Pub quiz gone wrong. I got flashed by an old woman and sent her to hospital. Why I hate old people part 2. (885 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1.5 on 14 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Timmah http://www.these-bloody-hands.tk (View user info) at 2005-02-12 19:32:48 EST
I went to a pub quiz this Friday. That's right, seventeen years old, drummer in a metal band, drug user and pub quiz extraordinaire.
So I managed to get dragged along. Apparently my cousin was going and would appreciate the company. I grudgingly agreed to go and grabbed my wallet with no intention of spending more than half an hour in the place.
When we arrived we stepped into a medium sized function room, full of old ladies drinking gin and tonics.
No sign of my cousin as of yet and I noticed that a couple of friends of mine were sitting across the room from me. I got a pint from the bar, made my way over to them and sat beside the hot looking girl whose name I never managed to remember.
I looked over to the front and to check what the prizes were. Most of them were normal pub quiz prizes. Wine, chocolate, a three man tent. What!? Now this was a prize worth winning! I'm off to download festival in June and thought a new tent would be a pretty good thing to have.
The night was pretty uneventful, my cousin arrived and we made our own team. We had our dreams set on winning that tent!
We were asked for our team name and I proudly told them.
"One in the bush" I said with a smile on my face. A small laugh and a round of applause from the people in the room and we were on our way.
We shared our table with our group of friends, hoping that we could help each other along the path to winning that glorious tent. I noticed the group next to us was a foursome of old ladies, all between the age of 60 and 70 and all smelling vaguely of chloroform. Kai (a friend from the other group) tapped me on the shoulder and informed me that the group were pretty well known in the pub quiz circuit. They called themselves "The French Connection" although maybe Stench connection would have been more suitable as by this time my eyes were watering from the repugnant odour emanating from the old crows.
"Just watch out for that one" He said whilst waving a finger at the woman closest to me. She was probably in her late sixties and had the most bright blue rinsed hair I had ever laid my eyes on. She kept her handbag clutched at her chest as though it held the very secret to the meaning of life. And she wore a scowl so dark she'd scare the hardest of bikers. No way was this old bitch going to get the better of me.
The first round consisted of writing down the stage names of 10 pop stars whose real name we had been given. These included Billy Idol, Prince etc. this was a sure 10 points in the bag and I began to relax a little; realising that this may be a good night after all.
The second round was where it began to get a little edgy. As I tried to listen to the quiz master at the front call out the questions, all I could hear in my left ear was this gentle wheezing. It was growing harsher and harsher with each question but I didn't want to seem disrespectful and let it go. After ten questions of growing, elderly, peppermint breathed wheezing she was beginning to become a real fucking annoyance and I politely asked her if she could breathe through her nose.
"Excuse me young man, but I don't think you have any right to talk to me like that!" She scowled at me and turned back to her answer sheet whilst muttering something about the youth of today.
The third round was general knowledge and myself and my cousin were doing pretty damned well. We both knew most of the answers and all was going swimmingly. Then I spotted something grey, old, leathery and kind of dead and bruised looking. Without drawing attention to myself I looked over to my left to see the old bag's legs cross over each other. She had hitched her skirt up and was flashing her putrid, skinny legs at me. They looked like two un cooked, veiny sausages, disgustingly accentuated by the loose floppy skin draped over the fragile bones in her thighs. I looked up at her to see if she knew what she was doing when she did something I never thought I would witness in my lifetime. Or at least not in the first fifty years of it.
She winked at me. Well, I say winked. It looked more like an involuntary spasm of one eyelid. But it was a wink in intention if nothing else. My gaze was fixed, a look of horror spread on my face. I looked back up to the old woman again and she smiled sinisterly.
I turned to look at James and he had obviously noticed as well, as he was looking around himself frantically in every direction except that of the decrepit hag. She began laughing as I noticed we had missed the last two questions. Oh it was on like a Miss Kong's live in lover!
At the end of that round The French Connection were three points ahead with two more rounds left to play.
I rolled my sleeves up, grabbed my lucky pen (one of the ones where you tilt it and the girl on it gets naked. Such class) and got ready for the next round. It was no longer about the tent it was now about beating this cheating bitch.
Four questions in and I was on fire. James hadn't answered a question and I couldn't be beaten. This was my round and no fucker was taking it from me!
However, I didn't bank on something other than my dignity being taken from me. Halfway through the round I needed to pee. I gave told James to keep an eye on the old woman and made my way towards the bathroom. As I squeezed between our table and the one that she was sitting at I was tripped over by a walking stick. No big deal, I won't lower myself to physical violence against an old woman................yet.
When I returned I sat down and reached for my pen. It was gone! I frantically searched my table and the floor surrounding, when I heard a strange rasping noise coming from the table next to me. I turned around to see the old woman waving the pen in my face.
"Can I have my pen back please?" I snarled trying to reserve what little patience I had left.
"Not until you can learn to respect your elders, sonny." She grinned a big toothless grin whilst flipping the pen over and watching the girl de robe . She gave me a look as if to say "you sad bastard" and then went to slip the pen in her bag.
I lunged over her table to grab my pen back, not accounting for her giant bag of tricks that all old women carry with them laying precariously between both tables. I tripped face first straight into her table destroying glasses of gin and tonic and various glass bottles. On the upside the consequent liquid spillage cost them their answer sheet, which was now dripping wet and smudged.
That was enough to send her insane. Not just every day insane, but genuine off the wall tear her own hair out stark raving fucking loony insane. I swear at one point her eyes turned red and smoke came out of her ears, but I could've imagined it. I managed to get a grip on my pen and began to tug as hard as I could to relieve the old bitch of Veronica. What? The crazy bitch started whacking me with her over sized handbag and screeching in the most manic way I've ever had the displeasure of encountering.
"Give me my pen you crazy psycho!" I cried.
"Not on your Nelly you cheeky little sod!"
Suddenly she let go of Veronica and I flew backwards into my table destroying yet more glasses and another answer sheet (ours this time).
Once I'd recovered and removed two shards of broken glass from my arse, I looked around the room. Every single pair of eyes was on myself and the old woman, who was now panting in the corner, hunched over and looking like she was about to gore me into dust. Needless to say I was asked in a not so polite tone to leave the room and the old lady was escorted out in an ambulance (apparently she went into shock shortly after I left).
The silver lining? We beat their team by 3 in the pop star names round. Victorious!
Today I got a death threat written on the inside of a Worthers Original packet. I think the French connection have finally met their match.
That's the last time I fuck with an old lady at a pub quiz.
Tim
On a side note. +2 to whoever answers this question first. My friend just happened to know the answer to this question and believe me when I say I lost a lot of respect for him because of it.
How many dimples has a regulation size golf ball got?
User Reviews
Submitted by DonovanMD (user info) at 2005-03-14 04:06:00 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Marge, please, old people don't need companionship. They need to be
isolated and studied, so it can be determined what nutrients they have
that might be extracted for our personal use.
-- Homer Simpson
Lady Bouvier's Lover
Submitted by CookieLass (user info) at 2005-02-12 21:58:43 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA STENCH CONNECTION!!!!!!
I'm drunk.
Submitted by Degreeless_Capibara (user info) at 2005-02-12 21:31:31 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
B@W
Submitted by mrgimp (user info) at 2005-02-12 20:16:20 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
So did you win the tent or not? Fucking old ladies their all a bunch of sheating hags if you ask me, except the ones who give you random pieces out of their handbags, they're alright.
Submitted by Timmah (user info) at 2005-02-12 20:09:42 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Wallstreet (user info) at 2005-02-12 19:57:58 (#)
Ranking: 2
The correct answer is 336 .
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wow that was quick. okay +2
Submitted by Timmah (user info) at 2005-02-12 19:58:13 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by darko (user info) at 2005-02-12 19:56:37 (#)
Ranking: 1
360?
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Very very close.
Submitted by Wallstreet (user info) at 2005-02-12 19:57:58 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
The correct answer is 336 .
Submitted by gob_bluth (user info) at 2005-02-12 19:57:28 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
I hate old white people! and fucking young ones, I hate the whites!
http://www.ubersite.com/m/59385
Submitted by darko (user info) at 2005-02-12 19:56:37 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
360?
Submitted by Timmah (user info) at 2005-02-12 19:51:59 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by BillsSBChamps (user info) at 2005-02-12 19:47:20 (#)
Ranking: -2
dumb!
=====================
congratulations! you've got aids!
Submitted by BillsSBChamps (user info) at 2005-02-12 19:47:20 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
dumb!
Submitted by Timmah (user info) at 2005-02-12 19:44:26 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Nah my age has been in a couple of my posts.
Submitted by DonkeyOnTheEdge (user info) at 2005-02-12 19:38:56 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Revealing age on Uber can be the kiss of death, but I think you'll be ok. And what the fuck do I care about a golf ball for?
Submitted by Timmah (user info) at 2005-02-12 19:35:11 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
WTF I'm not reading all that!