They shoot horses, don't they? (1683 hits)
Category: NoneLabels: crap:humour
Rating: 1.79 on 62 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Circe <fickle.muse.at.gmail.com> (View user info) at 2005-02-11 11:15:24 EST
This morning I leapt out of bed to greet the day with a smile on my face and a song in my heart, had a healthy breakfast, shepherded my lovely children into our sporty car, and vroomed off to start my day with a bang.
Editorial comments have led to the preceding sentence being rewritten thusly:
This morning I stopped hitting the alarm clock half an hour after it first went off, and lurched into the bathroom to try and drown myself before the demons that have claimed my soul woke up. I was unsuccessful in my attempt, mainly because the basin is too small for my freakishly large head. I cried for a while and wandered around aimlessly for about ten minutes, muttering to myself about the ache I get in my neck when I sleep on less than two pillows.
I stumbled down the steps for my breakfast - stewed coffee and two cigarettes - and hid outside with them in the burning hot sun to delay the inevitable moment when the boy starts talking to me.
He found me within three minutes and the noise started, which I largely shut off as I plodded around the house Doing Things to get him ready for his six hour day of Not Annoying Me, aka school.
I dragged his sisters bodily to the car, both of them chattering away like really really irritating birds, and we all piled into the 95 Magna station wagon for the trip to school. I spent the ten minute drive weighing up the pros and cons of starting off my days with something methamphetamine based, and was halfway through a lovely fantasy about selling my body to large well endowed drug dealers in exchange for crystal when the raving lunatic of destruction I gave birth to pointed out that we'd missed the turnoff to his school.
He got out of the car, waved goodbye, and ran off to bug someone else and I glanced in the rear view mirror to reverse out of the parking lot.
And I saw it.
I have wrinkles.
I'm twenty five years old - almost twenty six - and I have wrinkles. Is this normal? Is it? NO! I stared at that damning reflection for about five minutes, observing the deep channels carved into my face by a quarter century of life.
Well, they may only be around my eyes, and maybe they aren't THAT deep yet, but the longer I looked the more things I saw until I had to go and buy a new handbag. That's what I always do when I'm scared by my age/my kids/my family/my future/bad dreams/my cat/the guy next door/oncoming traffic/the fact that I only have twenty eight handbags.
And then I came home.
And later, I did what I always do with stressful events.
I took a picture of it for you godamned ungrateful vultures to hover over and tear apart with your beaks and talons and DON'T PRETEND THAT'S NOT WHAT YOU DO I MAY BE OLD BUT I'M NOT STUPID!
User Reviews
Submitted by Fey (user info) at 2007-05-20 06:14:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I have no kids, but semi-permanent black bags under eyes. What's my excuse?
Submitted by PokeyPecker (user info) at 2005-06-29 13:13:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Danger_Ranger (user info) at 2005-03-13 04:30:00 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
They SHOOT horses??! The Americans???
Look, no wrinkles.
http://www.ubersite.com/m/61817
Submitted by BedOfHog (user info) at 2005-03-13 02:16:35 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
The Anatomy of an Old, Nasty, Ugly, Fugly, Seriously Nasty, Scabby Bitch.
Submitted by boneface (user info) at 2005-03-13 00:16:37 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by Socialist_Joe (user info) at 2005-02-18 07:10:08 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
erm
Submitted by Kent_Weirdo (user info) at 2005-02-18 06:54:49 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
It's not something to be afraid of or disgusted with, in my opinion. I'm 18 and I already have some wrinklage (is that a word?) appearing here and there. I think that little things like this give people character, be it weather-worn skin or gigantic ears or a dinosauric (is that a word, again?) penis (or sometimes two).
Yep... We're all going to be just fine...
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2005-02-13 22:22:41 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by LadyPlural (user info) at 2005-02-13 10:57:39 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Snark (user info) at 2005-02-13 01:07:02 (#)
Ranking: 2
I really like this picture.
I was prepared to say all sorts of dirty things but instead I'll just say what's on my mind.
You're beautiful.
Submitted by Circe (user info) at 2005-02-13 04:15:14 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Yes, they do. I haven't, because I'm bright enough to stay away from the large males, but I know of people who've hit one with their car, done the right thing and checked if they're okay, and been neatly sliced down the belly for their efforts.
Those buck males grow HUGE, and the back legs are enormously strong, and they have a very sharp spur on the back feet that can cause real damage.
Submitted by DanielH (user info) at 2005-02-13 03:35:18 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Meant "your" head (sp). And it was previous pic I saw, a few months back. Your head might be a tad bigger but not much. I watch Discovery Channel but they don't tell all, about roos I mean.
Submitted by DanielH (user info) at 2005-02-13 03:13:37 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Funny post.
But need to ask, do roos really attack? Have you ever been accosted by a roo? This site sort of links the world and I really want to know. (You're head didn't look large in the pic I saw of you, kind of dainty.)
Submitted by shitfuck (user info) at 2005-02-13 02:51:03 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
That's one hell of a grin.
Submitted by Snark (user info) at 2005-02-13 01:07:02 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I really like this picture.
I was prepared to say all sorts of dirty things but instead I'll just say what's on my mind.
You're beautiful.
Submitted by Bigmike (user info) at 2005-02-13 01:00:30 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm.............
Submitted by mrwolf (user info) at 2005-02-12 11:09:34 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Thank god I'm still beautiful and young. I was laughing at this from the outset as usual. Well done and post more.
Submitted by Awko (user info) at 2005-02-12 07:58:00 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by creep_firebombing (user info) at 2005-02-12 03:42:12 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Nonsense. I long to lick you.
Submitted by lessthanfour (user info) at 2005-02-12 01:17:30 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Bang.
Submitted by Durae (user info) at 2005-02-11 16:47:21 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I feel ya. I've been noticing some unhappy developments on my face as well, and I'm 20. my chain-smoking is probably not helping, but it feels so damn good.
Good news is, your eyes will always be beautiful.
By the way, I was really hoping the picture at the bottom was going to be of your new handbag. I'm a little sad that it wasn't included in the camwhore.
Submitted by jumpinjellyfish (user info) at 2005-02-11 15:53:14 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Your reality is so entertaining!
Submitted by blingshizzle (user info) at 2005-02-11 13:45:37 EST (#)
Ranking: -1
Buzz, your girlfriend, woof!
Submitted by munkeypants (user info) at 2005-02-11 13:23:27 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Jack_McCallum (user info) at 2005-02-11 11:38:04 (#)
Ranking: 2
Thank you for having the guts to look like a real woman and not some over-painted, surgically-enhanced freak.
Submitted by drfeggphd (user info) at 2005-02-11 13:20:53 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by FilthyAssistant (user info) at 2005-02-11 13:02:11 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
There's nothing wrong with that picture that a spattering of jizz couldn't fix. I'm ill-equipped to provide any, but if you need someone to lick it off afterwards you have my number.
Submitted by TigerLilly (user info) at 2005-02-11 12:57:31 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Circe (user info) at 2005-02-11 12:01:59 (#)
Ranking: 0
TigerLilly - Are you sure? I sometimes bite....
---
Oh, I am more than sure!
Submitted by ess-arr (user info) at 2005-02-11 12:56:34 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by AshK (user info) at 2005-02-11 12:49:28 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Coyote (user info) at 2005-02-11 12:30:12 (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by AshK (user info) at 2005-02-11 12:23:19 (#)
You made me spit my coffee! Damnit man! Some warning!
------------------------------------------------------
See, when you get that reflex?
That's when they say you're supposed to swallow.
======================================================
Bwahahahahahahaha.
...er, I mean...
Yuck Foo!
Submitted by Circe (user info) at 2005-02-11 12:35:20 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by DonkeyOnTheEdge (user info) at 2005-02-11 12:31:36 (#)
Ranking: 2
I masturbated to the lower middle picture. If you squint, it looks like a vadge.
____________
"Mummy, all the other kids call me Vagina Face"
Submitted by DonkeyOnTheEdge (user info) at 2005-02-11 12:31:36 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I masturbated to the lower middle picture. If you squint, it looks like a vadge.
Submitted by Coyote (user info) at 2005-02-11 12:30:12 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by AshK (user info) at 2005-02-11 12:23:19 (#)
You made me spit my coffee! Damnit man! Some warning!
------------------------------------------------------
See, when you get that reflex?
That's when they say you're supposed to swallow.
Submitted by Feijuada (user info) at 2005-02-11 12:24:52 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
It's nice that I'm young enough to be totally unsympathetic.
Submitted by MANICMOTHER (user info) at 2005-02-11 12:24:11 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Circe, You are younger than me but with kids older than mine. Same type of demon spawn though. Your posts are like a frightening look into my future with kids. Thanks for scaring the shit out of me.
+2 to a sister who knows what I'm going through.
Submitted by AshK (user info) at 2005-02-11 12:23:19 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Coyote (user info) at 2005-02-11 12:00:17 (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Circe (user info) at 2005-02-11 11:44:02 (#)
You can hear my jaw creaking when I do it.
--------------------------------------------
I noticed that with a couple other things, too...
________________________________________________
You made me spit my coffee! Damnit man! Some warning!
Submitted by loki (user info) at 2005-02-11 12:18:43 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Coyote (user info) at 2005-02-11 12:06:13 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Circe (user info) at 2005-02-11 12:01:59 (#)
That was your artificial hip.
---------------------------------
Yeah, the docs warned me about making vigorous thrusting movements,
but did I listen?
Submitted by Circe (user info) at 2005-02-11 12:01:59 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Coyote (user info) at 2005-02-11 12:00:17 (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Circe (user info) at 2005-02-11 11:44:02 (#)
You can hear my jaw creaking when I do it.
--------------------------------------------
I noticed that with a couple other things, too...
______________
That was your artificial hip.
TigerLilly - Are you sure? I sometimes bite....
Submitted by Coyote (user info) at 2005-02-11 12:00:17 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Circe (user info) at 2005-02-11 11:44:02 (#)
You can hear my jaw creaking when I do it.
--------------------------------------------
I noticed that with a couple other things, too...
Submitted by TigerLilly (user info) at 2005-02-11 11:48:04 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I forgot to mention that you have beautiful features.
Your eyes are piercing they are so pretty, and those lips
my god woman. Wanna make out?
Submitted by Circe (user info) at 2005-02-11 11:44:02 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by AshK (user info) at 2005-02-11 11:30:50 (#)
Ranking: 2
And would it KILL you to smile? Huh? Would it?
____________
That IS me smiling.
...
...
...
You can hear my jaw creaking when I do it.
Submitted by Rawrg (user info) at 2005-02-11 11:41:34 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Stress: You get wrinkles. I get a heart attack.
Submitted by Jack_McCallum (user info) at 2005-02-11 11:38:04 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Thank you for having the guts to look like a real woman and not some over-painted, surgically-enhanced freak.
Submitted by Soley_Trinity (user info) at 2005-02-11 11:33:06 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
A natural beauty! I'm so turned on right now that i'm licking your cornea...well, my screen, but you get the jist.
It's all in the eyes.
Submitted by ellsmall (user info) at 2005-02-11 11:31:20 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
If you're only 25 and you're already obsessing over wrinkles you might as well just go ahead and kill yourself right now.
Submitted by AshK (user info) at 2005-02-11 11:30:50 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
And would it KILL you to smile? Huh? Would it?
Your shirt is the color of my flowers....pretty....
I should be working.
Submitted by Caulaincourt (user info) at 2005-02-11 11:29:49 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Link-pute!
http://www.ubersite.com/m/59221
Thank you,
Have a nice wrinkled day.
Submitted by Mitchapalooza (user info) at 2005-02-11 11:29:02 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I love horses. How far can you carry me on your back?
Submitted by Pentameter (user info) at 2005-02-11 11:26:10 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Personally, I buy shoes instead of handbags.
I have way too many pairs.
Submitted by Stin (user info) at 2005-02-11 11:25:53 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I'd still do you in the pooper hon, don't worry.
Submitted by Circe (user info) at 2005-02-11 11:25:15 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Godammit, I'm old, not sweaty and greasy! It was a flash and I didn't think to apply makeup for an Uberpost and.. and... and...
I'll be over here crying gently if anyone wants anything.
Submitted by Sassmasterr (user info) at 2005-02-11 11:25:14 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
don't be so hard on yourself, you're still attractive.
oh! I said hard-on!
Submitted by AshK (user info) at 2005-02-11 11:24:38 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
You wouldn't have so much trouble with mornings if you didn't spend your nights staring at my tits with your fingers....
you know, I really like your hair. It has that "unkepmt in a cute fashion" sort of look to it.
On the bright side, if you let your hair fall into your face a little further, no one will ever notice the wrinkles.
Love,
Me
Submitted by knucklesnelson (user info) at 2005-02-11 11:23:42 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Take a shower you look greasy. But at least you dont have the dreaded crow's feet around your eyes.
Submitted by GodLovesALittleLovin (user info) at 2005-02-11 11:23:35 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Rub mustard on your face eight times a day. It'll get rid of those nasty lines and tighten up your cheek-bones in less than 4 months.
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2005-02-11 11:22:20 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Don't feel bad, I'm getting crow's feet on the outside of my eyes. They're probably a result of the constant insane smile that I wear.
Submitted by TigerLilly (user info) at 2005-02-11 11:22:05 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Welcome to my world.
Isn't it grand?
Submitted by phuzzygish (user info) at 2005-02-11 11:21:36 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Yip. They shoot 'em. Then they make glue. TYhe ones that walk funny? Thye're crazy glue.
But +2 for hardworking, non-wrinkled moms. And squirrels with nuts.
Submitted by Jeanneee (user info) at 2005-02-11 11:21:22 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
That's it. I'm never having children.
Submitted by Caulaincourt (user info) at 2005-02-11 11:19:58 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Great post.
It looks hot in Australia. Your face is always sweaty in your pictures.
Maybe you should move to Canada. When you wake up at -40 degrees, all problems become relative.
Submitted by tinactin (user info) at 2005-02-11 11:19:43 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Strangely enough, before I read this post I was thinking about how much I could really go for a horseburger.
Submitted by Coyote (user info) at 2005-02-11 11:18:14 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Think of the positives-- freakishly large pores can be used as extra fuckholes!
Submitted by WhatTheHell (user info) at 2005-02-11 11:17:07 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
I'm sorry but this scared me.