2005-02-08 22:39:19 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Except mine had knitting needles.
Submitted by girlintheworld (user info) at 2005-02-08 22:38:51 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Because I've been there.
Submitted by enraged_baboon (user info) at 2005-02-08 22:31:32 EST (#)
Ranking: -1
YOU ARE SPECIAL
Submitted by JohosaPhaTZ (user info) at 2005-02-08 22:18:38 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
C....THE C?
Sleeps around?
She sleeps everywhere.
Submitted by Joemama (user info) at 2005-02-08 22:07:15 EST (#)
Ranking: -1
-1 on 1 review
and............/\
Submitted by MandaPanda (user info) at 2005-02-08 22:04:55 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 because I know exactly what you're talking about.