the possible consequences of spending some time with a vacuum cleaner (567 hits)
Category: HumorRating: -1.71 on 8 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by I hate everyone equally (View user info) at 2005-02-12 18:35:20 EST
It was a friday night, and I lay, empty minded, staring at the tv. Nothing to do. It was raining outside, and my folks had gone out to do some shopping. They wouldn't let me come cause they thought I was a thief. Faggots.
I looked across the room, at the flower pot there. All of a sudden, it was as if it was speaking to me!
I wiped my eyes. This flower pot had just given me the invitation to fuck it! I slapped myself. Somebody must have drugged my drink or something. I decided to go upstairs and liten to some music. Some R&B would clear my head of whatever was making me wanna screw a flower.
I put in my fave disk, pressed play, and laid back and began to enjoy the music. But, I heard something again!! Fucking drugs I swear.
I looked at the closet in my room. I thought I could hear something banging against the door, but ignored it. 5 minutes later, and I could still hear something. I rushed to the possessed piece of shit, and kicked it open.
There lay a vacuum cleaner. I could hear it beconing me to make sweet love to it. I denied, but then remebered that i had to clean it some mess that I made earlier. At least it would clear my mind.
I carried the vacuum cleaner downstairs, plugged it in, and started sweeping. Almost a second after I switched it on, the hose of the cleaner came off, and started sucking at my crotch. In fact, it was not molesting my left ball. I was in bitter agony. The suction was immense, and no sooner than I had plucked off the wretched thing, that it started sucking on my dick!
All my strength could not remove the vacuum cleaner. It wanted me dead, or without any genetalia.
I heard a pop, and the hose fell off. I sighed in relief, and cleaned myself up. A while later, I had an itch on my crotch. I put my hand down my pants, scratched around, and then screamed in horror.
THE VACUUM CLEANER HAD SUCKED MY DICK RIGHT OFF.
How could I not feel it? It was big enough for me to notice. I ran down the stairs, shocked with the less of my precious friend. I picked up the vacuum cleaner, ripped open the disposal sakc, and there
lay my shrivelled nob, sheared right off me. Stolen.
"WTF WTF WTF!" I repeated, trying to soothe my stressed emotions. Then I had an idea.
I ran to my warhammer collection, sifted through the tool box, and there it was, the thing that I needed most. Some super glue.
It took some time to repair the damage done, but soon I was back to normal and relieved. All was well.
I never told the ordeal to my parents, and noone new it but me. Until a day later, when I saw a hot chick. I felt my dick started to swell with pride. But then, I noticed no buldge on my jeans. A quick rush to the public toilet revealed my worst fears.
I HAD GLUED MY DICK ON THE WRONG BITCHING WAY.
To this day onward, WHenever I get turned on, I feel my nob tickling my asshole. Not pleasant.
So my advice is: Never ever let your dick get into the hands of a vacuum cleaner.
User Reviews
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2005-02-14 14:10:48 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Submitted by Zoidberg (user info) at 2005-02-12 22:34:34 (#)
Ranking: -2
the sad part is, Im sure you thought this was funny and you were both creative and talented for writing it
Submitted by Zoidberg (user info) at 2005-02-12 22:34:34 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
the sad part is, Im sure you thought this was funny and you were both creative and talented for writing it
Submitted by will72 (user info) at 2005-02-12 21:00:07 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
i didnt even read it except the line "and i ran to my warhammer collection". stop living in your mom's basement.
Submitted by Ingsoc (user info) at 2005-02-12 20:20:08 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
This wasn't funny.
Submitted by chain (user info) at 2005-02-12 18:48:45 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
-2 for being not funny
+2 for making me wanna listen to Joe's Garage which is funny.
Submitted by zakalwe (user info) at 2005-02-12 18:46:35 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Submitted by FilthyAssistant (user info) at 2005-02-12 18:39:57 (#)
Ranking: -2
Les Dennis alert.
-----------------------------------
Word of advice. Stop sucking.
Alternatively, die.
Submitted by Gollman (user info) at 2005-02-12 18:43:17 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
who the hell is les dennis?
Submitted by FilthyAssistant (user info) at 2005-02-12 18:39:57 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Les Dennis alert.