How Diana's Soused Chauffeurs' Bitch Cousin Ruined My Life (an explanation of sorts to my dear Merlina) (1287 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1.7 on 19 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Danger Ranger <harveyra.at.iprimus.com.au> (View user info) at 2005-02-11 08:38:21 EST
As terribly difficult as this is, I am consumed. The burden of guilt, the horrible dreams, the sleepless nights standing and staring out the window - north, toward Paris, have taken a dreadful toll. I will endeavour to change names, where applicable, to protect the guilty, but my only release is confession, and not being catholic, I turn to the internet. You are my Priest, so I come to you, cap in hand, and ask... forgive me father, for I have really fucked up this time...
It was January 1997, and I was attending my very first LAN party, an uber-geeky affair held in the local girl guides hall. As I approached the main entrance with my friend Big Steve, armed with our ninja pc's and expectations of absolutely thrashing everything inside to within an inch of it's life, I noticed an acne-scarred dweeb in a heavy army-surplus overcoat and camouflage pants standing at the foot of the stairs. "What the fuck is that?" I asked Big Steve. "That, my friend, is geek-chic." "I thought you said there would be girl guides? All I've seen so far are creepy little weirdos in army greens and glasses. Are you sure this is a LAN party? Looks more like a Stand By Me convention - every second one of these fuckers looks like Cory Feldman." "I said there MIGHT be girl guides mofo, it IS a girl guides hall." As we started climbing the four wooden steps that were in desperate need of a fresh coat of paint, the nerd in the overcoat whispered in a nasally, high-pitched whine, "Pssst, hey fellas, wanna buy a couple of usb convertors for your playstation controllers?" He opened up the right side of his coat to reveal a black promotional t-shirt emblazoned with the AMD(R) logo and his wares. "More geek-chic?" I asked. "Uh-huh. Nah, fuck off Jimmy Neutron." Big Steve muttered. "What's in the other side?" "A light-saber. It's not real." snorted Jimmy. "Give me your wallet, fuckface.", said Steve, and with that we made our way inside.
The hall was a seething mass of pimple-faced virgins, the air heavy with their collective only-wash- when-mum-watches-to-make-sure-we-do stench, and not one, comely, nubile, sixteen year old girl guide vixen amongst them. "This is fucked, Steve, and these cunts stink." "Of course they stink." He replied. "Filthy little turds. Most of them would rather piss in their pants than go to the toilet for fear of losing a game. Come on, there's some people I want you to meet."
At a table in the far back-corner, conspicuously set apart from the others, sat two very peculiar looking figures, one even more peculiar than something really, really peculiar..
"This is Danger_Ranger." Big Steve said to the two man-boys hunched over the table, their features illuminated by the dull glow of the monitors in front of them. "Sit down, comrade." said the less peculiar looking one. "Steve's told us all about you, name's Thorpe - and this is Williamson." he said, gesturing toward his companion, who was more peculiar looking than not just Thorpe, but something really, really peculiar.
Williamson started to sweat profusely. I glanced at the floor and saw a puddle, scattered amongst it empty chip packets and discarded coke cans. Flies were buzzing around the seat of his chair. "I told you not to use our real names - fuck Thorpe." "Okay, okay, this is Noam Chomsky, then." said Thorpe. "So, err, what are you playing?" I asked. "Counter Strike." replied Williamson, waving flies from his crotch. "Sheep." I thought. "Been playing long?" Again I looked at the puddle below his chair. "Haven't moved since last night." he replied. "Sit down." "No, I'd, ah, rather stand." I offered.
"We have urgent business to attend to, comrade Ranger." Thorpe said, without even looking away from his monitor. "WTF??" I thought, "That's twice now with the comrade malarky." I turned to look for Big Steve but he had vanished. "SIT!" Hissed Thorpe in an urgent, err, hiss. So I grabbed the remaining chair and pulled it as far away from Noam Williamson as I could, without wanting to sit so close to Thorpe that we'd look ghey, sat myself down, and started to sweat a little myself.
-To Be Continued- (unless, of course, you all hate it.)
User Reviews
Submitted by shadow (user info) at 2007-09-28 14:39:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
cute.
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2007-09-28 14:27:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by williamson (user info) at 2005-06-21 05:48:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Plus Two!
Submitted by DanielH (user info) at 2005-06-18 00:35:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by electrictoothsyndrome (user info) at 2005-04-02 14:15:03 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Not too familiar with any of you, but this isn't bad writing/.
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2005-03-17 05:27:08 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Danger_Ranger (user info) at 2005-03-08 06:32:48 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
-2 for making fun of my 'big' friends. Ahhh, I'm at peace with myself.
Submitted by williamson (user info) at 2005-02-16 04:14:33 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
HOLY FUCKING AWESOME
Submitted by mrwolf (user info) at 2005-02-15 08:58:08 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
this made me laugh a few times.
Submitted by Danger_Ranger (user info) at 2005-02-15 08:44:28 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Hidden has a time-machine.
Submitted by thorpe (user info) at 2005-02-15 08:36:05 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
WOOOOOOO
I'm a star!!!!
How'd you know I was a filthy commie?
Submitted by Merlina (user info) at 2005-02-13 11:19:41 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Looking forward to the next installment. I need more of an explanation..
Submitted by Danger_Ranger (user info) at 2005-02-11 12:53:16 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
No, Warren, that was your Dad, silly boy.
Submitted by UberPirate (user info) at 2005-02-11 12:24:47 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
You licked my peepee.
Submitted by Danger_Ranger (user info) at 2005-02-11 10:18:55 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Then at least she's not a fatty...
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No, but she has facial hair.
Submitted by phuzzygish (user info) at 2005-02-11 10:11:34 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Danger_Ranger (user info) at 2005-02-11 08:54:10 (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by UberPirate (user info) at 2005-02-11 08:45:04 (#)
Ranking: -2
I fucked your mom
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My mum has AIDS.
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Then at least she's not a fatty...
Submitted by Danger_Ranger (user info) at 2005-02-11 08:54:10 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by UberPirate (user info) at 2005-02-11 08:45:04 (#)
Ranking: -2
I fucked your mom
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My mum has AIDS.
Submitted by UberPirate (user info) at 2005-02-11 08:45:04 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
I fucked your mom.
Submitted by Danger_Ranger (user info) at 2005-02-11 08:39:08 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Aw, shit, I forgot to change the names.