The pleasures of driving (519 hits)
Category: GeneralRating: 0.5 on 4 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Biz <bizantine.at.hotmail.com> (View user info) at 2005-02-11 18:25:51 EST
It was a mistake to attempt to take a short-cut up an italian side-street. This much was
evident immediately, as an American tourist decided it looked like fun and elected
to follow in his wide saloon, effectively preventing me from reversing, if necessary.
Sure enough, before I had advanced halfway up the one-way street, it became clear that
traffic directions did not apply equally to all road-users. The woman behind the wheel
of the Seat now blocking my way made me privy to a hitherto unknown fact - that for native
Italians, traffic laws are more of an optional guide than something universally adhered
to. Being selective about which dictates to obey, she observed that i had the right of way
and politely pulled in, indicating that I should pass.
I thought this very considerate of her, though doubted her spatial awareness. The car I was
driving, a Ford Escort, is by no means an expansive vehicle, but would none-the-less fail
to fit through the space provided by her ladyship. Rather, the gap left between her car and
the building was more suited to the purposes of the most infinitesimal of unicycles.
Indicating this with a frustrated gesture I was hardly surprised by the reponse, as she
calmly repeated her instruction that I was to contravene the laws of physics and pass the
proverbial camel through the proverbial, though equally tangible, needle.
A novelty honk came from behind me - the first bar of the American National Anthem. Well. I
must say, I was thrilled with this helpful interjection from the American delegation.
Interesting proposal indeed. Certainly the kind of advice i had come to expect from the
yanqui. Another honk. I gave considerable thought to popping the lid of the saloon and
surgically removing the horn, so as to insert it into an orifice of choice.
Ok. First thing's first. The american can wait. I pulled the key out of the ignition and
stepped out of the vehicle. The few words of Italian that I knew escaped me, and I realised
I would have to rely on universally-understood gestures.
Walking towards the Seat, I deliberately avoided the woman's annoyed countenance, first
spreading my arms over the gap she had left for my vehicle's passage. I held my hands
that distance apart and walked back towards my vehicle to indicate that while, yes, the gap
IS wide enough for me to pass, in order to do so I would have to leave my car behind, and
i'd grown rather attached to it.
I saw a flicker of understanding on her face, and she indicated that she would comply. I
smiled at her, and indicated my thanks. She revved her engine, and reversed half a metre,
before advancing again and attempting to pull over a bit further this time. Pleased with
herself, she cut her engine and looked hopefully at me. I must have stared for some seconds
in disbelief, as she began indicating once more that I should pass.
I shook my head, slapping my hand against it.
The horn of the saloon sounded again.
This time I had to do something. I turned back towards the American, walked calmy up to
the chrysler, and smiled bitterly at him through the rolled-down window. He had the smug,
supercilious expression of a domineering executive, which I supposed him to be. I stood
wordlessly for some two or three seconds, silently daring him to speak. As no apology was
forthcoming, I calmly produced my cigarette lighter and proceeded to set fire to the
offensive little flag attched to his car's radio aerial.
When i looked back at his doughy features, he was gaping at me like a trout. Perfect. No
more star-spangled banner from you, my lad.
I later found out that the vehicle belonged to the American ambassador to Italy, on his way
to a high-profile meeting. This was, of course, related to me some days later in my jail cell.
My one phone call was somewhat wasted in phoning the embassy, as it seemed they
anticipated my call in advance and took the day off, as all sensible secretaries do.
User Reviews
Submitted by Avals (user info) at 2005-02-12 02:51:44 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I dunno, I found this funny.
Submitted by Joemama (user info) at 2005-02-12 01:51:34 EST (#)
Ranking: -1
I was in a car.....and
had no room to pass another car
The End
Submitted by MyNameIsTim (user info) at 2005-02-11 20:17:33 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by Tresker (user info) at 2005-02-11 18:43:39 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment