Things I can't do when my female roomate is around (909 hits)
Category: GeneralRating: 1.58 on 27 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by hungovermondays (View user info) at 2005-02-15 10:58:45 EST
Having just left a longterm relationship in which I lived with a girlfriend for 4+ years, I really thought I had mastered co-habitating with a female. Well, maybe no man truly masters this.
Well I moved in with a friend and a couple female roomies, and thought...Great, maybe I can have sex with them, and they might clean too. Boy was I wrong, not only do they not clean, but you can't charm the ladies when you are a shell of a man.
Firstly, I can't shit when Kitty is in the house, maybe it's because the walls are so thin you can hear a fly buzzing upstairs, or maybe I'm crazy. Yesterday the coast was clear, I made it into the bathroom and start my buisness. Kitty walks in the front door and I find myself paralyzed with fear. I actually started unrolling the toliet paper reaallly slow, so she wouldn't hear the sound all T.P dispensers make. Then I had to take a shower even though I had already taken one that day.
2-Be in the kitchen when she is preparing food. I don't know where the fuck all her food goes, but when it dissapears, she always phrases the "I can't find my left over canned pineapple" in an accusatory way. LISTEN BITCH! I wouldn't lower myself to eat canned fruit in the first place, nevermind your shitty left overs.
3-Sleep past 9am, I close a resturant, I don't get out of work until 12pm or later. I don't go to sleep until 2am. She starts dropping pans about 8:30am
4-drink beer and do rails of coke at 2 pm while trying to convince underage girls to suck off the adolecent panda bear I smuggled from china while in the living room.
5-Hump the sofa.
6-write good posts
User Reviews
Submitted by Adjomak (user info) at 2005-02-15 21:32:58 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by thorpe (user info) at 2005-02-15 21:16:07 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by munkeypants (user info) at 2005-02-15 13:24:31 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Adamdidit2u (user info) at 2005-02-15 11:13:09 (#)
Ranking: 2
R-O-O-F-I-E-S
Submitted by Dead_0hi0_Sky (user info) at 2005-02-15 13:14:22 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
3-Sleep past 9am, I close a resturant, I don't get out of work until 12pm or later. I don't go to sleep until 2am. She starts dropping pans about 8:30am
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same fucking here.
Submitted by c1ndy (user info) at 2005-02-15 13:07:24 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by wanderingsharps (user info) at 2005-02-15 12:56:49 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
dammit man,
it's good to see you are back in buisness.
this is a great post.
you forgot to mention how her room is right behind the couch,
and how she leaves the door open so you get the feeling of eyes drilling throught
your skull.
+4 for the post
-2 cause I'm pissed that this is so good.
have I said I liked this yet?
Submitted by Teephphah (user info) at 2005-02-15 12:07:34 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I've lived this horror story and you have my undying sympathy. +2 for solidarity.
Odd side note: at the time I write this review, this post has 9 hits and 20 reviews (this will be 21). Weird.
Submitted by TigerLilly (user info) at 2005-02-15 11:49:08 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Good post but get a new roomate. She sounds awful.
Submitted by pen_name (user info) at 2005-02-15 11:46:10 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by Chinaski (user info) at 2005-02-15 11:40:36 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
hahaha, good post.
Submitted by Merlina (user info) at 2005-02-15 11:39:03 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by hairycoo (user info) at 2005-02-15 11:33:56 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
been there - as soon as you get your mojo back your be hosting coke fuelled orgies with them and their mates.... all you need to do is go easy on the porn/wanking/weed and it will come.
Submitted by DeathJester (user info) at 2005-02-15 11:30:47 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
How the fuck do you hump the sofa? It has no hole to put it in...!
Submitted by RamJetMax (user info) at 2005-02-15 11:30:29 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
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Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2005-02-15 11:21:14 (#)
Ranking: 1
I gotta give you a +1 for the "write good posts" line.
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Submitted by BobLobla (user info) at 2005-02-15 11:26:49 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Adamdidit2u (user info) at 2005-02-15 11:13:09 (#)
Ranking: 2
R-O-O-F-I-E-S
AHAHAHAHAHAHA
Submitted by mrwolf (user info) at 2005-02-15 11:24:24 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Know this feeling all over
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2005-02-15 11:21:14 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
I gotta give you a +1 for the "write good posts" line.
Submitted by hungovermondays (user info) at 2005-02-15 11:19:37 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
I can't handle the other one either. She is overweight, and we have a date to make some pbcup smores in the near future. AHHHHHH! Its not a fucking smore if it has a reeces pb cup in it.....and thats fucking gross.
Submitted by cheruboo (user info) at 2005-02-15 11:18:58 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by SiskelandFatboy (user info) at 2005-02-15 11:15:56 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Great, maybe I can have sex with them, and they might clean too. Boy was I wrong,
Great line!
Submitted by nrduncan (user info) at 2005-02-15 11:15:42 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by Adamdidit2u (user info) at 2005-02-15 11:13:09 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
R-O-O-F-I-E-S
Submitted by Sassmasterr (user info) at 2005-02-15 11:12:19 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
tonight, i will hump my sofa twice as hard (in honor of my fallen brothers)
Submitted by wtf_is_going_on (user info) at 2005-02-15 11:07:09 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Well, for one thing, they wouldn't have sex with you if you lived
with them. They might if they were REALLY drunk though.
Secondly, if you gotta go, you gotta go. You can't help it.
Just don't be disgusting and make weird noises.
Thirdly, tell her to eat out when breakfast comes around so you can sleep.
It's the least she can do.
Next, just do what you wanna. If you wanna hump the sofa, just do it.
Who gives a shit!
Submitted by AwesomeJohnson (user info) at 2005-02-15 11:07:09 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
5-Hump the sofa.
awesome.
Submitted by Jeanneee (user info) at 2005-02-15 11:06:16 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
HA! Don't be a pussy, it's just a woman. You need to let that bitch know who the boss is (that would be YOU, pussy).
Sorry for calling you a pussy.
Submitted by EAZEDZT (user info) at 2005-02-15 11:03:18 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
I liked it