Interupt Humping Pigs at Your Own Peril (23654 hits)
Category: HumorRating: 1.93 on 71 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Saxon (View user info) at 2005-02-15 17:13:17 EST
City folk are funny when they visit farms; more often then not they outwardly show a general interest in their surroundings with an underlying fear as they are given a tour around the farm. The ones I love are the people that strut around a farm giving an impression they know all there is and show no fear of animals what so ever. They are easy to recognise, they will point at a chicken and say "that's a chicken" it never ceases to amaze me how they knew that when the chicken still has its head, feet and feathers and isn't frozen. Ok im exaggerating but you know what I mean.
I grew up on a farm my parents and brothers still run, we ran a few head of cattle and sometimes sheep and of course kept horses although motor bikes are used more then horses these days. My father always kept a couple of pigs he raised for Christmas and other family occasions, we never bought meat we slaughtered our own and raised different animals for this purpose including chickens and even the occasional goat.
My mother loved geese so she kept a small compound with geese and a couple of turkeys at my father's insistence. Turkeys will chase you and because of their size can look threatening but they're all show and bluster; geese on the other hand will attack and will bite especially large males. We also had an old bull that lived in the house yard away from the other bulls. He was old and very friendly and my father liked him and used to have many drunken conversations with old Angus much to us kids amusement. His other purpose was to keep the grass down so we didn't have to mow as often.
We had a second aunt on my father's side who came to Australia from London for a wedding and wanted to come visit us before going back to the UK. She was in her 50's id guess and was very opinionated. At dinner that night my father tried explaining the does and don'ts on a farm to which she exclaimed in her very upper class English accent "oh please, I have relatives I visit regularly that have a horse stud".
"I am very versed in farm life" she went on with. What we forgot to tell her was one of the turkeys liked to sleep on the roof of the house and come morning at sunrise he would run along the roof to get a good speed up to launch itself off the end and flutter to the ground. Domestic turkeys can't fly but can flap themselves down off a high perch and because our roof was corrugated iron you could imagine the noise. My father liked to call it the family alarm clock.
Well come 4.30 the next morning I woke to the thunderous turkey take off we were so used too. He must have got half way down the length of the roof when Aunt Clarice went careening down the hall screaming "get your guns were being attacked" I giggled a little and slipped into the toilet to pee. When I came out there was a hell of a commotion outside so I went to take a look and found Aunt Clarice with a spade in her hand standing over a dead turkey. She beat the damn thing to death with it. She said the blighter ran at her and she grabbed the spade that was leaning up against the back landing.
"Well looks like turkey for dinner tonight" my father said as he picked up the bleeding and broken body on the ground. Inwardly I was going "yesssssssss good show old bean" outwardly I was trying to hide my glee. Well we kids went off to school and left our parents with Aunt Clarice. Upon getting home my father told me to feed the pigs and check the water in the poultry pens. 'Ill come with you boy, I need a stroll" said Aunt Clarice. I grabbed the pig slop bucket full of oatmeal and vegetable scraps and headed to the backyard. "Whats that god awful smell" said Clarice. "It's the sty," I said "its not real pretty you might want to wait here" "don't be silly boy it wont kill me" she blurted out. Opening the gate into the back paddock I noticed Aunt Clarice reach between the back legs of old Angus who happened to be standing by the gate and cupping his balls she lifted them like she was weighing them.
I must have had a questioning look on my face because she said, "your father taught me how to check milk content on the cows". How I didn't burst out laughing I will never know but I wanted to say "that's freaking funny old lady the milk in that sack isn't fit for your coffee" but I smiled and said "oh yeh".
We got to the pig sty and I heard Clarice cough so I turned and witnessed her face an incredible shade of blue, holding a hanky to her face she stammered "oh mother of god that stench is unbearable" "you should go back to the gate" I said "ill be with you in a minute" "no no ill be fine ive smelled worse aromas boy" she answered. She followed me to the sty the blue of her face getting darker by the minute.
I upended the bucket in the trough and the female pig put her head in it immediately and the old boar quickly mounted her as she ate, his hips humping furiously. "GOOD LORD" screamed Aunt Clarice. She put her hands over my eyes and said "that's disgusting and not fit for a boy your age to witness," "he likes a quick mating before eating," I said "he does it all the time" "not in my presence" she answered.
Entering the pen she moved toward the mating pigs going "shoo shoo you disgusting beast get off her". If this wasn't such a serious situation I would have pissed myself laughing but interrupting a copulating large male pig mid coitus was not a good idea. Of course the boar didn't miss a beat just looked toward Aunt Clarice as he kept humping getting close to "Yehhhhhhhh Babyyyyy" stroke.
Then the strangest thing happened, the amorous boar slid off the female and headed right for Aunt Clarice. I yelled a panicked "get the fuck out of there" Clarice must have realised her predicament changed from coitus interrupter to coitus objective. She turned very quickly for a large proportioned woman but didn't negotiate the muddy floor very well.
She hit the ground flat on her face with her knees pulled up leaving her butt sticking up in the air, which the boar quickly mounted. All I could manage in my panic was to scream "Holy Fucking Shit. Every time Clarice got her face raised it was pushed back into the mud by the forward thrusting boar. He wasn't getting his porky penis inside a warm fleshy sheath and this seemed to anger him and make him thrust harder.
With a mighty heave Clarice half got to her knees and pushed with all her might. She got to her feet as her dress tore from her body; the fabric caught up in the boars hooves. Aunt Clarice covered in mud wearing only her underwear and galoshes ran screaming from the pen toward the gate.
I was dumb struck and could only stand and watch as she startled the geese passing them screaming like she was. The large male quickly pursued Clarice grabbing the back of her underpants with his beak pulling them down exposing her chubby dimply butt cheeks. Old Angus the bull joined the runaway freight train probably wanting his balls held again. Clarice stepped out of her underwear to rid herself of the male goose not missing a step and made her way toward the house with Angus in hot pursuit.
Aunt Clarice didn't say much after that episode and left soon after. She never did visit us again but her visit will be remembered in our family for a long time to come.
User Reviews
Submitted by drgoatcabin (user info) at 2006-12-22 16:45:45 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
This was pure gold. High five on the B@W!
Submitted by Amontillado (user info) at 2006-12-22 16:19:17 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by dexpaxas (user info) at 2006-12-22 15:50:47 (#)
Ranking: 2
I've been chased by turkeys. They haunt my dreams.
------
I chase the wild turkeys around my school.
Submitted by dexpaxas (user info) at 2006-12-22 15:50:47 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I've been chased by turkeys. They haunt my dreams.
Submitted by georgemichael (user info) at 2006-06-01 03:51:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by BranDo (user info) at 2006-02-27 07:22:49 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Super story giving new meaning to Down Under!!
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2006-02-27 07:12:37 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Porcine Love.
Submitted by nightshade (user info) at 2006-02-27 06:44:09 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
My god who didn't vote +2
Submitted by deepmichael (user info) at 2006-02-22 14:09:38 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
congrads on B@W
very cool post
Submitted by munkeypants (user info) at 2005-04-14 10:32:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
B@W!!!!
Congrats you sexy beast!
Submitted by Falco (user info) at 2005-04-08 23:26:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Australia is the west island
pigs are the sheep of dreams
Submitted by canadia (user info) at 2005-04-08 23:19:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
OMG!! You made me pee a little!
Submitted by DirtyHarry (user info) at 2005-04-04 20:14:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Dude! That was freaking HILARIOUS!!! Its been a long time since I laughed that hard! AWESOME1
Submitted by nrduncan (user info) at 2005-03-11 16:43:44 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Awesome!
Submitted by SoullessSaviour (user info) at 2005-03-07 15:00:17 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Beautiful!
Submitted by creep_firebombing (user info) at 2005-02-26 08:04:46 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Fuck yeah, WOO!
Submitted by the_lone_stranger (user info) at 2005-02-23 12:07:35 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
That bitch got her comeuppance.
Submitted by Girlwithaclue (user info) at 2005-02-22 17:42:18 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
That was fucking priceless. Holy shit I laughed my ass off. My coworkers think I am nuts now.
Submitted by TigerLilly (user info) at 2005-02-22 17:29:04 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Whoo hoooo B@W.
Congrats Saxon!
Submitted by TheSunGod (user info) at 2005-02-22 17:27:29 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
<ejaculates. twice.>
Submitted by fieldsr (user info) at 2005-02-22 17:20:05 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Pretty funny, but sweet Jesus! Work on grammar
Submitted by youarsoghey (user info) at 2005-02-22 16:20:29 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Very fucking funny.
Submitted by geeohcities (user info) at 2005-02-22 15:55:42 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Funny.
I imagine that was quite arousing if you're into bestiality.
Submitted by Pentameter (user info) at 2005-02-22 12:17:05 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
A post of yours that I missed?
At least it was easy for me to find.
Congrats on B@W!
Submitted by GodLovesALittleLovin (user info) at 2005-02-22 11:35:17 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
B@W baby. Well done you funny bastard.
Submitted by Creepy_guy (user info) at 2005-02-22 01:19:55 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Living on a farm is fucking sweet. I'll be up bright and early at 4:15 tomorrow morning, but will I complain? You're damn right I will!
Submitted by r1nce (user info) at 2005-02-22 00:48:54 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Brilliant!
Submitted by Quasiplasmohedron (user info) at 2005-02-21 23:49:08 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Shenanigans.
Submitted by MandaPanda (user info) at 2005-02-21 23:14:30 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
You sexy beast you.
Your power now is overwhelming.
Submitted by Ed_0150 (user info) at 2005-02-21 22:57:18 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by SPECIALk (user info) at 2005-02-21 20:04:13 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by munkeypants (user info) at 2005-02-21 19:53:38 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
B@W
Submitted by mles76 (user info) at 2005-02-21 19:28:44 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
ha
Submitted by matnotharry (user info) at 2005-02-21 19:04:56 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
top stuff
Submitted by potatomanjack (user info) at 2005-02-21 14:52:27 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
A couple steps differently taken by Clarice, and this would be on "www.barnyardbeauties.com".
Submitted by RamJetMax (user info) at 2005-02-21 12:56:45 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Awesome.
Submitted by StonedSilly (user info) at 2005-02-21 10:58:17 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
everybody back upstairs.
Submitted by Unabonger (user info) at 2005-02-21 10:38:29 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Jay_Bassman (user info) at 2005-02-21 10:35:56 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Funniest thing I've read in a while, Saxon. Pure GOLD.
Submitted by no_i_dont_wanna_watch_u_wank (user info) at 2005-02-21 10:26:10 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by Spooner (user info) at 2005-02-21 10:16:49 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
bestiality is ALWAYS funny. You'll never prove it otherwise.
Submitted by Adona (user info) at 2005-02-17 20:16:55 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Plus a trillion.
Submitted by EPatrick (user info) at 2005-02-17 19:56:48 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I grew up on a farm, my ma beat a turkey with a shovel once. It was me sisters fault, damn thing isn't a cuddle bear.
Submitted by Professional_Peon (user info) at 2005-02-16 15:11:00 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Davros (user info) at 2005-02-16 14:48:54 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Good work Saxon.
-Dave
Submitted by lizzard (user info) at 2005-02-16 10:40:42 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2005-02-16 09:42:08 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
fucking english pricks
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2005-02-16 09:25:20 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
GOLD
Submitted by Wazza (user info) at 2005-02-16 04:30:33 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Great stuff old chap, truly well written> and tell that fucker with the "comma problem" he will be next for the Boar.!
Submitted by kaos-king (user info) at 2005-02-16 04:16:39 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Joemama (user info) at 2005-02-16 02:48:34 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Outstanding!
Submitted by Danger_Ranger (user info) at 2005-02-16 02:27:13 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Funny as shit Saxon, funny as shit.
Submitted by Shizae (user info) at 2005-02-16 01:07:00 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Dead_0hi0_Sky (user info) at 2005-02-15 21:18:05 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
B@W
Submitted by DonkeyOnTheEdge (user info) at 2005-02-15 21:05:34 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
B@W
Submitted by QueenSkye (user info) at 2005-02-15 20:26:13 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
even funnier because I've seen simmilar things happen to my cousins...
Submitted by Degreeless_Capibara (user info) at 2005-02-15 19:45:56 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
B@W
Submitted by screamfeeder (user info) at 2005-02-15 19:40:16 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Pigs are fucking scary.
Submitted by algermetiphist (user info) at 2005-02-15 19:16:21 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No comment.
Submitted by Adjomak (user info) at 2005-02-15 18:43:48 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
AHAHAHAHA. Dear god, that's beautiful. Please B@W
Submitted by TigerLilly (user info) at 2005-02-15 18:42:10 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Nasty and hilarious all at once.
Poor, Aunt Clarice.
Submitted by NocternalDragon (user info) at 2005-02-15 17:58:35 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Almost ok its funnier then the bad ass aussy cow story and i dident think that was possible. GOOD JOB!!!! pics would of been nice :P
Submitted by partisan (user info) at 2005-02-15 17:52:26 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Wow, apparently a posh english accent involves a severe lack of punctuation. Well, It looks like Aunt Clarice's accent slipped a little on two occasions (two commas somehow found their way in there).
Great story.
Submitted by consuelo212 (user info) at 2005-02-15 17:47:51 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
+2+2+2+2+2+2+2+2+2+2+2+2+2+2+2+2+2+2+2+2+2+2+2+2+2+2+2+2+2+2+2+2+2+2+2+2+2+2+2+2
Submitted by Caulaincourt (user info) at 2005-02-15 17:44:22 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by badassmofo (user info) at 2005-02-15 17:43:51 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Aunt Clarice = PWNED
Submitted by AshK (user info) at 2005-02-15 17:35:59 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Hoooooooollllleeeeeeeeeshiiiiiiiiiiitttttttttt.
That made me pee just a little.
Submitted by Kamargo (user info) at 2005-02-15 17:35:16 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Dude, this seriously made me laugh
Submitted by Holz (user info) at 2005-02-15 17:32:33 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
ahahahahahahahahahahahhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Submitted by Kazzerax (user info) at 2005-02-15 17:26:32 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
GAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH.......BWHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
re-read.....GAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAH...<piss>....you douche
Submitted by strider (user info) at 2005-02-15 17:24:05 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
fantastico!
Submitted by SPG (user info) at 2005-02-15 17:18:27 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
that...that's precious. you make me smile.