I am drawing the story of how hard we tried (1012 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 2 on 26 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Durae (View user info) at 2005-02-11 21:00:07 EST
Early in the morning the sky was so gray. Even under the covers the cold made it unbearable to lay there, her mom didn't understand the concept of comfort. This morning, J had come up with a plan to get me to school. To get me to leave bed long enough to get me in my car to get me to drive the two miles to the building. From there, whether I left in the middle of the day or not was out of her control.
In the mean cold we put on our wool coats and scarves and gloves and walked down the sidewalk. The snow drifts were three feet high on either side of the path. Ugly loud cars drove by us on the dirty road to the one stop light in town. To keep the cold from eating your cheeks you have to hunch your shoulders and point your face to the ground. We were a somber, silent progression of two people, treading clumsy on packed snow hating the morning, the cold, the school. I guess I was doing most of the hating.
To switch things up a little, we were walking to the diner. We ate eggs and toast and drank coffee to make the rest of the day seem bearable. I don't remember what we talked about. Probably the same things we always talked about. Back then we could still smoke inside.
Thinking back on that time the things that stand out the most are underlaid by the inescapable cold of every moment. The whiteness and grayness of everything. Bob Dylan and Tori Amos. Ayn Rand and Andrea Dworkin. Hardwood floors, trying to fit both our shoulders out her bedroom window into the cold to smoke, the pain in our elbows and knees while kneeling there, the wood stoves that we would all huddle in front of wrapped in crocheted blankets, the way that no matter how much we talked there was always something more to say. It never ended and the allure of talking to her never dissipated, maybe even still hasn't.
She cooked me spaghetti every night because I was obsessed with it, I coached her through her monologues for her NYU audition, she made fun of me for gaining weight, we laughed at the boys who were trying to impress us, trying to win us over who had no idea. We sat in bookstores for hours reading. We both had different, but related interests that left a gap in understanding and always kept us talking. The way she never learned how to drive because she always knew that she would live in NYC.
As much as I loved her, it wasn't enough. It was enough to make me commit to her for over a year, but it couldn't last. The impossibility of it was frustrating and for a while I wouldn't admit that it wasn't going to work. Things got tense and I tried to find problems in the relationship itself which led to fights, when really the problem was that sexuality isn't malleable.
Winter makes me remember these things. The snow will always remind me of her bedroom. Spaghetti reminds me of her kitchen. Instant coffee reminds me of her dad. The Terminator reminds me of her youngest brother - a five year old watching that movie every day, running around yelling, "Suck it!!" while gesturing to his penis. The way that little demon was capable of chasing full grown men out of the house by running around naked with his hand up his... maybe I shouldn't go there. The way her house had a revolving door of our friends coming in and out. The way it still feels like home and they think it's weird even now when I'm not there for Thanksgiving or Christmas.
Part of me wants it all back. But I know that the real issue is finding something new to replace it. Something with a penis this time.
User Reviews
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2005-07-28 19:27:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Nostalgic, familiar, and a bit depressing, all in a very good way. I can relate; I guess everyone can in some way.
I tell you that I'll always want you near
You say that things change, my dear
-Tori Amos "Winter"
Submitted by lojope (user info) at 2005-03-13 12:47:59 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I miss her just now for some reason. Came back to read this post because of it, and was awed once again. This is one of your best pieces.
Submitted by Banga3386 (user info) at 2005-03-04 02:56:18 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
*insert comment both witty and poignant about how well written this was and emotions evoked etc*
Wonderful
Banga
Submitted by drfeggphd (user info) at 2005-02-15 17:31:53 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by polymorph505 (user info) at 2005-02-15 17:06:44 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by ruthless (user info) at 2005-02-13 20:52:43 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Wow.
Submitted by GodLovesALittleLovin (user info) at 2005-02-12 16:35:33 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Money is the key to happiness
Submitted by wanderingsharps (user info) at 2005-02-12 14:49:45 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I cna go into a story sometime that involves my ex who was an ex
lesbian, but I won't.
good luck, luv.
you're pretty
and witty
and wise
and will do just fine.
Submitted by jdl3771 (user info) at 2005-02-12 09:27:36 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
As promised, i'm going to go ahead and remove the fact of your +1 to me, and be fair.
I loved it.
And it sucks when you love someone and then realize you're straight, it's quite not nice.
Finally, there's nothing wrong with being obsessed with pasta, nothing at all.
Submitted by mrwolf (user info) at 2005-02-12 03:45:58 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Very nice. Invoked a lot of thought.
Submitted by screamfeeder (user info) at 2005-02-12 03:25:20 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Booooo....hissssssss
Submitted by creep_firebombing (user info) at 2005-02-12 03:06:52 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by dodahdave (user info) at 2005-02-12 02:41:51 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Jo_of_the_golden_P (user info) at 2005-02-11 21:23:50 (#)
Ranking: 2
Ani DiFranco auto +2
Submitted by Kre8rix (user info) at 2005-02-12 02:10:15 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I've been sitting here trying to write a comment that would do this justice.
The cold medicine won't let me, so
*insert comment both witty and poignant about how well written this was and emotions evoked etc*
thank you
Submitted by kaos-king (user info) at 2005-02-12 01:58:01 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Ani DiFranco Fucking Rules. And I'm a straight white male who listens to mostly hadcore punk music. "Both Hands" is one of the graestest songs of all time.
Submitted by girlintheworld (user info) at 2005-02-11 23:10:00 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
This was beautiful. Sorry you had to go through it. IM me at ForgettingOctobr on AIM if you want.
Submitted by JohnGalt (user info) at 2005-02-11 22:41:13 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Awesome.
Submitted by diadima (user info) at 2005-02-11 22:20:01 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
tori and ani, good enough for a +2
Submitted by thecaes (user info) at 2005-02-11 22:18:01 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Nice. The last line was out of place, though I imagine that's the way you intended it. If you're not careful with that sort of thing it can undermine the seriousness of the story.
Really good imagery, very vivid and real. I'm impressed.
Submitted by MyNameIsTim (user info) at 2005-02-11 21:40:36 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
are you a female?
either way, that made me feel.
Submitted by lojope (user info) at 2005-02-11 21:32:06 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
<3
Submitted by Ducky (user info) at 2005-02-11 21:31:05 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
This was wonderful.
Submitted by DonkeyOnTheEdge (user info) at 2005-02-11 21:27:20 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
......
Submitted by Jo_of_the_golden_P (user info) at 2005-02-11 21:23:50 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Ani DiFranco auto +2
Submitted by FuckTheArmy (user info) at 2005-02-11 21:18:18 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Awww.
Submitted by Pentameter (user info) at 2005-02-11 21:17:23 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I like the imagery in this piece.
I love the title. It painted an instant picture in my mind.