Episode 2: “My Valentine” (1171 hits)
Category: NoneRating: -0.24 on 20 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by The Chronicles of College-Guy, Semester 2 (View user info) at 2005-02-15 11:29:36 EST
*THE CHRONICLES OF COLLEGE-GUY*
Semester 2, Episode 2: "My Valentine"
February 14, 2005
SEMESTER TWO WARNING: I ain't fuckin' playin' around with any jerkoff pleasure police this semester. Envelopes will be pushed and if you can't fuckin' handle, don't read. These stories are for sociopaths only. All others can fuck off.
So I am driving around with a considerable pile of Sam juice in my lap—I have just banged one out, thinking about pumping my steel cock up my mom's ass while "Nasty Girl" was playin' on the radio. With nothing in my car to wipe up my chowder with, I decide that the only thing to do is drive through Wendy's and get a napkin...or actually a few, because, again, there is really a lot of cum on my lap.
It's about 11pm and I go through the Wendy's drive through with a big smile on my face, ready to say hello to the cheery third-shift Wendy's employees.
"Hello, may I take your order?" the box asks.
"Yeah, a Number One with a chocolate shake."
"..."
Come on, fucker, I'm stainin' my denim here.
"Could you repeat that?"
Mother fucker, you cock-sucking asshole.
"Yeah," I smile wider. "A Number One with a chocolate shake, please."
"...With what to drink?"
"A chocolate shake."
"Please drive up."
Now, you may wonder why I told you this little conversation. There's a reason. When I drove up to the second window after paying, the woman did not give me a Number One with a chocolate shake; she gave me a Number One with a cup with floating ice in it.
"Excuse me," I said to the woman. "There seems to be a mistake. I wanted a chocolate shake."
"A chocolate shake?" the curly-haired woman asks. "The screen here says an ice tea."
So the fuckin' bitch takes the glass back and then goes where I can't see her. She comes back soon and hands me a cup. I drive on towards home. So I've cleaned up my lap and am on the highway again. I pop a fry in my mouth.
I take a sip of my shake. It's thick. Damn thick...Mother fucker!
In my hands isn't a thick milkshake. It's ice cream. It's chocolate ice cream. The curly-haired woman! That bitch! DAMN HER!
...
The curly-haired woman leaves work at 1am.
...
The curly-haired woman lives at 884 Sycamore.
...
The curly-haired woman has a little girl named Angie. When I show her my kittens—actually they belong to this chick I've been seeing—Angie is sad to hear that there's one missing.
"They come when they hear each other," I tell Angie. "They just have to hear their brother's or sister's voice and they'll come running. I know that I could find the lost one if I just had someone to watch my kittens with me. I need someone to make sure that no one else runs away while I'm looking for the lost one...Hey, I'll bet your teacher would give you the day off and extra points if I told her that you helped me find a kitten. Why, sure! They actually let my sister do that once a few years ago. Yeah, everyone was so proud of her; she even got a heroism award and everything. What do you say, Angie? Do you wanna be a hero for me?"
Angie nods her precious little face. She's full of joy over the idea.
She wants to ride in the back with the basket of kittens, but I want her up front with me. I put a kitten in Angie's lap and we pet it together.
...
I park in the woods.
"He's lost somewhere out here," I say. "I know it."
"Well," Angie says, opening her precious eyes wider. "We better find him."
Oh, we're gonna find somethin', sweetheart.
"Angie," I say, grabbing her hand abruptly. "Do you like me?"
The little girl is confused and doesn't know what to say.
"I like you, Angie. I'd like you to be my Valentine."
Angie's lip is quivering and her face is a bright red. I think she has a little girl's crush on me, or at least some curiosity.
"I want to kiss you," I say.
With that, I lean in to the little girl and put my tongue into her small mouth.
...
"You can touch him. It's okay. Look, he's standing up. That means that he likes you. Give him a kiss. Wow, he really likes you! Angie, do you know what Magic-Juice is?"
...
"Listen, can you promise to keep this a secret for me?"
She nods, but it doesn't matter. I crack my crowbar across the front of Angie's skull. Her holes are small and she is in great pain when I rip into them. She chokes to death on my purple warrior.
...
The curly-haired woman will never get my order wrong again.
User Reviews
Submitted by mybrainisawaffle (user info) at 2005-04-11 18:24:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Gold star.
....You sick bastard.
Submitted by Auron (user info) at 2005-02-17 08:27:48 EST (#)
Ranking: -1
Whats going on?
Are you sure this is the original author?
I dont think it is.
Anal
Submitted by dudaculb (user info) at 2005-02-16 21:47:30 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
allright
Submitted by Adona (user info) at 2005-02-16 17:41:38 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
+ A billion
Submitted by mikethescottish (user info) at 2005-02-16 17:25:44 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2005-02-15 15:35:14 (#)
Ranking: -2
Submitted by mikethescottish (user info) at 2005-02-15 12:40:59 (#)
Ranking: -2
Pushing envelopes is one thing. Posting shit is another.
__
I'd like to push you down a staircase. For real.
Now THAT would make a good post.
------
AHAHAHAHA!
+2 for that reply.
Submitted by tinactin (user info) at 2005-02-15 16:39:01 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Because I like chocolate ice cream.
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2005-02-15 15:35:14 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Submitted by mikethescottish (user info) at 2005-02-15 12:40:59 (#)
Ranking: -2
Pushing envelopes is one thing. Posting shit is another.
__
I'd like to push you down a staircase. For real.
Now THAT would make a good post.
Submitted by darko (user info) at 2005-02-15 13:42:03 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
You are either mailing it in or you gave someone else your password and they are posting this shit. Go back to the way you were writing before, content doesn't matter so long as it is delivered solidly. Right here it feels like you're trying to hard to be a sociopath.
Submitted by WildcatMcGee (user info) at 2005-02-15 13:19:16 EST (#)
Ranking: -1
As you may already know, your content is becoming repetitive.
You portray a crazy facade, again.
You articulate an act of rape and "sociopathic" vengeance, again.
You utilize another character having mental issues and acting out violently when his orders are not followed, again.
Your character is once more condescending, hooray.
Try something new for once. Well, atleast something a little more original. Your other series was decent, this is shit.
Submitted by WhatTheHell (user info) at 2005-02-15 12:48:15 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Dude, did you go out and get a lobotomy or something... this was utter shit.
Sorry, but there just wasn't the slightest thing good about this story... here's to hoping it gets better?
Submitted by mikethescottish (user info) at 2005-02-15 12:40:59 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Pushing envelopes is one thing. Posting shit is another.
Submitted by Holz (user info) at 2005-02-15 12:24:37 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
No Comment
Submitted by zakalwe (user info) at 2005-02-15 12:11:34 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
No Comment
Submitted by Professional_Peon (user info) at 2005-02-15 12:03:32 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
You should have let her live so she could tell the story to her mommy while drinking your frosty.
Submitted by Adamdidit2u (user info) at 2005-02-15 11:38:43 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Should have left well enough alone
Submitted by Chinaski (user info) at 2005-02-15 11:37:45 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
ummmmmmm... is this sam's cousin?
Submitted by pen_name (user info) at 2005-02-15 11:36:57 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Jeanneee (user info) at 2005-02-15 11:35:08 (#)
Ranking: 2
Holy mother of fuck that's disturbing.
Submitted by Jeanneee (user info) at 2005-02-15 11:35:08 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Holy mother of fuck that's disturbing.
Submitted by DeathJester (user info) at 2005-02-15 11:34:40 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Dude...
So wrong!
Submitted by Vomit (user info) at 2005-02-15 11:32:07 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Just die already.