Never suck liquified peas from a toothless man's mouth. (2058 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1.95 on 47 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Tinactin (View user info) at 2005-02-09 15:02:56 EST
As it turns out, I'm full of hate. Not the kind of hate that ends in self-pity and calling phone sex hotlines as "The Wiz", but rather that which one might find in that middle-aged sea hag who just discovered a lack of Vanilla Nut flavored cream for her cup of 7-11 coffee. And you know the guy at the counter is about to take some shit but you stand there, unable to help the situation because you'll be damned if you assist an Arabian.
I tried to be a calm, rational person. But then my girlfriend sent me flowers at work. I happen to believe that no man should ever receive flowers, and that includes botanists and homosexuals. I'll make exceptions for the dead and Triple Crown winning jockeys. Hell, go ahead and throw in male horses in general. And Hawaiians. No, I take that back. Fuck Hawaiians.
It sent me into a bit of what you might call a downturn mood. For lunch we went to one of those restaurants where you can get the bowl of soup and 1/2 sandwich for a reasonable price, which would normally improve my spirits a bit. Except for the fact that my impatience cost me the usage of my tongue and everything tasted like scratches. I'd imagine my soup eating experience is similar to that of providing oral sex to an astronaut during re-entry.
There is a point when you feel the weight of everything bearing down on you to the extent where you can hardly move or react to life at all. And once you reach that place it's kind of difficult to pull yourself up by the bootstraps. How am I supposed to seize the day when I'm stuck at a desk or in traffic on the 405? It was not an afternoon delight, but I don't have to tell you.
I gave up any pretense of overcoming my boiling rage through conventional wisdom and traded my car and the flowers to some guy for his oranges and the plastic bag he uses to carry them and asphyxiate his wife.
And so I walked, lost in the haze of evening pollution, until I ran into Wasabi. For the purposes of this post he's asked me to withhold his actual name. Since his breath has a tendency to dissolve my nostril hair, I find "Wasabi" oddly appropriate.
When I found him he was just a shell of a man, begging for change like a common street peddler. I took him to Denny's, and over a plate of Moons over My Hammy, he explained the philosophy that would change my life.
"You look at me and you see filth", he said.
"Well, I wasn't going to say anything, but now that you mention it, you do stink of decaying flesh."
"Thank you, son, for illustrating my point."
I did a double take.
"Wha...Whah?"
"When you're as pathetic as I am, nothing bothers you. Seriously, what do I have to be angry about? I'm a fucking bum. Do your worst, because if I'm low enough to try and smoke a urine-stained cigarette butt, I'm certainly low enough to take some shit from you. At least if I get some cash out of the arrangement."
(He didn't really speak that eloquently, but he's a bum. He doesn't mind if I manipulate his words.)
I was awed by his complete lack of murderous thoughts.
"You mean if I punch you in the stomach..."
"That's right, I'll merely bend over and request some change. And if you give me a dollar, it's 'thank you sir, may I have another.''
"Do you think it could help me?"
"Do I? Son, before jail and crack, I used to BE you. Come. Let me show you the joys of beggary."
And off we went. The first thing I needed was to look the part. After all, I was never going to earn any money dressed like a normal person. So Wasabi took me to his favorite landfill in preparation.
"Now, dance!"
"What?"
But before I could protest, he was doing that squinty Popeye thing that bums do when their detached retinas aren't floating, and I was doing the Kickworm in a pile of discarded condom wrappers.
When he was convinced I had the proper stench, we were ready to begin begging.
The first thing you should know about panhandling is the proper way to ask for money. It isn't as simple as walking up to someone and saying "hey man, do you have any change", like you see in the movies. Here's an example of the correct way to do it.
"Excuse me, sir"
"No, I'm sorry, I don't have any money on me."
"Wait. If you could get a money giving program which saves you time and keeps you from being propositioned by rotting filth, you'd be interested, wouldn't you?"
"Well, I suppose...I..."
"Great. Give me a dollar now and the next three times I see you, I won't make an approach. It really is your best value."
The key is not to give them an opportunity to say no.
"That sounds fine, but like I said before, I don't have any money right now."
"I understand. Well, we can make an appointment for when you are a bit better prepared. I'll be here all week. What's a better day for you to throw me a bone. Tuesday or Thursday?"
By providing them with a choice, you've forced them into making a decision that fits your needs.
I became a master of these techniques on my first day, and Wasabi was proud to bring me back to the group with a whopping $3.84. If you've never had a Whopper with Cheese, trust me, that's a lot of money. He had me eat two of them before he took me back to his community.
"Wouldn't some of this money be better spent on alcohol?"
"Yes, but we're having a potluck tonight, and I want to impress everyone."
"A potluck?"
"Some of us may receive money for being veterans, while others are given cash because we have shriveled, malformed appendages. The bottom line is whatever the reason we've been blessed, all homeless are equal. Any food or money we get is shared by the group."
"But I already ate my Whopper!"
"I know. That is the downside of being destitute. Generally when we're given food, we can't help but eat it. Come on, you'll see."
It turned out that each of us was required to regurgitate our meals for the day while one of us strolled from person to person removing items of interest from our open mouths. Unfortunately I was the only person who had eaten as much as a Whopper, and I was forced to argue with some scab over some half-digested pizza crust.
All homeless are equal, but some homeless are more equal than others.
It quickly turned ugly, so I'll summarize. I informed them that I could not abide by their Socialist policies, and they called me a member of the Bourgeois. Everything spiraled downward from that point, and it was only then that I realized I could never truly live as a bum. So I returned to my apartment a defeated man and began typing this post.
I haven't neglected my roots, however. The gang and I still meet on Tuesdays at the local soup kitchen, and I'm pleased to announce I haven't burned my mouth a single time since we've started. Here is a picture of us hanging out. Try to figure out which one is me. (Hint: I am on the right). Seriously though, Lentils? What kind of fucking bean is that?
User Reviews
Submitted by Freight_Train (user info) at 2005-02-24 18:59:45 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
i dont get it
Submitted by Unabonger (user info) at 2005-02-24 18:57:01 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"I informed them that I could not abide by their Socialist policies, and they called me a member of the Bourgeois. Everything spiraled downward from that point,"
priceless...
Submitted by A_D_Sweetmeat (user info) at 2005-02-24 18:48:13 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
This is so fucking awesome.
Submitted by Vomit (user info) at 2005-02-15 16:32:09 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
cool beans.
Submitted by Saxon (user info) at 2005-02-11 01:35:17 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Hahahaha oh shit how did i miss this, thank you for bringing this post to my attention man i needed this belly laugh.
Submitted by EAZEDZT (user info) at 2005-02-10 19:13:34 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Odd topic, good writing.
Submitted by MyNameIsTim (user info) at 2005-02-10 15:04:44 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
you complete me.
Submitted by munkeypants (user info) at 2005-02-10 08:27:48 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by mrwolf (user info) at 2005-02-10 04:22:24 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
What the fuck are you talking about Tinactin? Oh right yeah... Bout time you posted god damn it. Now sit and camp and get this post the attention it deserves!
Submitted by williamson (user info) at 2005-02-10 02:19:29 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 for the title alone cause we've all been there.
Submitted by Circe (user info) at 2005-02-10 02:08:46 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
You will if I fucking tell you to.
Submitted by Ed_0150 (user info) at 2005-02-10 01:47:30 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Siren (user info) at 2005-02-10 01:05:03 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Now that the nausea has worn off, I love it! You rock, and you know it.
Submitted by TimeCop (user info) at 2005-02-10 00:36:24 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Snubnoze lives! http://www.ubersite.com/m/59187
Submitted by thecaes (user info) at 2005-02-10 00:15:15 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Your title is good advice.
Submitted by comicbookguy (user info) at 2005-02-09 23:34:14 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
yes
Submitted by jgreening (user info) at 2005-02-09 19:38:35 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Tin, you sacre me, dude...
Seriously.
Submitted by pen_name (user info) at 2005-02-09 18:57:15 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
just when you think you got life figured out, here comes the marxist wino.
Submitted by JMG114 (user info) at 2005-02-09 18:50:44 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Congratulations. You're insane.
Submitted by CanucksFan (user info) at 2005-02-09 18:48:35 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by tinactin (user info) at 2005-02-09 18:39:39 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Bahahaha...just to clarify: I'm not actually in the picture.
Submitted by Durae (user info) at 2005-02-09 18:35:10 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Dude, where's Silent Bob?
Submitted by LadyPlural (user info) at 2005-02-09 17:42:48 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAewwwwww.
Submitted by Adamdidit2u (user info) at 2005-02-09 17:30:43 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
How anybody could make that entertaining is beyond me
GOOD FUCKING JOB
Submitted by Girlwithaclue (user info) at 2005-02-09 17:21:00 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I like..
Submitted by Caulaincourt (user info) at 2005-02-09 17:19:30 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
the title...god
Submitted by NerfHerder (user info) at 2005-02-09 17:14:16 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Just what i needed.
Submitted by CookieLass (user info) at 2005-02-09 17:08:22 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I bet Einstein turned himself all sorts of colors before he invented the
lightbulb.
-- Homer Simpson
Bart the Genius
Submitted by DonkeyOnTheEdge (user info) at 2005-02-09 17:08:08 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I thought a lentil was like a bay leaf. You learn something new every day.
Submitted by Nvtro (user info) at 2005-02-09 16:53:11 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Things that make you go hmmmm....
Submitted by thaumaturge (user info) at 2005-02-09 16:15:21 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Pressing that "Rank" button at the bottom has taken on a whole new meaning for this post.
Submitted by screamfeeder (user info) at 2005-02-09 16:06:57 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Dad?
Submitted by EbolaMay (user info) at 2005-02-09 16:00:41 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Being a new homosexual (thanks to Whathehell) I cordially invite you to fuck me in the ass.
Submitted by Teephphah (user info) at 2005-02-09 15:58:04 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
You make my life seem so boring.
Submitted by EatMeCompletely (user info) at 2005-02-09 15:56:37 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Greatness evidences itself in tough-actin Tinactin. Now, if I could only get rid of this Athlete's foot.
Submitted by TigerLilly (user info) at 2005-02-09 15:55:29 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
OH MY MARY MOTHER OF GOD!!
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2005-02-09 15:52:31 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Regurgitation at it's finest.
Submitted by BoogieFevuh (user info) at 2005-02-09 15:50:05 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
You're my hero
Submitted by 1Point21Gigawatts (user info) at 2005-02-09 15:49:10 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
That's fucking disgusting dude.
Submitted by munkeypants (user info) at 2005-02-09 15:48:25 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
you, sir, should have more reviews than this!!!
Submitted by munkeypants (user info) at 2005-02-09 15:44:02 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by GodLovesALittleLovin (user info) at 2005-02-09 15:09:40 (#)
Ranking: 2
I was fully engorged....
hummina hummina!
Submitted by WhatTheHell (user info) at 2005-02-09 15:32:49 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Uhm......
WOW!
You are a god among men.
Submitted by TimeCop (user info) at 2005-02-09 15:20:23 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Ah, the glory...
Submitted by munkeypants (user info) at 2005-02-09 15:13:15 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
i thought you've been smelling funny lately.
Submitted by GodLovesALittleLovin (user info) at 2005-02-09 15:09:40 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Godamn man, B@W. This was your finest piece.
Sorry about the lack of response last night. I was fully engorged in writing my post yesterday. If it happens again I give you permission to eat my brains.
Submitted by knucklesnelson (user info) at 2005-02-09 15:07:56 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Pentameter (user info) at 2005-02-09 15:05:59 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Hahahahahaha!
So that's where you've been?