An Idiot's Guide to Skiing (816 hits)
Category: HumorRating: 1.66 on 20 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Huber the Nose<paulh82.at.bluewin.ch> (View user info) at 2005-02-15 12:42:56 EST
Switzerland. A great place to live. Always something to do, always somewhere to go. IF you ski that is.
Being an avid non-skier, living in Switzerland can be pretty boring sometimes. All that is left to do here is drink, smoke, drink and smoke, and go clubbing. (Mind you I do a lot less of the latter)
So anyway, this last weekend I figured hell, I'll give it a shot. But fuck skiing. That's a grandma sport. I'll try snowboarding. Now there's something cool. If some of my friends can snowboard, I can too. How hard can it be, right? Fuck if I know, I STILL have never been. Here's what happened.
I get to Leysin (pretty famous for snowboarding apparently) saturday morning and meet my friend there. She goes to an American boarding/high school located there. So we go back to her dorm to change and everything, and me being a guy am ready in like 5 minutes. After nearly an HOUR of waiting for her and her friends, we head on out to the pro shop, or whatever the fuck the proper ski terminology is.
So i get there at about 12:30. CLOSED. From fucking 12 till 2. Great. Ok. I guess there is no other choice but to go to the other shop, where the prices are nearly twice as much, but hey, at least its OPEN right? So we get to the next shop, and its filled to the brim with japanese tourists. Japanese tourists who can't even put thier ski boots on properly. „ITS A FUCKING BOOT YOU DUMB JAPS" I think to myself while scowling at them. The store had only one guy working there as well, and he was having a hard time trying to show all the japs how to put on shoes.
„Fuck this." I say looking at my friend. She looks at me with a bit of a sad look on her face (she was obviously looking forward to watching me fall on my ass for 4 hours), but knowingly agrees it would take hours to get some service here.
„Maybe you can borrow someones board up the mountain" she suggests. Maybe indeed.
So finally we head up the mountain on the telecabine or whatever the fuck its called. When we get to the top, I decide I'll ride the ski lift down the other side, and meet my friend at the bottom. After asking the ski lift operator if it was alright, I stood were he showed me and sat down on the lift as it came around.
I've never been skiing or on a ski lift before. My first thoughts are „Damn....it'd be pretty fucking easy to fall out of this sumumabitch." Leaning back as much as I could, I look around and try to enjoy the view, while trying to not picture me as a splattered, bloody corpse on on the snowy rocks below. After about 30-45 seconds, some people taking the lift up start yelling at me (in french). „Yea motherfuckers, I know I'm riding the lift down, I dont have a snowboard. Kiss my ass, assholes", I think to myself while looking over at the jerks going the other way. So this keeps up almost the whole way down. I mean these fuckers wouldn't leave me alone (I was the only one riding the lift down).
So I'm almost near the bottom and some instructor looking guy starts yelling at me from the ground. I'm about 8-10 feet (roughly 3-4 meters) still off the ground, and this asshole is making a motion downward with his arm like he wants me to jump out. „Is this asshole serious?", I think. So he keeps yelling, and I'm seriously thinking about jumping out of the lift, but then I decide „Fuck you guy, Ill wait till im at the bottom and THEN jump off."
Finally at the bottom I jump off and out of the way as the lift makes its was around to go back up the mountain. The instructor guy comes over and starts yelling at me in french.
Instructor: „french french french"
Me: „Yes."
Instructor: „more french french french"
Me: „........I can't understand you."
Instructor: „Ah, you must use the saftey bar on the ski lift. If you fall, I am responsible."
Me: „There's a SAFETY bar?!?!"
Instructor „............"
So I finally knew why all those assholes were yelling at me, and why I thought it would be easy to fall out and die. There's a fucking safety bar you're supposed to pull down.
So, I didnt go snowboarding, but I had a good time on the mountain anyway. It was Australian day or some shit on the mountain, and there was a Foster's tent with wicker cowboy hats for all. Of course, the first beer I bought froze in ten fucking minutes. After that I was a little quicker disposing of them.
And also, as a discredit to the Swiss; They fucking put a BEER TENT on the mountain......and no bathrooms. I had to ride the lift all the way up when I had to piss......but at least I used the safety bar this time.
User Reviews
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2005-02-16 07:13:23 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Teephphah (user info) at 2005-02-15 14:58:08 (#)
Ranking: 2
You got off easy. My first day snowboarding was the most savage beating I have ever taken in my life. Still, well worth the effort though. Especially when there are beer tents involved"""
Can't wait!
Submitted by williamson (user info) at 2005-02-16 06:59:57 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I had a fosters once. I feel ashamed that shit represents Australian beer. We don't drink it here, downunder. It's just an export drink.
Anyway, good story.
Have a +2 my friend
Submitted by Huber_the_Nose (user info) at 2005-02-16 06:30:52 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Do they seriously not have safety bars? Damn, I would think in the states they would have like two safety bars or some shit. Unless they have a sign that says "Ride at your own risk" or something to prevent lawsuits.
Submitted by screamfeeder (user info) at 2005-02-15 20:42:09 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by bravo_foxtrot (user info) at 2005-02-15 20:09:43 (#)
Ranking: 2
Monarch is a 'tard. Every friggin ski hill in the US that has a chair lift has safety bars on the seats, it's a liablility thing. Imagine how much more insurance would be for a resort if they didn't provide safety bars.
---------------------------
Really?
Take a guess where I work and live. Just guess.
Ok now would you like to re-state your above statement?
Submitted by screamfeeder (user info) at 2005-02-15 20:29:27 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
"But fuck skiing. That's a grandma sport"
Good story but I must take offence to this statement.
Skiing takes YEARS to master.
I could snowboard as well as any other after 2 seasons.
and then there is this..
http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v252/Screamfeeder/gogogoodteam.jpg
Submitted by bravo_foxtrot (user info) at 2005-02-15 20:09:43 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Monarch is a 'tard. Every friggin ski hill in the US that has a chair lift has safety bars on the seats, it's a liablility thing. Imagine how much more insurance would be for a resort if they didn't provide safety bars.
Submitted by Hairsphincter (user info) at 2005-02-15 15:06:01 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
How „Euro".
Submitted by Teephphah (user info) at 2005-02-15 14:58:08 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
You got off easy. My first day snowboarding was the most savage beating I have ever taken in my life. Still, well worth the effort though. Especially when there are beer tents involved.
Submitted by bossk (user info) at 2005-02-15 13:25:15 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Submitted by Monarch (user info) at 2005-02-15 12:54:41 (#)
Ranking: 2
Fuck that man, we don't have no safety bars here in the good ol' USA.
If you fall off, you deserve to fucking die!
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See, in Europe, they provide the safety bar out of a sense of civic responsibility. In America, this will happen when somebody's precious 5-year-old falls off and they sue the living shit out of the ski run.
Money is the prime motivator - otherwise, you take personal responsibility for your own shit!
Submitted by Huber_the_Nose (user info) at 2005-02-15 13:12:41 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
yea, after living in the Chicago area for ten years, I kinda built up a dislike for snow and snow sports, but snowboarding is actually pretty fun.
Submitted by Jeanneee (user info) at 2005-02-15 13:08:34 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Smooth move Ex-Lax
Submitted by TigerLilly (user info) at 2005-02-15 13:08:19 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2005-02-15 12:55:52 (#)
Ranking: 2
Skiing rules.
----
Ditto!
Submitted by loki (user info) at 2005-02-15 13:05:14 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm going skiing this weekend woot.
Submitted by standardeviant (user info) at 2005-02-15 12:58:21 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
For my stupity.
Submitted by standardeviant (user info) at 2005-02-15 12:57:46 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Sorry I forgot the +2.
Submitted by standardeviant (user info) at 2005-02-15 12:57:11 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
If you are that bored in swizzzaaaland, you can drive 4 hours and visit me in Frankfurt. RED LIGHT BABY!!!
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2005-02-15 12:55:52 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Skiing rules.
As a life long snow hater and golfer, I was under the impression that skiing, and skiers, sucked.
I was wrong. Now that I moved out of a 'snow belt' (Upstate NY), I take at least one skiing vaca a year. Just came back from Breckenridge and skiing is the nuts.
Submitted by Monarch (user info) at 2005-02-15 12:54:41 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Fuck that man, we don't have no safety bars here in the good ol' USA.
If you fall off, you deserve to fucking die!
Submitted by Sassmasterr (user info) at 2005-02-15 12:49:55 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
beer tent...on the slopes? i'm picturing a bunch of drunkies skiing/snowboarding down the mountain. HA!
Submitted by hungovermondays (user info) at 2005-02-15 12:45:28 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
what about drinking and driving?