Crimes Against Humanity Volume 3: Local News (620 hits)
Category: Humor -> Dumb JobsRating: 1.57 on 10 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by bossk <emangevine.at.yahoo.com> (View user info) at 2005-02-16 13:58:14 EST
http://www.ubersite.com/m/59055
All I can say is thank god for cable television. Now we have something else to watch after the national news is over. No profession attracts more flyweight, asinine, inarticulate, gutter-mentality losers than local news broadcasting, and yet this field is growing daily.
I live in a college town in Virginia, and one year ago our only local news source was the NBC affiliate. Sure, the people there were idiots, but to give credit where it is due, they were also extremely lazy. This year some genius decided we needed more visual evidence that hairspray punches holes in your IQ as well as the ozone layer, so they added CBS and ABC local affiliates as well.
Before the market expanded, the NBC station had developed a brilliant approach to the local news. As far as they were concerned, all news worth reporting happened within ten blocks of their headquarters. In a blizzard, Sanjiv Batarasamanian would be shown standing in front of the street that passed their building, North Face pullover artfully zipped so that his silk tie was still visible, letting snow fall ever so gently upon his bushy lacquered hair. Then we'd cut to a story about local merchants, in which an intrepid reporter had lugged his camera another whole block over to the pedestrian mall. A story on air travel was not shot at our small airport, oh no. They interviewed passing pedestrians who may or may not have flown on a plane since the Johnson administration. So, like I said, they were astonishingly lazy.
Now we have three stations, which has exposed the tragic lack of telegenic people in our immediate environs. It was bad enough when we had the NBC team only: the guy with the massive head and a wave of brown plastic hair, the blond woman with the jaw of a rodeo cowboy, and the weather man who looked like a child molestor. Now the other stations have thinned the talent pool even more. Last night I accidentally caught a few minutes of the CBS newscast and saw the misshapen mutant freak who jabbers nightly on that network. I mean, how do you instruct on-air talent to "look into the camera" when his eyes operate independently of one another? He was not only wall-eyed, but one orbital socket was, swear to god, smaller than the other. I had to throw on a DVR recording of "Dora the Explorer" because my two-year-old started to cry.
Now, I'm not as shallow as I sound. While TV is an industry for the telegenic, I will overlook a journalist's bulbous head if he or she has some information of value to report. But no, this is not the province of local journalism! Local journalism is all about getting your friends and other powerful people on air from time to time, and running scare-tactic stories about the dangers of every day life. Did you know that the glue on stamps could be a danger to you, your children, and your housepets? According to Channel 27, yes it can be. They never mention until the end of the piece that you would have to lick 273 stamps in a row before feeling even a mild tingling in your liver, but all that matters is that you tune in - once they've scared you into watching, they know you won't bestir your drunken frame to reach for the remote again.
To keep it brief (too late, bossk, too late): I can look up the local movie times, school closings, and other salient information on your website. So unless you're going to get smart and start hiring our drool-inducing local hottie college kids to do naked headlines, sports, and weather, I will thank you very much for your time, and say good day sir.
I said GOOD DAY, SIR!
* The reporter below was once made to don a cape and pretend to "fly" around downtown interviewing passers-by. I shit you not.
User Reviews
Submitted by bossk (user info) at 2005-02-18 13:22:17 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
I remember so well this news report in Greensboro, NC: "Escalators: THE HIDDEN KILLER!"
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Oh my god how perfect. I wish I could have used that as an example.
I had a friend who moved to Gboro for a while and worked for their minor-leage baseball team. I really like going to those A-ball games on a nice summer night - just lots of simple pleasures to be had.
Submitted by c1ndy (user info) at 2005-02-18 13:18:45 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
this bit:
* The reporter below was once made to don a cape and pretend to "fly" around downtown interviewing passers-by. I shit you not.
actually made me laugh out loud. if i was in another place on the intraweb i would type LOL.
Submitted by HZRD (user info) at 2005-02-18 13:15:37 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
I SAID GOOD DAY!
I remember so well this news report in Greensboro, NC: "Escalators: THE HIDDEN KILLER!"
It's not just VA, the whole small-town news racket it worthless.
Submitted by Soul-Fly (user info) at 2005-02-18 13:09:47 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
HA!!
I liked this!
Submitted by bossk (user info) at 2005-02-17 10:50:58 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Man.... I guess I should have put some boobies in it.
Submitted by HillBoyJr (user info) at 2005-02-16 15:27:22 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
" telegenic people in our immediate environs"
only one because you used 2 big words in one sentence and now i feel dumbered.
Submitted by bossk (user info) at 2005-02-16 15:01:19 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by BludKake (user info) at 2005-02-16 14:05:57 (#)
Ranking: 1
I lived in Capital Shithole, Va. for a year and the reporting was downright sad. My parakeet could speak a more complete sentence. Perhaps it's just your whole frickin' state.
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Nah. I've lived in and visited many other states, and I assert that this is commonplace in any market. The best or best-looking reporters at a small level are immediately co-opted by the networks immediately, leaving us with the dregs.
Submitted by Sassmasterr (user info) at 2005-02-16 14:44:06 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
nice pedophile pic
Submitted by Adamdidit2u (user info) at 2005-02-16 14:09:43 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I had a friend of mine who did the weather in Salsbury MD after he graduated.
He quit ON AIR one day because he couldn't stand how incompentent the people were.
He does the weather in Pheonix now and I always make fun of him.
I mean Phoenix, it's the desert! Today it's going to be Sunny and hot....yadda yadda yadda
Submitted by BludKake (user info) at 2005-02-16 14:05:57 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
I lived in Capital Shithole, Va. for a year and the reporting was downright sad. My parakeet could speak a more complete sentence. Perhaps it's just your whole frickin' state.