Trouble with Dracula (905 hits)
Category: RomanceRating: 1.95 on 22 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Grin (View user info) at 2005-02-15 19:28:09 EST
For those of you who don't know, I call my little guy Dracula. Why? Well they both like dark places, they both enjoy a good suck, and they both are very hard to kill...sometimes at the worst possible times.
High School.
During English class, I had an assingment handed back to me in which I'd written an introduction for an essay on Hamlet. Something to do with making your own decisions, but that's really not important to the story. Well as one student was passing out our graded papers, my mind began to wander, and I thought of the girl that sat next to me in biology. Short, dirt blonde hair, cute little glasses, great body,...and that ass!!!!
SPROING!
I live again!
Oh Hell.
Dracula, what are you doing here?
*I can never die, foolish mortal! Now, let us make haste to Wendy and give her my demon seed!*
I can't do that! I'm in class! Oh God, think unsexy thoughts. Think unsexy thoughts! Pencil, phonebook, can opener, pussy cats (Oh, shit!),tire iron, K.D. Lang...
Cue the teacher. "Josh, your work as so good, would you like to read it to the class?"
Oh Jesus, stall for time!
*Yes! Stand before the class and reveal me to all the mortal women...especialy that Portugese chick in the back, she's smokin'!*
Will you shut up? Oh Man...stall...Stall!
"Um...you mean outloud?"
"Well of course!"
Regis Philbin, Michael J Fox, South Park...I begin to read from my desk.
"No no, in front of the class, please."
CAPTAIN KIRK! SPIDER-MAN! ROSIE O'DONNELL!
*Rosie O'Donnell? Noooooo! I shall return!*
*Phew*
The Bus Stop.
In high school, I had to wait at the bus stop with a very attractive young woman. I do not recall her name, nor did I ever get the courage to approach her. But one January morning, as I was checking out that cute, curvy, heart shapped butt of hers...
BOING!
*I have returned!*
The Hell? How can you survive out here? It must be forty below!
*Dracula can never be destroyed, foolish mortal! If you want heat, I say we plunge our wooden stake into her and offer her something hot and steamy!*
No way I'm getting my freak on in the snow! Not even you could endure that...Oh God, here comes the bus!
*Yes! She's turning! Amazing how that winter coat still shows off every curve, no?*
Winter...THAT'S IT! I unzipped just enough to let in a frigid breeze.
*Nooooo! Curse you!*
Work:
In my training class, there was a cute Afgahni girl with a body to die for. Gorgeous brown eyes, nice smile, pouting lips, long raven hair, great chest, perfect ass (she also had a habit of wearing pants so tight I could make out her panty line). She was not a traditional Muslim in the sense that she did not wear a burka, however, she did not believe in sex before marriage as I overheard during a break in class as I was doodling comic book characters in my notebook.
SPROING!
Oh no.
*Did someone say virgin?*
Yes, she's a virgin. I admitted, burying my head in my hands.
*Well then, time to show her what she's missing.*
I can't do that! What about her religious beliefs?
*Religion Shmershmigion! It's not premarital sex if you've no intention of getting married. Now go fuck, like a good Christian!*
Her Mom works here, you moron! I caqn't go biffing a coworker! She barely even knows my name!
*So think of this as a good introduction.*
Oh Jeez....Baseball, keyboard, tape dispenser, comic books....
*That won't work this time! Look at all the hotties in this class! The MILF instructor, that spoiled preppy chick with the fantastic ass, the Middle Eastern woman, that baby-faced dark haired girl...*
Jeezum Crow! He's right! Oh man, and we have to do presentations in five minutes!
My mind raced for a solution. I wasn't about to make a break for the washroom and rub one out, I needed a solution and I needed it now! I scanned the room for something, ANYTHING to save my hide.
Hey....the fat chick has her thong showing!
*Oh ye gods!*
Must...resist...gag reflex! Must...stare!
*No! uh...uh...Christina Aguilera! Lindsay Lohan! Britney Spears!*
Must...stare...at...thong not built....for containing...so many rolls! Make it up to Dracula later...just bought Paris Hilton DVD...last night!
*Blast! You win this round. But when you get home, you need to beat me like I owe you money!*
Deal.
User Reviews
Submitted by TheMidnight12AM (user info) at 2005-02-20 17:06:56 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Bwahahaha. Excellent work, now just hope someone doesn't shove a stake throug Dracula's heart.
Owww.
Submitted by DonovanMD (user info) at 2005-02-20 16:59:35 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Oh shit, +2. Good post.
Submitted by DonovanMD (user info) at 2005-02-20 16:59:17 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Good post!
Submitted by TheScaryGuy11 (user info) at 2005-02-16 23:29:46 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Holz (user info) at 2005-02-16 14:37:10 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by thecaes (user info) at 2005-02-16 11:20:25 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
GOOOOOOOOLLLLLLD. Especially: "The Hell? How can you survive out here? It must be forty below!"
Submitted by indoninja (user info) at 2005-02-16 11:00:34 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
What is wrong with, "make(ing) a break for the washroom and rub(ing) one out"
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2005-02-16 09:37:53 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
been there many times
Submitted by funk_boy (user info) at 2005-02-16 05:03:06 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by gob_bluth (user info) at 2005-02-16 04:01:39 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
My fucking boner is huge and it fucks those chicks your scared of!
Submitted by Envenom (user info) at 2005-02-15 22:35:22 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Crazy, I recently wrote a post on this exact topic. Except I call mine Thunder.
Submitted by The_Yellow_Dart (user info) at 2005-02-15 22:23:44 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by sketch9 (user info) at 2005-02-15 21:52:58 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by EbolaMay (user info) at 2005-02-15 20:26:07 (#)
Ranking: 2
I wanna know how Igor fits into all this.
Igor and his brother, Left Igor, sometimes rise to support Dracula in his escapades. Little hunch backed hairy fuckers. None too attractive, no.
Submitted by propertie_fenspost (user info) at 2005-02-15 21:04:36 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Yup
Submitted by EbolaMay (user info) at 2005-02-15 20:26:07 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I wanna know how Igor fits into all this.
Submitted by darko (user info) at 2005-02-15 20:17:12 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Everyone should have regular conversations with their penis.
Submitted by SPG (user info) at 2005-02-15 20:16:07 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
just make sure that your next girl doesn't have garlic breath
get it-Dracula, garlic...
damn it sounds funnier in my head
Submitted by Hairsphincter (user info) at 2005-02-15 19:59:51 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
hahahaha
Submitted by alwaysoutnumbered (user info) at 2005-02-15 19:51:32 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I too carry on conversations with my penis.
Submitted by ellsmall (user info) at 2005-02-15 19:47:45 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Best name for a cock I've heard yet.
Submitted by Adjomak (user info) at 2005-02-15 19:44:16 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
HAHAHAHA. Nothing else needs to be said
Submitted by screamfeeder (user info) at 2005-02-15 19:30:52 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment