Uber Tonight: Interview with GLALL (1035 hits)
Category: HumorRating: 2 on 20 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by <xenon> (View user info) at 2005-02-10 12:53:04 EST
Thank you for joining us here on Uber Tonight. If you'll remember, last week we previewed an exclusive interview that we scored with the King of Randomness, GodLovesALittleLovin. Tonight, we bring you that interview in its entirety. Our reporter, Xenon sat down with the infamous GLALL to find out about his life off the screen. We present to you Xenon's interview with GLALL entitled "GLALL: Man of Mystery, or Psychotic, Drug-Addicted, Pornographic Mad-Man?"
X: GLALL, thank you for joining us today. It's wonderful to finally get a chance to sit down and find out all about the REAL GodLovesALittleLovin.
G: First of all I'm standing up, Xenon. I'm not sitting down in this piece of shit you call a loveseat. No cushions, no aroma therapy, I...I don't know about this. You said you were going to give me five dollars and tickets to arena football. I don't see any goddamn footballs or strung-out players who couldn't make the pros. This van is kind of creeping me out as well. Why can't we go into your house again? It's haunted by alligators? I can relate.
X: We saw recently in post http://www.ubersite.com/m/57058 that you seem to be an aspiring artist. I know that was a shock to me. Care to expound upon your artistic endeavors?
G: I still can't get over all these goddamn Fritos lying all over the place.
Got any dip? What was the question? Rednecks? Art? Fuck art. Want to know why I really paint pictures? Why I painted fucking white dog? He is trapped inside that painting. His soul. I paint for a higher power. I paint for Ted Danson. That motherfucker has got some money. He loved fucking white dog, and he loved to collect the souls of his dying loved ones in a portrait so the eyes would glimmer when you look at it. One day I will paint a self-portrait, and trap my soul forever in canvas just so that son of a bitch can sell it when he's 78 for a new golf cart.
X: GLALL, you're a popular guy on Uber. You seem to have a plethora of friends, and no enemies, well...that is if you don't count that pesky white dog. What's your secret? What advice can you give to aspiring authors so that they too may become loved by all?
G: Easy. Let me run down the list of Uber commandments I made up an hour ago when god spoke to me on top of a mountain and told me I smell like cinnamon. Well....it's...that it's not really a list of commandments, just more like a bunch of random and nonsensical statements...
I shall now declare the 4 commandments of Uber because even 5 is too goddamn many...and actually commandments are gay so I'm not going to do that either.
Take that, god. Want to be popular? Want your stuff to be read? Make a movie about your life and make sure that it has Charlize Theron in it as a nun who exposes her breasts to save the proud and beautiful bald eagle. Also masturbate to pictures of bald eagles at least twice a week. After you accomplish this task, post seven times about your friend who slits her wrists during hippy protests and fucks a retard with a shovel in the back of a Nissan every day after cheerleading practice. Change it up and write a post about another user or write a paragraph about how much everyone else sucks. Post pictures of gaping assholes and black people dressed up as Santa Claus, getting hit in the face by a fire hydrant or some sort of dildo. Watch the hits come pouring in!
(On a serious note, unclench your ass. It's just a website.)
X: Since we all know that everything written on Uber is truth in its purest, most unadulterated form, based on your stories; you seem to have hobnobbed with some big stars. There's John Stamos, Macho Man Randy Savage, Tony Danza, Gene Simmons, David Blaine, Brad Pitt, and the chick from Dairy Queen just to name a few. How can a crazy, fun-loving guy such as yourself be so liked by all, even Hollywood's finest?
G: Sex.
X: GLALL, you've come from humble roots, and you've clearly maintained that attitude though your rise to fame has been a rocky one. Care to share any parting words with the biggest GLALL admirers and groupies in our audience tonight?
G: What you need:
1. All the ingredients for brownies (home made recipe or ready to make) (the only thing we are fucking with is the fat.)
2. About a half ounce to an ounce of pot (half ounce got me and friends totally fucked up)
3. A frying pan.
Preparing the Brownies:
1. Alright first take all the oil that is supposed to be used in the recipe.
If there is no oil then use the fat or butter instead. Now take this oil and put it in the frying pan at a medium heat on the stove. Melt the butter/oil and heat it up a little.
2. Dump in all the weed (make sure ALL seeds and stems are removed, this is important!) Now what we're going to do is stir around the weed in the oil and get it mixed in really well. Stir it for about 3-5 minutes. Now what you're doing is when the leaves are heated it breaks down the cell wall and releases THC. Now THC is a fat-soluble chemical so the butter/oil will absorb it.
3. Take the oil and poor it through a sifter. This is to get out all the weed (you can take this and say its highly resonated chronic nugs). Now use the oil as needed for the recipe and follow the rest of the instructions.
WHATEVER YOU DO, DO NOT PUT STRAIGHT WEED INTO BROWNIES!!!!
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
I copied this off the internet just to say that the person who wrote this is
a complete fucking moron. Want good pot brownies? Take 5 lbs. of marijuana and start eating it by the handful. Eat a Little Debby brownie. I just saved you one hour of your life. You can thank me tomorrow when you finally remember your name and that your keys are safely tucked in a sandwich baggy I rammed up your ass last night. God you were so wasted. Now get out. You can chill Xenon; you still owe me five dollars. Plus interest. That's like another eight cents.
Seriously, I want money for this.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
Well, there you have it, folks. The answers you've been dying to know straight from the horse's mouth. It was later learned that GLALL was under the influence of several mind and body altering substances. It was five shots of Jack Daniels, two Yellow Jackets (which are apparently caffeine pills), and marijuana to be exact. He was soon admitted to The Barry Manilow Memorial Drug and Alcohol Addiction Rehabilitation Center where he is currently receiving the care he needs...that is being forced to listen to "Manilow Sings Sinatra" on repeat. GLALL, if you're listening, we're pulling for you, man. We wish you the best, and hope to see some of your work soon again.
For now, this is Uber Tonight, saying, "Good Night."
Here is an exclusive photo we've obtained from GLALL's publicist Mark Spitz taken inside the rehab center.
User Reviews
Submitted by MANICMOTHER (user info) at 2005-02-11 20:21:01 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
So many..... where.... brownies.......comandments........Barry Manilow
I'll get back to you when my brain reconfigures.
Submitted by xenon (user info) at 2005-02-11 08:07:42 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by WhatTheHell (user info) at 2005-02-10 12:58:45 (#)
Ranking: 2
Interview me man!!
Come on !!!!
----------
send an email to our inquiries adress below.
Submitted by MrRottenTreats (user info) at 2005-02-10 20:59:59 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
have a nice +2 for supporting uberfaces 2005
Submitted by tinactin (user info) at 2005-02-10 18:49:08 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
GLALL=Auto +2
Submitted by Stin (user info) at 2005-02-10 18:20:03 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
GLALL rocks.
Submitted by Pentameter (user info) at 2005-02-10 17:16:24 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
GLALL = auto +2.
I would have given this a +2 anyway. It's damn good.
Submitted by NerfHerder (user info) at 2005-02-10 15:26:57 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Sidenote: Mary Hart has her legs insured for a million dollars. Good call, Mary.
Submitted by GodLovesALittleLovin (user info) at 2005-02-10 15:09:16 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
By the way where the fuck is Mary Hart? God, those legs...makes me feel 13 all over again sitting in my beanbag chair and giving her the business. In my mind.
Submitted by zakalwe (user info) at 2005-02-10 14:03:52 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
GLALGLALL
Submitted by xenon (user info) at 2005-02-10 13:50:43 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by GodLovesALittleLovin (user info) at 2005-02-10 13:44:40 (#)
Ranking: 2
Xenon is the new John Tesh of Ubersite since John Tesh left two weeks ago because he was getting sick of all the "crap" posts about him and his music.
-------------
Hell yeah! That bitch, Tesh, ain't got nothin' on me!
Submitted by GodLovesALittleLovin (user info) at 2005-02-10 13:44:40 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Xenon is the new John Tesh of Ubersite since John Tesh left two weeks ago because he was getting sick of all the "crap" posts about him and his music.
Submitted by xenon (user info) at 2005-02-10 13:19:56 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by GodLovesALittleLovin (user info) at 2005-02-10 13:16:50 (#)
Ranking: 2
Spam is a disgusting canned meat xenon. I am camping. Huge fucking difference, I think.
----------------------
Damn you and your literary conundrums!
Submitted by GodLovesALittleLovin (user info) at 2005-02-10 13:16:50 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Spam is a disgusting canned meat xenon. I am camping. Huge fucking difference, I think.
Submitted by munkeypants (user info) at 2005-02-10 13:05:16 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
http://www.ubersite.com/m/46592
this is what happens when you leave in the stems and seeds
and just pour a pound into the brownie mix.
GLALL's having my ass babies.
Submitted by xenon (user info) at 2005-02-10 13:04:58 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by GodLovesALittleLovin (user info) at 2005-02-10 13:00:23 (#)
Ranking: 2
I just masturbated to this post and xenon's unbelievably eye-opening questions. The picture helped speed up the process.
------------
First: HOW DARE YOU SPAM MY POST?!
Second: Yes, your picture does stare deep into one's soul and cause the individual to rethink one's sexual orientation.
Submitted by GodLovesALittleLovin (user info) at 2005-02-10 13:00:23 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I just masturbated to this post and xenon's unbelievably eye-opening questions. The picture helped speed up the process.
Submitted by GodLovesALittleLovin (user info) at 2005-02-10 12:58:45 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Xenon knows how to treat his guests right!
Submitted by WhatTheHell (user info) at 2005-02-10 12:58:45 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Interview me man!!
Come on !!!!
Submitted by GodLovesALittleLovin (user info) at 2005-02-10 12:58:07 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
B@W
Submitted by xenon (user info) at 2005-02-10 12:54:31 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Think you've got what it takes to be interviewed on Uber Tonight?
Email us at xenonsupra.at.gmail.com for an audition.