Virginity For Sail (1511 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1.46 on 26 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by 1Point21Gigawatts (View user info) at 2005-02-10 16:53:27 EST
The discordant clashing of canvas and rope, impersonal GPS coordinate readings, assorted bags of potato chips and beer bottles...remind me, won't you, why some people don't love The America's Cup? Personally (that means when I say "I," I'm referring to myself, as opposed to someone else) I love the regatta. I love it so much, I wish The America's Cup was every fucking day of the year. In fact, my imaginary fantasy is similar to Willow starring Warwick Davis, only it's not about Willow, and it doesn't star Warwick Davis. Like everything else, it's about me, and my favorite day—The America's Cup race. It starts with me bouncing out of bed at the screech of my alarm clock and pissing my Knight Rider pajama pants on the way to the bathroom in pure giddy anticipation. I run a cold shower and shotgun a Heineken keg can, taking mental notes on how to make my starboard tacks. Subsequently I hop into my International 470, turn up Ricky Martin, and apply mascara while going twenty-two knots on the intercoastal waterway. I straddle two handicapped men on the shore of the Great South Bay, and do handsprings over competing sailors before the entrance of the Yacht Club, where the sale on pink polo shirts has ended a mere five minutes ago. The cashier is generous enough to offer me some Chapstick with my purchase of a phallic-shaped bottle of Anchor Steam, so I pay him with a compensatory Cleveland Steamer near the bulkhead. Throngs of 40-year-olds are still flashing their balls in the doorway, so naturally I spray them with my phallic beer, only to discover that it's not filled with beer, but pure salt water. The salt water seems never-ending, and I'm forced to watch as the facial flesh of innocent sailors slowly becomes drier and drier. And the best part is, I get to do it all over again the next day, and the day after, and the day after, and the day after, until half of my crew has declared mutiny and chops off my testicles. Finally, one morning I walk outside to find that the America's Cup is over and the entire ocean has been disappeared because of el Nino, except for a small lake across from my house, where the dock slips are free, "One Crazy Summer" airs nonstop, and every lifeguard is Chris Farley.
Ha, ha. Just kidding. I sometimes lose sight of the real reason for The America's Cup, but a simple heart-to-heart with a loved one will remind me that the televised failure of France, year by year, is worth celebrating. In observance of the seaworthiness of catamarans and unplanned cross winds coming about, of cheap beer and Pringles, of mind-numbing "Voyage of the Mimi" daytime specials, I've decided to do something different this America's Cup. I'm auctioning off my anal virginity. Foot jobs and waiting for that someone worked from sixth grade until I received my PhD, and I've recently learned that my asshole produces about the same amount of testosterone as Kurt Russell, so there's no point in worrying about getting it stuck up in there. It'll be great, we'll share an awkward night of ass sex on my boat, after which I'll leave a sailor's cap in your glove compartment, crying because you won't use the word "ahoy".
So do I hear ten dollars? Five? A bag of Slim Jim Beef Jerky? Forget it, I'll search the lower decks of a Navy Aircraft Carrier for a guy whose nails are polished and try my luck.
Take your functional prostate glands and shove them, uh, down your throats. Prego, as they say in Italy. I hope your self-heating hand warmers catch your Nautica gloves on fire. Happy America's Cup, you fucking homophobic land-lubbers.
User Reviews
Submitted by Dustbrother (user info) at 2005-02-14 10:08:03 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
SUPER BOMBER MAN!
Submitted by MyNameIsTim (user info) at 2005-02-12 07:52:51 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by munkeypants (user info) at 2005-02-11 01:48:52 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
OMG SAVE ME FROM THE MONSTER PARAGRAPHS!
Submitted by Adjomak (user info) at 2005-02-10 21:02:32 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Thank you Plural. If You really need to look at my penis, believe me I will definitely stand to attention.
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2005-02-10 19:04:56 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
the televised failure of France, year by year, is worth celebrating.
________
fuckin' GOLDEN, man
Submitted by LadyPlural (user info) at 2005-02-10 18:47:05 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
And repeatedly.
Submitted by LadyPlural (user info) at 2005-02-10 18:46:47 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
A lot.
Submitted by LadyPlural (user info) at 2005-02-10 18:45:12 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I mean, seriously, I apologize.
Submitted by LadyPlural (user info) at 2005-02-10 18:44:43 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by LadyPlural (user info) at 2005-02-10 18:44:31 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I am a fucktard.
Submitted by LadyPlural (user info) at 2005-02-10 18:44:04 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
O
Submitted by LadyPlural (user info) at 2005-02-10 18:43:50 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
S
Submitted by LadyPlural (user info) at 2005-02-10 18:43:28 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Adjomak, is that your penis you're talking about or an actual sandwich?
Submitted by Adjomak (user info) at 2005-02-10 18:06:06 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
HAHAHAHAHA. Seriously though, how does a two week old 6 inch sub from a subway with a D+ health rating sound to you? Hmm? Hmm?
Get back to me
Submitted by hidden101 (user info) at 2005-02-10 17:20:35 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
hahahahahahahaha
Submitted by TigerLilly (user info) at 2005-02-10 17:17:12 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
This is going to need some heat!
Submitted by 1Point21Gigawatts (user info) at 2005-02-10 17:16:13 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Aww, my first parody!
AHOY!
Submitted by TigerLilly (user info) at 2005-02-10 17:08:25 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Pentameter (user info) at 2005-02-10 17:07:20 (#)
Ranking: 2
Hahahahahaa...hilarious parody.
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Right on! Well done Gig.
Submitted by Davros (user info) at 2005-02-10 17:08:04 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I believe the first paragraph was sarcasm.
If I am wrong I will correct this rating.
-Dave
Submitted by Pentameter (user info) at 2005-02-10 17:07:20 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Hahahahahaa...hilarious parody.
Submitted by Saxon (user info) at 2005-02-10 17:06:07 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Um Er! Ahoy! Um hello thailor.
Submitted by 1Point21Gigawatts (user info) at 2005-02-10 17:05:56 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Fuck the most heated list.
Tomorrow I'm gonna post a picture of my nutsack. We'll see how many hits that gets.
Submitted by bob (user info) at 2005-02-10 17:02:07 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
boooooooo
you sauck!
Submitted by Badlands (user info) at 2005-02-10 17:00:04 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
What the fuck?
But +2 for a world where "One Crazy Summer" airs non-stop.
Submitted by DonkeyOnTheEdge (user info) at 2005-02-10 16:55:17 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
ATTN GHEY M... oh never mind.
Submitted by 1Point21Gigawatts (user info) at 2005-02-10 16:53:52 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Knocking my own ass off the front page, biotch!
Fuck you all.