How do you remove a hippo from your apartment without pissing it off? (a bit long) (765 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1.14 on 25 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by The W (View user info) at 2005-02-10 03:30:24 EST
I have recently started to get back in the dating scene, right about the time that I have lost my job. This means, that not only am I poor, but I'm trying to impress women. Its wonderful being in grad school.
Anyway, due to me not having been here very long, I do not have that great of a social circle as of yet. So, I decided to try the online dating thing. This has not my first attempt at online dating; but usually I only meet psychos, so I had no expectations this time around. However, the good Lord decided to smile upon me for the fist time in awhile, and send me not one, but two wonderful women. Their names have been changed to protect their identities.
Girl number 1 we'll call Julie. Julie is a short, cute blonde who was raised by a middle class ultra southern baptist family. She's actually been to college and shows it though her intelligence (which is very unusual looking back at my online dating past). Her ultimate destiny is to teach, and shes working toward going to grad school and making that happen. The only thing wrong with her is that she is incredibly guarded because she was used as some asshole's sex slave in the past. I find it a challenge to exceed the expectations of women and show them that not everything with ding a ling is bad.
Girl number 2 we'll call Beth. Beth is a cute, short, intelligent brunette. She enjoys expanding her mind, loves animals, and has the cutest laugh that I've ever heard. She works as a director for some big insurance billing company, as well as two other jobs to make ends meet. Like #1 she is currently trying to get her life together and pursue her dream of being a Trauma RN. I admire her initiative and her laid back view of life.
Both of these ladies have made it very difficult for me to choose between them.
Now, as those of you know who are like me, and are of average looks, and below average bank account balance, one should not tempt fate again. But, I did. The Lord then smote me with a fatty.
Girl #3 we'll call Wanda. Wanda is a redhead who works at Wal-Mart. She has a south Georgia accent, which if you don't know sounds like Boomhower on King of the Hill. She decided that she should come over and we were going to get drunk together and watch some movies. She then proceeded to tell me how horny she gets when she drinks...and well...blood rushed to the smaller of the two heads (its been a long dry spell) and I said okay. Well, I guess I should have figured that she wouldn't look anything like her picture, and she didn't, but I figured after a couple of beers it would be okay.
The evening did not turn out as planned. She drank half a beer, fell asleep on my couch, and started snoring really loud. So loud in fact that the walls are shaking, and the neighbors are pounding on them. My windows have all shattered by the sound of this snore and the vacuum created by her gaping pie hole has sucked in all the furnature in my apartment, as well as various other things that came flying in from the neighbor's porches. I got tired of hearing this, so I told her to go sleep in my bed to which she replied "why don't you come with me?"
Finally, at least I can get something out of this. I have a fairly active imagination and she could be anyone I wanted with the lights out. If that didn't work, I still have all the beer in my refirgerator that has not been drank. So I figure, perhaps this could work out after all.
So, you ask....did I get some?
No. She went to sleep again, once again sucking the paint off the wall. Now shes in my bed, and I'm sitting in the chair watching shitty TV and writing a post that will only get a negitive rating.
But I know...someone has had to have had this experience before. How should I get rid of her?
User Reviews
Submitted by tech-junkie (user info) at 2005-02-17 21:14:06 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
three letters. LOL
Submitted by Wazza (user info) at 2005-02-16 17:23:36 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
You are a bit Slowww boy ,you should have done her, maybe thats why she went to sleep.You are boring.
Submitted by the_lone_stranger (user info) at 2005-02-16 16:58:51 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
WTF is wrong with you!?
kick the slore out of your house!
Submitted by c1ndy (user info) at 2005-02-16 16:49:54 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
wake her up... honestly, no wonder you are going through a dry spell
Submitted by HZRD (user info) at 2005-02-16 16:47:20 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
stick your soul-pole in her hershey highway.
oh, and don't tempt your luck with three... it's always a sure way to fuck you in the pooper
Submitted by Grin (user info) at 2005-02-16 16:38:03 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by forensicgirl3 (user info) at 2005-02-10 12:01:41 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Submitted by phuzzygish (user info) at 2005-02-10 03:56:52 (#)
Ranking: 2
Turn on the hoover and start running it along her thigh, and when she wakes up tell her "I'm just trying to help..."
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Ok, THAT was some funny shit!
Submitted by The_taste_of_Monkeys (user info) at 2005-02-10 11:51:46 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by CookieLass (user info) at 2005-02-10 10:48:10 (#)
Ranking: 0
I'll rate this once I get an answer out of you.... would you feel the same way about the situation if she were skinny?
of course he frigging wouldnt. We are what is termed m-en, we are shallow and ruled by our cocks. Any man who says otherwise is a menz, a ghey menz
Submitted by CookieLass (user info) at 2005-02-10 10:48:10 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
I'll rate this once I get an answer out of you.... would you feel the same way about the situation if she were skinny?
Submitted by Kamargo (user info) at 2005-02-10 10:19:26 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Tigre (user info) at 2005-02-10 10:18:55 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Oh, wait.. that wasn't you. Meh.
Submitted by Tigre (user info) at 2005-02-10 10:18:33 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Submitted by Mitchapalooza (user info) at 2005-02-10 05:44:43 (#)
Ranking: 2
Let me explain something to you, and listen up, cause this might save you some years:
fat people aren't like the rest of us. They don't have the same rights, and shouldn't be treated with the same dignity as normal people.
Have your way with her, then put her in a cab back to fatland, or wherever the hell she's from.
If she protests, just remind her she's fat, and you're not. That usually leaves them speechless.
You're welcome.
--
I've known a few pretty kickass fat people. What about Fat Tony? I take back my +2, asshole.
Submitted by Tigre (user info) at 2005-02-10 10:15:29 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Pound her in the stomach and tell her the Popos are coming because you have cocaine in your house. Tell her you're sorry, and you don't want her to get arrested. What if she calls back you ask? Tell her you can't leave because of probation/house arrest(a la Fat tony).
Submitted by AwesomeJohnson (user info) at 2005-02-10 07:46:24 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
2 words. Smoke detector.
Submitted by The_taste_of_Monkeys (user info) at 2005-02-10 07:02:33 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Heres an equation that will tell you how to get her never to return:
Digital camera+your nuts+her face x the internet=no more walrus
Submitted by Mitchapalooza (user info) at 2005-02-10 05:44:43 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Let me explain something to you, and listen up, cause this might save you some years:
fat people aren't like the rest of us. They don't have the same rights, and shouldn't be treated with the same dignity as normal people.
Have your way with her, then put her in a cab back to fatland, or wherever the hell she's from.
If she protests, just remind her she's fat, and you're not. That usually leaves them speechless.
You're welcome.
Submitted by Otters (user info) at 2005-02-10 04:09:47 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
However, you might try waking her up and telling her you have to work really early in the morning. I wouldn't recommend making more attempts to squeeze a fuck out of this already ruined night. You must be awfully optimistic to have expected a nice night with a ham-encrusted, camel-sized fatty such as she.
Submitted by MrWillard (user info) at 2005-02-10 04:00:35 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Otters (user info) at 2005-02-10 03:58:13 (#)
Ranking: 0
I don't know how sorry I feel for you. You asked for this scenario every step of the way.
======================================
Yeah...I know.
Submitted by Otters (user info) at 2005-02-10 03:58:13 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
I don't know how sorry I feel for you. You asked for this scenario every step of the way.
Submitted by phuzzygish (user info) at 2005-02-10 03:56:52 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Turn on the hoover and start running it along her thigh, and when she wakes up tell her "I'm just trying to help..."
Submitted by MrWillard (user info) at 2005-02-10 03:49:15 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Now that I've alerted the gods to their mistake, they're probably going to take all the beautiful women away from me. What have I done??
Submitted by Shagabah_Jones (user info) at 2005-02-10 03:42:07 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
goblin juice is a syrum that turns people into a goblin
Submitted by Beer_bong (user info) at 2005-02-10 03:39:43 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Or you could just start whacking it really close to her face and hopefull she'll wake up, get disgusted and leave on her own.
Or she'll suck your cock. Either way, you're good to go.
Submitted by Beer_bong (user info) at 2005-02-10 03:38:15 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Or you could get an old preist and a young preist...
Submitted by Beer_bong (user info) at 2005-02-10 03:37:45 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Stick ten bucks in your zipper and walk backwards.