I am the villain of Valentine's day (1211 hits)
Category: RomanceRating: 1.93 on 22 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by L.G. <el2tha.g.at.gmail.com> (View user info) at 2005-02-10 17:46:52 EST
Ah, Valentine's Day. A day when men scramble to do nice things for their significant others. They buy them gifts, take them to dinner, propose, etc. All because they love their girlfriend/wife/boyfriend(ATTN GHEY MENZ), right? Hell no. They do this because, if they do not, they will spend the night alone and will not get any for at least a week. And the women, they enjoy this because it shows them how much their man loves them right? AHAHAH LOL ROFL!!!11!!1 No. They enjoy it because, somehow, it validates them and they can brag to their friends, co-workers, nail and hair lady, mailman, pool boy(who she's also fucking), grocery bagger, gardener(also fucking), and that one bitch she hates that she's always trying to out-do.
Now you should be able to tell by now that I think Valentine's is bullshit. Hallmark has found a way to control the actions of men across the world. But what about the single men? Do we care? Hell no. The single women, however, get very sad if they don't have a Valentine. This is where us single men have the opportunity to turn into the VD(the day, stupid) villain: The Consoler.
The Consoler is friendly. He makes friends with all of the women he can in the month before VD. He sees how much they yearn for a Valentine. He is a listener, there to hear all of their incessant whining about how they are going to be so lonely on this Monday, February 14th. The Consoler is also a sneaky little fuck. He will come off very friendly, perhaps asking "Hey, you want to do something Monday? You know, just some single people who hate Valentine's going out for a good time?" The woman, afraid of being alone on VD, usually accepts. The Consoler picks her up Monday night, takes her out for some fun, and makes sure she has a good VD. She loves The Consoler at this point in time. He is there for her when nobody else is. He has turned the day she dreaded into a wonderful day. This is where The Consoler makes his move. He manages to get her home, either his home or hers, it does not matter. They talk for a while, and chances are that they both have alcohol in their system. It is only a matter of time. They could head to the bedroom that night, or they could not. If they do, his mission is accomplished. He has consoled a lonely soul and gotten his sweet reward. If not, he does not worry. He knows he is now seen as a sweet and caring guy, and it will only be a matter of time before she gives in to desire. The Consoler knows all of this, and plans accordingly. Right now he is at work, school, home, or the free clinic, making a very serious decision. Which woman will I console this year?
Now this pic will probably get a few people pissed, so please understand that it was the first image in a google search for "the consoler".
User Reviews
Submitted by EAZEDZT (user info) at 2005-02-11 16:31:09 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I hate Valentine's day.
Submitted by HZRD (user info) at 2005-02-11 16:00:02 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
i know this was serious and i agree, it's fun and evil but all i could do was giggle every time i read VD.
Submitted by L-Gizzle (user info) at 2005-02-11 13:26:23 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Lojope i love you
Submitted by lojope (user info) at 2005-02-11 13:14:21 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
What's that you say? More HEAT?
Submitted by L-Gizzle (user info) at 2005-02-11 13:13:25 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
I got the chocolate condoms instead ;-)
what? lojope and tigerlilly naked? http://www.ubersite.com/m/59342
Submitted by Loren1 (user info) at 2005-02-11 13:10:08 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
I've never given a crap about Valentine's day. All it means to me is - a HASSLE - over-crowded, loud restaurants, shitty service, inflated prices on crappy flowers and candy, which I could also not give a shit about as I'm much too logical about what's worth spending money on - not to mention I don't like sweets. And let's face it, the mass produced, hot-house roses die in about 3.5 minutes. I've had to beg my boyfriends and spend way too much time convincing them that I didn't require the traditional nonsense. Their past relationships with women had them terrified of fucking up.
So. I've never been like that. AND, I've never understood why so many women "demand" the dinner, the gifts... any of that crap. I think it's more about competition among themselves. I'd love a flower a lot more when I least expected it. Or not. Whatever. There are too many more important areas of a relationship to pay attention to.
Like back rubs. I love back rubs. Unfortunately I give/receive on about a 9-to-1 ratio. Damn my hands... anyway, I'm off track...
This V-day I have the afternoon off, so I plan to go out and pick up filet mignon, fresh veggies... etc. and make an ass kicking dinner for me and the man-toy. Maybe even sushi. Yum. Then perhaps rent a movie and screw around. No cards, no flowers... people should forget all that stuff, it really only results in making people like Lisa feel even worse about their crappy situations. It's good for the economy though... so ahh... whatever.
Good luck in your consoling efforts. Don't forget the rose-colored condoms!
Submitted by L-Gizzle (user info) at 2005-02-11 13:09:17 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
yay for heat!!!
Submitted by lojope (user info) at 2005-02-11 13:08:55 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
It's getting hot hot hot!
Submitted by lojope (user info) at 2005-02-11 13:07:10 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
For heat
Submitted by whiskey_jack (user info) at 2005-02-11 12:27:13 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
It's nice to see more people showing how Jesus was such a pimp. He had a hooker friend, turned water into wine, and drove a purple 79'Cadilac
Submitted by L-Gizzle (user info) at 2005-02-11 11:19:19 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Fucker! You're giving away trade secrets. This is just bad battle strategy, you never show your hand and you never sell out your bretheren.
The funny thing is that at work (driving around in my truck delivering fattening food to fat people) I was checking out which bars I want to get hammered in on VD; deciding which place will have the best drunks to have "women are just cunts, they just want a piece of this" <grabbing crotch> conversations while we pound Budweiser and Jack Daniels products, all the while BADLY flirting with the single waitresses.
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I think we'll be OK, there are still plenty of women out there. I might hit up a "Singles and Mingle" party my friend is throwing. Bound to be some good pickings there.
Submitted by mrwolf (user info) at 2005-02-11 08:41:49 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Hey! Some of us really are taking these girls out to console them, making my intentions look sordid like that you bastard... ;)
Submitted by Banga3386 (user info) at 2005-02-11 01:59:10 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Fucker! You're giving away trade secrets. This is just bad battle strategy, you never show your hand and you never sell out your bretheren.
The funny thing is that at work (driving around in my truck delivering fattening food to fat people) I was checking out which bars I want to get hammered in on VD; deciding which place will have the best drunks to have "women are just cunts, they just want a piece of this" <grabbing crotch> conversations while we pound Budweiser and Jack Daniels products, all the while BADLY flirting with the single waitresses.
Banga
Submitted by Katastrofadark (user info) at 2005-02-10 23:34:23 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
What have I started? It was great though...as usual for you.
Submitted by screamfeeder (user info) at 2005-02-10 23:20:16 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I call Valintines Day "Fuck Africa Day"
Get it?
HAR HAR HAR
Submitted by thecaes (user info) at 2005-02-10 22:54:23 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I've been the Consoler...but apparently not with women who are desperate enough, because I've never...y'know...REALLY consoled her.
Submitted by L-Gizzle (user info) at 2005-02-10 18:36:44 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
I really resent the generalizations about women.
I'm fucking the grocery bagger, too.
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not the gardener or pool boy? i hear the garder is good with his hose and the pool boy can get you wet
Submitted by Orla (user info) at 2005-02-10 18:20:29 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I really resent the generalizations about women.
I'm fucking the grocery bagger, too.
Submitted by L-Gizzle (user info) at 2005-02-10 18:07:13 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
being the nice/caring guy has fucked me for life
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the key is being the nice/caring guy with bad intentions
Submitted by Sassmasterr (user info) at 2005-02-10 18:06:34 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
being the nice/caring guy has fucked me for life
Submitted by ruthless (user info) at 2005-02-10 17:51:51 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Valentine's Day is a crock of shit.
I kinda feel that way about all holidays except Thanksgiving and birthdays.
Submitted by Hadooken (user info) at 2005-02-10 17:48:51 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
i thought vodka was the consoler? at least for me it is