What if countries were RPG characters? (1679 hits)
Category: PoliticsRating: 1.93 on 40 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Enraged Baboon (View user info) at 2005-02-15 08:18:48 EST
With the current media focus on geopolitics and wars it is important that citizens understand global issues in a mature and complex fashion. That is why I am explaining the relative abilities of nation-states by comparing them to RPG characters. We all know that the United States is a level 65 tank mage, played by a pimple-faced teenager who cheats and says "pwnt" all the time, but what about some of the other countries? I have focused here on three nations by taking data from the Oxford Military Balance journal and totally distorting it to make it relevent in a conversation about elves.
GERMANY:
Germany is the death knight who would dominate every other character in the game except it isn't allowed to use any of its special moves, because they all involve gassing Jews. Therefore, Germany always loses. Due to its dubious history as the nation that was dumb enough to think Hitler was cool, Germany has een excluded from the nuclear weapons club. In RPG terms, this means Germany isn't allowed to cast any spells if it is wearing anything better than studded leather armor. With 300,000 active soldiers and another 350,000 in reserve, Germany's armed forces are well-equipped to dominate 2nd-world nations that don't really matter, like Poland. The army boasts 2,400 tanks, 900 armed personnel carriers, and 525 helicopters... but none of that shit matters, because France has the bomb. Apart from the lack of a nuclear cock, one other disadvantage is Germany's pathetic navy, which doesn't even have an aircraft carrier. Germany is the character class that was awesome until the moderators changed all its powers and made it crappy.
NORTH KOREA:
North Korea is a reclusive asian wizard of chaotic-evil alignment. I don't know why it has to be asian in its RPG form, but it just is. In the process of consuming bat flesh for recreational purposes, North Korea somehow discovered a glitch in the game software - enabling it to actually be a good fighter. This glitch involves some minor sacrifices on North Korea's part, such as food for its citizens (RPG equivalence means that North Korea resembles Starvin' Marvin when it is pictured in videogame form). In return for violating its populace, North Korea gets a whole bunch of sweet benefits like 1.1 million active soldiers and 5 million reservists. They also have 3,500 tanks and 10,400 pieces of artillery all aimed at Seoul - which they will turn into a "sea of fire" if anyone tries to fuck with them. If you believe Fox News - Oxford Military Balance don't - then North Korea has just produced its first nuclear device. Unfortunately it has no intercontinental delivery devices. Perhaps it will send them to enemies in the mail? This mad-scientist behavior means that the RPG version of North Korea has a bunch of potions that could either kill you or turn North Korea into a sloth.
HONDURAS:
Honduras is a level one paladin with good intentions and fourteen gold pieces. Its weapon of choice is the wooden shield, as it cannot afford any pointed objects. Some may call this a "weapon" of necessity, to which Honduras angrily replies "stfu newb it's enchanted". It isn't enchanted. It's just a wooden shield. The 12,000 soldiers who defend Honduras are the proud owners of twelve light tanks and 28 pieces of artillary. It is postulated that if Honduras played Ultima Online it would be killed by a hind. Honduras owns five helicopters, which is like playing Microsoft's Flight Simulator and choosing to fly a chicken home to roost. The Honduras navy has zero capital ships. The largest vessel in their fleet is a larger, updated version of the swiftboat John Kerry captained in Vietnam. The RPG avatar of Honduras is a hilarious picture of John Kerry.
User Reviews
Submitted by particle_man58 (user info) at 2007-01-02 02:20:07 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
outstanding
Submitted by konohasaiyajin (user info) at 2007-01-01 20:58:12 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
That's great. You should do another with more countries.
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2006-07-26 16:46:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
still very excellent
Submitted by Ingsoc (user info) at 2006-06-04 20:24:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Too, too short but brilliant furthertheless.
Submitted by Axolotl (user info) at 2006-06-01 12:38:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Nominated for best ever
http://www.ubersite.com/m/88623
Submitted by lordofthedance (user info) at 2005-03-17 18:34:51 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Australia. Do it.
Submitted by lordofthedance (user info) at 2005-03-17 18:34:04 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I suck because I think this is one of the funniest things I've read on this site.
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2005-03-17 18:19:46 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I want more of this one, too!
Submitted by Degreeless_Capibara (user info) at 2005-02-15 22:37:50 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Submitted by Adamdidit2u (user info) at 2005-02-15 09:45:10 (#)
Ranking: 2
China--OMG Zerg Rush!
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Hahaha yeah, Germany was like that guy who the moderators docked after he kept PK'ing noobs.
Psh, I had no social life in middle school. So sue me.
Submitted by BigCore (user info) at 2005-02-15 22:32:32 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
My, I can't wait to see the next set(s). Here's hoping France gets shut down.
Submitted by thecaes (user info) at 2005-02-15 22:17:23 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Creative, brilliant, well written.
Fucking marvelous.
Submitted by thecaes (user info) at 2005-02-15 22:14:22 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Germany is the death knight who would dominate every other character in the game except it isn't allowed to use any of its special moves, because they all involve gassing Jews.
HOLY -- !!
* trying not to laugh, because it would be so, so wrong *
+2 right there. Now to read the rest of it.
Submitted by screamfeeder (user info) at 2005-02-15 20:40:28 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by LadyPlural (user info) at 2005-02-15 20:20:16 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
This was utterly classy. Do continue, please.
Submitted by Jimmy (user info) at 2005-02-15 19:15:16 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
THE REAL QUESTION IS WHAT IF COUNTRIES WEREN'T RPG CHARACTERS
Submitted by Adjomak (user info) at 2005-02-15 19:14:44 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Seriously, more, more. Can't wait to see what you do to France.
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2005-02-15 19:07:34 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Kamargo (user info) at 2005-02-15 13:07:20 (#)
Ranking: 2
Please continue posting countries, this just rules... keep up the good work, I say
This fuckin' rules, and hard...more please!
Submitted by zakalwe (user info) at 2005-02-15 14:41:31 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
More.
Submitted by wanderingsharps (user info) at 2005-02-15 14:22:30 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
the amount of effort is stunning.
well done
Submitted by FelizJbirth (user info) at 2005-02-15 13:08:23 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Sorry, I never noticed you mentioned the US in your first paragraph. I'm stoned, it's not my fault.
I think you're right, but the US would have to be a death mage or something... maybe even a necromancer.
Submitted by Kamargo (user info) at 2005-02-15 13:07:20 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Please continue posting countries, this just rules... keep up the good work, I say
Submitted by FelizJbirth (user info) at 2005-02-15 13:07:05 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I like the way you think, but I wish you had have included a USA character. That would be a badass RPG character.
Submitted by munkeypants (user info) at 2005-02-15 12:56:53 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by tinactin (user info) at 2005-02-15 10:35:06 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by mikethescottish (user info) at 2005-02-15 10:31:29 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No prizes for guessing which country i'd like you to do next...
Submitted by polyamorousaj (user info) at 2005-02-15 10:19:57 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Yes.
Submitted by Gollman (user info) at 2005-02-15 09:54:36 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Creepy_guy (user info) at 2005-02-15 09:52:13 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
That Ultima Online reference was the best! First time I created a character in that game, I walked about 10 steps, attacked a sheep and died. Good times.
Submitted by Adamdidit2u (user info) at 2005-02-15 09:45:10 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
China--OMG Zerg Rush!
Submitted by Syntax (user info) at 2005-02-15 09:45:04 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
In all honesty, this was the funniest post I've ever read. Please do more, sir.
Submitted by IcyBlackHand (user info) at 2005-02-15 09:34:49 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Philst82 (user info) at 2005-02-15 09:29:19 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Want more. Great stuff.
Submitted by AlwaysAnEagle (user info) at 2005-02-15 09:29:10 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Oh, Honduras.
Submitted by InsoManiac (user info) at 2005-02-15 09:25:25 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2005-02-15 09:01:48 (#)
Ranking: 2
That was well funny, do more!
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Haha, I think that about sums it up.
Nice man, more countries please.
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2005-02-15 09:01:48 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
That was well funny, do more!
Submitted by DeathJester (user info) at 2005-02-15 08:58:31 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Germany is the death knight who would dominate every other character in the game except it isn't allowed to use any of its special moves, because they all involve gassing Jews.
I stopped reading there. This post already got as good as can.
Submitted by Mitchapalooza (user info) at 2005-02-15 08:54:44 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
The FUNNIEST and most clever thing I've read on Uber in weeks.
NICE WORK!! POST MORE COUNTRIES.
(england, canada.... lappland, whatever!)
Submitted by DonkeyOnTheEdge (user info) at 2005-02-15 08:33:40 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I'll be in Germany on temporary duty for the Army. I think I'll call the "teh suxxorz" and ruin their shit with my level 73 .50 cal mounted on top of a beemer on the autobahn.
Submitted by Ivy (user info) at 2005-02-15 08:32:28 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
"and totally distorting it to make it relevent in a conversation about elves."
Ha!
Submitted by indoninja (user info) at 2005-02-15 08:25:39 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
YOu missed a lot of countries, and are a big nerd, but so am I apparently because I though this was hilarious.