Pudding: A Mother's Trump Card in her Quest to Trap a Child (1544 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1.75 on 41 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Tinactin (View user info) at 2005-02-11 16:02:27 EST
Reference: http://www.ubersite.com/m/59213
"Oh, I talked about my kitty cat, my boxes of rainbow-flavored cereal, my Gymboree, my mango chutney, my Lee Harvey Oswald documentary, and how Debbie at work has a son with X-Box, and he still doesn't want me? I think I'll tell him how I'll gastrically violate him with a fistful of tapioca! That'll make him want me!"
Kids, I have just given you a peek into the way your mother's mind works.
Parents, pay close attention to what I have to say.
After 13 years of being a child, I've come to realize a few things about them. The following points have been validated many times by the behavior of mothers that I've known and also by simply observing those that I didn't. I also hang out at a playground where other children have pointed out their parents watching them go down a slide...and also expressed their general disgust with that.
For example, in elementary school there was always the "fat boy on a diet". This boy wouldn't eat pudding, but he sucked the spoon of just about every kid in the school. He was waiting for "the right one", that person who'd trade his cup for a lettuce sandwich. Unfortunately, this kid didn't realize that giving a spoon a blow job is gorging. That's why they call it eating. You aren't on a diet. You're just a fatass who tries to fool yourself into thinking there's something skinny about you.
Pudding is a weapon that mothers use against kids in an effort to control them and their own lives. Now, this is something we all know, but do we understand the extent that mothers use pudding as a subtle trapping mechanism?
Some/most desperate (not all, don't try pulling that Mike Wallace shit with me, motherfucker) mothers think that by shamelessly feeding their pudding down a child's throat, they will pique his interest and woo him into a relationship where they can clothe him, instruct him, molest him, and withhold the one thing they enticed him with.
I am amazed at how many young mothers throw Jello commercial jingles around with children they are interested in. When I am subjected to this, I sit there in awe as I hear perfectly intelligent and large-breasted mothers talk about Bill Cosby and his googly-googlies, pudding pops, and how chocolate is a feast for the senses with children who can barely walk in an effort to weigh them down.
Pathetic.
I've never heard a kid say, "Wow, Mom buys pudding! I think I love her! I want her to be the mother of me!"
Guess what mommies? No one wants to hear about your shopping list! No one wants to hear about your extensive collection of stolen candy or how many chupa chups can fit in your ass.
Wow, you've got a cupboard full of pudding. No one fucking cares!
Now, I know this might be hard for you to believe, but some kids are actually turned off by this, unless they're looking for a friend. It makes you look chubby, gives you that gurgley voice that sounds like you're speaking underwater, and appears like you have parfait dripping from your lips. Of course, there will always be kids looking for an easy dessert, and when mothers give out treats like that, kids know they have the perfect container to lick clean and then throw aside.
There are the same mothers who will continually cry that they don't spend time together anymore or they're looking for kids to want to be with them because it's fun. They'll go out to bars with their girlfriends with their skirts up their asses and their tits hanging out, doing body shots off of each other, hoping their child will be fast asleep before they bring home some metrosexual.
Don't complain if you drip butterscotch on your shirt and a kid stares at your chest. Don't complain if you talk about how you like to eat pudding and you never hear the kid flush the toilet after a night of fat-induced purging. You did it yourself. Stop baiting the line for worms with Mr. Artificial Flavoring instead of Mr. Side Salad.
I have a girl friend who behaves in this manner. She'll call me up, crying, asking me why her children don't like her and why I'm the most popular adult in the neighborhood. My answer is simple- I carry them on my back. Yes, some kids who only want junk food are attracted to me, but they quickly find out that I don't have any loose change and they quickly move on to the next girl who is willing to spread tapioca over her eggs.
Here's another thing some people may find shocking. He ate your food, that doesn't mean he loves you. Pudding is a spoon in goop. Nothing more. Sure, he'll eat a few cups, but that's not going to make him want to watch Who's the Boss reruns with you. I've never heard of a kid who fell in love with a mother who's pudding he ate. Oh wait, I did—it was in "Schindler's List."
Pudding will not create a meal between a parent and child if a main course isn't there to begin with. If it is there, it will add do it, but it wont make a steak magically appear.
If you are a mother and you believe that a night of snorting liquid chocolate with a child you hardly know will lead to a loving, healthy relationship, you're obviously overweight. If you're a kid and you believe that a mother who can suck pudding up through her ass will be easy to convince to make it every night, you're right.
Another thing that my female friend does is bring up one night when her overstuffed child could hardly stand, and she slept with him right there on the floor. Lets say she slept with "Chris" last year. Every time she sees him, she'll make some comment about the night they spent together. Way to remind Chris that you're nothing but a pig, idiot. He passed out on dirty tile with you. Big Deal. If you're sleeping on the floor a lot, there probably aren't many roaches who haven't defecated on you.
Want to raise a great child? Try being yourself. Try feeding him things that are healthy (and that doesn't include tripe). Show him your Atkins diet, your Ultra Slim Fast, your vegetables, the things that make you petite. If you're beautiful, show yourself off. You don't have to deny him all sodas, even Sprite, but there is a difference between being healthy and fanatical.
Asking him what he wants for dinner helps bring people together. Show him you're physically strong, conveying your flexed muscles, being mommy-punchy and speaking sternly are way more effective in making him the child you want to be than by spewing out every sugary liquid he has ever imbibed in his life.
I'm not saying mothers should be tyrants. I'm not saying that they shouldn't talk about desserts. I'm not saying that mothers shouldn't throw back pixie sticks if they want them.
The bottom line is this. If you stuff your child with pudding, expect him to be out of shape. Just don't cry when he has to "sap the flap" because the liquid dried out.
User Reviews
Submitted by Pentameter (user info) at 2005-05-18 16:04:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Today was fucking sucky. It blew. I was angry.
Then I read this...and laughed so hard I cried.
Thank you.
Submitted by Siren (user info) at 2005-05-13 04:40:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by mrwolf (user info) at 2005-05-13 04:29:01 (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by mrwolf (user info) at 2005-04-18 03:35:02 (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by mrwolf (user info) at 2005-04-02 10:41:03 (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by mrwolf (user info) at 2005-03-22 05:37:49 (#)
Ranking: 2
Post something god damn it!!!!
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See, I'm not the only one. There are 4 people on here with the same screen name who want you back, too.
Submitted by d_prime (user info) at 2005-05-13 04:36:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
hahaha.
'Are you one of these morons who not only have horrible English, which isn't a big deal, but gets mad at people who have good English and calls them stupid?'
Submitted by mrwolf (user info) at 2005-05-13 04:29:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by mrwolf (user info) at 2005-04-18 03:35:02 (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by mrwolf (user info) at 2005-04-02 10:41:03 (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by mrwolf (user info) at 2005-03-22 05:37:49 (#)
Ranking: 2
Post something god damn it!!!!
Submitted by mrwolf (user info) at 2005-04-18 03:35:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by mrwolf (user info) at 2005-04-02 10:41:03 (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by mrwolf (user info) at 2005-03-22 05:37:49 (#)
Ranking: 2
Post something god damn it!!!!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Submitted by mrwolf (user info) at 2005-04-02 10:41:03 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by mrwolf (user info) at 2005-03-22 05:37:49 (#)
Ranking: 2
Post something god damn it!!!!
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Submitted by darko (user info) at 2005-03-24 13:35:14 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by tinactin (user info) at 2005-03-24 04:07:43 (#)
Ranking: 2
I dont expect it to last. The tomato is a fruit.
Submitted by mrwolf (user info) at 2005-03-22 05:37:49 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Post something god damn it!!!!
Submitted by Pentameter (user info) at 2005-02-24 18:47:04 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Good stuff.
Submitted by Vomit (user info) at 2005-02-15 15:08:30 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Siren (user info) at 2005-02-14 00:39:16 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
There are few people as annoying as the kids who are spoiled by food.
Submitted by WiKi (user info) at 2005-02-12 15:53:20 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
fucking AWESOME
Submitted by Pentameter (user info) at 2005-02-12 15:49:16 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Seriously people, this is the best parody ever.
Submitted by wanderingsharps (user info) at 2005-02-12 10:23:33 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
kids love pudding.
I think bill cosby had something to do with this
Submitted by pen_name (user info) at 2005-02-12 06:21:58 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"Pudding is a spoon in goop. Nothing more."
if only it was, then it wouldn't have a hold of me like some siren singing her sweet, sweet lullabye.
Submitted by tinactin (user info) at 2005-02-12 06:09:05 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
What a fucking asshole
Submitted by chain (user info) at 2005-02-12 06:03:48 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
-2 for blasphemy on pen_name's post
Submitted by Triplexus (user info) at 2005-02-12 01:38:46 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Best spoof since "Wizards".
Submitted by kaos-king (user info) at 2005-02-12 01:21:48 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Pudding is the tool of Satan. SAAAAAAATAN ! ! ! ! ! !
Submitted by Durae (user info) at 2005-02-12 00:30:09 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Circe (user info) at 2005-02-11 21:17:39 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!!
This rocked.
You rock.
Submitted by Pentameter (user info) at 2005-02-11 20:06:15 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
This post is fucking awesome!
I think you need more ratings, my friend.
Submitted by comicbookguy (user info) at 2005-02-11 19:02:16 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
paradelicious
Submitted by chicagogirl (user info) at 2005-02-11 18:58:23 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
ha i just read the original.
Submitted by CookieLass (user info) at 2005-02-11 18:26:17 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
THIS was good. That other post... not so good.
Submitted by tinactin (user info) at 2005-02-11 18:16:30 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
It's a parody of another post. Hence the "reference:" at the beginning
Submitted by Yes (user info) at 2005-02-11 18:12:26 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
what the fuck are you talking about?
Submitted by Tastycat (user info) at 2005-02-11 17:56:29 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I just called my mom and told her that I never loved her wven though she gave me pudding - then she cried.
God, what a bitch.
Submitted by GodLovesALittleLovin (user info) at 2005-02-11 17:53:55 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Oh my god, what a personal breakthrough...
Submitted by strider (user info) at 2005-02-11 17:26:02 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Tough-actin'!
The whole time I was reading this that Dr. Pepper commercial with the mom and the van full of DP with "Stacy's mom has got it going on" playing and all the boys slobbering all over themselves.
Hilarious!
Submitted by nrduncan (user info) at 2005-02-11 17:25:44 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by girlintheworld (user info) at 2005-02-11 16:34:37 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
HAHAHAHAHA.
Submitted by Jeanneee (user info) at 2005-02-11 16:30:07 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Almost as funny as the monster-truck rally episode of "Beavis and Butthead".
Submitted by Jimmy (user info) at 2005-02-11 16:24:50 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
donkeyledge, you appear foolish in the eyes of others.
Grandma puddin wants some young lovin! http://www.ubersite.com/m/45769
Submitted by 1Point21Gigawatts (user info) at 2005-02-11 16:22:19 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Tinactin, dude, there were parts of this where it was physically impossible for me to hold back audible laugher. Thank you, I really needed a post like this.
By the way Pentameter, I'm not getting involved in this shit on Donk's post any further but if that's really you, I bet you look mad hot all done up... No offense Donk, I'm not trying to pull a Hidden or anything.
Submitted by Stin (user info) at 2005-02-11 16:21:21 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Quality.
Submitted by munkeypants (user info) at 2005-02-11 16:21:02 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
sippin on coke and rum
i'm like so what? i'm drunk
it's the freakin weekend
baby i'm about to have me some fun
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2005-02-11 16:20:33 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I've heard similar theories.
Submitted by DonkeyOnTheEdge (user info) at 2005-02-11 16:06:45 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Jimmy is a fag. Pentameter is a bitch.
Submitted by Pentameter (user info) at 2005-02-11 16:06:07 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
AAAAAH HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAA!
Awesome parody of my work.
Thanks for making me laugh on such a shitty day.
Submitted by Jimmy (user info) at 2005-02-11 16:05:59 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
I thought this was a return of grandma puddin