Fate: A Report - Clotho and Lachesis Have Nice Titties But Atropos is a Stone Cold Bitch (1112 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1.54 on 19 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by nom de plume (View user info) at 2005-02-10 04:53:32 EST
By the time you hear the sirens, it's too late. The missiles are flying, the tornado is coming, the fire is burning and the prison riot is right at your door. Your veins flood with ice water, your stomach swallows itself and legs that were strong a second ago forget how to walk. The impossible scenario inescapably becomes insurmountable, inestimably timed fate. And the only sound you hear before the storm freight trains its way into your life travels on a voice that sounds just...like...yours.
Fuck.
Yeah. You got that right.
Fate bludgeons its way into your life this day in the form of a 5'9 brunette with nice breasts. No fire or nuclear attack for you. She actually said yes. Poor bastard. You are so fucked.
"What was that?"
"Nothing," you mumble. "I'll call you at 8."
Here you stand at your own defining moment. This one is perfect. Well built, in shape, but not emaciated like the Mary Kate skeletons you see traipsing around. You like a little meat. You pay 5 dollars a month to keep little Ndugu Mwaga fed, so no way you're gonna bone some walking anatomy lesson.
But she's not too heavy either. Not that heavy is a bad thing anymore. All the 99 cent menus have made pimpin' it much easier, but here, it's not even an issue.
Brown hair that falls gently on her shoulders, perky 36 D's, pert red lips and baby shootin' hips. She's Italian and you can't help but get this image of her daddy blowing a kiss and uttering a heartfelt Mama Mia! at the moment of conception. This one's a keeper.
And yeah, you suppose she's beautiful on the inside too. Smart, polite, funny. Nothing you really care about but great for people who prefer that stuff over the important things.
But women are a complete and utter mystery to you. An enticing mystery, yeah, but then it's no mistake that their sex chromosomes are one "x" short of the most hardcore porn out there. For you, the storm has red hair. Or brown hair. Or blonde hair. It doesn't really matter. Your own "Y" chromosome sums it up nicely. All that matters to you in the end is you're male and she's well...not.
Well fuck, of course that's not all that matters. Sure as shooting, if things are going well, something is going to come along and fuck everything up. Fate is an uncaring, opportunistic bastard. Just as sure as your parents somehow always knew when to knock on the bathroom door, interrupting whatever illicit non-bathroom related deed you were in the middle of, so too will something come along and try to fuck this sweet deal up. Oh you'll try to be prepared. You'll have your best lines, your best ducks and weaves all prepared and carefully concealed under your 4.99 bottle of Axe. Sometimes it will work. You know you can think fast. That time you were sitting on the toilet, rolling a joint? Yeah, you remember that. Your parents knocked and loudly asked what you were doing, and did you freeze? Well, yeah. Actually you did. But after a few um's and uh's an answer hit you, an escape.
"Uh...masturbating."
Ok, so it wasn't the smoothest dodge, but it saved you an ounce. Triage baby. Save what you can, even if it's not your dignity. Besides from that point on, whenever your mom wanted help making dinner she'd stop, look at your hands, then call your sister instead. Tell me those aren't results?
But your parents are one thing. They're a known quantity. You can figure out how to deal with them and come out on top, relatively unscathed. But the behaviour of the opposite sex in relation to you. Man. Again. Are you ever fucked.
Don't believe me? Ok. Please explain this to me then.
Lifetime Television. Yeah, you know it. It has all these movies with fascinating womanly titles like "The Husband Who Hit" or "Not With My Baby". All the estrogen practically slaps you in the face for daring to have testicles. The entire channel is centered around empowering women and giving them the courage to make it in a man's world. It shows women they can solve crimes, right wrongs and be successful without being a baby-making machine that's chained to the vacuum cleaner. You have yet to meet a woman who doesn't like the channel. It tells them they are something, and capable of doing more then mopping the kitchen floor.
Yet the only way women receive this empowering message is...when they are at home. Vacuuming the floor. And taking care of the kids. Lifetime teaches women they don't have to stay in the house by keeping them...in...the...house?
Yeah. Makes no sense to me either. But just try changing the channel when your sister and mom are on the couch watching whatever wife-beating movie marathon is on at the time. Don't mistake those tears for gentleness, you'll lose your hand and the remote.
See why I'm agreeing that you're fucked? You haven't the first clue what to do. And that's just watching TV! Imagine if you have to talk to her? You don't know how to make small talk! And no, "So...had your period yet?" does not count as small talk.
Compliments you say! A hopeful gleam enters your eye. Women love compliments.
Ha! Think so? Women hate compliments. I don't know why. Don't believe me? Ok. See that girl? Go up to her and say "Nice tits". What, you don't want to? See! Compliments will fucking get you killed man!
It's nearly 8, you better give her a call.
Oh, damn. You slept with her cousin and didn't call her back? Well that's not that big a deal, c'mon boyo you can think your way out of this one.
"Well yeah, Annie, maybe she did get gonorrhea, but I don't see what the big deal is." **Good, good, play it down.** "I mean, come on baby." **Smooth, good job. The baby is a nice touch. Now for the slam dunk.** "At least I'm not Hitler" **DAMN you are good.**
What? She hung up on you? Huh. I know exactly why. Ready for this?
She realized that you didn't kill 6 million Jews, and was embarrassed she made a big deal out of something so inconsequential. Yeah I'd probably hang up too.
So cheer up man. She'll call back, and if she doesn't, you've got your own bathroom, free from your parent's knocking hands.
User Reviews
Submitted by Chinaski (user info) at 2005-04-06 06:33:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
comin atchoo hard, bitch!
Submitted by jack11058 (user info) at 2005-02-27 09:11:28 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
this was fucking awesome, zoidie.
Submitted by Zoidberg (user info) at 2005-02-10 17:50:19 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
ha no I don't recommend it
the sex is fun but society telling you how bad and odd it is when you're growing up makes relationships a bit difficult.
lonely life overall, fortunately I have an xbox
Submitted by Avals (user info) at 2005-02-10 15:01:52 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Zoidberg (user info) at 2005-02-10 11:07:54 (#)
Ranking: 0
I dunno Avals, its a lot easier to write as hetero, maybe because theres so much material on "how women are confusing" to build off of
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Ain't that the truth.
Hey, maybe I should go gay? At least then I could understand what the fuck my partner wants from me.
Waddya reckon?
Submitted by Zoidberg (user info) at 2005-02-10 11:07:54 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
I dunno Avals, its a lot easier to write as hetero, maybe because theres so much material on "how women are confusing" to build off of
Submitted by Monarch (user info) at 2005-02-10 10:41:03 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
The title alone is worth +2, but the post rocked too.
Submitted by rurumon (user info) at 2005-02-10 09:56:48 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
This was awesome.
Submitted by beefstick86 (user info) at 2005-02-10 09:55:13 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Everything you ever wanted to know about beefstick86
User id: 4891
Registered on or around: 2004-01-13 16:48:18
# Messages posted: 40
# Reviews written: 114
# Times these posts have been reviewed : 432
# Hits: 13578
Average rating of all messages: 0.00
Just wanted to let uber know, that for the moment, I am perfect.
Submitted by Jeanneee (user info) at 2005-02-10 09:45:44 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by jumpinjellyfish (user info) at 2005-02-10 09:36:51 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
This is pure gold:
"Ok, so it wasn't the smoothest dodge, but it saved you an ounce. Triage baby. Save what you can, even if it's not your dignity. Besides from that point on, whenever your mom wanted help making dinner she'd stop, look at your hands, then call your sister instead. Tell me those aren't results?"
Submitted by Adamdidit2u (user info) at 2005-02-10 09:21:57 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Fantastic, I really like the whole flow of the thing
Submitted by drfeggphd (user info) at 2005-02-10 08:26:06 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
very good. clever title.
Submitted by indoninja (user info) at 2005-02-10 07:45:21 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
You should have gone with the, "gonorhea, whats the big deal, it is a curable VD?"
chicks like that.
Submitted by Avals (user info) at 2005-02-10 07:36:39 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I like you much better as a heterosexual.
Submitted by FuckTheArmy (user info) at 2005-02-10 06:30:11 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Well, mine's six foot and an easy 115kg/250lb, but the only problem I've got is that she lives in the next state. Not that I have time for anything close, mind.
Submitted by Zoidberg (user info) at 2005-02-10 05:11:16 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
thanks
thought I'd give hetero pov a try, Virginia Woolf says to write with androgyny (sp?) but I figure its enough of a stretch for me to tackle str8 relationships
Submitted by pen_name (user info) at 2005-02-10 05:04:21 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
and another 2 for actual content.
it's heller, meets palahniuk, meets...mel brooks?
who knows. i liked it.
Submitted by pen_name (user info) at 2005-02-10 04:56:23 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 for the user name
Submitted by Zoidberg (user info) at 2005-02-10 04:54:36 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
okay so I stole the Hitler bit from another piece of mine, sue me. It's still my work :P