Escape from Horro part 3 (554 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 0.2 on 9 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by will72 (View user info) at 2005-02-11 16:25:42 EST
Thanks to thecaes and kre8ris for the advice. This is technically part three but it really is just practice for the rest of the series (developing characters and seeing how I want the story to unfold...not to mention learn to write along the way).
Part 1: http://www.ubersite.com/m/59183
Part 2: http://www.ubersite.com/m/59275
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They were all over him. Desperately he started shooting blindly, hitting more plaster then monsters. Amy was screaming petrified and despite Jim's shouts, was not fighting at all. She stood there still, hands over her auburn hair, eyes clenched tight. One They hovered over to her and grabbed her head in its hands.
"NO!!" Jim shouted and dove into the Haunters (Jim's new name of Them he devised in the bedroom) knocking several down. The Haunter holding Amy looked at him, soulless eyes an abyss of evil and malice. It turned its head back towards her and.....started kissing her?
"What the fuck," Jim smacked it in the back of the head, ending its makeout session with his girlfriend.
"Fucking asshole, trying to get wi..." Jims words got caught in his throat as he saw what the Haunter had really been doing. It had sucked her lungs and stomach out through her mouth. Amy's lungs lay across her chest, chewed bubblegum with dark patches from her incessant smoking. Her mouth was agape and a long cord of muscle lead out her mouth and to the vital organs draped over her. It looked as if someone had taken her and turned her inside out. This whole night was inside out. Jim fell to his knees in shock of the brutal sight of his mangled lover. Crying, he hardly noticed the Haunters circling him breathing lightly. Jim was only human, this night had been the scariest of his life and now his girlfriend's lifeless maimed body in front of him...it was too much. His brain cells agreed and sent the signal to turn off. While in the state between unconsciousness and awake he saw the Haunters floating a few feet above him starting to descend. One put its grotesque face up to his own. The eyes were huge, the size of saucers and the color of a moonless night. Its mouth was also large, completely circular with rows of incisors lining it. It looked like a dead person only with a different...intangible quality. Then the face was gone for a moment and reappeared. He thought he had only imagined it, a product of his delusion. But no, the Haunter did it again. Another Haunter noticed this and took the first one by the neck. The second Haunted ripped the throat out of the Disappearing Haunter and floated over to Jim. It took Jim's face in its hands and Jim went unconscious.
He awoke in a dimly lit room, candles flittering in their holders around the room. He felt sore, like he just got home from an orgy. Sitting upright he tried to recall the night's events. All in one memory they flooded him and the horribleness of it made him lie down again. He opened his eyes to see what exactly he was laying on. It was a stone altar in the middle of a dank basement. He slowly sat up with one thing on his mind- the killed Haunter. What happened showed a couple of things. One, they were intelligent because, as Jim thought, that Haunter was kind and was trying to warn him of his race's invisible powers. It showed that there were different kinds of Haunters- nice ones and evil ones like the one that murdered. And second, they could be killed, proved by the Murdering Haunter. If he was to survive, he would have to find other sympathizing Haunters and if worst come to worst...a sharp pole.
He then noticed for the first time drawings along the walls. They seemed to tell the history of the Haunters. Jim stood and while noticing he had wet his pants, began to read.
User Reviews
Submitted by will72 (user info) at 2005-02-12 14:21:07 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
thanks for the advice everyone. i am going to keep all of this as a reference/guide for part 4.
Submitted by thecaes (user info) at 2005-02-12 13:50:32 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Ditto
Submitted by Kre8rix (user info) at 2005-02-12 09:13:12 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Keep in mind also, that these are opinions of an amateur writer as well and should not be taken as words of someone who knows what the hell he's talking about.
Submitted by Kre8rix (user info) at 2005-02-12 09:07:45 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
"They were all over him. Desperately he started shooting blindly, hitting more plaster then monsters. Amy was screaming petrified and despite Jim's shouts, was not fighting at all. She stood there still, hands over her auburn hair, eyes clenched tight. One They hovered over to her and grabbed her head in its hands."
This seems very scattered. You keep throwing descriptions out when they seem irrelivant to what's actually going on. Use of punctuation could use some fine tuning as well. Commma's signify a pause on the sentence.
Something like:
"Amy was screaming, her face a mask of fear; and despite Jims cries for help, she was unable to fight.
instead of:
"Amy was screaming petrified and despite Jim's shouts, was not fighting at all."
I threw a little different wording in there too, but I do things like that.
If I cross any editorial lines, let me know.
And also: "He awoke in a dimly lit room, candles flittering in their holders around the room. He felt sore, like he just got home from an orgy."
I laughed too, but then I got slightly upset as I have never been in an orgy and therefore have no frame of reference.
When using simile or metaphor, try to use something the readers can relate to. Orgy's happen, I'm sure, but not everyone's been a part of one.
Otherwise, this is coming along well. I can see you trying to utilize the advice you've been given, and that takes a lot. It means you're willing to grow as a writer and use the feedback. so +1 for that. Keep it up.
Submitted by kaos-king (user info) at 2005-02-12 01:31:22 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
I'm all for wonton violence, but this story was too fractured. Sit down and think it out a little more first. There was a lot of potential to this. Good descriptive parts. Let's see more work with part four.
Submitted by thecaes (user info) at 2005-02-11 22:57:30 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Before I say anything, I just HAVE to address this line:
"He awoke in a dimly lit room, candles flittering in their holders around the room. He felt sore, like he just got home from an orgy."
-- What the monkey?? What the hell kind of comparison was that? Seriously, I read that and laughed out loud. I don't know about the crowd you hang out with, but I don't know anyone who goes to regular orgies. I kind of wish I did, but that is neither here nor there.
Icarus said some good stuff. I liked the pulling the chick inside out bit. That's pretty freaky, and it gives a reason to be afraid of them. But I got a little confused after Jim's brain shut down (which i didn't like so much...too much explanation to the reader at that part).
Submitted by will72 (user info) at 2005-02-11 21:42:47 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
icarus1987 you're right but i sort of have to explain the pictures, i already set it up. but thanks for the advice, ill do what you said and hopefully make the story better
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2005-02-11 18:27:21 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
As it turns out, it was really Old Man Jenkins, all along! Jinkies!
Submitted by icarus1987 (user info) at 2005-02-11 16:45:37 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Fairly creative, but you may want to make a habit of doing a spell check... at least on your title. I'd also get rid of the altar and the heiroglyphs (they've been done to death,) but that's just me. I'd also call them something other than Haunters... gholes, raspberry parfaits, some latin name that could be abbridged into a one or two-syllable epithet... doesn't matter, but Haunters sounds like something out of a video game. Maybe you're going for camp horror, though. Dunno. Also consider your main char's priorities. If these things just killed his girlfriend and (in his mind) tried to kill him, he's probably not going to waste a lot of time caring about whether or not some are good and some are bad. If he's going to calm down long enough to think on their character (humans innately stereotype,) he's going to need some major motivation. For interesting ways of dealing with the Unknown, see Jeff Long's The Descent, H.P. Lovecraft's The Whisperer in the Darkness, and Bloch's Notebook in a Deserted Farmhouse.