Denial of Shelf (645 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 2 on 8 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by sketch9 (View user info) at 2005-02-15 22:55:26 EST
The wall was my major problem. Well, the lack of wall was.
All in all, I guess the hole was the problem. What caused the hole, you ask? Let's see, to answer that, we'll have to go back to when I was about nine.
That, as it happens, was the particular age when my dad started putting on the fireworks displays for our modest Hamlet*. How he happened to fall into this, I don't think I'll ever know, but what it did open me to was the great opportunity to have ready at my hands many mulititudes of ludicrously dangerous objects, all of which exploded, but, unfortunately, only some of which whistled.
Now, mortars are fun, dont get me wrong, but the real ticket is plastic explosives and gun powder. Once again, these things, while being highly illegal in the form they were in, were readily available to my father. Would you say no if someone offered you twenty five half-sticks that could blow a Dodge in half with one pop?
Yeah, my dad couldn't either.
Snap back to now. My dad's fireworks source, much like his source for constant dank nuggets, eventually became open to me. I know what you're thinking, "What a dumbass, he fucking blew a hole in his wall with some fireworks," huh? You're dead wrong.
I didnt do it. Bruce did.
Well, not Bruce in his usual dumbass ways (read The Shit In the Shoe and Urinal for more Bruce), more like... umm, "special"** Bruce.
As I was saying, I had my dad's fireworks source, and, as per usual, I had a few boomers sitting on my shelf above my bed. Bruce, in his amazingly inebriated state, decided it was a nice time to play some Doors and light some incense. Only, when he couldnt find the Doors, he put on MSI and tried to find the candles.
Now, some would say that I was a fool for keeping such things in the house while geeking on shrooms. I guess they'd be right, but they're probably the kind of people who get beat up at parties.
I, on the other hand, would say that it's almost amazing how much a half stick in a modified film tube looks like a strange black candle.
All that explains the hole. I had to do something about it. And quickly. The breeze was starting to fuck up my trip.
With a start, I..... sat down and smoked a bowl of dank.... it was the only thing I could think of doing that didn't involve actual work. You know what I'm talking about, druggies. The old shroom melts. You wanna melt into the couch, the floor, whatever you're touching.
Eventually, after some perpetual bitching from some guy named Dean, I got my ass up and went to Menards. I was going to get some plywood. And drywall. And insulation. And sheetrock. And plaster. And paint.
Instead, I bought a roll of duct tape and a tarp.
Then it all occured to me.
I
Needed
A Shelf.
Desperately.
I grabbed the best (flattest) looking one I could find, and made a run for the registers. Unfortunately, at that moment, the shrooms caught up with me, and my head floated away, as the floors rushed up at me. I could feel the smile spread across my lips, and see those damn Luna Moths circling again. And the fucking earwigs.... god, I hate those things.
I woke up in Minnesota, puking in a garbage can at the Mall of America. I lost my shelf.
* I live slightly outside the limits of a "town" with a little less than 300 permanent residents. If I be unmistaken, that technically defines the gathering of old people I live next to as a "hamlet".
** On shrooms.
Disclaimer: spurr of the moment nonsensical story written while inebriated.
User Reviews
Submitted by TheSpook (user info) at 2005-02-22 15:56:58 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by sketch9 (user info) at 2005-02-16 16:04:45 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by MyNameIsTim (user info) at 2005-02-16 07:18:52 (#)
Ranking: 2
yes! my first title spoof!
i enjoyed that.
remember kids, read "denial of self" first. it is the tale of someone getting his eye poked out!!
http://www.ubersite.com/m/59678
Yeah man, I was baked, saw your post, and just wrote the story based solely on the title. I liked yours too.
Submitted by drfeggphd (user info) at 2005-02-16 09:16:48 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
yep, very nice
Submitted by BigCore (user info) at 2005-02-16 07:57:21 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Explosives and drugs make an excellent combination. An extra +2 if the hole is still there and you take a picture.
Submitted by LadyPlural (user info) at 2005-02-16 07:24:30 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Me likey.
Submitted by MyNameIsTim (user info) at 2005-02-16 07:18:52 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
yes! my first title spoof!
i enjoyed that.
remember kids, read "denial of self" first. it is the tale of someone getting his eye poked out!!
http://www.ubersite.com/m/59678
Submitted by Stin (user info) at 2005-02-16 06:37:21 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
God, that was insane.
I rather liked it.
Submitted by GodLovesALittleLovin (user info) at 2005-02-15 23:01:17 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
if you could get me some of that weed, yeah, that would be great.