Don't Make Fun of the Guy Playing with Dolls or He'll Make you Suck his Dick (1463 hits)
Category: HumorRating: 1.97 on 37 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by TheCaes (View user info) at 2005-02-13 22:06:29 EST
'Twas a pleasant winters eve, the last eve of the year. I was but a fresh-faced university student, full of life and promise and mischief. For New Years Eve I attended a modest gathering thrown by some lady friends, in order to properly celebrate the turning of the calendar in a quiet, respectful fashion.
So of course we all got shitfaced and played strip-twister. But I digress.
I had made friends with a household of cool girls, all of whom were actually pretty hot. It all started when they started stalking me in order to find out about my background for this other girl who they were friends with. Eventually I got wise to their discreet espionage, and we became friends.
Soon after I made friends with them, they invited me and my friends to their New Years Eve party. When four cute girls invite you to a party, only the foolish or the gay decline. Being only sometimes the former, and only when I got really drunk that one time during that Truth or Dare game the latter, I of course accepted. I was pretty sure that my old friends would get along fine with my new ones, since they were both good groups of people, and they had me in common, so there should be no shortage of fascinating subject matter to talk about.
"Oh, that Caesar," Ellen would say. "He's ever so handsome and brave."
"Ho-ho, you've got that right," James would jovially reply. "Did I ever tell you about that time he saved me from that group of pygmies in the Himalayas?"
It would be fantastic. After all, with such contrived dialogue as the above tripe that swam around in my head, how could this POSSIBLY go badly?
Well, I was about to find out.
For the most part, it went just fine. Everyone was drunk and happy, and laughter floated in the air on waves of music and celebration. Then, as with all parties, everything began to slow down, as people retired for the evening, stumbled home, or passed out where they sat.
My friend Dylan was getting sleepy. The depressive effects of the alcohol were becoming clearly apparent. He sat on a chair, idly looking at little toys and stuffed dogs on a shelf near the fake fireplace. Dylan is a big fellow. Standing 6'6" and 240-ish pounds, he carries an intimidating demanor and is surprisingly strong even for his size. But at heart he's a big kid, so it didn't surprise me to see him, half-blind with drink, to be playing with little stuffed animals and toys. James and I sat nearby on a couch, talking about nothing in particular and giggling at our mutual friend once and a while.
Then, a big fella with a shaved head approached. He was about 6'4" and looked quite fit and angry. No one I came to the party with knew this guy -- he was a friend of a friend or something like that, and not only had we never met him before then, I am reasonably certain that none of us even spoke to him all night. He walked right up to Dylan.
"Hey! Who the fuck do you think you are?" He barked.
Dylan looked up at this imposing chap, whom I will heretofore refer to as Baldy McWanker. "Uh...what?" He responded, with are-you-talking-to-me? eyes.
"You think you can just treat my friends like that?" Baldy said, and then clearly pointed to me and James. James and I exchanged confused glances.
"Do you know this guy?" I whispered.
"Fuck no," James responded. "You?" I did not.
Baldy continued his verbal assault, calling Dylan names and telling him he shouldn't talk shit and he can't treat us (Baldy's bestest buddies for the past twenty seconds) like that and expect to get away with it. Dylan was dumbfounded and only responded with, "But I'm just SITTING here! Playing with toys!" He held up a little fluffy thing and wiggled it around by means of demonstration. Baldy kept talking.
"Uh...we're actually HIS friends," I said, and pointed at Dylan. McWanker didn't hear me, and kept talking.
And then I saw something happen to Dylan. His expression and mood turned a 180 so fast, it almost didn't register. But it was unmistakeable. One second his eyes were pools of uncertainty and confusion, and then the next, they were flinty and cold, like bulletholes in a stone wall. Never before, and never since, have I seen in anyone's eyes such an abrupt change from "what's going on here" to "i'm going to eat your children". I will never forget that, nor the fact that I not only saw his mood change, but I swear I could feel it too, and I got a little scared.
"Uh-oh." I thought. This was going to end badly. I had best do something.
That something? Well, I reached out from my chair, one of those love seats that sits so low to the ground that it makes it hard to get out of, and I tugged on Baldy McWanker's pinky finger (the only thing I could reach) to get his attention. "Hey. Hey!"
My calls and finger-pulling went unanswered. Well, he may have farted, but I can't say for sure.
Anyway, before I could say anything more, Baldy McWanker suddenly wrapped his hands around Dylan's throat and pushed his head against the wall.
"Oh shit," I thought.
Dylan easily stood up to his full height, as if a big beefy wierdo wasn't choking him, and pushed. Baldy flew backwards and crashed through my lady friends' coffee table, breaking off the legs. In an instant, James and I were out of our confining chairs and holding Dylan back from obliterating poor Baldy McWanker. We were doing a pretty good job of it too, until McWanker's friends started in on us, yelling and swearing and stabbing their fingers in the air.
James turned away from Dylan and started warning McWanker's buddies off, leaving me to deal with Dylan. Because with him outweighing me by a mere 60 pounds, I was the best choice. This continued for a minute or so, but my back was to the majority of the commotion. Then, some guy reached over my shoulder and grabbed and Dylan, ripping his shirt. His brand new shirt.
I am unable to recount what happened next with any accuracy. To the best of my knowledge, Dylan proved to everyone what a joke my body weight was as he charged forward. Something took my legs out from underneath me, and I ended up somehow flying over the back of a couch.
When I got up, I saw Dylan holding down some guy and punching him in the face, while James was struggling with some other guy. Baldy McWanker had moved off to the side and wasn't participating. A bunch of party guests intervened and seperated everyone. We took Dylan to the side and held him against the wall.
As for James, apparently a little guy started talking to shit to him. James is 6'3", 200 pounds or so, and as a point of interest, one thing he hates are little guys who act bigger than they really are. So this little guy was swearing at him and pushing him (or rather, pushing himself backwards off of James, who didn't budge at all), and eventually he grabs James' shirt and pulls.
As a second point of interest, James is a hairy man. He's like a giant Ewok or something. So when this guy pulled his shirt, he pulled his chest hair too. So James grabbed this little guy by the back of his belt and the collar of his shirt, and just tossed him aside like a cartoon character would get tossed out of a bar.
Unfortunately, he wasn't paying attention to where he was throwing him, and...er..."accidentally" threw Little Guy headfirst into a wall. CRACK! Little Guy crumpled to the ground in a heap.
"Oh shit," James thought. "I broke that little fucker's neck."
Thankfully, he was only stunned and was perfectly all right. James said he had never been so scared in his life.
Anyway, myself and the party guests are holding back Dylan, while James and some other party guests are holding back McWanker's friends and McWanker himself, who decided to join in again. So there was cursing and swearing and threats and all that fun stuff that happens when men are mad at each other.
I tried to get Dylan to calm down, and I discovered something about him that I never knew before. When he gets mad, he can only say one thing: "You'll be sucking my dick."
Me: Dylan, let it go, it's not worth it!
Dylan: (over my head) YOU'LL BE SUCKING MY DICK!!
Me: Dylan, calm down!!
Dylan: YOU'LL BE SUCKING MY DICK!!
Random Peacemaker: Dude, just calm down for a second! I'LL suck your dick if you want, just settle down!
Dylan:
...
...
YOU'LL BE SUCKING MY DICK!
So, after a few more fucking assholes and you'll be sucking my dicks, we managed to get everyone apart and going seperate ways. My friends and I left and went home to laugh about it and tease Dylan about his apparent homoerotic tendencies (what are you, a gay Incredible Hulk? RARG! Hulk want rimjob! And so forth). In addition, I started to think about ways to patch up relations between my old friends and my new friends, who's party we had just ruined. I also discovered that when Baldy McWanker crashed through the table, he broke some bottles which I must have stepped on, because I found the inside of my shoe was red with blood.
On the other side of things, before we left the party, we saw Baldy McWanker, whom Dylan had done nothing more to than push to the ground (through a table, granted), was sitting in the corner and weeping openly. We never did find out what was with that guy, but clearly he had some emotional issues.
Thankfully, everything turned out okay on the friendship front once we explained to the girls what had happened. They had only seen Dylan throw this guy through their table, and being the first time they had really met him, they sort of thought he was a jerk. But they came around. It didn't hurt that Baldy McWanker was crying like a baby and punching holes in their walls after we left. Next year we went to their New Years Party again, and there was nary a rage-induced dicksucking to be found.
Best New Years ever.
Seriously. I've never had so much fun!
User Reviews
Submitted by Alter (user info) at 2007-09-26 21:53:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No, Comment.
Submitted by MandaPanda (user info) at 2006-05-29 08:33:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I haven't laughed so hard in a looooooooong time.
Holy crap! You're now one of my most favorite authors of ALL TIME.
Submitted by Spam (user info) at 2005-05-20 12:21:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
My word that was funny.
how did this not make B@W?
Submitted by munkeypants (user info) at 2005-04-07 11:32:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
okay now I know what your SN means.
Submitted by Holz (user info) at 2005-03-07 17:45:03 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Winners
I couldn't decide between these two so they tie for 2nd.
polyamorousaj for
http://www.ubersite.com/m/34719
and
TheCaes for
http://www.ubersite.com/m/59499
2nd placers get +2's to any 5 posts or something along those lines if you can think of something
better.
And 1st goes to AwesomeJohnson for this awesome post:
http://www.ubersite.com/m/53883
1st may name their price within reason (No, I will not send you money. I need it for booze.)
Submitted by Holz (user info) at 2005-03-07 12:52:58 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by wanderingsharps (user info) at 2005-02-14 16:50:45 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
not bad. I liked it
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2005-02-14 12:11:28 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I bow down to your literary skills.
"RARG! Hulk want rimjob!"
Damm you for making me fall off my chair laughing at work!
Submitted by Jeanneee (user info) at 2005-02-14 09:31:57 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by MrCoffee (user info) at 2005-02-13 23:19:21 (#)
Ranking: 2
B@W!
this was fucking great! well written and funny.
"hulk want rimjob"
gold
Submitted by mrwolf (user info) at 2005-02-14 08:31:00 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Fucking hilarious... YOU'LL BE SUCKING MY DICK!!!!
Submitted by MisterOCD (user info) at 2005-02-14 07:37:57 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by The_Wizard (user info) at 2005-02-14 04:46:33 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by DanielH (user info) at 2005-02-14 00:43:04 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
One of the best post I've read in a long while. You can write. This is why I come to this site.
"When four cute girls invite you to a party, only the foolish or the gay decline."
(Unless they're from Wellesley- or worse still, Sewanne.) ++++
Submitted by algermetiphist (user info) at 2005-02-14 00:35:38 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Awesomeness.
Submitted by Seralena (user info) at 2005-02-14 00:27:54 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Amazing.
Submitted by Dustbrother (user info) at 2005-02-14 00:24:10 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
No Comment
Submitted by Ed_0150 (user info) at 2005-02-14 00:14:05 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
haha, that was fantastic
Submitted by chipolatte (user info) at 2005-02-14 00:13:51 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"Oh, that Caesar," Ellen would say. "He's ever so handsome and brave."
"Ho-ho, you've got that right," James would jovially reply. "Did I ever tell you about that time he saved me from that group of pygmies in the Himalayas?"
-----
hahahahaha
Submitted by hungovermondays (user info) at 2005-02-14 00:07:05 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I can't break a 18 run with a 1
Submitted by Pentameter (user info) at 2005-02-13 23:47:52 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Just excellent!
Submitted by Mr.JackassFrost (user info) at 2005-02-13 23:41:10 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Random Peacemaker: Dude, just calm down for a second! I'LL suck your dick if you want, just settle down!
Dylan:
...
...
YOU'LL BE SUCKING MY DICK!
-------------------
Fucking gold man.
B@W
Submitted by BongZilla (user info) at 2005-02-13 23:20:35 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Awesome story. Man, one of my biggest pet peeves are pussy dudes with Little man syndrome.
Submitted by MrCoffee (user info) at 2005-02-13 23:19:21 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
B@W!
this was fucking great! well written and funny.
"hulk want rimjob"
gold
Submitted by GodLovesALittleLovin (user info) at 2005-02-13 23:17:40 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
my +2 for today goes to you (horn blares)
Who cares?
WHO CARES????
dun dun dudn dudud dun dun dun dun
?
Submitted by MoneyG (user info) at 2005-02-13 23:16:33 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by girlintheworld (user info) at 2005-02-13 23:11:21 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Tokerson (user info) at 2005-02-13 23:09:13 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Excellently choreographed
Submitted by Umbilical_Cord (user info) at 2005-02-13 23:08:45 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Ahaahahahahah
Submitted by MyNameIsTim (user info) at 2005-02-13 23:03:36 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 on 60+ reviews.
fucking awesome.
i love violence against little people.
well, i'm going to shower and wipe my butt.
Submitted by stardamage (user info) at 2005-02-13 22:47:57 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"Never before, and never since, have I seen in anyone's eyes such an abrupt change from "what's going on here" to "i'm going to eat your children"."
For some reason I just burst out laughing at this line and only just got control of myself.
Damn you!
Submitted by Mister_Fahrenheit (user info) at 2005-02-13 22:40:18 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by FunnyAsCancer (user info) at 2005-02-13 22:36:36 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
B@W
Submitted by Benny (user info) at 2005-02-13 22:32:09 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I can't believe some guy said he was willing to suck his dick in order to calm him down.
Submitted by Stabkill (user info) at 2005-02-13 22:31:03 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Playing with dolls reminded me of this:
http://www.ladyofthecake.com/mel/space/sounds/dolls3.wav
Your incident had a little more violence (which I approve of 100%).
Sometimes you just gotta let people get their ass beat. I guess you knew your friend was capable of really hurting someone so you did the best you could to look out for the guy. Good friend you are.
Submitted by will72 (user info) at 2005-02-13 22:29:06 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
i cant wait for college
Submitted by Tastycat (user info) at 2005-02-13 22:18:28 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Fuck, I want college experiences like that.
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2005-02-13 22:14:50 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Oh man. Hulk want rimjob!
Yeah, the rest of it was pretty good too.