I Went on a Date with Jesus, and Now I'm Never Eating the Host at Church Again. (934 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 2 on 16 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Mr. Cancer <funnyascancer.at.gmail.com> (View user info) at 2005-02-12 17:06:59 EST
It was early Friday morning, and I was asleep, when subconsciously I sensed something was wrong. Cautiously I opened my eyes, and saw some dude wearing all black standing before my sleeping frame.
Not one to panic, because you never know when the wrong twitch is gonna make the psycho snap, I asked him, "Uh, who are you, and why are you in my room?"
The man in black gave a slight scoff and replied, "Oh, come now, is that how you're going to treat your guest? Not even a 'Good Morning?'"
Damn. Awake ten seconds and already I've pissed off the guy who's been watching me sleep. "Oh yeah, sorry. Good morning."
"Nah, don't worry about it. If I were you, I wouldn't exactly be too friendly with the creepy guy in my room either."
"Uh, right...so who are you?"
"I am the Metatron, the Voice of God, the angel who speaks for God when He Himself cannot. You may remember me from the movie 'Dogma,'" he said with a grand sweep of his arms.
"Oh yeah, you're the dude Alan Rickman played."
"Correct. He nailed that role, don't you think?"
"Oh yeah. Dead on."
"Right then. But that's besides the point. I am here on official business from God, the head honcho Himself. I am here to ask you on a date."
"Whoa, back up, angel-dude. God wants me to go on a date with him?"
"Not quite. I guess I should say, God wants to set you up on a date with His Son."
"Jesus. God wants me to date Jesus."
"Yes."
"Uh, any reason why?"
"Well, Jesus has kinda been a little afraid to go out and meet people since the last time he was alive. You know, when the people he tried to save viciously killed him by nailing him to a piece of wood and letting him bleed to death for hours. That whole bit."
"Yeah, I guess I could understand that. But what I meant was, why me?"
"I dunno. I guess it's because you're a good kid, go to Church on Sundays, stay out of trouble...the whole model boyfriend material. Either that or you're just a hot piece of ass. One of those. Hard to tell with God."
"Thanks...I guess. But God knows I'm not gay, right?"
"Little man, if God says you're gay, you're gay. If it doesn't work out with you and Jesus, then he'll change you back."
"I guess I can't really turn down a date with Jesus, can I?"
"Not unless you want that tumor in your chest to keep spreading."
"What!?"
"Nothing. Just be ready by seven o'clock tonight. Jesus'll pick you up."
And then with a wave of his hand, he was gone.
Blinking incredulously, I said to myself, "Damn, I have got to stop eating shrooms just before I go to bed."
Later that day, I was again in my room, just chillin' and reading some stuff on Uber, when someone tapped me on the shoulder.
A long-haired man with a flowing robe awaited me as I spun around, a glowing halo of light encompassing his rosy face.
"Holy fucking Christ on a stick! You're Christ!" I yelled.
"Yes, child, indeed I am. And watch the second commandment blasphemy there."
"Sorry."
"You are forgiven. Now are you ready for our date?"
"You mean the Alan Rickman wanna-be was real? I thought I was just tripping off some bad 'shrooms."
"Well, you were. But the Metatron happened to be real."
"Ah. In that case, I guess I'm not ready."
"But do you wish to be?"
"Well...yeah. I mean, you're Jesus and everything, I don't wanna have B.O. in front of the Son of God."
"Then it is so," he said with a slight hand gesture.
My body tingled for a second, then, looking down, I saw Jesus had changed me. I was clean, shaven, and dressed for a hot night out.
"Wow, Jesus, that was a amazing! But did you really have to go with purple silk?" I asked, indicating the shirt that now hung loosely off my shoulders.
"Hey, you're gay now, you gotta dress the part."
"Right. So where are we going tonight?"
"Well I thought we'd go to this hot new vegan restaurant."
"Because it's a Friday in Lent, and we can't have meat?"
"No, because that's what gays eat. Jeez, it's almost like you've never been gay before."
"But-"
"Let's go."
And with a wave of his hand, we were gone.
At the restaurant, we ordered our food, a salad for Jesus, bread for me, because I still wasn't quite ready to chow down on some tossed salad, if you get the double entendre.
We were engaged in some small talk when our food arrived. Jesus had been giving me the flirty eye up until then, so I was glad for the distraction. Unfortunately, it also gave him a chance to pick a cherry tomato from his salad and slip it into his mouth, where he began rolling it on his tongue, before biting down on it with a wink.
"So Jesus," I said, rapidly trying to change the subject, "uh, when'd you decide to go gay? I thought Christianity disapproved of homosexuality."
"Oh, I've been gay all along. It was those bigoted scribes that decided to say I wasn't.
"Really now?"
"Oh yeah. If you look real carefully, you can find a couple hints in the Bible."
"Like where?"
"Well, like on the night when Judas betrayed me, and I got so upset at Peter for saying he didn't know me, even though we'd "known" each other earlier that day. He just didn't want other people to know he'd slept with me, because there was a nasty rumor back then that I had leprosy, which means he'd have it too."
"Wow."
"Yeah, but once they thought he was clean, let me tell you, there was a whole lotta cocks crowing that night."
"Ah. Too much info, Jesus."
"Sorry. I guess I shouldn't be talking about old boyfriends on a date, huh?"
"Hey, you're the all-knowing one here, you tell me."
"Yeah, you're right. I guess I just kinda want to impress you. You're a great guy, a real image of God...and I want you to be with me."
"Uh, Jesus..."
"Just hold on for a minute. I'm inviting you to come back to my place, maybe have a little wine. And maybe a little bread to go with it, if you get my drift."
"Whoa, dude! You may have made me gay, but there's no way I'm sucking off Jesus Christ, especially on a first date. Sorry, Jesus, but this date is over. Change me back, and send me home."
"Aw, c'mon, don't take it like that..."
"Now Jesus! Don't make me bust out the goat's blood and call Satan up here."
"Fine..."
Jesus waved his hand, and I started to fade out of the restaurant. And before I had chance to respond, he said, "I'll call you!"
That was yesterday, and since then, I've learned something:
It is really hard to block Jesus on AIM.
User Reviews
Submitted by jgreening (user info) at 2005-12-02 04:52:20 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Good shit.
Submitted by rollerboognish (user info) at 2005-04-12 01:00:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You're becoming one of my favorite authors.
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2005-02-14 11:35:52 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
hah
Submitted by munkeypants (user info) at 2005-02-13 18:09:24 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Kre8rix (user info) at 2005-02-12 23:40:22 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I still haven't stopped laughing.
----
Submitted by GodLovesALittleLovin (user info) at 2005-02-12 17:21:55 (#)
Ranking: 2
That son of a bitch Jesus. You'd think he would have more important things to do than hit on Uber users.
I'm just bitter because he won't talk to me.
-----
Don't be bitter, he is your son.
Submitted by FunnyAsCancer (user info) at 2005-02-12 21:50:05 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Three +2s to the first person who actually IM's "IAmTheSonOfGod" and posts their convo in its entirety here. Or to whoever registers the screenname as it appears above, and has a convo with me, AIM:FunnyAsCancer
I'm really bored.
Submitted by darko (user info) at 2005-02-12 21:34:44 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
have another +2 since my post is in your screen shot.
Submitted by gob_bluth (user info) at 2005-02-12 20:00:39 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
PLus 2 because die White People is the number recently reviewed post on your scan!
http://www.ubersite.com/m/59385
I hate the Whites!
Submitted by LadyPlural (user info) at 2005-02-12 18:48:40 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Oh wow, man. Be careful- I hear that CBG gave him a ride to somewhere one time, and I'd be worried about what else got 'picked up' on that little adventure, if you get my drift.
Submitted by DonkeyOnTheEdge (user info) at 2005-02-12 18:00:25 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I'd fuck me.
Submitted by TimeCop (user info) at 2005-02-12 17:54:00 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Wouldn't be embarassing if you cheated on Jesus? I mean, son of God here. I know it's instant Hell for that.
Submitted by CookieLass (user info) at 2005-02-12 17:44:03 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Bless you, my son
Submitted by darko (user info) at 2005-02-12 17:37:56 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 for blasphemy!
Submitted by GodLovesALittleLovin (user info) at 2005-02-12 17:21:55 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
That son of a bitch Jesus. You'd think he would have more important things to do than hit on Uber users.
I'm just bitter because he won't talk to me.
Submitted by Timmah (user info) at 2005-02-12 17:21:25 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Kick ass.
http://www.ubersite.com/m/51108 my attemp at blasphemous humour.
Submitted by maiorano84 (user info) at 2005-02-12 17:17:18 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
maiorano84: you're pretty funny...... funny as cancer, har har peener
FunnyAsCancer: uh, thanks?
maiorano84: sure