Farting on an escalator (2758 hits)
Category: Science & EnvironmentalLabels: Some of my best work
Rating: 1.81 on 41 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Fat Tony (View user info) at 2005-02-14 12:42:12 EST
Saturday afternoon in Nordstroms to buy some Valentine's Day crap for my woman. I've got 3 things
to buy in Nordstroms then See's Candy and I'm done. THE CARD! Can't forget the friggin card
otherwise the entire day is going to go down to the crapper. I'm off to the perfume counter.
After I've made my purchase I walk right past two young ladies who I made eye contact with. I've
got to admit that one was incredibly gorgeous and couldn't have been more then 20. I checked her
out from head to toe then back to sexy green eyes, I couldn't help but smile. They both laughed.
Great, that will echo in my mind while I'm trying to maintain an erection tonight. Fugghetabouit.
As I walk pass them I can hear them snicker and laugh and I've even heard a fat joke. Fuck it. No
need to confront young chicks in a mall. As I get on the escalator I can hear them behind me. I had
a evil thought. Fart. Fart like you've never farted before. Let them smell and inhale the fruits of
your lower intestine, but it must be silent! I fix myself in the ballet position (heels touching,
toes pointed outward, knees slightly bent) and I puuuuuuuuuuuuush. My face quickly changed from one
of hard labor to one of great pleasure as the methane gas slowly and ever so silently escaped thru
my anus. The laughter and snickering was quickly turned into gasping and silence. Victory is mine!
I had to fight myself not to turn and watch my victory, a great warior doesn't have to see a bloody
battelfield to know he's won. Yeah, that's the ticket. As I appproach the mirror on the cieling, I
had to look at their facial expression, it was one of horror and disgust. Like a vulture sensing
death I go in for the kill. I contort my midsection like a belly dancer to find another pocket of
methane evil and I unleashed it. The pocket was so deep that it couldn't be silenced, it sounded
like a Harley Davidson coming toward you. I couldn't help but let out a sinister laugh.
The 30 second ride from hell is over. They've inhaled my farts and technically tasted them. As I
arrive at the second floor and am greeted by a well dressed manakin I step aside and watch the two
young ladies eascape from behind me. Again we made eye contact, only this time I was the one that
was laughing.
Just like I didn't care what the two girls thought of me, I don't care what you think of my not
spell checking. Everyone makes mistakes. Only a select few try to hide them.
User Reviews
Submitted by Ltap (user info) at 2007-12-20 16:58:18 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by cuberat (user info) at 2007-09-14 15:34:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
B@W
Submitted by TheUniter (user info) at 2006-11-14 19:15:25 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by FatTony (user info) at 2006-11-14 19:00:40 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
GIVE ME MY B@W POST!!!!!
Submitted by FatTony (user info) at 2005-11-09 22:30:33 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
GIVE ME MY B@W!
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2005-11-09 15:23:25 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
This is a classic.
Submitted by Feijuada (user info) at 2005-04-25 20:14:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by FatTony (user info) at 2005-03-13 20:12:26 (#)
Ranking: 0
I thought this would make B@W
---------
I didn't read this, but +2 for the comment and labeling this under "Science and Enviromental"
Submitted by DonovanMD (user info) at 2005-04-25 19:57:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You're my inspiration for this Tony:
http://www.ubersite.com/m/65022
Submitted by FatTony (user info) at 2005-03-13 20:12:26 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
I thought this would make B@W
Submitted by TimeCop (user info) at 2005-03-11 01:29:37 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Good one.
Submitted by CoreaPeekay (user info) at 2005-03-11 01:04:35 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2005-02-14 15:50:32 (#)
Ranking: 1
just like Auschwitz - they were mechanically delivered to their doom.
BAAAAAAAAAAAAHAHSHAAHAHAH!!
owned them womenz good with your arse. Golden. First time I've laughed all day.
Submitted by FatTony (user info) at 2005-03-11 00:40:19 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Heh
Submitted by transhuman (user info) at 2005-02-14 18:33:29 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Joemama (user info) at 2005-02-14 18:31:46 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Hiyadoin
+1 for shopping at Nordstroms
+.5 for doing the "elevator-equalizer"
-.5 for not putting the blame elsewhere
+.5 for admitting it
Submitted by FatTony (user info) at 2005-02-14 17:43:19 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
I find it amazing that everyone agrees with what I did.
Had I said that I'd like to fard on Loren1's face everyone would have a hissy fit.
Submitted by Kamargo (user info) at 2005-02-14 17:41:17 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Good one Tony, I bet they wont laugh at fat dudes that are ahead of them in an escalator or an elevator or somewhere where they can't escape from your wrath...
"And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance and furious anger, those who attempt to poison and destroy my brothers."
Ohhhhhhh, wait... YOU poisoned them... mwahahahaha
Submitted by peckerhead (user info) at 2005-02-14 17:35:50 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"The horror. The horror" - M.B. from Apocolypse Now
Submitted by wanderingsharps (user info) at 2005-02-14 16:20:40 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
well put...
short,sweet and smelly
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2005-02-14 15:50:32 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
just like Auschwitz - they were mechanically delivered to their doom.
Submitted by diadima (user info) at 2005-02-14 14:43:13 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
heh.
Submitted by FATMANTPK (user info) at 2005-02-14 14:27:45 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by bossk (user info) at 2005-02-14 14:00:41 (#)
Ranking: 2
I would hate to hang out with you, but sometimes I do like reading of your evil ways.
=======================================================================================
I disagree...I bet it would be a gas to hang out with Fat Tony
*rimshot*
Submitted by j0andre1 (user info) at 2005-02-14 14:14:57 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"a great warior doesn't have to see a bloody
battelfield to know he's won"
If you're shooting blood out your ass you should really see a doctor.
Funny shit though
Submitted by domenad (user info) at 2005-02-14 14:06:46 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
..a great warior doesn't have to see a bloody battelfield to know he's won.
Submitted by hungovermondays (user info) at 2005-02-14 14:05:19 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
gas the little bitches Tony,
gas the whole mall!
Submitted by bossk (user info) at 2005-02-14 14:00:41 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I would hate to hang out with you, but sometimes I do like reading of your evil ways.
Submitted by precision (user info) at 2005-02-14 13:57:16 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
a biological attack on the mall rats, I love it!
Submitted by FatTony (user info) at 2005-02-14 13:48:37 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Caulaincourt, you've given me two +2's in a row. I.... I'm speechless.
I'd like to thank Jesus Christ, my personal Lord & Saviour. I'd like to thank my mom for not aborting me. And I'd like to thank Uber....
Submitted by 1Point21Gigawatts (user info) at 2005-02-14 13:34:48 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
One day, my dad and I were on an elevator on a cruise ship, dressed to a T in tuxes for a big gala. We exit the elevator at the lobby, and a bunch of people got on after us. My pop smiles, turns to me and says "I left a lil present for those people". Just then I turned 'round and looked at their expressions as the doors closed. It looked like they'd just tasted death. It was awesome. My dad is the man.
Submitted by FATMANTPK (user info) at 2005-02-14 13:32:01 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Bravo! Be sure to save some for a Valentines Dutch Oven tonight
Submitted by Caulaincourt (user info) at 2005-02-14 13:18:32 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I do that in elevators. But not for revenge, just out of pure hatred for stuck up corporate dicks.
Submitted by Sideburns (user info) at 2005-02-14 13:17:56 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
My bellybutton smells funny.
Submitted by Sassmasterr (user info) at 2005-02-14 13:08:08 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
put them bitches in their place
Submitted by snackdrag (user info) at 2005-02-14 13:07:43 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
oh fat tony, you are the greatest
Submitted by ellsmall (user info) at 2005-02-14 13:07:07 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Just wonderful.
Submitted by TheSpook (user info) at 2005-02-14 13:01:25 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Submitted by Jeanneee (user info) at 2005-02-14 12:45:35 (#)
Ranking: 1
You owned those bitches with your ass.
Submitted by Bizdorph (user info) at 2005-02-14 12:54:28 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by knucklesnelson (user info) at 2005-02-14 12:51:31 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Ahh the one cheek sneak. Very good work ya greasy gassy gini!
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2005-02-14 12:51:11 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
A well-deserved +2 and a Simpsonism:
Kirk: One day your wife is making you your favorite meal, the next day
you're thawin'a hot dog in a gas station sink.
Homer: Oh, that's tough, pal. But it's never gonna happen to me.
Submitted by Vomit (user info) at 2005-02-14 12:46:12 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Farts are funny.
Submitted by Jeanneee (user info) at 2005-02-14 12:45:35 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
You owned those bitches with your ass.
Submitted by xenon (user info) at 2005-02-14 12:45:15 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment