Sim-Sim Likes To Boogie (856 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 2 on 21 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by NerfHerder <NerfHerder.at.comic.com> (View user info) at 2005-02-09 16:29:26 EST
Oh, how lucky Pandas are. The giant lumbering diplomats from China enjoy the wonder and awe of millions of zoo patrons every year. Especially here at the regionally renowned Springfield Zoo. We take great care of our great pandas, exclaims out motto. Everyone has their part, no matter how small.
Take me, for example. I'm bamboo.
Nobody ever walks up to the Panda Pit and says,
"Mommy! There's the bamboo! Can we stay and watch it grow? I want to be a bamboo when I grow up mommy!"
"Don't be silly," the mother would respond. "If you were bamboo, you'd grow up too fast for me to love you." She would then lean over and kiss the child on the forehead, experiencing a temporary respite from the child's usual torment. "Now let's go see some inferior vegetation, shall we?"
Oh, that would be the day.
But instead, the children always flock and mingle around the protective rails only when the great and mighty panda lumbers outside to defecate and hear the children laugh their high-pitched laughs. People didn't laugh at my panda when he defecated in China. It was a nice change of pace.
Oh, how I miss the days that Ping-Ping would simply come out just to see me. We were, well, this is kind of embarrassing to say now...
...but we were something of an item, Ping-Ping and I. Of course it sounds silly, I know. But there was this one weekend where Ping-Ping was sick and vomited near my base. I held Ping-Ping's hair while he expelled what appeared to be a week's worth of fruit from his stomach. It was disgusting, but you're automatically bonded to someone who you've seen vomit all over the place.
After that day, Ping-Ping would often come by just to visit. We'd talk about religion and politics and animal rights activists. We laughed for hours how those silly Greenpeace kids were always opening the door to his cage to let him go free, but were never uprooting me and taking me back to my natural habitat. It's not like either of us would've preferred that.
I had my Ping-Ping and he had me. Everything was perfect.
Until she came.
One day, while I was busy growing extra just for my Pingy, there seemed to be a larger hoopla around the Panda Pit than normal. Usually, there'd be a large crowd, but today that crowd was supplemented by a 200% increase, plus scaffolding all around with loudspeakers and loud men who spoke from them. They said things like,
"Hot dogs! Get your hot dogs!" and "Now with 10% more anus."
That really got people's bamboo growing.
Eventually, a voice louder and more resonate than all of the others combined took over the loudspeaker. He said,
"Now courtesy of an anonymous donor, please welcome our new panda, Sim-Sim." Then, out came another majestic creature who was black and white and shy all over, but it wasn't my Ping-Ping. No, this one had a different air about it. Something like fear, but mixed with...no....the slut was in heat. She was looking around, not in wonder and amazement, but in lust. THAT BITCH! The barker continued to hawk his new panda.
"Don't be shy. That-a-girl. Oh, I think she's getting ready to ...yes, she's doing the Lindy Hop."
She was 23 skidooing...24...oh no! 25 skidoos! That was Ping-Ping's favorite dance! I attempted to skidoo at the same time, but it was no use. The eyes of the crowd and, more importantly, Ping-Ping's, were on this newcomer.
"Well, it looks like Sim-Sim is a little frisky today, so our trainers are going to calm her down." Two angels dressed in protective suits floated out of the human door with magic wands. They started to poke these wands into Sim-Sim, and she started to calm down. I thought I'd be able to keep my Ping-Ping if these angels kept blessing that bitch, Sim-Sim.
"Don't worry, folks. Because of their thick, thick hides, pandas only feel the slightest tickle from these powerful electric shocks."
"Increase the voltage," I shouted. I wasn't heard by any except the lettuce floating in the pond near by. The lettuce scorned at me from its floaty pool and turned the other way. It wasn't acceptable in the plant kingdom to wish doom upon an animal which one has not met.
I turned back to the scene at hand, making a mental note to grow extra overnight and tear that lettuce to shreds.
Finally, Ping-Ping lumbered into the pit, which the announcer was quick to announce,
"Hey, there's our resident bull panda, Ping-Ping. With any luck, folks, these two will become very, very close, if you know what I mean."
What? No. I didn't know what he meant. That damn announcer knew about me and Ping-Ping. I couldn't believe he would even suggest that...but then, I saw Ping-Ping and my relationship come to a crashing halt.
Already, before she had even properly met him, Sim-Sim was bent over a rock, with her ass in the air, presenting to MY boyfriend. I looked over to Ping-Ping with a disapproving glare, knowing that it was in his biology to at least look. I could've dealt with a look. A look is no big deal. Our relationship could've handled a look. A look is nothing to be scared of.
So why was I so nervous?
As Ping-Ping approached Sim-Sim, a curtain dropped that separated the giant crowd from the Pandas, but still gave me a horrible view of the action. Ping-Ping, with almost a look of regret in his eyes, mounted Sim-Sim with one thrust. Then, while he was completely inserted inside of her, he slowly turned his head towards me. I could see the tears pouring from his face clear across the Pit. As his hips bucked back in forth in animal lust, tears bombarded Sim-Sim's back. Ping-Ping's head dropped and his convulsions continued, some were humps while others were gasps from his bitter lungs.
"Nooooooooooooooo!" I screamed out, thinking that all Ping-Ping needed was somebody to tell him to stop. He obviously didn't want to do what he was doing, and felt bad for it. Even if Sim-Sim was a Panda, she was still just another slut.
Upon hearing me scream, Ping-Ping pulled out and looked over to me with a furtive glance.
But Sim-Sim growled, and was quickly remounted by Ping-Ping.
And not only my heart broke in half, but my entire shaft. I merely lay on the grass, rolling around in agony, as I watched the two new lovers spoon and look lovingly into each others eyes, I knew I wasn't wanted anymore.
As I heard a random zoo patron exclaim,
"You ain't goin' nowhere, cutie," I knew that the dream had ended.
User Reviews
Submitted by Professional_Peon (user info) at 2005-02-18 17:12:15 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Follow-up post: Bamboo get bitches with his bling-bling.
Submitted by CookieLass (user info) at 2005-02-11 00:56:07 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 because I'm dying
Submitted by Ed_0150 (user info) at 2005-02-10 01:58:41 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by comicbookguy (user info) at 2005-02-09 23:54:38 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Feijuada (user info) at 2005-02-09 21:27:14 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
ALTAIR 4!
Submitted by ess-arr (user info) at 2005-02-09 18:13:14 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I watched that episode today!
Submitted by Saxon (user info) at 2005-02-09 18:10:06 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Panda Porn is good for a giggle.
Submitted by drfeggphd (user info) at 2005-02-09 17:36:03 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2005-02-09 17:22:00 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by tinactin (user info) at 2005-02-09 17:06:00 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Yes.
Submitted by Adamdidit2u (user info) at 2005-02-09 17:05:30 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Fanstamallisticllally Wonderrfulment
Triple word score...876 points
Submitted by Teephphah (user info) at 2005-02-09 17:02:31 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Fuck you for making me cry at work.
Submitted by Pentameter (user info) at 2005-02-09 17:00:12 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
This is soooo fucking good.
I loved it.
Submitted by Lechuga (user info) at 2005-02-09 16:59:12 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Ricky Martin: HEY IT'S ME, come on, RICKY MARTIN COME ON! IN THIS CUP IS SOME HOT TEA, IT'S HOT HOT HOT! YEOW! SO THE ANSWER IS, HOT HOT HOT! IS THIS TEA HOT HOT HOT! or cold. HOT HOT HOT! or cold.
Alex Trebek: None of you knows? No one can figure out if the hot tea is hot or cold? *ping* Thank god, Keanu Reeves!
Keanu Reeves: Is it Iced Tea?
Alex Trebek: NO! It's hot tea!
Keanu Reeves: Well then, I have no Idea.
Submitted by Girlwithaclue (user info) at 2005-02-09 16:59:07 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Panda mating nice........
Submitted by FATMANTPK (user info) at 2005-02-09 16:55:54 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
This was fucking great!
Submitted by GodLovesALittleLovin (user info) at 2005-02-09 16:44:38 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
That was the best panda sex I have ever read about. Sorry to hear about that whore stealing your boyfriend.
Submitted by NerfHerder (user info) at 2005-02-09 16:44:15 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Yes, munkey. But you have to name my clone, "The Incredible Hulk."
Submitted by TigerLilly (user info) at 2005-02-09 16:41:15 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
You are nuts! I love it.
Submitted by munkeypants (user info) at 2005-02-09 16:37:50 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
oh my god you are brilliant. or insane. or both.
either way can i have a hair sample from you?
Submitted by screamfeeder (user info) at 2005-02-09 16:37:19 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
You worry me.