How Diana's Soused Chauffeur's Bitch Cousin Ruined My Life (an explanation of sorts to my dear Merlina) Part II (1052 hits)
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Submitted by Danger Ranger <harveyra.at.iprimus.com.au> (View user info) at 2005-02-16 08:39:12 EST
(My "FRIEND" Big Steve has taken issue with his name being used in my epic messypiece. Not even replacing the 'Big' would placate him. (Some people). In his words, or more accurately Chris Cornell's, "Keep it off my wave." So in order to keep the peace, the character of my aforementioned "FRIEND"... will now be played by Gob Job, a stocky but muscular asian chap who insists on dressing as a man-servant and wears a bowler... and he is not a mute, 'cause he talks, see, that's right, talks.)
I sat and watched Thorpe's monitor. He and Williamson were on the same side. "So you guys are playing as the terrorists, hey?" "Freedom Fighters," interjected Thorpe. He was providing cover, and as Williamson cautiously moved past him and further forward, Thorpe casually drew his pistol and shot him through the back of the head. "HEY!!" Squealed Williamson like a bitch cheerleader. "What the fuck did you do that for!" "As I said, we've business." said Thorpe, pushing his keyboard away. "If it helps any, think of yourself as a martyr." "Think of your mum sucking my dick, arsehole." Whined Williamson, shoving his keyboard across the table like a petulant girl. Then, similtaneously, both pairs of beady eyes turned to me.
"So, Gob Job says you're trying to overthrow the government." said Thorpe matter-of-factly. "Excuse me?" I said. "He says you're disillusioned with the current conservative, fascist regime and are looking for able-bodied revolutionaries, you know, come the revolution and all. Help spill their fucking royalist blue blood in the streets, be suspicious of academics, all that stuff." "He said all that?" Thorpe was nodding in that smarmy, I-know-something-you-don't-know kind of way. I glanced at Williamson. He to was nodding, but was grinning like an idiot.
"We're not from here." he said with the same demented grin. "Good." I thought. "In 1997 we're only ten." he continued. "And as you can see, we're a lot older at the moment." "So which one of you has the drugs?" I asked. "I'll smoke some weed with you, but then I gotta go." "We we're playing Counter Strike." said Thorpe. "Y-yes and that's very nice, are we going to have a smoke or not?" He ignored me and continued, "Counter Strike doesn't get released until mid 1999." "Ooooookaaaay, so you've got some amphetamines..." "June the 19th to be precise - we were there." Williamson interrupted. "For the midnight release. We got promotional t-shirts, the lot." "Right, well.." again Williamson cut me short, "Waited in line for windows 98 as well, then went back to the present - which was 1995!!!"
"Listen." I said in a hushed tone. "I don't know what the fuck you virgins are talking about, but I'm leaving now."
"Hidden has a time machine." said Thorpe. "We know a lot more about you than you think. Okay, so right now you're not exactly drawing up plans for proletarian revolt or organising munitions, but in 2005, you have a plan, and we're not sure if you're mocking us, so we thought we'd tee up this little clandestine get-together to help nuture your angst. "We'd like it to fester into something maniacal." added Williamson. "A time machine you say? And it's owned by a guy called 'Hidden'? Okay, here's the deal." I leaned closer to the table and whispered softly, "You cunts are fucking fucked-up fuckers, I'm going and I want you both to piss off and leave me alone. If you follow me, I'll call the police and tell them about the acid. Where's Gob Job?" "He's with Hidden." said Thorpe, resting back in his chair. "Where?" I demanded. "Oktoberfest." Thorpe replied, bearly able to disguise his smirk. "It's fucking January dipshit." I was losing my patience now, and the smell from Williamson's soiled trousers was making me nauseous. "'Zactly." Thorpe smiled, feigning disinterest. "You want MORE proof DANE-GERR_RAIN-GAR?" Williamson sneered. "There's this girl, Mer.." "WILLIAMSON!!!" Thorpe had risen from his chair at such speed that it fell backwards and crashed violently to the floor. He levelled a cold glare at his fucking AWWWFUL smelling friend. "Alright then," Williamson continued, "how about THIS? You have a dog, it's a boxer, and you named it Cleveland... it's going to die." "Ohhhhh, that's brilliant Nostradamus." I rose, pushing my chair away... "That's fucking it."
Thorpe picked up his chair and sat himself back down. As I turned to leave, he said, without looking up, "You thought 'Sheep'." I froze. Without even looking I knew he was smiling. "When we told you we we're playing Counter Strike - you thought 'Sheep'." He repeated. My shoulders slumped, I slowly turned, regathered my chair, sat back down, and noticed I was sweating again.
-To Be Continued- unless, well, you know.
User Reviews
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2007-09-28 14:39:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by electrictoothsyndrome (user info) at 2005-04-02 14:28:03 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"This has got some cool concepts, but you seriously need to work on your grammatical formatting," said ETS. "Each time a character speaks, you are supposed to change paragraphs so we know who's talking."
"Like this?" inquired Danger Ranger.
"Yes, just like this," ETS smirked.
"Wow, I can see how this makes dialogue far more legible than simply jumbling it all up in one continuous paragraph. It's as though my mind doesn't have to work as hard to sort out the words, and can simply focus on the story."
"Told ya. See, you know it's me talking even if I don't say something like, 'ETS said' at the end."
"Wow"
"I know... Cool huh?"
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2005-03-17 05:26:59 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Danger_Ranger (user info) at 2005-03-08 06:30:33 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
-2 for making fun of my 'big' friends.
Submitted by Silk (user info) at 2005-03-05 21:36:49 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
I can't even read it now.
NEVAH change your main friend in mid-stream.
It's a bit of a pop-up book, then isn't it ?...you turn the page and a fist pops up and numbs your nose with a change of character.
Submitted by Merlina (user info) at 2005-03-01 06:08:27 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
ah well... thats not so bad - I'm 33
Submitted by Danger_Ranger (user info) at 2005-02-21 08:39:07 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
As old as you want me to be, Cotton Tail...
Mind you, if I sit on this fucking front step for much longer I'll age ten-fold...
38. Yuk. Oh fuck it, 39 next month - the humanity.
Submitted by Merlina (user info) at 2005-02-21 08:30:27 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
so how old are you then, Danger?
Submitted by Danger_Ranger (user info) at 2005-02-17 05:11:49 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
I dunno, I'm like, twice your age, your Mum will think I'm a kiddie-fiddler... or kind of tasty...
and stop pretending you don't remember the last time we got pissed together.
Submitted by thorpe (user info) at 2005-02-17 05:11:31 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Anyway, since when does 3 people justify UberCon???
Submitted by thorpe (user info) at 2005-02-17 05:04:06 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
By UberCon he means we turn up at his house and get pissed.
We could have called it UberCon last time we did that.
Submitted by williamson (user info) at 2005-02-17 04:56:06 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
You're a Brisbanian, hey? I'm feeling UberCon is in order.
Submitted by Danger_Ranger (user info) at 2005-02-17 04:51:51 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Too kind Thorpe.
Submitted by Danger_Ranger (user info) at 2005-02-17 04:50:47 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by williamson (user info) at 2005-02-17 02:31:08 (#)
Ranking: 2
Never Ever EVAR stop this series.
Evar!
---------
Thanks, it's giving me a headache... that makes about 5 people who have read these posts. (3 of whom are in the story) - I'm awfully popular.
Submitted by Danger_Ranger (user info) at 2005-02-17 04:44:25 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Merlina wrote-
"I LOVE these..."
When you said this I immediately had a mental image of you squeezing your... *blush* ... boobies. I'm sorry, I've let you down.
I'm still waiting on the front step with my high powered binoculars... occasionally Mum will come out and give me a reassuring pat on the head. "It's gonna take a while, Danger," she will say, "it's a long walk from Ireland." She'll then offer to make me a hot cocoa and go back inside, while I just sit and stare down the street... and wait... *sigh*
Submitted by thorpe (user info) at 2005-02-17 04:36:43 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Finally, there's the fact that without all of the below, this still fucking rules.
Submitted by thorpe (user info) at 2005-02-17 04:36:15 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Secondly there's the fact that we seem to be part of some sort of left-wing revolution.
Submitted by thorpe (user info) at 2005-02-17 04:35:32 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Firstly, there's the nove`lty of seeing my name in print.
Submitted by williamson (user info) at 2005-02-17 02:31:47 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"Think of your mum sucking my dick, arsehole." Whined Williamson
Ahhh, the story of my life.
Submitted by williamson (user info) at 2005-02-17 02:31:08 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Never Ever EVAR stop this series.
Evar!
Submitted by Merlina (user info) at 2005-02-16 12:26:34 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Thorpe casually drew his pistol and shot him through the back of the head. "HEY!!" Squealed Williamson like a bitch cheerleader. "What the fuck did you do that for!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I LOVE these... keep it going