My Valentine’s Day kicked your Valentine’s Day’s ass! (814 hits)
Category: RomanceRating: 1.56 on 23 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by <xenon> (View user info) at 2005-02-15 09:24:14 EST
Holy Shiite, I never knew V-Day could be so incredible for a man. I must now offer "Xenon's tips to success for getting the most out of your Valentine's Day for guys TM."
#1: Do/say/give/lick/suck/eat/burn/destroy whatever she wants.
#2: See #1
Guys...take it from me. Screw steak and BJ day (http://www.ubersite.com/m/56764). If you want all that and MORE follow my tips to success. Let me give you a brief run down of what happened to me.
My wife told me last month exactly what she wanted for V-Day. She wanted a particular arrangement of flowers from a local shop along with a small box of her favorite chocolates. Though it wasn't much, it still cost close to $90. Whatever, I know she deserves it. So, I get exactly that and come up with a creative note with the flowers. Plus, I design a nice card for her while at work on the day of Valentine's to present to her when I get home.
All goes well. She calls about 3 PM on the 14th to tell me that she got the flowers and they're beautiful. Score 1 for Xenon.
I arrive home about 5 PM, and take out from O'Charley's is on the table hot and ready. She greets me with passionate kisses and a note on my place. The note says (paraphrasing):
"There are 3 ways to a man's heart:
1: Food
2: Words
3: Sex
Tonight, you will get all three in that order."
Score 2 for Xenon.
Sweet, sounds good to me. We enjoy our chipotle chicken, salad, and bread. After that, we went to the bedroom where she had notes hanging from the ceiling that she had written to me when we were dating. She had also written, "I love you," in multiple languages on a mural in our room. Now, it's my turn to open my gifts.
I got:
1 - framed picture from our wedding (very nice, sentimental)
1 - framed lyrics to a John Denver love song that she likes (ok, not too bad, she likes the song)
1 - UBERHOT BLACK LINGERIE FROM GOD'S GIFT TO HORNY MEN, VICTORIA'S SECRET
A sheer black bra that seemed about 3 sizes too small, and some lacy, black, sheer boy-shorts to match.
These weren't for me to wear either, folks. She then instructed me to shower after which we would play a game.
We didn't play Candyland. No. This was a new game she picked up called "Sex Around the House." Yes, it's a real game.
Let's just say the rest of the night was spent in every possible place in and out of the house doing everything imaginable. I'll spare you the details and give you an itemized list.
4 - number of times I got my dick sucked
3 - number of times I ate her pussy
3 - number of times we gave each other massages and back rubs
2 - number of times we had sex
2 - number of times I orgasmed
1 - number of times she orgasmed
4 - the number of hours I slept last night
>1000 the number of times I've visualized something we did last night this morning alone.
Guys, I'm telling you. She made it very clear that the reason I was given such a spectacular evening last night was because I got her exactly what she wanted. I repeat...if you want sex, do what she says. Sure every guy has his standards, but there is a time and a place for said standards. Don't let standards get in the way of a good pole-polishing.
User Reviews
Submitted by Hairsphincter (user info) at 2005-04-05 21:42:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
No, champion, mine was better.
Submitted by Professional_Peon (user info) at 2005-02-15 14:56:11 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
+1 for enjoying the sex more then your wife did.
Submitted by xenon (user info) at 2005-02-15 14:31:53 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by WhatTheHell (user info) at 2005-02-15 10:35:11 (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm gonna do what the sign says.
Good job on the interview BTW.....
Rockith Onward
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Thanks, you didn't even review it!
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2005-02-15 12:18:17 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
You could have had sex with yourselves and been less bitter, ladies.
A self-induced orgasm releases 91.7% of all bitterness.
Submitted by lojope (user info) at 2005-02-15 12:13:31 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by munkeypants (user info) at 2005-02-15 12:08:43 (#)
Ranking: 2
screw you for having sex on valentines day.
screw you, man
~*~*~*~*~
Yup.
Submitted by BrittInToledo (user info) at 2005-02-15 12:13:30 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
People that are in love and don't rub it in ROCK.
Submitted by munkeypants (user info) at 2005-02-15 12:08:43 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
screw you for having sex on valentines day.
screw you, man.
Submitted by WhatTheHell (user info) at 2005-02-15 10:35:11 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm gonna do what the sign says.
Good job on the interview BTW.....
Rockith Onward
Submitted by InsoManiac (user info) at 2005-02-15 10:30:55 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Damnit, my secrets out.
It really does work. Chicks are suckers for doing what they say. Ha! I win
Submitted by xenon (user info) at 2005-02-15 09:49:50 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Adamdidit2u (user info) at 2005-02-15 09:47:44 (#)
Ranking: 2
Yea that's why I like your wife so much
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WHAT'S THAT SUPPOSED TO MEAN?! YOU BEEN COMIN' ROUND MY BACK DOOR WHILE I BE AT WORK?!
Submitted by Adamdidit2u (user info) at 2005-02-15 09:47:44 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Yea that's why I like your wife so much
Submitted by xenon (user info) at 2005-02-15 09:46:52 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Pentameter (user info) at 2005-02-15 09:39:43 (#)
Ranking: 2
3 - number of times I ate her pussy
1 - number of times she orgasmed
Sounds like you need to learn how to kiss the "little lady" a little better. You'd be no husband of mine, dammit!
Regardless, +2 because you're a nice guy and you made me chuckle a few times.
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Ahhh, that's where you're wrong. The orgasm was done with the magic Xenon finger of orgasmic doom TM.
Trust me. Her climaxes are so volcanic, she can only handle like 1 every 12 hours. She says her "clit with fall off" if I try to do it more than that.
I guess that means it's good?
Submitted by QueenAshlee (user info) at 2005-02-15 09:46:09 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
You're right.
No +2 because my V-day sucked so now I hate you.
Submitted by xenon (user info) at 2005-02-15 09:45:08 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by jgreening (user info) at 2005-02-15 09:42:27 (#)
Ranking: 2
Pictures, maybe?
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I'm going to find that outfit on VS's website later today and post it here. I just didn't want to make this post NSFW and ruin my streak of 0 NSFW posts.
Submitted by jgreening (user info) at 2005-02-15 09:42:27 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I hate you...
Pictures, maybe?
Kiding.
But I love that billboard, it's funny as fuck, because I have a friend... Shut up, it's not me... Who had his woman give him that request a few years ago.
He stuck with the porn.
She's now dating some Super-Christian guy.
But she was hooooooooooooooooooooot...
Submitted by Jeanneee (user info) at 2005-02-15 09:41:40 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Yay for sex!
Submitted by hairycoo (user info) at 2005-02-15 09:41:06 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
I stopped here "My wife...."
Heres 1 anyway
Submitted by Pentameter (user info) at 2005-02-15 09:39:43 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
3 - number of times I ate her pussy
1 - number of times she orgasmed
Sounds like you need to learn how to kiss the "little lady" a little better. You'd be no husband of mine, dammit!
Regardless, +2 because you're a nice guy and you made me chuckle a few times.
Submitted by Caulaincourt (user info) at 2005-02-15 09:38:57 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
these numbers are similar to mines. except that it was my ex.
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2005-02-15 09:38:44 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
You're the man!
That stuff is impossible when you have kids in the house.
Submitted by xenon (user info) at 2005-02-15 09:33:42 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2005-02-15 09:32:54 (#)
Ranking: 1
I did have the 2 orgasms because I jacked off.
---------------------
Sex with someone you love
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2005-02-15 09:32:54 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
I got everything you got...except for the 4 bj's, the 3 pussy licks, the 3 massages, and the 2 times we had sex.
I did have the 2 orgasms because I jacked off.
But it was still a great day.
Submitted by Teephphah (user info) at 2005-02-15 09:27:47 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Your Valentines Day beat the ever living piss out of mine.
All the same, thanks for the opportunity to live vicariously through you.