Women are odd (Long) (1038 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1.88 on 19 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Grin (View user info) at 2005-02-14 21:17:12 EST
Okay, not all women, but I wanted an attention getting title. With the mushiness about V-Day out of the way, and because I'm such a fan of JMG114's misadventures in dating, I figured I'd submit some of my own stories. Granted, I haven't encountered anyone nearly as...unique...as Jared, but I think you might get a kick out of these. I'm leaving the first names intact, but I won't post last names.
Janine:
This is a girl I wentto high school with. She was an oddball that collected those red things on pacakges of cigarettes. I'm not sure what she did with them, nor am I sure I want to know. So one fine day after graduating high school, I was farting around on ICQ when I came across her name. I figured it couldn't hurt to talk to her. After a bit of small talk, and with no question towards the topic, she starts going on and on and on about her sex life. Every man she's been with, every position she's tried, every time she swallowed, etc.
Sounds great, right? I'd like to point out she looked like Kelsey Grammer's head on Calista Flockheart's body.
Should have blocked her, obviously. But I was interested in seeing where this went.
"So, you've tried anal, have you?"
Suddenly I'M the pervert!
I block her and assume that's the end of it.
Wrong.
Cut to me back in college, killing time between classes with a game of Gauntlet Legends. With my Yellow Wizard being eaten by the Genie, and class only minutes away, I turn and head out of the arcade. Guess who meets me at the door? Imagine me being followed around campus by a shreiking Frasier McBeal monstrosity that claims I'm following HER around. I wonder if it counts as violence against women if she looks like a man? But as much as I wanted to snap her bones, I reached my class and slammed the door behind me. Fuck that bitch!
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Bar Girl:
This is one where I don't remember her name. Nor do I want to. I was sitting in a dive bar one friday purely because I had the night off. Although, like all men, I'm always on the lookout for pussy, I wasn't as active in my pursuit this time. No, I was quite content to sit and enjoy a beer when this girl comes up to me. Not world class, but no horse face, either. I'd rate her around a 6. Dirty blonde hair, kinda chubby, blue eyes, bit of a plain face. And she asks me for a light.
Now I don't smoke, but everyone seems to assume I do, so for this reason I do carry a lighter. I give her a light.
"So, what's your name?"
"Josh, and yours?"
She tells me her name, which I don't remember. Something with an L.
"Nice to meet you." I say, feinging interest in whatever nonsense she says in the quest for some pussy. The VERY next question out of her mouth is:
"So what's your opinion on the war in Iraq?"
Now I am not a prude, but I make it an effort to know more about a person before I ask for their opinions on politics. And even though we may have a difference of opinion, we can still get along. Some of my best friends have different opinions on a number of issues. So I take a gamble.
"I'm for it." I'm all for bringing down tyrants, though I believe Bush could have done things a whole lot better.
>wack!< I am punched in the shoulder. First thought: WE FIGHT NOW! ME GO HITTY! Second thought: Puuuuusssssssyyyyyyyy!
Now as I said, I don't mind a difference of opinion, so long as you sound like you know what you're talking about. She seriously thought Iraq was near Germany. And began asking questions like "Well how do we know Saddam is such a bad person?"
Hm. Let's ask all the women in Iraq who didn't act like meat puppets. Oh, we can't, they're dead.
Still, my reasoning is: She's a moron, and I won't have to listen to her babbling with my cock down her throat.
NOW she starts with the small talk.
"So, what do you do?" I explain I work in retail to finance my way through college.
"Oh God, how can you work there?"
YOU WORK IN A GROCERY STORE! In the SEAFOOD Department! So I go home smelling like me, and you go home smelling like dead, rotting FISH!
"So what do you do in your spare time?"
"Well I write short fiction..."
"Oh God, my LAST boyfriend was a writer."
I'm your boyfriend now, am I? Your chances for even a fuck are rapidly dwindling. Going, going, (finishing my beer), gone.
A month or so later, she comes up to me again.
"Hey, you remember me?" At this point, I didn't. I only recognized her after our little exchange.
"No, I'm sorry, I don't."
"You were saying you were a magician."
"Um.."
"Okay, bye."
******************************************************
Julia:
Now I don't usually go for blind dates. But a friend of mine said his girlfriend had someone lined up who was "cute and sweet, and very religious, and she isn't working right now." Now I've since learned to say no, but at this point, I was desperate. So I agreed to date her. I meet her at a mall foodcourt and we were to go to a movie. She did not have one lick of body fat, a horse like face, and a huge, ugly growth on her ear. But I figured she was the friend of my friend's girl, so I should at least try and be nice and take her out anyway.
As we walk out of the mall she keeps dropping not-so-subtle hints she wants me to buy her a thong. Such as saying "I want a thong". Let's examine my three conditions to buying a woman underwear.
1. I can afford to (I could)
2. I get to see you in a thong. (Doubtful due to her religious beliefs which I will elaborate on)
3. I WANT to see you in a thong. (Nope.)
Off we go to the movie and we start making small talk. Somehow the conversation turned to comics and I mentioned Docrot Octopus plotting to destroy the world and Spider-man trying to stop him.
"Well then Spider-Man is a sinner and should burn in Hell."
RED ALERT! RED ALERT! "Pardon?"
"Well if God is telling Doctor Octopus to destroy the world..."
"....Bye!" Cloud of dust, swinging doors.
*******************************************************************
Laura:
This is a story some of you might be familiar with. I was at the gym and started to do my curls when his skinny (to this day I am convinced she had implants since you can't be that thin and have boobs that big. How thin was she? She made Paris Hilton look like a sumo wrestler), blonde, brown eyed,pretty young girl that was curilng with two pound wieghts (how in the fuck did you open the door to the gym?) laughs and says I'm making her look bad. Some idle flirting later, and I have her number and get a date. I learn she had just broken up with her boyfriend and had filed three restraining orders against him. He beat, raped, and verbally abused her.
Thought one: Uh-oh.
Thought two: Blonde pussy.
"Oh, that's too bad. A guy should respect your independance." We later watch one of my favourite films that she picked out (Evil Dead 2? And a girl wanted to see it! Hmmm....) and after the film enter a hot little make-out session which stops just short of nudity (can't blow it all on the first date). The next day I thump on her boyfriend when I see him harassing her. I am by no means a violent man, but if I see you picking on a woman, I will step in. And for a guy that likes to pick on girls, I've had pillow fights that hurt more. He walks away bleeding, I walk away with a headache. From here I think I can prove I'm much more desireable than an abusive fuck nut. The very next day she dumps me to go back to him.
Wha?
"I only made out with you to see if I would like it."
And you say you want a guy who respects you? Suggestion: Don't act like a cheap whore. What'd happen if I dropped my pants, then? Bah!
That's enough for now.
User Reviews
Submitted by MrRottenTreats (user info) at 2005-02-16 22:24:45 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"No, I'm sorry, I don't."
"You were saying you were a magician."
"Um.."
"Okay, bye."
+2 right there
Submitted by Feijuada (user info) at 2005-02-16 22:20:56 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I think this would explain it (hitwhore) : http://www.ubersite.com/m/58097
Submitted by thecaes (user info) at 2005-02-16 22:09:32 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Oh. You practically did stop right there.
Well, okay then.
Carry on.
Submitted by thecaes (user info) at 2005-02-16 22:08:49 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"I'd like to point out she looked like Kelsey Grammer's head on Calista Flockheart's body."
Dude, right there. Stop right there. That should have been the end of your story with her. Now to read from that point on.
Submitted by c1ndy (user info) at 2005-02-16 15:32:54 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2005-02-15 10:17:37 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
well then... :)
a haiku for your efforts:
Some women are odd
Grin is most unfortunate
He got three oddballs
Submitted by Caulaincourt (user info) at 2005-02-15 10:13:24 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Jeanneee (user info) at 2005-02-15 08:11:22 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
HAHAHAHAHAHA
Submitted by TigerLilly (user info) at 2005-02-15 07:57:21 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Great.
Submitted by hungovermondays (user info) at 2005-02-15 01:47:56 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
well written.
Submitted by ellsmall (user info) at 2005-02-15 01:29:33 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Sometimes the only reason to be with a woman is so you don't have to do the gay.
Submitted by Pentameter (user info) at 2005-02-14 23:43:41 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
This was awesome.
Submitted by TheSpook (user info) at 2005-02-14 22:57:01 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Women are even.
Submitted by thorpe (user info) at 2005-02-14 21:58:56 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"I wonder if it counts as violence against women if she looks like a man?"
Oh man that cracked me up. Yeah i actually read it this time
Submitted by thorpe (user info) at 2005-02-14 21:41:00 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Women are long (Odd)
Submitted by Quasiplasmohedron (user info) at 2005-02-14 21:34:46 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Bizantine (user info) at 2005-02-14 21:32:54 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
bah. women.
Submitted by Sassmasterr (user info) at 2005-02-14 21:22:05 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
women...
Submitted by Thored (user info) at 2005-02-14 21:21:26 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment