I Call Shenanigans!!! (Part Deux) (1049 hits)
Category: Quotes & StoriesRating: 1.28 on 28 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by 1Point21Gigawatts (View user info) at 2005-02-10 10:28:56 EST
The century mark. One-hundred posts. It's hard to believe I've written so much content in just over seven months, but somehow I did it. Many posts are meaningless drivel, some are pretty fucking funny, and there's a couple I'd even show my mother. I've come to love this site for the ingenious way it takes me from doing work, but more importantly for the friends it has given me. I can say, with confidence, that if I'm ever randomly around the country, or even the world, on business, that I could probably find an Uberer to do lunch with. Truly amazing.
So for my centennial post, I'm going back to the beginning. Not completely to the beginning, to post number one, but to post number two. I had a surprising amount of success with this idea, and even though I took some hits as a new guy, plenty of people joined the fun. In my first post, I noticed many people declaring shenanigans, even though the post was true. I decided to test to see how well people could divulge shenanigans from truth by telling three true stories and one false story. Very few people got it right.
So, without further ado, I present it to you again. I will give you four stories, one of which is complete and total bullshit. The other three are true. Let's see if you motherfuckers are any better at this game seven months later.
The Mine Shaft:
When I was in junior high, my best bud and I used to explore the north shore of the island in his little sixteen-foot boat. One of our favorite spots to spend the day was Pirate's Cove, a small bay like area nestled away in the northeast corner of Port Jeff Harbor. The cove was flanked by high sand dunes on one side, and the bluff of the mainland on the other. Buried deep within the sand dunes were said to be a system of abandoned mines from when the Cove was a glass refinery during World War II.
One day, Morgan and I were trudging along the dunes, and Morgan was using a walking stick. As we went along, Morgan reached a spot where his walking stick plunged deep into the sand, as if nothing was stopping it from reaching the bottom. To our right, we noticed a sinkhole, but it was covered in poison ivy. Morgan, being less sensitive to the stuff, edged over and tested the sinkhole with the stick. Sure enough, the stick sank deep into the sand.
The next day, we returned with a high concentrate of Round-Up vegetation killer, and sprayed the mess of poison ivy and brush. A day after that, we returned with shovels, a pick, and a chainsaw. We walked deep into the dunes with our stuff, and dug out the sinkhole. Eventually, we cleared out what appeared to be the roof of the mine, which was a thick piece of wood. Morgan expertly removed a chunk of the cross member, and we were in.
I'd like to tell you that we spent the summer exploring the mines, because that's what we wanted to do, but nay. We were scared shitless that we'd be caught up in a cave-in and we'd never be heard from again. So we pushed the rocks and sand back over the hole to make sure someone younger and stupider didn't fall in, and we never tried opening it again.
The Trade:
It's no secret that I used to drive a pimped out minivan. Hell, I even wrote a pretty interesting post about it. Way back when that van was still relatively new, in 1997, I remember driving past a local service station and seeing a version of my dream car for sale out front. It was a 1989 BMW 750iL, a beautiful big sedan with a monstrous 5 Liter V12 motor. The guy selling it had an asking price of $18,500. The owner of the shop, Mike, said he was familiar with the car and that the owner recently had a new motor and a tranny rebuild, all done by a BMW dealer, and there was still a warrantee left on those new parts.
As I looked in the shiny reflection of the glass at the interior, I noticed a man walking around my van. I turned around, and he said, "Is this your van?"
"Sure is." I replied.
"How many miles you got on it?"
"About forty thousand."
"How do you like my beamer?"
"This seven series is yours? I think it's awesome. I've always wanted a Beamer with a V12 engine."
The man looked over at Mike, our mutual friend and the shop owner. He turned back to me and said, "My wife's all up in my ass these days. We're all set to have a third child, and it ends up being twins. She says that we've got to get rid of the Bimmer and get us a minivan. The way I figure, we make a trade, that way we get to save on sales tax and all that garbage. Plus without needin' to buy a new car, I could use the extra cash to pick up something fun to replace my baby here. 'Course, I'd like to have Mike take a look at your car and I'm sure you'd want the same treatment. What do you say?"
I was fucking ecstatic. The van was still in my father's name, but luckily enough, he was at work merely a hundred feet down the road at his store. No doubt he wouldn't let me pass up this trade! His van was barely worth 10 grand at that point. And we're talking V12 luxury! I ran down the street to go get him.
Of course his answer was no. "Do you know how expensive it would be to perform a valve job on a BMW V12 engine? You'd be screwed if something went wrong! Now get out, I'm busy!" he said.
To this day I give him shit about that.
Saving a Life:
Several years ago, I was driving an old girlfriend back to her house, when I saw a very small fire burning a little ways down a side street. At first, I thought nothing of it, but curiosity got the best of me. I turned around and headed back down the street. As I got closer and closer, I noticed the fire getting larger and larger. When I finally got within two hundred feet or so, I realized what I was looking at. A truck was on fire.
As I neared the pickup, I saw an elderly couple that had emerged from the house. It was their tree the man had crashed into, and the driver was still in his vehicle, hunched over the steering wheel. The elderly woman was on the phone, most likely with a 911 operator.
I turned to the old man and shouted, "You've got to help me!"
I pulled open the door of the vehicle, while the fire grew larger and larger. Luckily for me, the man was not wearing a seatbelt; otherwise I might not have been able to get him out in time. With the help of the old man, we were able to drag the man to safety before the fire got too hot. I remember being grossed out by the blood and fearing that I might get AIDS if this guy had it.
Here's the fucked up thing - my girlfriend had a curfew, and I didn't want to get in trouble with her father, so I left even before the cops came. I never saw anything about it in the local paper, so I guess the old man decided not to take any credit either. Man, that was fuckin' weird.
Gunsmoke:
Of course after growing up in New York my whole life, the place someone would pull a gun on my friends and me is Stratton, Vermont. After a day of snowboarding, my friends and I hit the après ski in a bar that was a little off the beaten path. My good buddy Seth had a condo in the area, and he was convinced that this little bar he was taking us to was the best.
So all of the tough guy New Yorkers got into his suburban and we headed down Rt. 30 to this place. When we rolled up, we realized that Seth was talking out of his ass and the bar was pretty much a piece of shit. But we pressed on and decided to make the best of it. We walked into a room of flannel and chaw, with eyes glaring at our DKNY sweaters and Kenneth Cole shoes. Seth walked in like he owned the place and strutted up to the bar. He ordered six Otter Creek beers, as if supporting the local microbrew was going to make us fit in better.
We tried to keep to ourselves the whole night, and we grabbed a table in the back. Things started to get a little more comfortable as more and more patrons entering the bar, some even seemed like they may be tourists as well. Eventually even the back room we were in was packed out. It was like a pressure cooker, and it exploded when I opened my big fat mouth.
I was returning with another round of beers, and as I sat down, I made a loud comment about the bar's choice of music: country. "Man, this music really sucks!" I said, as I pulled up a chair next to Rick. I guess I didn't realize how loud I said it.
There were four locals standing directly behind me. "If you don't like the fucking music, then you should get the hell out of here." One said to me.
Now, I know I can hold my own, but in a bar where I'm certainly outnumbered, there's no way I'd start up any kind of shit. That's something Rick would do, not me. I started to make an apology for my comment when Rick stood up. Rick is fucking huge and intimidating, so he decided it was time to show that off.
"I think you should mind your own fucking business," he said, "my friend wasn't talking to you."
And that's how it starts. Almost in unison, my whole crew was on their feet, ready for action. One of the guys sauntered up to Rick, and Rick basically picked the guy up in the air. That's when I felt the steel hit my chest. The scrawniest guy in the group had pulled out a small revolver, and pointed it straight at me.
"Back the fuck up! Let go of him!" He shouted.
Rick immediately released the guy he was holding onto. My mind was racing at a million miles per hour. Should I knock the gun out of his hands? What if someone else had a gun? Maybe these guys killed asshole tourists all the time?
Turns out, I talked our way out of it with a few short sentences. "Look man, I'm sorry about what I said. We'll just grab our shit and get the hell out of here, okay?"
"No one's stopping you." The little guy said.
So we grabbed our shit and left. Afterwards, I was thinking about strange life is, how in certain situations things seems to go in slow motion. And the funny thing is, I was never really scared. I think I've been more scared before a Chemistry exam than in that moment, and I could've been killed. It's strange how the mind works.
So there you have it. Which event didn't really happen? I'll let you think about it, and I'll give you the real answer in a few days.
User Reviews
Submitted by Dead_0hi0_Sky (user info) at 2005-02-28 21:33:50 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
WOULD JOO LIKE TO MAKE FUCK?
Submitted by 1Point21Gigawatts (user info) at 2005-02-28 21:29:01 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
My bad y'all. The bullshit story is Gunsmoke. That shit never happened.
Submitted by Dustbrother (user info) at 2005-02-14 10:16:56 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
OH NOES IM GOING TO GETS WHOOPED
Submitted by tlozoot (user info) at 2005-02-11 18:54:24 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Mine Shaft story (1). Like someone else said, that would definitely be sealed off. If not, then #2 for the record... your dad was just down the street? Huh?
Submitted by RamJetMax (user info) at 2005-02-10 16:18:48 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Submitted by 1Point21Gigawatts (user info) at 2005-02-10 15:25:25 (#)
Ranking: 0
So far here's how it stacks up:
The Mine Shaft: 2
The Trade: 5
Saving A Life: 3
Gunsmoke: 2
This is much more slow-going than the last time I did it. I guess if I want someone to read something it has to be about virginity, boobs or prostitution.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
YOU ARE CORRECT SIR!!!
and I will take "Saving A Life" for 200 please.
Submitted by 1Point21Gigawatts (user info) at 2005-02-10 15:25:25 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
So far here's how it stacks up:
The Mine Shaft: 2
The Trade: 5
Saving A Life: 3
Gunsmoke: 2
This is much more slow-going than the last time I did it. I guess if I want someone to read something it has to be about virginity, boobs or prostitution.
Submitted by sevens_travels (user info) at 2005-02-10 15:11:38 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
i'm going with the mines, that kinda shit would be professionaly sealed off, especially since you said its a county park now.
Submitted by Davros (user info) at 2005-02-10 14:59:14 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I got to go with the trade.
But I have been known to be wrong.
Congrats on 100 Doug.
-Dave
Submitted by polymorph505 (user info) at 2005-02-10 12:32:07 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Gunsmoke, definitely
Submitted by 1Point21Gigawatts (user info) at 2005-02-10 12:07:50 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by indoninja (user info) at 2005-02-10 12:01:41 (#)
Ranking: -2
Minus two for making us wait a few days. I think the fire one was shennagins
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Actually, I think your negative two is not because I'm making you wait a few days, but more because you want me to get all uppity and give you a hit and a comment on one of your posts. Which I won't do.
But your vote still counts. Thanks for playing.
Submitted by indoninja (user info) at 2005-02-10 12:01:41 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Minus two for making us wait a few days. I think the fire one was shennagins
Submitted by ess-arr (user info) at 2005-02-10 11:58:46 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
thanks, for the answers. I'm going to stick with saving a life, but Mine shaft is a close second.
whatever Im probaly way off, I like these though...
Submitted by 1Point21Gigawatts (user info) at 2005-02-10 11:55:21 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
So far here's how it stacks up:
The Mine Shaft: 1
The Trade: 4
Saving A Life: 2
Gunsmoke: 1
Well, there's at least one person who's got it right...
Submitted by AshK (user info) at 2005-02-10 11:47:41 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Gunsmoke
Submitted by HZRD (user info) at 2005-02-10 11:46:53 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I'd say "The Trade". No one would have passed up the opportunity for a BMW 7 Series V-12. Hell, I would have given head like a circus seal.
Submitted by XFile (user info) at 2005-02-10 11:16:00 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
I'd say 'Saving a Life'.
In all the other stories you are pretty much spineless and/or need to ask your parents for permission, but in the third story you suddenly have grown a pair of fair sized balls? As if!
Congrats on the 100th post thing and all. Keep 'em coming!
Submitted by 1Point21Gigawatts (user info) at 2005-02-10 11:08:02 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by ess-arr (user info) at 2005-02-10 11:04:18 (#)
Ranking: 2
Question's:
I'm not familiar with Pirates Cove where exactly is it? I can't give you the GPS coordinates, but if you go to mapquest and type in 11777 for the zip-code, chick north a few times, you'll see a small area called "McAllister County Park" The little inlet there is Pirate's Cove
How old were you in saving a life? I was dating this girl named Tiffany, and we were still in high school, so I would say about 17
Do you know what kind of gun it was,if not a description, please.
I don't know much about guns, but I would say it was a .38 - it looked like what Danny Glover used in "Lethal Weapon."
I may change my answer, depending on your response. - That's fine.
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2005-02-10 11:05:55 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
the mineshaft is right out.
Submitted by ess-arr (user info) at 2005-02-10 11:04:18 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Question's:
I'm not familiar with Pirates Cove where exactly is it?
How old were you in saving a life?
Do you know what kind of gun it was,if not a description, please.
I may change my answer, depending on your response.
Submitted by RyuFu (user info) at 2005-02-10 10:57:51 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
The Trade. Has to be the trade. Somehow, out of all those weird occurrences, I can't see some dude trading down his beemer, even with a wife and twins...
Submitted by 1Point21Gigawatts (user info) at 2005-02-10 10:57:24 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
I'm considering answering questions about the stories, so if you want me to clarify something (like last time I did this, I accidentally called I-93, I-95 so everyone said that story was wrongm when it was really just a typo), just comment about it or send me an email if you know my address.
Submitted by tinactin (user info) at 2005-02-10 10:56:55 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
All of these seem perfectly reasonable, but I think you're trying to throw a loop and I'll say the second one is fake.
Submitted by BillsSBChamps (user info) at 2005-02-10 10:55:30 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
The one where you get laid by hot chicks is BS.
Submitted by ess-arr (user info) at 2005-02-10 10:52:31 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
congrats on 100, enjoyed most of 'em...
I say Saving a life.
Submitted by Pentameter (user info) at 2005-02-10 10:49:37 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
My guess is that "The Trade" is bullshit.
Submitted by 1Point21Gigawatts (user info) at 2005-02-10 10:39:37 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
That's the same thing people said last time - but alas, I stayed true to the game. Three are true and one is false.
Submitted by Adamdidit2u (user info) at 2005-02-10 10:35:19 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
All are bullshit
I know your true identity to be that of Beteleguise a la Howard Stern
Submitted by Jeanneee (user info) at 2005-02-10 10:34:28 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
None of these things really happened.