Lost in Translation / Failing sex with an Anglophone (1673 hits)
Category: RomanceRating: 1.71 on 71 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Caulaincourt (View user info) at 2005-02-10 12:09:38 EST
I was on IRC back when I had nothing better to do than waste my life on the Internet. I was chain smoking, sipping on cheap beer and feeling more lethargic than an opium addict on Gravol. But as one might knows, the whole point of the Internet is small doses of banal and futile amusements that make you get out of your slumber. Thus, making you feel like it's the greatest thing ever. Anyway, LOL here, LOL there, everything was going great.
Then she private messaged me:
<Tammy> Hi. A/S/L pls?
As I usually replied to that question:
<PoveKhon> Who are you and why the fuck you care?
<Tammy> Lololol, what you're doing?
That was a really good question since I was doing absolutely nothing. I thought I could chat in English for a change. Besides, it was 4am. It's not like I could've gone to sleep and done something worthy of my life in the next morning, right?
Now I won't describe the entire conversation since I don't remember much of it. I know that at some we exchanged pictures and complimented each other with a polite generic "you're cute". She was kind of cute. Plus, she informed me that she was 30 and I was 21 so I figured it could be a nice occasion to try my first older woman.
Having nothing to lose, I asked her for a date. My first and probably last Internet date.
Two days later. We hit a coffee shop. She wasn't as hot as her picture suggested but she was passable enough. My English sucked so I let her talked. Girls like guys with "listening skills" anyway (I was really just staring at her boobs and understanding half of what she said). Maybe that's why she invited me to her place. I didn't know at that time that this would be the most pathetic sexual experience of my life so I said yes.
Into her apartment...
"So patate, what shall we do?" ("patate" is the equivalent of potato head for the Irish)
"Uh...why ahr yoo cauling me dat four?"
"Because that's what you are, duh!"
"Wow, this night is starting off great." I thought.
"Oké, wann too wahtsh a moovee?"
"Sure, let's rent one on the satellite"
I don't if you've seen K-19 but if Harrison Ford can perfectly reproduce the Russian accent, I speak English like a fucking Brit. I thought the movie sucked so making out seemed like the obvious next step.
<Kiss kiss>
<Lick lick>
<Fuck fuck>
Orgasm ensues.
Wow, that was pretty easy! My turn now!
She got down on me and initiated fellatio. Damn, she was good at it! Teasing me with her tongue when she saw I was about to blow and all. I could take it anymore. I tried to say "you're such a tease" but the word "tease" itself escaped me so I had to find a synonym. In my neat English I moaned loudly:
"Whoa, yoo're annoyinn!!!"
She tossed my cock on my belly, dressed up and showed me the exit of her apartment.
Still horny, lost in the middle of nowhere, not sure of what had just happened, I was bewildered. So I stood there for a while, staring at nothing...
User Reviews
Submitted by Avals (user info) at 2005-03-16 14:22:20 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Didn't I rate this one already? Crap.
You should probably just shut up during sex next time. That's the only way to be sure.
Submitted by Wazza (user info) at 2005-03-13 01:38:28 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Voila! ha ha ha ha ha ,remember the aussies!
Submitted by urbaneruralite (user info) at 2005-02-23 11:34:30 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Next time make her call you a cab. And finish your business while you wait. Hell, make the bitch fix ya a sammich too!
Submitted by Merlina (user info) at 2005-02-15 10:42:41 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Thought I'd read back to see who it was who decided to be nasty to me.
Seem this is quite good, so I'll rate as appropriate.
You should note about that mail about the cliches (the one where you called me fat - um.. as a GB size 10-12 I think not) anyway..
My fathers family are French, from St Brieuc. I was not being personal. Just wanted you to know that.
Submitted by Fleury75 (user info) at 2005-02-14 13:55:13 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
:=O <===8
Submitted by Caulaincourt (user info) at 2005-02-14 12:02:57 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Thank you for the heat, my inbred little buddy.
May the plaque be with you.
Submitted by Vomit (user info) at 2005-02-14 12:00:24 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Good one, butt burgler.
Submitted by Caulaincourt (user info) at 2005-02-14 11:50:04 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Eric Rice, is that you?
Submitted by Vomit (user info) at 2005-02-14 11:38:23 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Does ew hate me, wittle fwench fairy??? Fuck off and seperate already. Canada doesn't want you.
Submitted by Vomit (user info) at 2005-02-13 21:16:42 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
This reeks of bullshit.
Submitted by c1ndy (user info) at 2005-02-13 19:20:31 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Hairsphincter (user info) at 2005-02-13 19:08:49 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I would blow you. It would not be annoying.
Submitted by podium (user info) at 2005-02-12 21:50:36 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Queerbecker.
Submitted by Bigmike (user info) at 2005-02-12 01:57:19 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Submitted by Caulaincourt (user info) at 2005-02-10 22:28:50 (#)
Ranking: 0
some people have odd rating criterias.
Dear Kettle,
You're black.
Signed,
Pot
Submitted by Caulaincourt (user info) at 2005-02-12 01:49:57 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
and "perspicace" is a rather common word for us. I just figured you silly guys added some "cious" suffix at the end.
I am perspicacious.
Submitted by Caulaincourt (user info) at 2005-02-12 01:48:29 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
www.hyperdictionary.com bitch!
Submitted by JohnGalt (user info) at 2005-02-12 00:34:55 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Caulaincourt (user info) at 2005-02-10 21:56:57 (#)
Ranking: 0
You're perspicacious.
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Looks like somebody has recently upgraded their English dictionary.
Submitted by CookieLass (user info) at 2005-02-11 16:02:17 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by zakalwe (user info) at 2005-02-10 12:25:25 (#)
Ranking: 0
Why is your written English so good, and your spoken so poor?
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Fuck you... his spoken english makes me tingly in mah girly places.
Submitted by Caulaincourt (user info) at 2005-02-11 15:57:30 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Too bad I have a festering cyst on my nose, I would definitly go out tonight. Well, it's more like a small post-purberty eruption but it renders me self-conscious :~(
And also because I'm currently poor and have to paint my fucking apartment tomorrow early.
Submitted by ess-arr (user info) at 2005-02-11 15:23:55 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Caulaincourt (user info) at 2005-02-10 13:02:20 (#)
Ranking: 0
Barouf is great...lots of different people. I forgot about that place.
You can always go to the Dogue, right next to it, it's not bad either.
------------------
Well IM going to be having a couple of yards of beer tonight that is for sure... and im hanging it with french people...!
Submitted by QueenAshlee (user info) at 2005-02-11 10:48:51 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Hehehehehe.
Oh man... annoying. While she was giving you head. There's a story for the grandkids...
Submitted by Dervel (user info) at 2005-02-11 10:47:53 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
They did in England.
Submitted by Caulaincourt (user info) at 2005-02-11 10:44:35 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
they never did
Submitted by Dervel (user info) at 2005-02-11 10:39:15 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Why don't they use a real potato anymore?
Submitted by Caulaincourt (user info) at 2005-02-10 22:28:50 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
some people have odd rating criterias.
Submitted by DogWings (user info) at 2005-02-10 22:09:15 EST (#)
Ranking: -1
What kind of person "sips" cheap beer? You lost me at sip.
Submitted by Caulaincourt (user info) at 2005-02-10 21:56:57 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
You're perspicacious.
Submitted by corn_nugget (user info) at 2005-02-10 21:53:09 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Why'd you let her call you that?
Oh wait- she was going to give you sex... nevermind.
Submitted by JohnGalt (user info) at 2005-02-10 21:52:28 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Caulaincourt (user info) at 2005-02-10 21:46:50 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
SHE called ME patate. Not the other way around
Submitted by corn_nugget (user info) at 2005-02-10 21:45:57 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
haha... you're so hot that she let the potato head comment slide.
You could have talked your way out of the annoying comment, too.
Submitted by Razor (user info) at 2005-02-10 17:38:09 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Solid +2
Submitted by Durae (user info) at 2005-02-10 17:21:55 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Understood. And another +2 that doesn't count for anything besides heat.
Submitted by Caulaincourt (user info) at 2005-02-10 16:41:37 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Durae (user info) at 2005-02-10 16:21:15 (#)
Ranking: 2
If by on crack you mean bored and in a good mood, then sure Dori.
Caul, how is mourning the demise of romance PMS-related? I'm being argumentative because it's fun, but maybe you could *never* understand what that feels like.
---
I have experienced romance silly. Many times. I just don't share that since just about everyone experience it in their own ways.
Submitted by Durae (user info) at 2005-02-10 16:21:15 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
If by on crack you mean bored and in a good mood, then sure Dori.
Caul, how is mourning the demise of romance PMS-related? I'm being argumentative because it's fun, but maybe you could *never* understand what that feels like.
Submitted by Caulaincourt (user info) at 2005-02-10 15:59:31 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Durae (user info) at 2005-02-10 15:35:19 (#)
Ranking: 2
Nooo, no more cynicism! God dammit, where did all the romance go.
---
PMS much?
And divorces aren't fair...not here anyway.
Submitted by lojope (user info) at 2005-02-10 15:48:35 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Jesus, Durae are you on crack this afternoon? You are camping everyone like a motherfucker. :oP
Submitted by Durae (user info) at 2005-02-10 15:35:19 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Nooo, no more cynicism! God dammit, where did all the romance go.
Also, I don't think that sort of divorce settlement happens anymore, they're more fair now, judging from what my parents are going through.
Submitted by Caulaincourt (user info) at 2005-02-10 15:33:05 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
can I ask for a +2 Schwarz...just once...come on. Please?
Submitted by Schwarzes_Glas (user info) at 2005-02-10 15:27:21 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Eh... .5 rounded up.
Submitted by strwbryfanatic (user info) at 2005-02-10 15:25:52 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by strwbryfanatic (user info) at 2005-02-10 15:24:43 (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 Vodka!
no clsas
Submitted by Caulaincourt (user info) at 2005-02-10 15:24:47 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Durae (user info) at 2005-02-10 15:20:54 (#)
Ranking: 2
But... I want a *believable* happy ending.
---
So you want a divorce settlement in which the wife gets the house and all the money? =P
Submitted by Durae (user info) at 2005-02-10 15:20:54 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
But... I want a *believable* happy ending.
Submitted by lojope (user info) at 2005-02-10 15:19:35 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm SOOO glad you decided to post this story. It's the funniest fucking thing I have EVER heard.
Submitted by Lyric (user info) at 2005-02-10 15:13:10 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I fucking love this story.
Submitted by Caulaincourt (user info) at 2005-02-10 14:37:51 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Durae (user info) at 2005-02-10 14:25:41 (#)
Ranking: 2
...I'd like to hear some happy endings occasionally.
---
Watch every movie made by Hugh Grants in the last decade, you'll have your happy ending romance.
Submitted by Durae (user info) at 2005-02-10 14:25:41 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
...I'd like to hear some happy endings occasionally. Trauma, humiliation and blue balls only go so far to entertain me.
Submitted by Nicole3 (user info) at 2005-02-10 14:21:16 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
aaahahaha, that was great.
Usually I just end up using 5 words when one would have sufficed, if I had known it. When I was up in Montreal, I stopped at a diner early one morning (it was one of the only places open to eat) and ordered "eggs with yolks that are not hard" instead of "over easy".
Submitted by Caulaincourt (user info) at 2005-02-10 13:48:03 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
I've a good dates...but who wants to hear about the times people ate in nice restaurants and were happy?
Submitted by Durae (user info) at 2005-02-10 13:44:00 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Has anyone in the history of Uber EVER had a good fucking date? Seriously people. Either you're married or you're floundering.
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2005-02-10 13:32:23 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
see, this is why Mexican whores are the best.
Submitted by Caulaincourt (user info) at 2005-02-10 13:02:20 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Barouf is great...lots of different people. I forgot about that place.
You can always go to the Dogue, right next to it, it's not bad either.
Submitted by ess-arr (user info) at 2005-02-10 12:58:55 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
The Lodge is pretty mixed, last time I went. I'm actually going to Barouf (I think thats what its called) On friday with my francophone friends, maybe there will be une belle la bas...
Submitted by hairycoo (user info) at 2005-02-10 12:53:42 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
haha
think your English is better than mine.. which is pretty sad
Submitted by Caulaincourt (user info) at 2005-02-10 12:52:18 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by ess-arr (user info) at 2005-02-10 12:38:29 (#)
Ranking: 2
C-court-- I broke up with my girlfriend, we should hit the town, you introduce me to french chicks and I'll introduce you to english chicks... then we could trade back if we wanted...
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do you know mixed anglo/franco bars except les Foufs (which only holds fat punks)?
I don't any other one.
Submitted by TigerLilly (user info) at 2005-02-10 12:50:03 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Get on AIM and talk to me damn you.
Submitted by Jack_McCallum (user info) at 2005-02-10 12:47:48 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I wish you had gotten the payoff that this story has. Excellent.
Submitted by Jeanneee (user info) at 2005-02-10 12:47:11 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Haha! That sucks. She should have been more understanding. It must have been obvious that your English is not that good.
Submitted by ess-arr (user info) at 2005-02-10 12:38:29 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
C-court-- I broke up with my girlfriend, we should hit the town, you introduce me to french chicks and I'll introduce you to english chicks... then we could trade back if we wanted...
Submitted by Kraven (user info) at 2005-02-10 12:37:05 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
ouch, your english does suck
Submitted by Caulaincourt (user info) at 2005-02-10 12:33:11 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by zakalwe (user info) at 2005-02-10 12:25:25 (#)
Ranking: 0
Why is your written English so good, and your spoken so poor?
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I don't practice my spoken english much.
Almost never. It's a lot harder than written.
Submitted by Teephphah (user info) at 2005-02-10 12:31:11 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I wish I had your problems.
Submitted by ess-arr (user info) at 2005-02-10 12:30:34 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Uh...why ahr yoo cauling me dat four?"
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you speaking english, is like me speaking drunk...
Submitted by Pentameter (user info) at 2005-02-10 12:30:11 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by zakalwe (user info) at 2005-02-10 12:27:26 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by zakalwe (user info) at 2005-02-10 12:25:25 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Why is your written English so good, and your spoken so poor?
Submitted by indoninja (user info) at 2005-02-10 12:21:13 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Are you serious?
If you don't know how to talk dirty, just moan for christs sake!
Submitted by Caulaincourt (user info) at 2005-02-10 12:17:02 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
munkey - this is really the only word I could find in the context.
I reread this and this is full of errors. Words missing, especially.
Be merciful, oh anglophones =O (<- that's me sucking your collective cock)
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2005-02-10 12:15:01 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
You know what we do with an Irish patate?
We make FRENCH fries!
Funny story, by the way.
Submitted by munkeypants (user info) at 2005-02-10 12:13:45 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
hahahahaha.. awww poor caul!
of all the adjectives you could have used, you picked annoying??
Submitted by Caulaincourt (user info) at 2005-02-10 12:12:45 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
"...something worthy of my life..."
Correction: "...something worthy WITH my life..."