Fuck this shit, I'll post under my own name (1062 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1.38 on 23 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Zoidberg (View user info) at 2005-02-10 14:13:09 EST
Fate
By the time you hear the sirens, it's too late. The missiles are flying, the tornado is coming, the fire is burning and the prison riot is right at your door. Your veins flood with ice water, your stomach swallows itself and legs that were strong a second ago forget how to walk. The impossible scenario inescapably becomes insurmountable, inestimably timed fate. And the only sound you hear before the storm freight trains its way into your life travels on a voice that sounds just...like...yours.
Fuck.
Yeah. You got that right.
Fate bludgeons its way into your life this day in the form of a 5'9 brunette with nice breasts. No fire or nuclear attack for you. She actually said yes. Poor bastard. You are so fucked.
"What was that?"
"Nothing," you mumble. "I'll call you at 8."
Here you stand at your own defining moment. This one is perfect. Well built, in shape, but not emaciated like the Mary Kate skeletons you see traipsing around. You like a little meat. You pay 5 dollars a month to keep little Ndugu Mwaga fed, so no way you're gonna bone some walking anatomy lesson.
But she's not too heavy either. Not that heavy is a bad thing anymore. All the 99 cent menus have made pimpin' it much easier, but here, it's not even an issue.
Brown hair that falls gently on her shoulders, perky 36 D's, pert red lips and baby shootin' hips. She's Italian and you can't help but get this image of her daddy blowing a kiss and uttering a heartfelt Mama Mia! at the moment of conception. This one's a keeper.
And yeah, you suppose she's beautiful on the inside too. Smart, polite, funny. Nothing you really care about but great for people who prefer that stuff over the important things.
But women are a complete and utter mystery to you. An enticing mystery, yeah, but then it's no mistake that their sex chromosomes are one "x" short of the most hardcore porn out there. For you, the storm has red hair. Or brown hair. Or blonde hair. It doesn't really matter. Your own "Y" chromosome sums it up nicely. All that matters to you in the end is you're male and she's well...not.
Well fuck, of course that's not all that matters. Sure as shooting, if things are going well, something is going to come along and fuck everything up. Fate is an uncaring, opportunistic bastard. Just as sure as your parents somehow always knew when to knock on the bathroom door, interrupting whatever illicit non-bathroom related deed you were in the middle of, so too will something come along and try to fuck this sweet deal up. Oh you'll try to be prepared. You'll have your best lines, your best ducks and weaves all prepared and carefully concealed under your 4.99 bottle of Axe. Sometimes it will work. You know you can think fast. That time you were sitting on the toilet, rolling a joint? Yeah, you remember that. Your parents knocked and loudly asked what you were doing, and did you freeze? Well, yeah. Actually you did. But after a few um's and uh's an answer hit you, an escape.
"Uh...masturbating."
Ok, so it wasn't the smoothest dodge, but it saved you an ounce. Triage baby. Save what you can, even if it's not your dignity. Besides from that point on, whenever your mom wanted help making dinner she'd stop, look at your hands, then call your sister instead. Tell me those aren't results?
But your parents are one thing. They're a known quantity. You can figure out how to deal with them and come out on top, relatively unscathed. But the behaviour of the opposite sex in relation to you. Man. Again. Are you ever fucked.
Don't believe me? Ok. Please explain this to me then.
Lifetime Television. Yeah, you know it. It has all these movies with fascinating womanly titles like "The Husband Who Hit" or "Not With My Baby". All the estrogen practically slaps you in the face for daring to have testicles. The entire channel is centered around empowering women and giving them the courage to make it in a man's world. It shows women they can solve crimes, right wrongs and be successful without being a baby-making machine that's chained to the vacuum cleaner. You have yet to meet a woman who doesn't like the channel. It tells them they are something, and capable of doing more then mopping the kitchen floor.
Yet the only way women receive this empowering message is...when they are at home. Vacuuming the floor. And taking care of the kids. Lifetime teaches women they don't have to stay in the house by keeping them...in...the...house?
Yeah. Makes no sense to me either. But just try changing the channel when your sister and mom are on the couch watching whatever wife-beating movie marathon is on at the time. Don't mistake those tears for gentleness, you'll lose your hand and the remote.
See why I'm agreeing that you're fucked? You haven't the first clue what to do. And that's just watching TV! Imagine if you have to talk to her? You don't know how to make small talk! And no, "So...had your period yet?" does not count as small talk.
Compliments you say! A hopeful gleam enters your eye. Women love compliments.
Ha! Think so? Women hate compliments. I don't know why. Don't believe me? Ok. See that girl? Go up to her and say "Nice tits". What, you don't want to? See! Compliments will fucking get you killed man!
It's nearly 8, you better give her a call.
Oh, damn. You slept with her cousin and didn't call her back? Well that's not that big a deal, c'mon boyo you can think your way out of this one.
"Well yeah, Annie, maybe she did get gonorrhea, but I don't see what the big deal is." **Good, good, play it down.** "I mean, come on baby." **Smooth, good job. The baby is a nice touch. Now for the slam dunk.** "At least I'm not Hitler" **DAMN you are good.**
What? She hung up on you? Huh. I know exactly why. Ready for this?
She realized that you didn't kill 6 million Jews, and was embarrassed she made a big deal out of something so inconsequential. Yeah I'd probably hang up too.
So cheer up man. She'll call back, and if she doesn't, you've got your own bathroom, free from your parent's knocking hands.
User Reviews
Submitted by Bickerstaff (user info) at 2005-04-03 18:37:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Ok, so it wasn't the smoothest dodge, but it saved you an ounce. Triage baby. Save what you can, even if it's not your dignity. Besides from that point on, whenever your mom wanted help making dinner she'd stop, look at your hands, then call your sister instead. Tell me those aren't results?
Nice.
But seriously, chics man, who wants to know? Not me and I'll tell ya why: not only
would my head explode with the number of calculations they pull, but once I knew what
actually happened inside a womans head, I'd have a hell of a time sleeping ever again
knowing that demons walk the earth.
Submitted by FilthyAssistant (user info) at 2005-04-03 18:11:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I really like this.
Submitted by CanucksFan (user info) at 2005-04-03 17:55:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
No Comment
Submitted by jack11058 (user info) at 2005-02-27 09:13:37 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
still great
Submitted by jayjonze (user info) at 2005-02-20 00:27:39 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Breakdown of a Fat Tony post
1.Tony goes somewhere.
2.Tony cusses.
3.Stranger makes perfectly reasonable request.
4.Tony overreacts to the point that you can actually *see* the sand spilling out of his irritated vagina.
5.In real life Tony sputters back "Your mother" or something equally infantile and runs away, but in his Uber post.
6.Posts steps 1-5 on Uber except changing the "Your mother" exchange to one where he proceeds to eloquently tear apart earlier mentioned person in a rant worthy of George Carlin
----------------------
+2 For this
Submitted by polyamorousaj (user info) at 2005-02-14 20:08:54 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
You need to write more.
Submitted by Caulaincourt (user info) at 2005-02-14 15:52:11 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Hairsphincter (user info) at 2005-02-13 19:18:04 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
A point for each of your hot ass cheeks.
You sexy man.
Submitted by Circe (user info) at 2005-02-10 20:57:27 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Fuck.
Fucking awesome.
Submitted by Kakashi-Sensei (user info) at 2005-02-10 19:21:34 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Good article with nice points. Next time put a decent title on it though...
Submitted by Adamdidit2u (user info) at 2005-02-10 16:25:06 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Fuck it
I liked it the fist time
Submitted by tragiksaint (user info) at 2005-02-10 14:47:40 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
some entirely valid points ..
Submitted by Zoidberg (user info) at 2005-02-10 14:36:58 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
awwwwwww poor Nitty. He's still smarting from the -2 I gave him
People take this site way too seriously I swear
I wonder if he'll spam me if I neg 2 a few of his posts?
man, no wonder koolmang was like he was, being a jerk is fun
Submitted by WhatTheHell (user info) at 2005-02-10 14:32:49 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
HAHAHA!!
"not high art"
ain't THAT the truth!
Submitted by Zoidberg (user info) at 2005-02-10 14:32:14 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
naw yours was amusing. not high art but at least a distraction while Im working
Submitted by nitty34 (user info) at 2005-02-10 14:31:54 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Auto repost -2
Submitted by WhatTheHell (user info) at 2005-02-10 14:29:55 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
either way, all the garbage posts today I figured a repost wouldn't hurt
-----
\
HEY, I resemble that remark!!
Submitted by Zoidberg (user info) at 2005-02-10 14:25:47 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
pretty much. There are people who like to read my posts and people who like to neg two me so now everyone can see it.
either way, all the garbage posts today I figured a repost wouldn't hurt
Submitted by WhatTheHell (user info) at 2005-02-10 14:21:30 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
** DISCLAIMER FOR THE MORONS LIKE ME **
He posted it earlier under an alter, or different name.... got no hits and decided to repost as himself.... for the name recognition... because it was GOOD and deserved to be seen.
Get it ?
Submitted by wtf_is_going_on (user info) at 2005-02-10 14:18:53 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
What does this have to do with the title?
Submitted by WhatTheHell (user info) at 2005-02-10 14:18:27 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
DOH... now I get it.
nevermind
Submitted by Jeanneee (user info) at 2005-02-10 14:16:42 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
This is good but didn't you post this same thing word for word about 3 hours ago?
Submitted by WhatTheHell (user info) at 2005-02-10 14:15:49 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Good shit.......
What's with the title though ?